Hannah @ MindSay

I'm writing here because I have a fight tomorrow and I need to clear my head. I'd rather be talking to someone, but I've burned all those bridges now. It's okay, I mean, as much as I'd rather that they were in my life, I can't NEED them. It's still just a little hard, you know, not having anybody around.

Emily could see that I was having a rough day, and she offered to listen, but it was just a little too close to to the truth, and I couldn't tell her. I wanted to tell her. I really wanted to tell her. I wasn't going to mention anything about the causes of it all, but I desperately wanted her to know how alone I felt. Feel. She's felt able to rely on me for emotional support when days get rough, and probably wanted to reciprocate. But I couldn't. Part of it is how much she reminds me of Hannah, part of it is how much the whole situation reminds me too much of Hannah. I fell in Love with her through an alternating series of one of us opening up to the other, and the same thing is wrenching us apart. I can't open up to people with that deapth anymore. I'm scared of the pain. I'm terrified. Nightmares cause me to sweat, but this kind of terror causes me to shiver. I'm paralyzed by it. It's strangling me right along with the guilt of all the things I've done, and most immediately the guilt of the things I have to do.

What is the right thing? Is Roslin right? Is the right thing a luxary? What's it all worth? Will I still have a soul when it's over? Can I get through it without hurting the people I love any more? Can I continue to live if I can't?

Can Hannah and I ever rebuild our friendship if I continue to insist that I can't turn to her in times of trial? Would it matter? What if it was the only way? Could I do it?

Her friendship is worth everythng to me. I would do anything to preserve it. But what if it's no longer in my power to allow her to BE a friend? Can I fix it? What if I'm just not strong enough to hold on? Will I ever be able to love again? Will I live to find out? These questions bind me like a noose, strangling me, breaking me under the weight of their absent answers, and beneath the fear of their revelation.

I'm tired. I'm desperately tired. I'm tired of hanging onto the cords that tie me to half-forgotten memories and the friendship at their core, when those memories are so far out of my view that I'm not even sure if they're at the other end anymore. I love Hannah, but if she untied one end of the line and walked away from it, I don't think she'd ever tell me. Hell, she might not be able to recognize it. I guess it's likely that she's on the other end, afraid to let go just like me. Is it too much to hope for that she is as sure as I am that it's worth it to hang on, no matter how much it hurts?

Or the worst question: What if I'm the one that's let go? God forgive me if that's true.

I can't do this anymore. This brought a lot more to the surface than I was expecting. My speed-dial now accesses a blank address book entry that her number used to occupy. Yes, I remember the number, but it's one I won't call for help anymore. I can't. I could once, and now she hates me for it. No, I can't do this anymore, but I can't turn to her either. I think I might just go bury my face in a quilt and see if I can't drop a tear or too, then either try this again or go over to Taylor's when I feel I can handle my emotions without informing him.

I just...there's not enough comfort here right now. This is all a lot harder than I wanted it to be. To be continued.

I've only got a few minutes before dad's quorum meeting starts, so I have to make t his brief.

Yesterday I saw Scoot. It was cool. We filmed a movie for Kyo up at the reactor. On the way up, Hannah called and said that she and Kate were bored and wanted to hang out. I told her I'd call her as soon as we were done. I did. She showed up seconds before Swiff dropped me off. We sat and talked. I made her eat. Katie came over shortly after. She was having a rough time. For that matter so was I, and I didn't know it until later, but obviously so was Hannah.

Katie wanted to watch Feivel Goes West (sp?). Hannah sounded like she did too. I put it on, but I couldn't sit through the whole thing. I was just so tired of putting on a happy face for everyone around. It hurt to be around Hannah still. I couldn't do it. I went upstairs and started reading old blog entries about her, specifically the one where I first lamented telling her how I felt. It seems like yesterday, but in reality it was over a year and a half ago. Wow.

