Tomorrow. I can't believe it is happening tomorrow.
After just two months of separation from my heart and soul a.k.a. my man and the love of my life, I thought I was going to lose my mind. And now I see him tomorrow.  My heart will not stop racing.  It is only for a couple of days....But as long as I can look into his eyes, smell his skin, feel his touch, taste his kiss.......GOD I will be the happiest woman alive.

He fills in all my gaps.
He is the icing on my cake.
I struggle to find the words to describe how he makes me feel. Good God I am driving myself crazy just thinking about what it will feel like to see him...To be in his arms again....right where I belong.

Tomorrow will come, but seemingly not soon enough. And the next few days won't be long enough.
But soon....hopefully....very soon.....we will spend our days together and our nights even closer.
I love him.
He's my dream come true.

Right now, I get this blog thing. I can tell the whole world what is going on and I don't have to tell the people that are most important to me because they won't understand or be supportive.  I'm not necessarily looking for support from anyone in this virtual world, but I have to tell someone.  My husband's angiogram was yesterday.  It went great.  All his arteries are big, clear and flowing like they should...no blockages.  But there is no explaination for why his heart function is so decreased.  That's the good news. 

 

THE HORRIBLE REALIZATION

My husband and I have been separated for 2 years.  Two and a half years ago, I found out he was involved with someone.  After 6 months of struggling with my anger, distrust, and hurt; I asked him to leave.  He did.  We have worked so hard to put our marriage back together.  The last year, it was finally getting back on track.  We're friends again, we're able to talk like we hadn't in so long, we have a closeness that I didn't think was possible to get back.  He's assured me that "the other woman" was not in the picture, that it was done long ago.  Well, yesterday while he was down having his test, his phone rang.  It was her.  I answered, she told me who it was, and wanted to see how my husband was.  I told her and then she said to me, "I don't understand why you're there and I'm not."  I replied because I was his wife and she had no business being there.  Her response was a long silence and then "What?"  We got talking and both discovered that my husband has been lying to the both of us.  He has been seeing her and has never stopped.  He told her that our divorce would be final this summer.   There are no papers filed.  We've been talking about moving back in together.  They've talked about getting married sometime in the future.  He told her we were just friends now and there was not a relationship other than that and the fact that we are parents together, so he's here a lot to spend time with the kids. LIES, LIES, LIES.  She now knows that we are still very involved, physically and emotionally.  I now know that they are involved, physically and emotionally.  She was crying and apologising profusing.  I don't know who is more shocked me or her.  She kept telling me if she had known that we were still married and not "just friends", their relationship would have never gone this far...that it was never her intention to interfer with a marriage that was still viable.  I found out that he has taken her to meet his family.  I've been made a fool of.  My MIL, FIL, and his brothers and sisters all know.  These are people that have been part of my life for almost 23 years.  WTF???  I told my husband last night that I knew everything and that  his "woman" and I have been talking.  I was able to tell him things that I would only know by talking to her.  He's shocked, stunned, the whole gamut; because he's busted.  I asked him if he ever thought that we would find out about each other and he said yes, but he hoped it would be after he was dead.  Because of his heart, he feels that he is not long for this world, and hoped that he would be struck dead so he would never have to deal with the fact that he has hurt the 2 women that he loves.  You know, I'm not perfect, but I take my vows very seriously.  Since the day I met him, I have always been faithful.  No matter how bad our marriage was, I always have worked hard to keep it going and to do the right thing.  I don't believe in divorce.  Shit, I don't want a divorce.  Despite everything I know right now, and the fact that once again, my heart has been ripped out, stomped on, run over by a truck a few times, and then stuck back in my chest, I still love this asshole and have enough room in my heart for forgiveness.  Last night, he told me he loved me and doesn't want to lose me.  I told him, then he needed to finish, once and for all, the other relationship.   She is going to break it off.  She wanted to hear it from him that we're still together and there is no divorce.  He has to be honest with her and me now.  There is no choice.  After a night of no sleep, I can't honestly say how I feel at the dawn of a new day.  I'm so angry and so hurt.  My mind is saying RUN!!!!  I can't do anything rash, I need to clear my head.  Right now, I don't want him.  I don't want him to touch me or to tell me he loves me.  It's a lie.  But on the other hand, I love him with all my heart.  I want to grow old with him, like we were supposed to.  I want to believe in our dreams for the future.  I just don't know what I'm supposed do right now.  I'm afraid and I'm lost.  There is no one I can turn to that will hold me and just let me cry until there are no more tears.  My heart can't fathom him being with someone else.  If he did leave me for her, I don't know what I would do.  The real killer, she's really nice.  After talking to her a few times yesterday, we both had to admit, on another plane of reality, we would really like each other.  I kind of feel sorry for her.  She's been lied to as much as I have, she had future plans that have all been shattered.  There are 2 women in his life that he has hurt deeply.  Somehow, I will get through this.  I will get through each day stronger.  My head will be held up.  I feel defeated right now, but I have NEVER let defeat stop me.  I will hope and pray that he comes back to me, that he can right the wrongs, and that we can pick up the pieces somehow.  If not, I can do this alone.  I don't know how , but I will.  I love him, I hate him, I despise him, I love him, I pity him, I loathe him, and in the end, I love him. 

