Guys @ MindSay

So, that was an awesome week.

One of the highlights was this guy. He's my age, he's been a Christian for two weeks, and he soaks up everything you can give him. He's so, so cool to be around. I've never met anyone like him - he's got this intense fervor about anything to do with pursuing God. You talk to him for a minute, and you're just slammed with the intensity and energy and passion. We understand that when we accept Christ, we're forgiven for everything we've done wrong - Brian just dumped everything out of his life that he knew was having a negative influence on him.

His counselor said once, "This is a guy who's never heard of...of...of DAVID, or Samson, or ANYBODY, and he's leading devotions!" I presume by "anybody" he was referring to Biblical figures - Brian, as far as I can tell, is a pretty smart guy.

It's not an attraction thing - Brian is indeed incredibly cool, but I'm quite happy being with K. It's just that this guy is so real, and wants to know so much, and we're being inspired by someone who's so much 'younger' than we are, spiritually, and has more desire for God than we do. You're just drawn to him, and you want to be able to answer everything he wants to know, and you want to grow with him, even though you're 'older'.

Not that we don't desire God, but that it's the middle of the summer (camp summer is on a different schedule than the rest of the world, so we are just now past the halfway point), and we're tired. We needed someone like Brian to come in, but none of us had any indication that Brian existed before last Saturday.

He's grateful for his freedom, he's overjoyed about the things of God, and he's awesome with other people. He came into the store while I was working and said, "You like hiking, don't you?" "Um, yeah, how'd you know?" "Watching you walk across the field." And from there we went into a discussion about mountain biking (not to give the impression that I have experience mountain biking), and then friends, and it was so cool. Everything about this guy is energy and motion and it's all flowing straight towards God.

It was rather startling how he came to camp in the first place. He's from Stepstone, which is about forty miles away from MY house, which is a good thirty miles away from camp. His dad heard about our festival last Saturday, the two of them came, and they decided before the day was out that this was a place Brian needed to be. The week for his age group started Sunday, they signed up that day. By Tuesday, Brian had declared that he wanted to work here as a counselor next year.

The week's over, and most of us don't have any way to stay in contact with him, but we're praying for him. Pray that his fervor will stay strong, that he'll find the guidance he's looking for, and that we'll meet him again.

I've been trying to figure out next summer. Among a lot of other variables, there's a camp not too far from Mountain Town that I could work at, but I've been kind of wondering if this will be my last summer doing camp work, if I need to be focused on something that pays better.

Meeting Brian, for some reason, nailed that down. Or maybe it was something our leader said during the week, but I know that I'm not done with camps just yet, and I'll be back for Victory again next summer. Maybe not the whole summer, but this is still a part of my life, and it's not yet time for me to declare it finished.

I wanna fcuk. OMFG I wanna fcuk...

I haven't seen my man for more than a month now and I'm horny as fcuk! I'll see him this weekend though... and I dun think we're going to be doin anything, but fcuk all day N fcuk all night... food N sleep in between, but we're going to fcuk! I'll be there for a few days, but I miss him so much and I miss dcik so freakin much! This is starting to sound dirty, I know, but I can't wait!

Now I kinda know why guys get horny or think about sex all the time. Most girls do, too... but guys are so obvious about it. You can literally catch dudes checking you out. Looking at your chest, or your butt, or something! You know they are fcukin looking!

Anyway, so I never see my boyfriend, and from the last entry I posted, things haven't changed. He still hasn't been calling me all that much even though we argue about it all the time, and I think things need to change. I'm seeing him this weekend, and after I fcuk him, the relationship is over. Yeah, it's a bit wrong isn't it? I guess... but if it's not working out, it's not working out! I've told him about my problems, he said he was going to try, he made these promises, and basically, actions are much louder than words. I even warned him that I wasn't gonna look back this time, if I decide to leave, I'm going to leave! Maybe he isn't taking me seriously, but I'm getting tired of it. It gets old, ya know. It's not even like I'm asking for something HUGE, I'm just asking him to call me or text me. I mean, isn't that a given, in a relationship?

He knew I didn't want a relationship, but he kept insisting that things would be different, from the rest of my exes. I had bad relationships. I guess it is my fault, for not building enough will power to cut him off, but he was so sweet and we went through so much together, why not? Even though I "swore" off dudes before I went out with him... he knew about my situation, but he just kept insisting that it'll be different. We've only been together for 4 months? But within those 4 months, and BEFORE we got together, we went through a lot. I gave a lot of me to him, I let my guard down for him, and everything he wanted me to do, I've done for him. Things that I don't do for my exes... like LET GO of me?

Whatever, I'm over it. I can't wait to be single! Yeah, I might be lonely at times, but I already feel like I'm single! I haven't been single for more than a month since sophomore year, of fcukin HS! So I haven't been single for more than 6 years? I just have some what long term relationships... is it sad to say that I use them for sex? Emotions do develop, feelings are there, but most of the time, they are just there for me to fcuk. It's that over slutting myself around and trying to hook up with every guy in the room, when I can just fcuk one guy without even trying. I'm horny, he's there! I like to be physical, with my boyfriend... there has to be a connection, or chemistry, or attraction between us... or it's not gonna happen. I love to touch and feel.. I can't exactly do that with people I'm not attracted to, and I am pretty fcukin picky.

I know, someday, I would be taken, eventually, but as of now, I'm trying to enjoy life and keep my life on track. Maybe fix myself a little bit more instead of chasing dudes...? I just feel like all my relationships have been so fcukin retarded,  and I'm a little tired of guys right now. You can say it's the same with girls, too, but why is it when you meet a person, that person doesn't turn out to be who you thought he/she was? Not right in the head? A tad psycho? Somewhere around that area?

