Hear My Voice @ MindSay 
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I drown.
I drown in an ocean of questions. I kick my way through doubts and memories. I struggle for air, only to realize the air is your scent, and I am confused.
I wake up, suddenly, realizing it was no more than a dream, and the ocean was an ocean of tears. My tears.
Afraid to fall asleep, I lie in my bed, staring in to darkness, and I remember how the thought of you always colored the shadows. I take a few breaths, cautiously, as I expect to find your scent as my air. I reach a false state of calm - a gray zone that I have been walking through since you've been gone.
I organize my thoughts. I line them up in my mind - my army of questions, ready for inspection. I shudder as I feel each one pierce me like a dagger. But then I realize that it is only one question in my mind, one weight pulling at my heart:
Why are you in such a hurry to forget?
It is the same question over and over, circling me as I lie in my bed. It taunts me, and tortures me with each possible answer.
I do not understand. I find no logic. Logic ran away when pain settled in. But I do not miss it; I know that logic will not feel like a moment in your arms.
And these questions only eliminate the remains of your voice and what's left of your scent. In the war inside my soul, the questions kill off the memories.
But then again, why remember?
Memories keep us bound to the past, blinding us to what happens in the present. But if the present isn't exactly what we had hoped for in the past, is it such a crime to wish to keep living something we liked?.. Is it such a crime to wish to keep something we loved? Love is so rare and precious, it's worth fighting for. Can you not see that?
And as tears once again run down my face, each one falling and whispering "why", I am startled as I hear a familiar sound.
My cellphone. As the ringtone grows louder, I am amazed to hear my heartbeat drown it out. I look at the screen, and there you are, summoned from the depths of my desires.
I answer, and your voice once again colors the shadows. You tell me you love me, and my heart believes you. You assure me that I am the one, and I can detect no lie as I see your voice in my mind.
I do not want to think. I am just grateful that my tears have stopped. As I hang up, I can breathe your scent once again, and your voice still sings to me. There is no pain. There is no logic. There's only the feeling of your arms wrapped around me as I am finally able to go to sleep. I embrace my dreams fearlessly, for I know that whenever I reach out, I will find your hands this time, if only in my dream. I am content for what's left of the night, even though I know that tomorrow, I will greet the day soaked in an ocean of doubts and memories once again.
here it is:
Whenever I listen to the music,
If I hear you sing,
Wherever I go,
Your faint hollow voice echoes to my ear,
Although you're far away,
When I die,
I will surely reach to you.
Hail Atlantis!
Way down below the ocean where I wanna be she may be,
Way down below the ocean where I wanna be she may be...
Here I sit upon a stool wondering about things for which I have no answers wondering all the while why it is that I wonder about such things that have no real importance to the fate of mankind and the tiny spinny sphere that we find ourselves riding upon through this particular bit of the universe...
Alas, I am but one person amongst the billions of individuals who populated this orb, how can I make a difference in the ultimate fate of humanity? How can my voice be heard over the mutterings of all who surround me? And if my voice can be heard, would anyone listen to what I have to say? Does any of this really matter or should I just concern myself with gratifying my senses?
I can type a billion words and place them somewhere so all the world can see, but will anyone take the time to learn from the message that is contained therein? Or for that matter, will anyone actually bother to even to stop by and take a look at this one lone voice screaming into the storm that threatens the very fabric of this lone spaceship in the vast wasteland of the universe?
There is much swirling about in the space between my ears that I find it hard to even begin telling the world what I find important at this moment in time. But then again, would anyone amongst the billion actually listen to what I have to say if I could actually think of what to place in the wasteland of my cyberexistence?
And still with every ray of sunlight that peeks through the storm clouds, I feel that there is hope for mankind and that all my words have not been written in vein...
Can you hear me now? Can you here me now, my children?
This is the Word of the AntiCrust...
Praise be ye who Read the Word for ye are Blessed amongst humans and a little ray of sunshine peeking through the darkest cloud...
Howdy Howdy All!
Hey ya'll! I had a great week and hope you had the same. I spent the week in Mississippi with family and friends. I had a minor setback though...
My Digital Camera conked out on me and I had to buy a bunch (4 exactly) of disposable cameras in order to capture the moments. I dropped them at walgreens today and will post a few tomorrow. My camera is still under warranty so tomorrow I will call to get it taken care of. YAY.
My baby cousin Jonathan was on leave from the Air Force and it was mighty fine to see him.
My best male friend GI J is back oversees and was not able to visit me like he was going to for the "holiday". I am very depressed about it btw. He says that he starts his day reading the obits to see which of his brothers is dead. His nonchalance freaked me out slightly. He has changed considerably in both general disposition and emotionally. Detached is the word I am looking for. He was here last year for his mom's funeral (Breast Cancer) and he was terribly depressed but that was normal considering...) Now he is just worried that he will loose "civilization" as he calls his non military friends. He won't loose me willingly but to use his words "it aint choices I am worried about sweets. It's those acts of God that scare the fuck outta me.) I get what he means but I hate to hear him say it because then it's out there (you know, out there in the world-space). I am slightly concerned about what I will and will not accomplish in this lifetime and then wonder about all the time (Insert Barry Manilow song here) I spent waiting for this and that to fall into place before I started living. I dont regret the time I spent "finding myself" and the "odd mishaps and misadventures I stumbled into on the way to La Paganista but I regret the times I did nothing in particular to work toward my fulfillment or that of others I claimed to care about. Yes I know this is a bit heavy for a Sunday evening but lately I have been in a contemplative mood so there! LOL
I am making a few new changes and hopefully this will give me more focus and keep my mind off the people I miss who are deployed and/or deceased or just not in my life anymore due to circumstance or geography. Anyway I would suggest meditation and stretching to anyone who wants to relax and seek a few answers that fail to work out in our waking moments.
Anyway, how about some poetry...here goes.... (a voice, voice, voice...is it just a voice?)
Patience
Be patient with you?
When the stooping sky
Leans down upon the hills
And tenderly, as one who soothing stills
An anguish, gathers earth to lie
Embraced and girdled. Do the sun-filled men
Feel patience then?
Be patient with you?
When the snow-girt earth
Cracks to let through a spurt
Of sudden green, and from the muddy dirt
A snowdrop leaps, how mark its worth
To eyes frost-hardened, and do weary men
Feel patience then?
Be patient with you?
When pain's iron bars
Their rivets tighten, stern
To bend and break their victims; as they turn,
Hopeless, there stand the purple jars
Of night to spill oblivion. Do these men
Feel patience then?
Be patient with you?
You! My sun and moon!
My basketful of flowers!
My money-bag of shining dreams! My hours,
Windless and still, of afternoon!
You are my world and I your citizen.
What meaning can have patience then? --Amy Lowell
Goddess Bless
You are my first love and there is none above
You are my first love, my Beloved,
I hear Your voice call and there is none so sweet
I feel Your voice call, deep calling deep.
"Enlarge the boundaries of your heart, my dove,
Enlarge the boudaries of your heart,
Let My love be your guide, my dove,
Let My love be your guide."
You are my first love and there is none above
You are my first love, my Beloved,
I hear Your voice call and there is none so warm
I feel Your voice call, deep calling deep.
"Holiness is much misunderstood, my dove,
Won't you feed my hungry lambs,
Stir up the gifts that I have given, my dove.
May my Body become one love."
You are my first love and there is none above
You are my first love, my Beloved,
I hear Your voice call and there is none so strong
I feel Your voice call, deep calling deep.
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