Heart Melting Words @ MindSay

I met someone wonderful. Someone that was just.. perfect for me. They were exactly what i wanted in a mate--- The EXACT thing!

 

What do i do? I fall in love with them!

 

Next, what happens? Well fuck he has a GF. Its all good, she never comes up, and his sweet sweet words caress my heart.

 

Then one day she comes up. And talks to me. And she talks about. How she loves him, how they're engaged, blah blah blah.

 

and i feel betrayed by those sweet words of caring, because how could he say to me that his day just got better, when he has a woman to already say that to!

 

 

And i feel betrayed by my own heart for i feel now, like i'll never, ever EVER be allowed one ounce of happiness.

 

 

Im so tired of existing.

 

Dutifully taking pills to make myself better, only to wake up more often wishing i could be dead.

Have you ever found yourself dumbfounded with emotion? Have you ever been truly, sincerely at a loss for words? I'm finding that i'm reaching for words a lot lately, i cant seem to put the way i feel into a tangible form. "Loved", "Happy", "Ecstatic", "Head-Over-Heels", "Lucky", "Unbelievably Fortunate" are only words that scratch the surface of what i'm going through.

No one wants to read sappy things about another person's boyfriend or girlfriend... but fuck it, im gonna write it down anyway.

She does things for me that catch me so off guard, i almost dont know how to react to them. A few weeks ago, when we first started "officially" dating, she set up a HUGE surprise for me- she made reservations for us at my favorite restaurant of all time (which isn't cheap to eat at either), and she told them to change the napkins to my favorite shade of "toxic green". Unfortunately... i didn't go. She didn't tell me that she made plans, but she insisted that i come see her at work at a certain time... on that time, i had made plans to go see a friend before she left for college. When i found out, i felt like a TOTAL ass. She tried so hard to impress me and make me feel good, and i didn't go through with it. But here's the stunning part- she didn't make a big deal out of it at all, she said (and meant) that it was ok, and she understood i had other things to do. I'm sorry, but i have yet to find even the best of friends that wouldn't make a big stink out of a deal like that.

When we first started seeing eachother, she used to always wear a locket around her neck- a small, silver, heart-shaped locket that she ALWAYS had with her at all times. It was a locket that her grandmother gave her when she was little, and no one had ever opened it... ever. She never let anyone touch it, let alone have it leave her possession. So what does she do? She dries out the rose petals from the flowers i gave her the day i asked her out... then puts them in a small box... lays the locket on top... and gives it to me.
She said it represented her heart, and that she wanted me to have it. I was on the verge of tears when she said that to me, she gave me something so incredibly important and irreplaceable... because she loved me. If any of you have followed me long enough, you know that i absolutely hate to receive anything of value or worth and not give in return- it just doesn't feel right.

Tonight, while i was at work, i got a text asking me about my favorite candy... i put two and two together and knew she was planning on something, i had plans to see her on wednesday so i thought she may surprise me with that... WRONG.
She was just leaving her Powercore training/workout when i first called her, and i talked to her for nearly half an hour on the phone walking around the mall. At one point, it got really fuzzy and distorted, i thought she got out of her car and went inside or something. I thought nothing of it and kept walking... out of nowhere, she asked, "where are you right now?" in her usual curious voice. I told her i was on my way back to the store, and she hung up. Naturally, i did the classic "wtf?" face looking at my phone. When i looked up, she was right in front of me smiling ear to ear. She wrapped her arms around me and gave me a warm hug and an inviting kiss, she seemed so incredibly happy to see me!
I sat and talked to her for about 15 minutes, then i headed upstairs to brush my teeth and walk back downstairs. Once i got done, i walked back downstairs and said goodbye... i told her i was a little tired and i missed her, i couldn't wait for wednesday, i love you, so on and so forth. The rest of the night dragged on, and finally it was time to leave at 10pm. As i punched out, i went to pick up my coat... and it felt like there was a lead weight in it. I couldn't figure out what the hell was wrong- until i turned the coat around. She found her way to my coat on the hanger, stuffed the pocket closest to the wall with Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, and left me a card with a big heart on it. Talk about an instant picker-upper and heart warmer, right?
The card had a big, smiling face on the front, which read "You fill me up with smiles..." and on the inside, it said "And i'm not talking regular-sized ones, im talking JUMBO!!!" (kind of corny, but i loved it.) She wrote on the inside, "Hey Hun, I saw this card and instantly thought of you! I love you! Dont get sick eating all the candy!" Of course, she signed it with a heart with "always" written in the middle... instant heart melter.
Most people would look at this and say "she brought you candy, big deal.", but it's much more than that. She planned it out, and made an effort to brighten my night. She could have just given it to me and walked out... but no, she found a way to make it absolutely adorable and memorable.