It was right then that Katie came up and started trying to pry out of me what was wrong. I might have told Hannah, but I was in no mood to discuss it with Kate. While she was tryign to get it out of me, Hannah came storming up out of the basement and took off. I just stood there in the doorway, longing for her to return, just wanting to hold her, to tell her that I loved her. But she wasn't coming back. I stood there watching the headlights until they dissapeared.

Kate watched in horror as I knelt on the stairs, almost dieing for the difficulty with which I choked down the sobs. By the time she thought to reach out and touch me, I had already stifled all emotion, entered again my robot defense mechanism in a last, ditch effort to stop the pain.

It didn't last long. Big, fat, warm tears streaked down my cheeks. She listened. She comforted me. Just in time too, because, underneath it all, she was in a lot of pain too, and she got me feeling just well enough to help her. I wouldn't let her leave until she had calmed down, and then insisted that she call me when she got home. I wanted to ask the same of Hannah but I never got the chance, and she wasn't answering her phone.

I just want to be a part of your life, Hannah. I just want to know what's going on. I know you have your reasons for hiding from me, but...please, Hannah. I still love you and will do anything I can to protect you. You just have to tell me how!

Please, Hannah.

Please.

Hey guys!

I don't know if I ever told you all.  Hannah and I are no longer friends.  She was my soulsister.....well, I thought that she was anyways. 

   She expected me to support her sexual orientation but, she refused to accept me for who I am.  She was somewhat a part of who I was.  But we weren't meant to be friends.  The part of me and her that connected us is broken...we are two totally different people.  It's time for me to move on from her.

     I miss watching football.   I don't know who I'm going to root for this season.  It all depends on what Twinkybutt is going to do.  If he doesn't come back to the Denver Broncos then that's it.  I'm not a Bronco fan anymore.  My allegiances lie with him.  For now, I'm simply a Plummer fan.   I like the Texans, the Cardinals, the Giants, the Colts and the Bengals. 

    ~*The day in the life of Rebekah Kyger*~*316*~

I learned today that Hannah Montana, aka Miley Cyrus, is not only still alive, but is also making a 3D movie. WHO APPROVED THIS?!!??!?!?! Havent people realized that the only reason she is famous is because billy ray cyrus was getting low on funds (which is why he was forced to be on dancing with the stars) so he decided to whore out his own daughter? She pops out sugary-sweet, teenybopper songs that make any self-respecting adult want to rip their own arms off just so that they can stick the bloody stumps into their eardrums. I do have to admit that I watch her show from time to time, but that was only started because my dorm roommate would watch it incessantly and now I watch it when there is really nothing else on (thats what happens when you have no life *bangs head on desk*). If I ever start singing one of her songs..please someone kill me..in the most horrible fashion imaginable. I will admit that when I heard miley's new song, start all over, on the radio I wanted to be disemboweled because I found it catchy and actually like it *bashes in face with baseball bat full of nails* (keep in mind I did not know who the artist was at the time)

I saw a disgusting snippet of her new video while I was watching tv with my 11-year-old sister (who adores hannah montana). It is a disgrace to america (not as much as george bush though). everything was red, white and blue...seriously..like..EVERYTHING. I can envision the american flag crying and then throwing up. her outfit is even red white and blue. The fact that she is trying to be something that she is not makes me the most ill. first thing I noticed: she is wearing bondage pants..red bondage pants...WTF?! She is a scene kid..scene kids need to die. Also, for those who havent quite mastered the art of discerning boy vs girl, all of the extra girls have bright pink somewhere on their body, but for the most part the pink is plastered on with almost no skin to be found. Hell, they might as well painted these poor girls pink. The most amusing part of her disheveled and tired choreography is the fact that she has taken the macarena, removed a couple moves (she of course had to get rid of the pelvic movements..disney owns her soul), threw in a different move (where she sticks her arms straight out to the side and bends over like she does every time disney channel executives come near her) and then proceeds to dance this little hand and arm dance with the bastard children of the village people: an astronaut, a scuba diver, a cop, and a cowboy. And to top it all off, miley cyrus' persona in the video is like the prom night dumpster baby of Britney Spears, Christina Aguilara, and Avril Lavigne. She has the shitty britney dance moves, which means that only her arms, hands and face really move. Her hairstyle is a blatant and shitty rip-off of christina aguilara's "dirrty" phase, and her fashion sense is the clothes avril lavigne rejected.