Current mood: contemplative
Category: Religion and Philosophy

Results from Chakra test

.. ..

Root	Sacral	Navel	Heart	Throat	Third Eye	Crown

.. ..

.. .. Root: under-active (-13%) Sacral: open (38%) Navel: open (25%) Heart: open (38%) Throat: over-active (88%) Third Eye: open (56%) Crown: open (38%)

 

Take the test here:

http://www.eclecticenergies.com/chakras/chakratest.php

 

 

Currently reading : Lover Awakened (Black Dagger Brotherhood, Book 3) By J.R. Ward

It's funny how fast my moods can change.

 

Yesterday i said some pretty hurtful things to one of my best friends. I hate myself for saying it. I never thought that i would be the one to hurt him, but i did and when he hurts i hurt too. It's like i feel his pain. When something's wrong, i don't even have to ask, i just know.

I'm afraid he's going to stop opening up to me. He's like a closed book. For years i fought to get in, i never gave up and eventually he let me in, now he trusts me. When he's upset it feels like i'm being stabbed in the heart.

I just want him to be happy, he has so much potential. He has no idea how smart he is, he's the only person who understands me. He puts on this act that he's all confident but really he's a lost soul waiting for someone to reach him.

 

We have both been through the same kind of things, his dad left like mine did, so when i talk to someone with the perfect little family and they tell me that they know how i feel and how they're "sorry" it makes me mad because they have no idea what it's like. But Jamie, i can relate to him, he tells me that it's going to be okay and i believe him because i trust him.

Breaking from Newsmax.com Tim Russert’s Death: A Warning for Millions The death of NBC's Tim Russert on Friday at the age of 58 is shining the national spotlight on sudden cardiac arrest. In the week when the government announced that life expectancy in the United States had risen to an all-time high of 78 and deaths from heart disease were declining, Russert’s death, which occurred when he collapsed at the network’s Washington office, was a sad warning that fatal heart attacks can — and often do — strike without warning. Many victims of sudden cardiac arrest, like Russert, cannot be resuscitated. And incredibly, Russert may have died because he was deficient in a simple nutrient, a respected medical doctor says. Editor's Note: Medical Doctor Reveals the Sordid Truth About Heart Disease — Go Here Now Even though Russert’s death was shocking and sudden, there were ominous signs. Russert had been diagnosed with coronary artery disease and diabetes. Both are risk factors for a sudden heart attack. In addition, he was overweight and in a high-stress job, two additional factors that raised his risk. And although Russert may not have known, an autopsy revealed he also suffered from an enlarged heart. Russert didn’t die alone. About 850 people in the U.S. also died Friday of sudden cardiac arrest, and 310,000 die each year. Their disease didn’t occur overnight. Fat deposits (plaque) and inflammation had been building for decades. The plaque cracked or tore, and the body’s efforts to repair the damage caused a clot which blocked an artery and caused sudden heart attack. Dr. Michael Newman, Russert’s personal physician, confirmed Russert died of a massive heart attack that occurred when a clot ruptured in his left anterior descending coronary artery and caused the fatal heart attack. Editor's Note: Reverse Coronary Plaque Build-up with Nutrients, Not Drugs — Go Here Now Russert probably believed he was taking good care of himself. He had no obvious symptoms of heart disease, and he was taking medication and exercising. He also easily passed a stress test two months ago. But what Russert didn’t know was what probably killed him, says acclaimed neurosurgeon and health advocate Dr. Russell Blaylock. “Chances are the medicines he was taking to reduce his chances of having a life-ending heart attack — probably statins — weren’t helping him at all. Statins don’t protect against heart attacks. And he didn’t know that the lack of one nutrient could have cost him his life. Editor's Note: Statin Drugs are Dangerous, Doctor Warns — Read More Here “The number one cause of sudden cardiac death is magnesium deficiency,” Blaylock says. “Cardiac patients and those with diabetes have the lowest magnesium levels of all. Since Russert had both heart disease and diabetes, he was probably deficient in magnesium. A bad diet and stress would have further depleted the magnesium in his body. “People who are deficient in magnesium are most likely to have sudden cardiac arrest, and when they do arrest, and they are harder to resuscitate. Many simply can’t be resuscitated.” To avoid a fate similar to Russert’s, Dr. Blaylock advises a magnesium supplement every day. “Magnesium reduces inflammation in the walls of the arteries and veins and it slightly thins blood,” he says. “If you do have a clot, magnesium prevents the heart from going into spasm. About half of the people who die from sudden cardiac arrest die from arrhythmia and magnesium prevents that. It is also essential that diabetics control their sugar levels. “If Russert was low in magnesium, an inexpensive supplement could have saved his life.” Important: Blood Pressure Is Your Number One Risk Factor, But Drugs Have Terrible Side Effects — Read More Dramatically Lower the Risk of Diabetes — Go Here Now CRP Test Is Better Than Cholesterol — Key Tests to Take for Your Heart © 2008 Newsmax. All rights reserved.

I take Calcium-Magnesium daily in a liquid apple flavored product that you can buy online:
www.enivamembers.com/janwatts