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What Is Going On In His Mind?!
So I deleted Jayden from facebook and msn and everything...

So far he hasn't even noticed, which I expected.

So moving on...

The friend that was interested in me...that things got fucked up with, that I still have no idea what is going on, was on msn today and didn't talk to me.

He (Tito, btw) still hasn't explained why he was so annoyed with me. He said *I* was what's wrong with our friendship. And then I say ok, bye. And he still tried to say hi when we passed in person. When we talked after, he claimed I was giving him the cold shoulder. Well can you blame me? I wasn't ignoring him on purpose so much as, understood that he didnt wanna talk to me. And him saying hi in person seemed like a smack in the face, ignoring what had happened to pretend everything's normal. It hurt.

And he didn't even say goodbye. I happened to see him off, when I had breakfast in the morning and saw the bus come into the parking lot. I went to the window and saw him...I wanted so much to run out and hug him...

I wasn't even going to talk to him on msn, but I just couldn't help it. He even continued to be angry with me, and he was about to click ignore. How could he? Do I mean that little to him?? He said I changed his mind. He said he'd rather not lose a friend, even though he has plenty.

He's such a great guy, and we were so close before, I don't understand why he's acting like this.

First of all, some history:

We met and we got along great. And so we started hanging out more and more, and it was kinda like we were dating. But I was still in love with Jayden...and then Jayden asked me to get back together, I told Tito and he was upset obviously, but said if it was Jayden I loved, then I should be with him.

Well then Jayden broke up with me AGAIN. And slowly it went back into kind of dating with Tito. It would be hot and cold; every time I mentioned Jayden, it would get cold and then slowly warm up again.

One night after mentioning Jayden, we went to Tim Horton's together and he was clearly upset, and wouldn't tell me why. That was a few months ago.

And then recently he started getting annoyed with me. I noticed whatever I said or did seemed to bug him. So I asked him about it. And he said he was because we didn't act like friends.

So I asked him what he wanted to do. If he wanted to be friends, or more. On msn he said friendship, but when I went to his room to talk to him, he said he didn't know. And then when we talked after the "fight" about it, he said he just wants "to see". Which I have no problem with at all! It's what we've been doing the whole year, and I've been good with that. He accused ME of wanting a "plan for a relationship". I still don't know how he can see that. He also said a lot of random things that didnt seem to connect, such as:

"You need a play-by-play" BUT: I never asked what we WERE, until he admitted it was the reason he was so annoyed with me. I just went on what HE told me.

"You stop by to visit, you should have an intention other than visiting."
BUT: he often called me and ASKED me to visit. And I don't think I visited that often. Sometimes just to say hi and get back to work. In which case he often asked me to stay, or go get homework and come back down so we could do it in the same room.

*I* thought it was HIM that wanted definition. I mean, he's the one that was annoyed and said that was the reason. I wanted to solve whatever it was, because obviously I don't want him being annoyed with me. But HE would rather ignore it.

He said recently that he doesn't feel that he needs to own up to me. I don't even really know what THAT means. If he means he doesn't need to tell me how he feels, I guess that's true, but if he's annoyed with me, I think I have the right to know why.

I really like him, and I don't know what I want with him, but I know I want to be friends. And if he keeps refusing to talk about it, that could end our friendship...

He asked me what I wanted. And I told him I didn't know. I also added, what does it matter (because online he had said he wanted to be friends), that if he wanted friends it didnt matter what I wanted. He said he still wanted to know. He asked if I could deal with just being friends, and I said well I'd have to now wouldn't I. It seemed like the way he asked that he was unsure of what he wanted. Like he said friendship because he thought that was what I would say... I don't know.

I might want more, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid of so many things, but mostly of being left again. Jayden didn't even give me a reason, or a warning, he just decided he didnt want to be with me anymore. And I'm also afraid I might have ruined a chance with Tito. The most recent thing he said was that we'd just see what happens. I'm fine with that, but I still need to know what made him upset before.

I just don't get what is going on in his head! Maybe he doesn't know what he wants and he's annoyed with THAT? He's never liked discussing feelings. He hates serious talks. I like him a lot, but that's one of the things that worries me, that he wont speak up when something's bothering him.

But I guess maybe I made him realize he was annoyed, before he realized it himself. He did kind of react that way...

gah! Anyone? Guys? >.<


but the further i go, i wanna go home.
i shall begin this blog entry by saying that i'm a whore.
       i have a new boyfriend. he's super nice to me and respectful and sweet and he gets it. the problem is that he lives a couple hours away and he can't visit me very often. together, we set up my friend with his friend and they're already super happy. he's 20 and homeless and he fights on the street to make money.
       there's also another guy. he's been the other guy for like a year and a half, but never the main guy. he's fun to be with, we have lots in common, he's a great kisser, and he really gets it. the problem is that he's on probation and can't even know i exist. he's also 20 and he has a girlfriend.
       there's also another other guy. he's super cute and sweet and innocent and creative and such a gentleman and he gets it. the problem is that he also lives far away and can't visit. he's 15 and i met him at the renaissance festival.
       i've been thinking seriously about packing up and leaving for California. guy #2 would be the most fun and the most willing, if he didn't have a girlfriend. but guy #1 will work if i really need to leave, since he's got nothing to loose. and he's already mine, so no worries there. but if i have to leave alone, i will. possibly even drop out of high school, depending on how much shit sucks between now and whenever i graduate.
       yup. fuck having options. honestly, though, i wish option #2 was even an option. damnit.

