Hate School @ MindSay

Hate. Deep down inside, that's all I have left.

I hate the place I live.

I hate school.

I hate my life.

I hate me.

I don't feel like doing anything anymore. I have to drag myself out of bed to go to school, have to force myself to talk, have to force myself to eat. Everything is forced, smiles, laughter, normalcy.

One of my friends actually ran away, and that was the breaking point. I wish I'd had the guts to go with her. This place, it digs at my very being. Everyone's being. I can't openly admit I'm bisexual as it would get out and I'd be even more alone. I can't admit anything. I can't be who I want to be.

I shouldn't say I'm alone. That's selfish, I suppose. I have friends at school, but...they just don't feel like friends should. Perhaps it's just me. But none of them really 'get' me. The problem is, they think they do. And then I get pissed, but smile and say, "You're right, I AM like that." I think if I was the real me, I'd be crying. I'd be falling to pieces in front of everyone. I'd be, dare I say it, broken. And frankly, I couldn't do that anyone I knew.

Why won't I cry? I feel the tears inside my heart, but they just won't come. I involuntarily bottle them up, saving them for when I break down once and for all.

I can't admit so many things. I tried to commit suicide once. Obviously, it didn't work. I've thought about it, all the time.

'If I do it, it'll all end. There won't be anyone to judge you. You won't feel like this anymore.'

Then I think, 'Would anyone care? What about all the things I haven't done?'

I just...I need to be taken care of. I act independent, strong, brave. But all I want is someone to hold, someone to hold me back.

I feel so different, and not in the good way. I feel immature beyong hope. I feel broken. I feel like a freak. I feel stupid. I feel ugly. I feel fake. I feel like a failure. I feel like I want to DIE! I feel like a coward because I WON'T DO IT! I feel confused.

And there's my rant for the night.

I HATE SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

 (my 9/11 tribute)

well...this weekend blew major chunks! sunday was linda's birthday, and peter and gillian came down on saturday. they were planning on cooking a big birthday dinner for her, and so I offered to help. Instead of saying that they could use my help, they said no, and suggested I do the vegetable tray...which I think I mentioned beforehand...well...to tell the truth, they really could have used the help. the meat, undercooked, and PLAIN! One thing I hate about that family is how they cook. Instead of spicing things, even just putting a little salt on it, they just cover the thing in water and let it boil. I HATE boiled meat! It has no flavor, and it normally undercooked. It was disgusting. Then, I was a little hopeful for the mashed potatoes (I can do without eating meat...i'm considering going veggie anyways!)....but those were a huge disappointment as well....again, completely bland, and dry...they did not add even the slightest hint of margarine or butter...blah! I figured maybe for her birthday, Linda might want to try something exciting or different, but I guess I was wrong. O well, I'm sure if I had've cooked it, I would have gotten some really rude comments on how it didn't taste very good. those people really don't appreciate the greatness of spice. Adrian on the other hand, loves my family's cooking. He always eats twice as much at my mom's or when I cook than he does at home. I'm happy about that! :)

My bottom right wisdom tooth is breaking through the skin this week....it hurts to chew unless I chew right on it. I'm a little worried about this one. It is kinda far back, and a little slanted to the side...but hopefully it'll straighten out. I think the other ones were like that as well, and they're straight and really don't cause me that much pain. but it still hurts when they come through the skin.

This morning, I grabbed this push-up bra, because I'm wearing a shirt that shows a little cleavage, so I wanted to make it look like I HAVE  cleavage...well, I forgot why I don't wear sed bra...but I just figured it out after getting my bagel...When we were moving, one of the wires snapped....cutting my boob...and I shoulda thrown it out, but for some reason I didn't, and now I'm wearing it, and this wire is really kinda hurting me.....but I have cleavage...so that's alright! :D lol....

We had to cross the damn picket line again this morning. We ended up getting stuck behind one of the college managers, which is who the teachers are striking against....well....they decided to take forever questioning him and stuff....so we were there for a while. But now, because most of the people crossing the picket line have done so multiple times already, they're asking us Trivial Pursuit questions. I don't know if you guys have trivial pursuit in the US, but incase you don't it's a trivia game...our question was "Which part of the attire is known as the girdle in police precincts?" only, the guy who read it had a weird english accent, and adrian thought it was "which part of a tire is known as the girdle in police precincts?" so he said "the rim" and the guy told him he was wrong...so then I thought about it...and said "the bullet proof vest" and the guy said "YAY!" and let us through....then I had to explain to adrian why I answered that way...it was entertaining. at least the teachers are having fun while they're wasting our time! lol.

O! One more thing. I wanted to make this cake for linda on sunday, because it's something that I know she would have liked (instead of the sweet icing cakes). My mom has a recipe for a "Mandarin Orange Cake" and I REALLY wanted to make it, but Peter and Gillian already had a cake...and she's supposedly decorating her sisters wedding cake...so she had all these little flowers on the cake...and everyone made such a big freaking deal about her stupid little flowers. I was pissed Again, if it were me, they would find some way of criticising the way they looked. I swear, I have never seen anyone take more pictures of the stupid cake than those people. Grr....idiots.

I need to find a new job. I had to ask Adrian for some money this morning just so I could have some sort of food. He was kinda upset. I'm going to apply to the chinese restaurant around the corner...they're looking for waitresses. Hopefully then his mother will get off my back, and I can start paying back my loans and crap....anywho...buh bye!

I have school tomorrow so I got my hair cut really short. well actually its not that short but it looks good. well at least I think it looks good. and I guess thats all tht matters. I am actully kind of excited to go to school though because i want to ee my friends but I hate the whole homework and learning part of school. also I am gonna try to have a  whole new aspect on life and maybe that will help me with getting through school. what is this new aspect you ask? well I am gonna try not to judge people based on how they look. because I judge people alot and its stupid. actually everyone judges everyone. I think it just comes natually for us. we see how people dress and we judge them by it and i've, personally had enough of it. so from here on out i'm changing or at least I'm gonna try. well I'm out

until next time

yours :P bitch

I had P.E. today. I had to play Lacross again. Grr...I'm starting to hate this game. The thing I hate the most about playing Lacross at school is the fact that my team sucks ass.

There are these girls in my class (and the other class I have P.E. with) who are always mean to my friend. They hate her for some reason and I don't know why. Whatever the reason may be, they are some rude-ass bitches who don't know the meaning of respect! Today during P.E, when our teacher told us to get on our teams, they kept on telling the teacher, "She doesn't belong here!" or "What the fuck is she doing here? Tell her to go to the other team!" GRRR that gets me so fucking pissed off! Please excuse my language....(damn whores, thats what they are!)

On the up side of P.E. today, while I was playing, I began to lose on purpose. I would be on one isolated place screaming, "I'M OPEN! I'M OPEN!" Then when they pass the ball to me I'll drop the ball and yell "Why are you passing it to me? Are you nuts???" Then they got mad at me and I walk away proudly. *Evil Laugh* That was soooo satisfying!!!