Heart Pounding Pain @ MindSay 
following your heart
Banner is an infantry member. And one of 5 siblings over seas. He was married when he was on leave 4 months ago, and his first children is due early next year.
And I knew at that moment that he had died. Eight hours before Ma called us because she had been notified, I knew. I knew the minute That pain cleared up. Somehow there is that twin-twin bond that everyone talks about, but I never really believed. It had never happened before. But it truly feels like part of me is dead too!
Running down my cheek
Onto my lips
As I bleed
Thoughts racing
Wishing death
No more can I take this pain
Life going sour
No ups in life
But the downs
Heart heavy
Body always in pain
Wishing it all would end
Howdy howdy all. This is an EXTREMELY Personal entry but I am willing to share it anyway...
You ever have one of those days when you think everything is going all right and then BAM! Something comes from outta nowhere and blindsides you?
I had that day today and that moment just now. I hit the ground so hard I swear that I bounced...
I don't know if anyone remembers but back in April a friend of mine murdered herself.
http://environgirl.mindsay.com/god_damn_it_no_fuckin_poetry.mws
She was in terrible emotional pain and I suppose she figured that death was the only release. I truly hope that she found peace. I have not. I have NOT "come to terms" with her shitty decision and jacked up ass reasoning.
I know, I know, she was really damaged and it is not uncommon for people who were living in the same situation as she to feel this way. I have lived where she was living (but under far far better conditions to say the absolute least) and it is a depressing way of life in a lot of ways. She was victimized repeatedly (as a child and adult) and I couldnt/didnt do anything of note to help. I offered plenty but she always said No. why would she say no? I know that people get uncomfortable when they feel that others are pitying them. But I didnt pity her! I cared about her, she was my friend. We talked a lot and joked and shared secrets and dreams and had a lot of awful shit in common (of the childhood variety), I could NEVER pity her, I loved her far too much for that.
I did a mourning ritual (more than one actually) to help myself through the pain and to help her find her way to a place of peace in the afterlife and I think they have helped. It's just that today I got a reminder of that time (damn, it was just under 6 months ago) and it hurt like a muthafucka to think about it just like that so abruptly and under the circumstances. Anyway I wrote a very angry post and a very angry letter to my friend at the time and now that I re-examine them I recognize that I AGREE with everything I said and felt then! It was a true picture of what that episode meant to me and her and all the others who are/were affected by her decision. I guess I just wanna say that you should tell folks you love that you do indeed love them and if they seem a little off, STEP IN! even if they protest! And be careful how you approach people with certain topics sometimes, I think that we forget the context of somethings when we bring up old (or not so old) shit and you never know what kind of reactions you will invite. Now that doesnt mean you should tip-toe around folks all the time but if I write a bunch angry shit about the suicide/murder of a friend then you may wanna ease around that topic with me a bit, now you dont have to, but you probably should if you think the rebuttal might lay you low (and depending on the time and situation it may well indeed floor your ass)...Now back to Tessa the Butterfly--(This is the only name I will name in this post)
She broke my heart. I was/am still angry, though not in the same way or with the same intensity as I was then but I still hurt and I am sure that our mutual friends still hurt as well (this suicide has affected those friendships adversely and I have lost 4 friends when the total tally is taken).
Just be decent to your friends and be careful how you approach old wounds that may not be so old at after all.
Fuck!
And I was having such a good day...oh well, maybe tomorrow will be better, one can only hope and I am the eternal optimist afterall.....
How about some poetry, here goes...(although I mourn one, still thinking of you, you, you)
Stanzas To:
Well, some may hate and some may scorn,
And some may quite forget thy name,
But my sad heart must ever mourn
Thy ruined hopes, they blighted fame!
'Twas thus I thought, an hour ago,
Even weeping o'er that wretch's woe.
One word turned back my gushing tears,
And lit my altered eye with sneers.
Then "Bless the friendly dust," I said,
"That hides the unlamented head!
Vain as thou wert, and weak as vain,
The slave of Falsehood, Pride, and Pain,
My heart has nought akin to thine,
Thy soul is powerless over mine."
But these were thoughts that vanished too;
Unwise, unholy, and untrue:
Do I despise the timid deer
Because his limbs are fleet with fear?
Or, would I mock the wolf's death-howl
Because his form is gaunt and foul?
Or, hear with joy the leveret's cry
Because it cannot bravely die?
No! Then above his memory
Let pity's heart as tender be:
Say, "Earth lie lightly on that breast,
And, kind Heaven, grant that spirit rest.--Emily Bronte
Being Afraid Of Opening Your Heart It is not easy to have an open heart in a world that offers us a full plate of experiences. This life gives us much joy, love, and light, but it also shows us a fair amount of pain, sadness, and suffering. When our hearts are open, we take everything into ourselves, and we are deeply affected by what we see. We do not hold ourselves separate from the pain of others. In addition, our own personal disappointments may begin to take their toll. We may feel small, alone, and overwhelmed. Most of us may feel like we are not up to the task of living with our hearts open, and we might begin to close down, little by little, so that we can get through our days without having to feel too much.
One thing that can help us turn this situation around is an awareness of the power of empathy. To open our hearts to another person's suffering is a revolutionary act that has energetic implications. Many experiments with meditation have proven that we can reach far beyond the boundaries of our selves and heal others when our hearts are open. Heart meditations awaken this power and heal the person meditating as well as anyone who is the focus of the meditation.
You may want to experiment with this the next time you see or hear something painful. Instead of shuttering your
emotions, resolve to hold your feelings in your heart. Tap into the divine energy of universal love that resides in your heart. This energy makes you powerful, for it is your protection that will transmute the pain of others. Breathe deeply, and let yourself feel the pain of the situation, knowing that your heart is big and strong enough to hold it. As you breathe, visualize healing light emanating from your heart and touching all that are suffering. You will heal your heart in the process.
I don't know if I was really getting sick, having a REALLY off day. I always trace my steps and make sure I've taken my medication.
My mind is just uneasy, unsettled, upturned.... something...
Everytime i think I feel better about my self.... I hear people snickering behind me in class after I speak. It may not have anything to do with me but I leap to start obsessing about whether they're laughing at me or something completely unrelated.
Sometimes I see the way people look at me and my thoughts jump out of control. What's wrong with me.... why are they looking at me like I'm a freak? Why????
Somehow I ended up wearing a bunch of purple today and people kept asking me things like "Your favorite color is purple isn't it" or a comment that has a firm grash of the obvious, "you're wearing a lot of purple today." Is this a crime? Why the fuck do people care. Bugger the fuck off!!
I have no idea why that is bothering me.
Recently the only time I feel comfortable in my skin and content is in printmaking studio. I would die with out screen printing.
"But I'll see better when the smoke clears
When the smoke clears inside my head
And I can listen when the screaming doesn't repeat everything I've said
And all that remains me and who I am at the end of the day
And this happens everyday"
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