Happy Fun Time @ MindSay

no. i'm just FINALLY HOME AFTER 7 WEEKS IN ISRAEL!
actually it was yesterday. but i had no time. considering i had to..do stuff.
which actually didn't consist of much.
but anyways.

if anyone didn't notice, i am no longer 15.
july 30 = becca's birthday. i turned 16 the day i got off the plane in the United States.
sooooo yes. i'm now 16. happy birthday to me. it wasn't much.

but now i have a new room. new walls and i will be getting new furniture to put in it. new carpet as well.
my mom says she'll take me to "the star" which is this GREAT basque place in town for lunch sometime.
and today..as i'm writing this at 5 in the morning on the 31st, i'm seeing batman. like 4 weeks after everyone else in the united states. ha.
oh! this also included NOT getting a text from a certain interest/maybe not interest (i don't really know as i've been gone forever)...AFTER she even told me she would text me when she gets off work.
hm. that's fun. ya know? i'll be dropping off her gift from Israel at her work today. and as i'm awake super early, it'll probably be this morning.

oh. and about being awake so early, as well.
10 hour time change. Israel is ten hours ahead of Elko.
fun fun!


in unrelated news:
my mother just woke up to let the dog out.
she told me not to get on the internet without an adult in the room.
WTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTF.

Yeah, playing Rock Band with my bro Fwiffo. We started a band called Stylish Therapy. He just ran out the door.. ahem... I mean he ran off for a bit to "get smokes".

My main band is called The BooHoos but my character, Mazzy, wanted to have a neato-kean side band. What fun!

Remember life is a great road-trip but stop, look and listen...


Because you never know when the train is coming.

Hi Everyone,

 

This is my first blog ever so let's see how it turns out. I decided to share with the world my experiences of my first and only love and growing up with it. I hope you enjoy it

 

In the beginning of my adolesence i loved girls. Any girl if she was pretty. This was quite understandable because it's the first romantic and sexual contact you have, you don't know what your taste is. It's not specified yet. But when you grow older and you had a few small relationships you start to prefer certain types. With me i was still quite easy i had a lot of attention from girls and i liked them based on looks. But sometimes there was an exception i would meet a beautiful girl and she would extremely interesting too. You don't know how to act, you don't always feel comfortable but you want to be with her.

 

Then it happens, you really, truly fall in love for the first time. You are completely blown away, you just can't stop thinking about her. You want to spend every single minut with her. For me this was the case when i was about sixteen. I was in a bar(i am from holland) and i saw this girl dancing on a stage, she was unbelievibly beautifull, i couldn't stop looking at her and i knew she noticed me. We didn't talk at all that night. But i found out she was going to the same school as me. I became friends with her best friend and one night that friend was over to my place to watch a movie. And she brougt THE girl, i was shellshocked. I couldn't believe it, that girl in my house and i was going to talk to her. So i smartly positioned myself next to her and we watched the movie. This was the most uncomfortable time ever. I wanted to kiss her, talk to her, hold her, everything. But as it turned out she wasn't all that interested in me at least that's what she said. There was also a small problem because her best friend was in love with me.

 

We started having contact singlely throught chatting and sometimes a phone call. I couldn't stop thinking about her she was an angel to me. One night she came over to watch a movie, just as friends as she repeated multiple times. Because she didn't want to hurt her friend and i also was starting to give up on the fact that we would ever be together. So i looked my best and we watched a movie(a romantic one ofcourse), but during the film there was a lot of tension. I looked at her a she was watching and later i started to notice she looked at me too. At that moment i got an huge adrenaline boost cause for the first time i felt her affection but i also was so tensed cause i didn't knew if i was right. Then after about an hour i wanted to give her a kiss, just a small kiss on the cheek. So when i leaned over it happened, she turned her faced towards me and she kissed me. We didn't see anything of the movie anymore we just couldn't stop kissing, holding each other or just looking at each other. It was truly just surreal, my body had so many different feelings and emotions going at that point. It was new for me i didn't knew what this was or how big this was. My brain was just frozen it couldn't process what was going on. So after the movie i had to bring her back home, we rode our bikes hand in hand and we were truly happy at that point. Just both blown away by these feelings.

 

So the day after we had to discuss what to do, because we were both quite populair in school and there was always a lot of gossip we didn't any bad talk about us. So i asked here "are you my girlfriend"? She said smiling "i guess". This was amazing in 24 hours the girl i was crazy about was also crazy about me. So we went to school everybody was asking we just couldn't stop smiling we both stood with our own friends answering questions whilst having eyecontact during that whole period. So we started dating there was no sex or anything like that just pure affection. She was not experienced in that field at all. So we were taking everything really slow just haning out, watching movies, walking the dog and stuff like that. But in the mean time our hearts grew together both had some troubles in our childhoods and we were really closed about that except to each other. We could finally talk to somebody we trusted and who understood us. Everything was great.

