Heart Ache @ MindSay

I just don't have time anymore.....

I don't have time to update this blog. I don't have time to properly take care of myself. I don't have time to change my life. I know what I need to do, but I just don't want to bring my world crashing down. Life is coming at me way too fast and I don't want to be another statistic of a failed life.

My hair is falling out. I don't know if it's due to stress, medications, drugs, or what......I'm too young for this shit. I need help, but I just can't do this. There is no way for me to accurately depict my feelings right now. I can't express anything. I'm not writing this for you, I'm writing this for me.

I want to give up and die. That's honestly how I feel right now. If I died right now, today, how would the rest of the year go? When would my funeral be? Who would show up? What would they say? What would they say when they find out all the things I've left behind? Heartache? Betrayal? Fear?

I just don't know. I just don't care. I just don't have fucking time.

it just seems like forgetting everything
would be like pretending the earth is flat
it just seems like we're burning everything
when all i want is to be where you're at

i want to swim across the rivers
that built a gap between our hearts
i want love to remove these slivers
that just broke apart our hearts

i can't say i'll forget the pain
broken bottles, patched up leaks
i can't say i'll forget disdain
for whoever tore up these weeks

words like melancholy
seem cheap and cliche
when you've hit
rock bottom

all the wrong things
happen at the same time
all the strong things
I never said in time

a car crash in slow motion
burning tires flying outside
i never thought the notion
would burn a hole inside

Another day another pointless update. I have to vent to something. Pity it had to be this right? Oh get over it. I don't see the point in living anymore. Sad to say I have nothing going for me. I'm 17 years old and going no where. I'm just holding a place in this world to keep it populated but moving on.

 

To my own surprise I will be attending A-kon next summer. Something I've been wanting to do for a while but haven't been able to...with or without him...wow I've screwed up again. I always seem to do this. I can't believe it. I think I'm putting my relationship through everything it can go through right now.

 

Me and Brian are at each others throats and he doesn't know why, but I do oh boy I do. He wont come out of his box. *sigh* He's been the same way since we were 13...he doesn't want to think outside the box. I've grown up and changed and he well...hasn't.

It's weird to think of falling for your bestfriend...someone you grew up with but it's hard to admit it when he simply won't see everything in front of him. He's so busy trying not to be normal that he can't see he's just like every other guy I've ever met. He's hurting me because he wont grow with me...This isn't making much sense im afriad.

 

We've always agreed on everything from favorite color down to politics and now...well we're going head to head and the result is a giant head ache thats more annoying then a yippy little dog. *sigh* School is starting back and im scared that that will have a toll on our relationship as well. More then the fighting because we wont hardly have enough time with each other. He'll be a senior and I'll be trying to catch up in school.

 

As I've said in my earlier post...perhaps we should take a break? But what if taking a break causes us to drift apart and we never get back together? Oh dear...this is rather confusing. He's been my bestfriend for five years and we've been together for four of those years....I can't lose him. I just wish there was a way for me to tell him how I feel without repeating myself.

 

I've tried in the past but he never understands it. *sigh* I don't think he ever will. I don't know whats happening with us but I do know I'm so scared to lose him. I know I haven't always been...well it's not important.