Hard To Breath @ MindSay 
It's sad. I have no idea what to put in the subject line. I've created a mess again. And all I feel like doing is crying. I toss these ideas back and forth and back and forth. How can one minute everything be so great and the next it's not. How can one minute you feel like you're on top of the world and then next you don't.
How can you stare off in to space and find yourself asking yourself about the odds of this and the odds of that. Not necessarily if one situation is better for you or not but just thinking about all the things that make you so completely happy in the situation you are currently in and then also realizing all the things that don't make you happy. What would make you feel like you weren't letting down every one around you?
Have you ever cried so hard you couldn't catch your breath? Have you ever laid in your bed and put the sheets over your head and stuck your face in the pillow and cried yourself to sleep? Have you ever cried so hard it made you throw up? Or so hard and so long your eyes were swelled up the next day? Anymore that's what I feel like doing.
How do you choose staying home with your girlfriend or going camping with your friends? How do you choose celebrating your friend's 21st birthday or staying home with your girlfriend to watch a movie. Have you ever blown your dad or mom calling off just because you were spending time with your girlfriend? Does your mom live 30 minutes away and you don't talk to her everyday or see her? Do you feel bad because you know you could spend more time with her. But your heart and mind are choosing stay right where you are.
How can you want two things at one time? Why do you always worry about tomorrow? I find myself wondering if I can handle things and I'm not sure why. I should just roll with the changes. Deal with everything going on around me. Can I handle settling down now? Can I handle not having affection all the time? Can I handle moving in together? Can I handle friends? Can I handle not being with friends? Can I handle a child and him growing up? Can I handle a guy trying and or not trying? Why do things have to be so hard? Why does life have to be so hard? Should these things be easy? I suppose not. But then the quesiton is I can take myself away from all these things that don't make sence and all the things that are hard to deal with. So why don't I?
Love...that kind of love that you feel to the tips of your heart. The kind of love that makes your heart feel so big it will explode out of your chest.The kind of love you feel you can't live without. The feelings you get at the most gentlest of moments. The nights of being close and being one with another heart, soul, and mind. The laughs at stupid things you both did. To the being sick and having the them there to take care of you. With a child involved there are times when feeling like a family made you feel important. Hold your hand, look in your eyes, cuddles, kisses, hugs, and touches.
And with all that life has seemed to confuesed the living shit out of me. I get angry and frustrated and I seem to take it out on people who don't deserve me dishing my confused mind on them. Then I start hating myself for what I've done and what I can't change and what I could change. And all this heartache and for what? Why?
Deap Breath................................ something i really want to say, but i cant ever get the words out, because the pounding of my chest takes up all the air i need to breath. Im to scared of another chance to go by, but i am to scared of everything else that might come with the chance. Why do i have the balls to do everything else except for this one task of faith into something unknown. All week i have thought and thought about this one subject while i was out on the road with my dad (in the big truck), and i thought i had finally gotten the confidence to say what i have wanted to say for a long time. This fear is not like the fear u feel right before u go up to a rail or a gap, its the kind that u cant just put in the bottom of ur stomach and go with it, if u do the extra wieght will hold u down even further until u cant get anylower. My hand trimble, and my breathing is off.
(not a poem or a word from the heart, just the pure facts)