 

After about nine months we had sex for the first time, we went to second and first base, but this was all the way. We were quite nervious, home alone, candles it was like it should be. Ofcourse it was a little bit akward it wasn't my first time but it certainly felt so because i really loved her. The first person i loved. It was really special the sex wasn't amazing but he feeling was, it was as if we physically grew together. After there was no stopping sex turned into making love. Hours long of just lying there, complete trust and complete hapiness. We were great!

 

But then i acted as an idiot. I sometimes was really insecure because i had opened up to her. I completely gave myself for the first time in my life. I always had problems with it, but with her i totally let go. I was scared sometimes that she didn't love me as much as i loved her. At the time i still went to a lot of parties and a lot of girls were interested in me. I always kept them on a safe distance. Then one summer i met a good friend of her, we had really nice contact. I felt the girl was interested in me but my hart was given away. During that time i started doubting more and more if my girlfriend still loved me. Then i got drunk at a party and the friend seduced my, and i cheated on my beautifull perfect girlfriend. We had sex. At the time i didn't realise what i was doing. i knew it was wrong but not what i was doing to my girlfriend. So the next day i thought of telling her but i couldn't i just couldn't. Because i knew i would lose her. For me the sex meant totally nothing but for her it was a knife in the heart. I decided not to tell her.

 

After about 5 months she found out that i cheated on her. She was cold, distant and hatefull. That second i realised the consequences of my actions i broke her hart en by that broke my own. I screwed up. And i wasn't man enough to tell her i did. That was one of the worst things for her. I wanted to talk to her but she didn't want to see me, she ignored me at school and her friends made sure i couldn't reach her. I was drowning in self pitty and pain. And was just broken by what i had done. After about two months she decided to talk to me. So we met at a bench where we would always sit and enjoy the view just talking and having fun. I was so nervious, but i was also happy i knew i was going to see her from up close again even if she hated me i could still smell her. The smell of how it was, the smell of love, the smell of safety. So we talked she wanted to know why i ofcourse produced a shit answer. And i cried for the first time, for the first time in six years or so, i cried. We both sat there crying, and telling each other how much we loved each other. We started to sit a bit closer and after about an hour we suddenly kissed. It was the best kiss ever we were back! But not for long she had difficulties trusting me and she couldn't go on like nothing happened. I had to earn her trust and there were a lot of talks. The whole time i was fighting to stay with the girl i loved. I wanted to marry her right there and then.

 

Now we were dating just over two years. She got older and went out more and got a lot of attention of other guys, because i cheated i suspected here too always. I wasn't over jealous but i thought that a lot of guys were better then me. Then when we both finished high school we broke up. She was going to go to London for a year and was going to Australia. We had to figure out how big our love was. And she also had to experience other guys for her sake of knowing how special it was what we had. So she went to London and i was still in Holland. It was really difficult i wanted to be with here but i also knew it would be a great experience for the both of us. We always thought if this is as big as we think we'll end up together anyways. So after two months just before i left to Australia she came over to Holland for a weekend it was truely magical we stayed in the bedroom the whole weekend just enjoying each other. Not letting go, it was just to hard. But we had to. So after three days she went back to London and i was of to the end of the world. Trying to forget her. Trying not to want her. Trying to survive.

 

I met a lot of girls in Australia but they were all nothing compared to her, they didn't get me. I was annoyed by there beheavior. I just couldn't hang out with them on a romantic level for more than a few days. I still listened to all the songs that reminded me of her. Hours and hours in my bed wishing i would be with her. And sometimes i would call her. She was having an amazing time, she met another guy and she was happy as she was. She told me she wasn't in love with him but that he was a decent guy. I was happy for her, but i was also blowing up. My girl with another guy doing the same things as she did with me. It wasn't about the sex but i could imagine her touching him or stroking him just like she used to do to me. I was hartbroken and on the other side of the world. So i switched my mind and partied for three months straight. I could forget her during the day but always thought of her during the night. I longed to see her eyes and smell her. I couldn't handle it. After a while i started to notice that some memories were fading. Sometimes there was a whole day i wouldn't think of her. I was starting to move on. And was happy about it. After eight months i came back to Holland and was confronted with the femiliair places we used to be together. She was still in London but she felt close.

