Hard Time @ MindSay

You know I noticed every time I try really hard on something. That it just end up shooting myself in the foot. I completely utterly humiliated myself in my literature class. I had to recite something for a minute. Which I probably did but  was asking myself for too much or something. Of course being in front of people would do that to you. But I didn't think it would be so bad since I'm always surrounded by people or even discussing a topic in class in front of the entire class. but this just seem to completely destroy me.

I tried. I really really tried very hard.  We had to do poems for the class for a full minute and stuff. I went and looked up a hip hop song I wanted to use. It's actually called "Hip Hop Lives" by KRS-One and Marely Marl. It's basically telling the definition of what HIP HOP stands for. Its very educational, and the lyrics to the song were just so beyond what hip-hop and rap are these days. I had it down, planned it well, and even had an instrumental beat to go with. I even dressed up in my Halloween costume again. Well I did it because of course a lot of girls didn't see me dress up the first two times. So of course they all loved it or whatever.

The first part of the lyrics I mess up and continued to mess up over and over and over all over the damn place. I had it what's wrong? What's wrong with me, it's not like I haven't been in front of people before. I've done power point presentations and had to talk to the people. So nothing went according to plan. I got out some of it but it needed to be perfect because it had a melody. That's probably where all the pressure was. As much as I practice which was quite a bit, I still imploded on myself.

Awe it's ok. No I sounded stupid and I really wanted people to understand it fully and clearly, but now it's lost all it's purpose. I get a lot of people telling me I would make a good leader or a teacher. but I can't even handle something like this. I don't want to be a leader, because I suck at it. Even with being positive or whatever, nothing really gets done I know I'm not helping. I just don't seem to be good at anything. How can I lead if I cannot even lead myself. The only time I was going fully out on it. What a shame.  Now no one will hear it correctly of what I was trying to do. My head hurts, I didn't want to cry over something so stupid. Here's the song I was meaning to do.

Well I'm not surprised it is 2009, I'm more surprised that I made it to this year a lot. As you mostly all know by now there's still been a lot of work and me trying to get money saved up for college. There's just no way to avoid the money issue anymore. Also I have been checking up on my status for the school, and I think they are screwing with me. So hopefully by Wednesday we can go up there and figure out something. Somethings not right and I hope it does not come back to bite me. School's practically just next week, and I have to start adjusting and getting books which is going to be more money. SLOW DOWN at work, probably switch to weekends or something. I need money but I rather go to school then be working really.

Things have been unusual as of late. Every time I go to work I see my neighbor walking her dog or walking with her son to drop him off at the school bus. She just recently had a baby last week, then this week she DIES of a massive heart attack. how insane is that. I grew up with her kids and they still live down the street. I was in total shock. What I think so far there must have been some type of complications with the baby. The baby's fine but maybe over a period of time something happen to the mom. Plus I was surprised she was having a baby for her age, she's not close to being mom's age but her kids are almost grown up and stuff. yet please send your prayers to that family, they've been together for so long and no one is ever really ready for something like that. Also same goes for anybody losing people around this time. The old folks trying to hang out throughout the holidays to make sure their loves ones won't go through such a hard time and everything.

What else is new with me? Well I just put a burner program on this computer finally. So Now I'm burning a lot of my old animes that I had on my external hard drive and making hard copies. Been meaning to and I still got to find a lot of my old stuff that took me forever. Finally caught up on Gundam 00 2nd season, it's freaking crazy what is going on in it.

Moving on, I am really interesting in getting a Net book, a more affordable laptop pretty much. They're getting really hot and they're not as expensive and do anything a laptop does except have a disc drive, which I already have plans to over come all that. Went by dad's today, one of the headlights on my car was out so we were fixing it, and I was telling him all the stuff about school and books and just how we should plan to work it out. Which led to me watching Richard Dean Anderson McGuyver haha. So taught dad how to use the HD tv his wife got. Found a lot of old comic books, not what exactly what I was hoping for what dad said but it's cool I'll look up what I have.