Someone needs to put a bullet through this girl's head before she winds up living in a trailer park with her 8 children, her fat, hairy, lazy husband, 3 watch dogs, and massive piles of cats. All the while her tits are scraping the ground while she wheels herself around in her extra large hoverround because she lost a leg to diabetes, and shes so fat she can store whole meals in her warm, moist fat rolls.

It's always so much easier to figure out a title for these entries after I begin to write, because I never know what I'm going to write about, which is how it should be in a blog.

We'll start with my day yesterday. I got home from school and went right up to Katie's. I'd like to think I could have jumped the car myself but I realy didn't think I could. It's a good thing I didn't try. She was asleep; good for her. We went down to East Shore to give the car a boost. Well, the parking lot was full, so I had her put it in neutral and steer as I backed it out of the stall. Well, the problem was that, to move it anywhere else, I had to push it uphill. That was a bit hard. Katie helped a little but couldn't do much because she needed to steer (which is very difficult without power steering, btw. She did a great job!)

I had to idle my engine at 4000 rpms for about ten minutes. At first I told her to turn on her defogger on full to warm the engine up faster, but as it turns out, my battery has a hard time running two cars with their accessories on. I don't think I've every stalled a car that wasn't in gear. After ten minutes the engine did turn over, but wouldn't quite start, so I ran it for another ten minutes at 4000 and it did start. I didn't leave it long enough though because when I took the cables off, it wouldn't start again. So I left it running for another ten minutes at 4000. It works now.

She didn't want to go home, so she sat through my kids class. She looked incredibly bored. I can't blame her. I feel bad. I skipped out on the advanced class to grab some food and then high-tailed it back in time for Gumdo, which rocked. I got to review sangsoo gumbup ilban and punch out a candle. Yippie Kiay motherf.

After an hour and a half of Gumdo, Katie wanders in. I was amazed that she was still there. Appearantly she had falen asleep again and woke up only becaue it became cold. I felt bad that I couldn't entertain her, but she assured me that it was better than going home. I guess she's not fond of the dark.

We came back to my house to work on homework...actually, she just read Orson Scott Card. I lent her one of "The Tennis Shoes" books and "The Coin's Edge," one of Joe's books.

I finished my story last night. I hate it. I think I like that story exponentially less for every page that it runs. But it's relevant to my life and it accomplishes its purpose, both its original purpose and the purpose for which it evolved. I'll type it up and make some revisions to it, and then it will probably go here. Also, I may wait until I have a good illustration or two. Naw. I'll add those later. I don't want to do them yet.

I was multitasking, what with Hannah and Katie and Erin and Alisa and Mom and Dad and Homework and Story. I was kind of sad because I turned around and found Hannah had dissapeared offline. I considdered calling her right then and there but thought it best not to wake her parents. I waited a little while and called her later. I worry about her. She's going through something that doesn't sound particularly easy on her, and she won't tell me what it is, not that I pushed too hard to know. It does kind of worry me though. It has to do with me, and that's just a scary idea. I'm afraid she's going to tell me that she's decided that I have fallen too far from my ideal self, that she can no longer stand me and never wants to see me again, or else she found out something about my somewhat rebelious history that caused her to loose an equivelent ammount of respect for me. Whatever the case is, I'm going to be glad when it's all said and done. I'm sure she will too. For however much my worst-case scenario imagination kills me, it must be much worse for her. I just hope it's not all on my account.

Well, I'm going to wrap it up so I can get down to the counciling office in time to never have to go to this class again. SEE YA!