 

After a month she finally came back i saw her immediately and we were together for two weeks. There was something diffirent, we both grew up and learned a lot. We were still in love with each other but we felt that we had to split up to grow. So we decided not to go back to each other but have a seperate life for a few years. Both still convinced that we would end up together.

 

So that's what we're doing right now we both live in Amsterdam and we see each other about once a month and we are still in love. Maybe you can only give your heart away once. Maybe it is just that special between us. Or maybe i'll fall in love tomorrow, i don't know but time will tell. Will we end up together or will we both become happy with somebody else. One thing is for sure there's no day we don't think about each other. Altough we don't see each other that often we are always together. Even now while i am lying in bed writing down our story.

 

I wish that everybody would fall in love like this. Because it's the most beautifull thing in the world. We have been through some much but everything made us stronger.

 

Let me know what you think or maybe you have experienced something similair.

 

Paul

 

p.s. My apologies for the spelling and grammar, but because i am dutch this isn't my first language.

Into the future
Time keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin'
Into the future...

Today one of the multitudes of things that I am thinking of is time. And specifically the statements "A watched pot never boils” and "Time flies when you're having fun" are swirling about in my brain, mixing and separating, changing, morphing into strange and mysterious things that only my mind could fathom. And strange they are for when one tries to understand what time is, not the rotation of this planet as it orbits the sun, but rather what it is in a physical sense, possibly a metaphysical sense, (I'm not quite sure how this works within all that is in my head) but what it is as a force that acts upon all things great and small...

And this brings me to think of the fact that finite beings such as humans may not have the capacity to touch the infinite. As advanced as we claim to be, there are things in this universe that we will never comprehend; there are things that will always be beyond the scope of our finite three-dimensional thought processes. We may never know the Truth even it happened to be all around us for we are much like an audience in a cave that watches the play before their eyes that is cast as shadows upon the walls. We act as if we are so powerful in the grand scheme of things, when in fact we are the masters of nothing. We are like leaves floating on the surface of a great pond, bobbing about on the waves, directed by the wind, until we have decayed enough to slip below the surface, resting finally amongst the rotting corpses of the past. And in our time we will never know what time is or why it has a stranglehold upon our lives...

And though my mind wonders about through great philosophical questions for which answers can never be satisfactory, there are still things that I must know even if others would look upon me as if I had gone mad. Things like what if I had fun watching a pot boil? What impact would this have on time as I know it? Would the result cancel time entirely? Would it cause some great explosion as the time before is rip from the very fabric of my reality? Would anything happen to this reality that others would notice if this were to happen?

And time keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin' into the future, but what of the past. When the past has come and gone where does it go to? Where is the place that time goes to die? And what becomes of the corpse? Does it smell of rotten meat? (Emily just had to speak to me at that very moment, which has now become the past and I know not where it has gone if in fact it was actually here to begin with) Does the past pile up at the bottom of some great sea, forming varying strata that becomes compacted and eventually turns to stone - timestone - and in each layer there remains only the faintest hint of the details though general trends can sometimes be read?

Time is one of those mysteries that grab hold of my brain and won't let go, and it squeezes so tight that its finger prints are imbedded in the gray matter. I know I have various entries on the subject and that I will undoubtedly write more. I have already touched upon the fact that the present cannot be measured by man and that there is only the past and the future that has any meaning to humans. And I will probably babble on about this again when the time is right and the moon and the stars have aligned themselves in a groovy sort of fashion. And I will spend more time on time for the fingerprints on my brain are deep and will require much effort to be removed from the mass of cells...

And such are my thoughts on this day...

This is the Word of the AntiCrust...

Praise be ye who Read the Word for ye are Blessed amongst humans...

why does everything have to be soo hard all the time?

especially now? i should be happy, but instead i think about the childhood  i wish i had!

you may think i had a great life soo far, but as i stand back and look at it, the good times only started when high school began. is that when life really starts? is that when you really start to become something in this crazy fucked up world?

yeah i smile all the time, but am i really that happy? i can't really say that i'm truly happy with everything in my life. mike and i are fine. yeah money's tight, but we're happy with our relationship. he still amazes me every day. and i'm soo happy he's here to help me. to tell the truth, i think he's the only one that understands me. when i think of him i think of the life we can have.

in my world its a little stormy right now, only because some people haven't made the right decisions as in what they want. my life doesn't always make sense, but things with mike always have. even when we were apart, i think i still loved him. i never thought about him and i ever being back together. i never thought he'd hold me in his arms.

i just realized that i could possibly going into a depression. i was depressed before, but i've never been torn between both happiness and sadness. i guess sometimes at some point in my life i have to face my filling cabinet and straighten the few folders i have in shambles. later all.