STILL haven't been able to work on my stories which sucks, I really want to get back into story writing but it doesn't seem like I am able to. Have so many ideas I can only write down this and that but no huge story from it anywhere. I really really want to change that. I guess I should make that a New year's Resolutions. Maybe next entry I'll write up a New years Resolutions. But you guys have to promise to help me out with it also what are you guys Resolutions and everything ^_^

Hey You guys

I am so sorry that I havent update this blog before. I have been busy and tried to find a new job so hard. I moved to the new place for three weeks. I sweared to myself that if I couldnt get any job here! I might move on to another state. So, I keep telling myself like this all the time, just wanted to remind myself about a hardly finding job here.

I have a few reason that I dont really want to leave this state. I and my boyfriend waited each other for awhile to live nearby each other. We spend and learm more each other during a hard time and situation. When I was unhappy and worried all of the problems that happened to me. He and his family are always be with me with no doubt. They let me come into their family and I became one part of them. I dont really want to move away from him. It is gonna be hard to let our relationship grow by the long distance. He doesnt want me leave neither. He would love to have our own family and spend the time with me as long as he can.

Anyway, I hope and believe that God has never leave me alone. He always be with me during the hardest time. He knew and realized how hard is life on the global earth. I am also smiling all along even though I got such a really bad storm in my life.

In the former day, my love had a really bad life before. He punished himself to get involve with drug. He has his own daughter but he broke up with his x wife bcoz of she cheatted on him. He sounded hurt really bad. He didnt have a chance to take care of his daughter by himself by the time he broke up with her. Until now, his daughter is 8 yrs old, she is so sweet but sometimes she kept herself by her own, didnt want to talk with anyone even tho her dad. I knew that she got a problem bcoz she didnt grow up with parents. She has to live with the grandparents. That story hurts me so bad. My boyfriend has never gotten her daughter back. She punished herself to not talk with her dad anymore. No one knows what is her problem. First time, I met my bf, I heard his story and kept telling myself that I should help him get away from drug and hope his daughter get back to him. All of thing I wanted to do to him right away seem so hard in the beginning. So, I wont give up. I always told him that everything might get better. He has to give her a hard time. i meant take her time until she realize that.

For my love, right now! he swore to me that I far away from damn drug and friends who invited him did that. He got a wonderful life after he met me. He got his lovely daughter back. I fulfill his new life. He said, he loves me more than I realized becoz of my forgiveness, kidness and happiness. I am calm, hosnest and different one from another women.

I am glad that my life is getter better after a big problem even tho I cant get any job now.

My heart is beating and returns to be freshy by the time when we are living together.

 

You guys pls wish me luck to find a job. I might get a good news soon.

 

Kitty 

Today got me really pissed off, I hate all this oh I will start writing in your yearbook then stop half way.  It pisses me off because im not sure if people know how screwed up I am right now, im worried that I will never see any of them again and its to much to bear all at once or even at all.  This week has been hard enough on me as it is for other reasons I don't need added bullshit, I don't want to end up looking at my yearbook years later and seeing half written shit in it, you know I want to be done but its slowly killing me just trying to deal with it all.  I never thought leaving this bullshit town would be so hard, I wasn't mentally prepared to leave anyone I love behind, let alone a whole group of people.  Who knew I would get so attached?  I always hoped I would be able to distance myself from any undesirable emotion, and here I am sitting and I can't help but cry.  This week is to much to fast, I kept thinking to myself that I hard more time then I really do, that I still had time to hammer any unresolved issues out.  And lately all I have been able to do is make people more distanced from me, its like im scaring them away.  I never would have thought anything could be this hard, to let go of all I have known for so long and all the people I have come to love, its like im decaying but im still alive and its maddening.  I know people always say I will keep in touch and don't worry we will see each other again, and I can't help but to think "what about all the other seniors I knew?" they left and they haven't even come back to say so much as a hello.  Change sucks this week blows and im tired of being one of the only people that gets whats actually going on.  I swear I can't take this at all.