Heart Heart Pain @ MindSay

2 days ago I felt like my body was being torn apart. I doubled over from the hot seering pain that burned within and felt like it was taking my left arm off. For 10 minutes I writhed in pain. And then it stopped as suddenly as it started. I was left with a slight pain in my chest and a strange sence of emptiness. Of course my fiance took me to the nearest emergency room. With my heart trouble he thought I was having heart failure and dying. And it felt like that. For those ten minutes it truly felt like I was. But at the hospital,all they found out was that my heart was beating erratically, but it was doing as okay as it could be. That left just one other option. My twin brother,Banner.

Banner is an infantry member. And one of 5 siblings over seas. He was married when he was on leave 4 months ago, and his first children is due early next year.

And I knew at that moment that he had died. Eight hours before Ma called us because she had been notified, I knew. I knew the minute That pain cleared up. Somehow there is that twin-twin bond that everyone talks about, but I never really believed. It had never happened before. But it truly feels like part of me is dead too!

I IMed Andrew last night and he starts off with "Hello Heart Breaker" Well thanks. i guess.  I gave him different senerios and we came to the conclusion if I dated him, being a long distance relationship, if another girl came along thats there where he is, he'd dump me for her. Mhm. thats wonderful.  I said, "yeah but if your certain its who God has for you, you wouldnt think twice about someone else even if the oppertunity came up."  and he said that for a while he thought I was the one God has for him until i told him i dont want a relationship right now so now he says he doesnt know.  Okay to me thats dumb.  If you KNOW someone is THE ONE then you dont the next minute give up and let her go just cause the girl isnt ready for a relationship.  So all of this has proven to him that he'll never have me because I will never be the first and only girl in his life worth to make it work.

 

I told him I'm sick of short term relationships.  Really am.  My heart cant take it anymore.  I just want the next guy I'm with to BE that one God has for me.  I cant have another heart break. I cant.  After Ryan, no way will i go through that again.  I'm done. I'm so done. And I will be a stubburn little brat and turn down any guy unless i feel in my heart Hes the one. With Andrew, I feel confusion and no peace in my heart at all. So, hes not it for me.  Now everyone in his family can stop trying to get us dating cause i dont want to.  He's just not it. HES NOT IT!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!

 

What I'm also looking for in my husband is a guy that thinks my singing voice is beautiful. and Andrew, I sing worship songs with him all the time and he hasnt said a thing.  So then i was like yeah uh huh not it. notttttttt ittttttt.  i KNOW for a fact God has called me to worship.  and my voice I sing to God with is pretty much important to me.  so I'd love it for my husband to think i sing amazing since i sing 24/7.

 

Maybe I'm still sad that Ryan isnt it.  Maybe I'm still sad that that boy doesnt care about me.  Maybe I've been pretending to be strong the past 2 weeks.  I think I'm deffinately ready to move on but not ready to date a guy.  You know? Its hard when I thought Ryan was amazing when i dated him.  Cut deep when he let go.

i want someone to sec
inside me, fondle my fancies
Enter my art
I wish you would
penetrate my privacy
conquer my vanity
touch my  heart.
---fran landsman.
અનુવાદ :  અર્થાત મારી અપેક્ષા છે કે મને પરણવા ઈચ્છનાર કોઈ મારા હ્રદયના ખજાનાને ઓળખે. મારી અંદર ઊંડો જાય. મારા શોખ છે તેને પંપાળે . મારામાં  જે કળા છે તેને ખોદીને ઓળખે મારી જે જે અંગત વાતો છે તેની પીડા અને તેના આનંદનો ભાગીદાર બને. મારી અંદરના અહમને જીતે અને ખાસ તો મારા હ્રદયને સ્પર્શે.
--કાંતિ ભટ્ટ

* Keep a green tree in your heart and perhaps a singing bird will come.( chinese proverbs)
તમારા હ્રદયમાં લીલી હરિયાળી રાખો તો આજુબાજુથી ગીત ગાનારાં પક્ષીઓ આનંદ આપવા ઊડીને આવશે.
--કાંતિ ભટ્ટ

My 3 1/2 yo niece has been in the hospital since May waiting for a heart transplant.   The call came this morning, if all goes well, she will be getting her new heart at 5 PM central time.  Please pray for the surgeons, for the transplant its self,  for the family that lost a child and donated their childs organs.

Have You Ever? Have ever loved somebody so much It makes you cry Have you ever needed something so hard You can't sleep at night Have ever tried to find the words But they don't come out right Have you ever, Have you ever Have you ever been in love Been in love so bad You'd do anything to make them understand Have you ever had someone steal your heart away You'd give anything to make them feel the same Have you ever searched for words to get you in their heart But you don't know what to say And you don't know where to start Have ever loved somebody so much It makes you cry Have you ever needed something so hard You can't sleep at night Have ever tried to find the words But they don't come out right Have you ever, Have you ever Have you ever found the one You've dreamed of all your life You'd do anything to look into their eyes Have you finally found the one you've given your heart Only to find that one won't give their heart to you Have you ever closed your eyes and Dreamed that they were there And all you can do is wait for that day when they will care What do I gotta do to get you in my arms baby What do I gotta do to get your heart To make you understand how I need you next to me Gotta get you in my world 'Coz baby I can't sleep