So, unrelated to teaching, I will have a summer job. One I was kinda excited for. That excitement has basically died.
I KNOW that things will feel better even an hour from now, but right now, MAN is it tempting to email the whole committee and say, 'hey, I know we open this weekend, but I quit. You guys deal with all this shit'. I won't, but...I want to in this moment.
It's dumb shit, too. Not that there's a lot to be done; that's just called 'working'. It's that someone saw how much work there is to do, and left me MORE. As in, covered my cleared counter with 3 piles of notes and forms and signs that 'need to be hung up by Saturday'. Do you know how I know that Saturday's the due date? 1) because it's the day we open and 2) each of those piles had an intricate, detailed post-it note placed atop them. JUST FUCKING HANG UP THE SIGNS THEN, MORON. Seriously? In the time it took you to write me those notes, you could have EASILY hung up about half of that pile. You clearly had the time. Or that week I was away and NO ONE STEPPED UP TO DO A THING TO HELP, EVEN THOUGH IN APRIL YOU ALL SWORE YOU WOULD? Well, now we're behind and yes, it's on you.
Saturday will be whatever it's going to be. But I firmly believe in the philosophy of, 'pitch in or shut up'. It is time for you to shut up, post-it leaver. I can be passive-aggressive, too.
I don't care if I've used that title before. I can't remember. I can't remember anything.
I hate life, and I will end it soon if I don't find out what the fuck is wrong with me. And if it's nothing serious, that as afflicted me for the past fucking year, then I will also end it. I've been thinking for a long while, how is the best way. I will do it.
I am not afraid. I despise life with more passion than I've felt for anything. It disgusts me. Makes me sick to my stomach and has for the longest time.
I'm done trying to be strong. I give up. I am weak. And I don't care.
I thought I could get away, but there's no where far enough to take me away from myself.
I have found in my limited experience that when people say "The line between love and hate is very thin." they are right.
I once loved someone who didn't love me. I say this because I honestly believe it. I tried so very hard to be exactly what he needed and let him stomp on me in the process. It's not a comfortable feeling to realise this. I'm ashamed of myself for letting it happen as long as i did, but it did stop. I made it stop. I dumped him.
It is now 2 years later and circumstances have kept us living in the same place. So while I have found someone new who cares about me and treats me well, Mr. Asshat has not. He insists on pushing my buttons, still tries to take advantage of me, and does everything within his power to hurt me. Yesterday was the end of that.
Last night Mr. Asshat not only insulted me, but my boyfriend and two friends also. Then first thing this morning Mr. Asshat decides to order me to wait for him to get ready to go so that he can ride with me.
For the last 2 years I have been as kind as I possibly can to make life a little easier for Mr. Asshat. This includes giving him free rides to work, rides home, and taking him to get food. Never once has he said thank you, paid for any of the gas, or even asked for the ride. He would just order me to wait for him! He naturally assumed I was going to be so kind as to not tell him no.
After last nights snarky little comment this mornings order was the straw to brake the camels back. I let loose with a very calm and collected "Heres your ass."
So after all this I have learned that yes; there is a very thin line between love and hate.
My "good" friend lied to me. He keeps saying he'll do things and then goes back on it.
I said I was going to Tim Hortons. Then he said "well if you're gonna go anyway, I'll go, get a hot chocolate" and then I was like, "alright I'll go put my laundry in the dryer and go". Then he said he'd see me later. And I asked him if he was going, and he said he was just gonna read his book. Like WTF.
And then on my way out, I saw him in a friend's room playing guitar.
He's such a bad liar.
Fuck him. Fuck people.
He could have just said he didnt wanna go, and wanted to hang with his friends. But no.
So I went alone.
It just hurts a lot, because everyone has a group of friends and what do I have?
I don't have anyone. I have an ex boyfriend who's "thinking", a "best" friend who's lying to me, online ghosts and that's about it.
I hate people. I have for a long time, but every now and then I get hope, that maybe they're not all like that.
That maybe I can make a friend and keep it. That it's possible for one not to be a fuckin' liar. To actually care about me.
It's 3:34 AM and I and I am doing homework. This makes complete sense, right?
1. Why don't I manage my time better?
2. Why don't I have any friends anymore? (Shouldn't that mean my homework should be done?)
3. Why don't I have any motivation to do any of the things that I really want to do?
4. Why do I let petty things bother me?
5. I cannot even begin to comprehend why I have a phone or computer -- no one has even attempted to get in contact with me in at least two weeks.
6. Why am I letting the fact that you haven't been texting me, even though I specifically wanted to push you away/get you to stop, bring me down? Why should I care if you even have another girl, or don't...I don't know for sure, but you probably do. It also doesn't help that when I said, "Get some other girl to [do it--which are not the words I used, by the way...]" and you responded, "Already did."
7. I hate everything lately, I really do. Why? Why is winter so damn long this year? Why am I rottttttting away? Why? Why? Why?