After i found the candy, i called her to thank her... and found myself dumbfounded- just like i mentioned earlier. I couldn't find a way to tell her how much that meant to me and how happy she made me, so i struggled for a few seconds then finally got it out. The kicker- she told me that she always feels loved when she is with me, and that she absolutely loves being around me. Whenever i see her, i know for a fact she means it- she smiles big and hugs me tightly, she always gives me little kisses when we're close, and all the cute little things she does to show affection that most people would take for granted... i dunno how i got so unimaginably lucky, but this girl is the best thing that has ever happened to me... and i mean that. There are a million other things i could go on and talk about that she's done... but i think i've made my point.

I truly, honestly love this girl with every little strand of DNA that i have... she constantly makes me feel loved, wanted, and appreciated- nothing i ever do goes unnoticed with her. She's selfless, caring, and is as loving as could be- and i wouldn't trade the world for her... not on my life.

~O~

Have You Ever? Have ever loved somebody so much It makes you cry Have you ever needed something so hard You can't sleep at night Have ever tried to find the words But they don't come out right Have you ever, Have you ever Have you ever been in love Been in love so bad You'd do anything to make them understand Have you ever had someone steal your heart away You'd give anything to make them feel the same Have you ever searched for words to get you in their heart But you don't know what to say And you don't know where to start Have ever loved somebody so much It makes you cry Have you ever needed something so hard You can't sleep at night Have ever tried to find the words But they don't come out right Have you ever, Have you ever Have you ever found the one You've dreamed of all your life You'd do anything to look into their eyes Have you finally found the one you've given your heart Only to find that one won't give their heart to you Have you ever closed your eyes and Dreamed that they were there And all you can do is wait for that day when they will care What do I gotta do to get you in my arms baby What do I gotta do to get your heart To make you understand how I need you next to me Gotta get you in my world 'Coz baby I can't sleep

 

For the nights be lonely and the days are cold

It’s you I desire to kiss and to hold

From hours to days and days to weeks

Without you with me makes my life seem bleak

I cherish the time we spend together

It makes me wish every second will last forever and ever

The things you do are magic, and just to melt with you I’d stop the world

But all I can say is I wish to be your man, and for you to be my girl

I want to hold you right, I wanna hold you tight

It’s you I dream about at the end of the night

You are the one, my girl with brown eyes

And it is with you, that’s where my heart lies

You have such capacity for love, and an enormous heart

If you were to say no, I would be torn apart

I don’t want to hurt, I don’t want that pain

I don’t want to cry in shame or in vain

There’s no need to worry, no need to fear

I could never hurt you, or make you shed a tear

So when I say these three words I want you to know that it’s true

All I want you to consider is that with all my heart I love you

You are the rose that's been kissed by the rain
why do you thirst for my puddle of pain
do not forsake the love that you have found
I am only just a ghost in this town

this hidden rain is melting me inside
I love you much more than just saying goodbye
but my heart belongs to the desert sky
and I hate you just enough to make you cry

the more things change, the more things stay the same
the more I change, the more I feel this way
like I'm on a road to nowhere from somewhere strange
and I still believe that something will change

this hidden rain is melting me inside
I love you just enough to make you cry
but my heart belongs to the desert sky
and I hate you much more than just saying goodbye

and I live for the hour he takes you home
for with you he takes the ageless unknown
but I don't think I could take watching you go
'cause I'm wanted dead or alive
and I'm captured as both

this hidden rain is melting me inside
I love you much more than not asking why
but my heart belongs to the desert sky
and I hate you just enough to lay down and die

this scarlet ribbon-tied lock of my hair
will always remind you that once I cared