Love, Friends, Interests and Loss-Thankful I'm a good liar!
I still have it in me to love Andy, as I know I always will.

I miss the company of Tom... the one who I became kinda friends with until he decided not to talk to me, without telling me why. I'm pretty sure my "friend" Nick warned him not to be my friend, though. Nick loves to hurt people, he enjoys it a lot. He has hurt me so much. We were friends, best friends, a couple, ennemies, strangers, and almost kind of friends-ish again until that...He claimed to have changed but I know he has not. He has a hug lying problem, in which he has admit to. Tom was a good listener and gave the best hugs. He's an asshole, but there's more to him than he may lead people to believe. I know he's sensitive and caring, and he's shown me this, but he prefers to hide it. We did some fooling around, but he ended that abruptly, too, and I don't know why.

A guy now in the majority of my classes I'm kind of interested in. Sometimes it seems he is interested in me, too, but probably not. We haven't really talked too much, he just appears fascinating, intelligent and funny.

There's this guy at my work who likes to bug me. He may like me, or is just playful with everyone. I'd probably say yes if he ever asked to hang out.Not sure though...he keeps joking about me beign a cutter because I always cover my wrist. "No, of course not, what the hell, Mark!" I say... I think he tried to look once, or "steal my bracelet", and that was scary. It's hard to tell if he's joking or he knows. I don't know if I could trust him, so I'm thankful I am a good liar. We'll see how it goes.


maybe six feet ain't so far down.......

i'm in a bit of a sticky situation right now between me and the guy i like. i'm pretty sure he's avoiding me because of it, which makes me sad because seeing him makes me happy. i haven't seen him in like 2 weeks and every time i want to hang out or my friend wants him to hang with us, he makes an excuse to not come. he also promised me something before he stopped avoiding me. it's important, but if he keeps avoiding me like this and breaks his promise, i don't know what i'll do and i'll be sad. everything is so stressful right now and i'm freaking out.

           1- school starts in less than 2 weeks and i'm not exactly ready, 2- my brother and his friends bug me all the time and call me a freak, 3- my friends think i'm an idiot, 4- there are some things i can't tell my friends, 5- the thing about the guy..., 6- in 2 years, i'm going to have to start my life and that scares the hell out of me, 7- i'm just not ready to handle everything that is/ might be happening.

            i'm seriously thinking about doing something... i want to die, but i am really scared to do it myself, in case i fail. i don't want to be hospitalized. i'm also scared of hell and suicide is a bad sin, but if something/someone else killed me, i'd be off the hook, right?


in class...

hmm so im in civics class and ive decided that since im blocked from so many sites here at school, im just going to do this project at home tonight.

seeing as apparently i go out to much and im more or less grounded from going out tonight (according to my mom)

so yea tonight i shall paint my nails orange and black, straighten my hair, do this civics project....and just be lazy :). and miss out on gatenight activities lol jk. i dont do that stuf...anymore...

anyhow. i went to physiotherapy this morning (cause of my back) and its not hurting right now :)! so im participating in wrestling practise tonight!

Smileywrestling season starts on nov. 5th!!!!!!!!!!!! im pumped.

haha this guy jordan saw me walking with chris today and then me and him started talking about wrestling and jordans like "hey why dont you join?" to chris and i just burst out laughing and said "no way will i ever let that happen" lol.

baaaaaaaaaa this class is so pathetic. i hate this teacher. seriously shes the definition of bitch.

im hungry. damn im not gonna get to eat till 5:30....damn

stef (aka sweetazcandy) says hi; shes a loser and doesnt even go on here anymore though:P


oh so did i mention that chris did say he loves me last night? well he did...and it was odd he was all like not telling me but then i bugged him enough and he's like "ok well i dont want this to ruin our relationship...but i think i may love you" and i gave him and hug and it suddenly clicked and im like "what seriously?" and hes like "...yea". and then all i could say was "uhmm well its not going toruin our relationship". then i gave him a kiss and left. i feel like such an asshole.

then last night afterwards he came online and he kept apologizing im like "dont apologize i do beleive i deserve to know". and then he said "but i probably just messed it up like i did with my last girlfriend" and im like "uhmmm im nothing like her, so dont worry about it"

and now today he barely is talking to me. gggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

anyways im and stef are google talking LOL :P


ps- who's going trick-or-treating?!


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