I'm not swearing off dudes totally, cuz I need some lovin, too. But NO MORE RELATIONSHIPS PLEASE! Keep it "classy" and keep the ho on the down low... I knoooooooooo... not all guys are the same, and I shouldn't give them a chance jus cuz of my past.. but I don't think it's even about that. I think it's just me, I want this, and I've been in relationships so long, that I don't know how to be fcukin single! FCUK it, yeah it's a lonely world out there, but it'll feel so fuckin good not to answer anyone, no obligations.. ohhhhh snaaaap! dun hate =p

I'm jus down to fcuk... and NO, I'm not a slut, I'm a man! hah!

=p

Finishing up another crazy week of camp.

Sometimes the weeks are just busy. Sometimes they're insane. Crazy is a happy middle-point between the two. Means you're busy, and a lot of goofy stuff happens, and sometimes that goofy stuff makes things easier in ways you couldn't have predicted.

Sometimes, obviously, the opposite happens, but boy, it's funny later on.

Moms rock. In the staff housing, there are a lot of girls who are right around college age, and one mom. We stay up sometimes and talk about, y'know, girl-stuff. And most of it stays in the cabin. But she made a point the other night that more girls need to hear.

There isn't a guarantee.

Regrettably, there is no way to be sure that your marriage will last. You can give it a lot of strength, you can try to devote everything to God, you can pray about, for, and with your husband - but you can't predict what's going to happen.

One of the moms I know married rather young, and she was raised believing that if she just married a Christian husband, everything would work out fine. She met a smart guy who was earnestly interested in God, had recently graduated from college, and had just landed a job at a very prestigious company. She hadn't realized then that despite how much he cared about her, he didn't really understand relationships. They're still together, but there were some very, very rough storms in that relationship.

Camp-mom was one of the girls who followed the recipe, and her marriage ended a few years ago. There's this idea that we get sold on as Christian girls - protect your purity, and he'll desire you enough that he'll never leave. Pray for him, serve God, date only parent-approved men, both of you keep an accountability partner, and seek an older couple as mentors. And I do think that will significantly help, but the implied phrase is that if you do all of that, God will bless your marriage, so that no matter what other trials you go through in life, the two of you will be strong and love each other, and always have a safe haven in each other.

There's one guarantee. God never tells us that the man we love will never leave us, or that we will always feel the way we do now. He tells us HE will never leave us. I don't know if guys do this, but as girls, we tend to need someone to depend on. Your best friend, your dad, your boyfriend, your sister, there's gotta be someone there for you.

He calls us to honor our commitment, even if we don't feel like it. I had a dream once where I was talking to my betrothed about the wedding vows we were writing. Of course, it's dark and rainy and I can't really see him (don't ask me WHY we'd be writing our wedding vows outside in a thunderstorm - I seem to recall that the house was locked, so we couldn't go inside), but I looked at him very seriously at one point and asked him something along the lines of, "Do you realize that you're saying, even if you don't love me, you'll still stay with me?" And he responded something charming along the lines of, "I'll always love you, that's why I'm marrying you," but that wasn't what I was asking.

I do pray a lot about my future guy. It always seems to start off with, "God, I don't know who he is or where he is..." and it sometimes seems a little arrogant of me to assume that God's plans involve me getting married, but the phrase is, "Pray Boldly," so that's what I'm doing.
So, I don't know who you are or where you are, and this probably isn't what you want to hear, but I promise you now, even if years after we're married, I don't feel as "in love" with you as before, I will never leave you. Every mindsayer and blogger in the world can hold me to that. We'll find a way to work it out, or maybe we'll realize something different about each other, or maybe we'll just both change. But whatever happens, on our wedding day, I make a commitment before you and before God that I will be with you until death parts us. That commitment is not negotiable.

After that week two weeks ago, I was ready to freaking snap on anyone and everyone!  I even called Randy this past week and said your turn to plan date night and it is going to be after Father's Day!

 

We called our instructor at TKD and I gave him the low down on why I have been so stressed and he said no problem, we set up a couple private instruction times for this next week on top of our normal class times just so we can get caught up.  I am okay with that.

 

DeLaney had a play date last week.  Her lil friend's mom and I don't totally agree on a lot of things but we agree not to hold that against the girls.  Randy and I have to sit down every time that DeLaney is with that lil girl and explain some things to her that they do and why we don't.  But I had to have some words with her friend's mom about men and kids and how she will NOT be poisning MY Daughter's head against her dad or any other man because she is having issues with her current hubby and is going through a divorce.  The girls have one major thing in common concerning their dads.  They both work on the road.  And that is where the similarity ends.  Randy is very logical and is a non practicing Lutheran that is slowly starting to go through my various religious and spiritual books and is questioning both my moms and myself on things.  Laney's lil friend's dad is a fluff ball wiccan wonder.  Randy makes a point in calling his kids and myself EVERY NIGHT he is on the road, even if it is for only one night he is gone.  Laney's lil friend's dad doesn't even bother calling his daughter when he is gone and he is gone for 6 months to a year at a time for a job!  Might only come home for the weekend once a month!  When he is home he buys Laney's lil friend off and makes it a competition between him and his soon to be ex wife.  Randy doesn't buy his kids' affection.  He spends time with them even when he is tired!

 

Anyway the reason why I am so ReEnergized, we got invited down to the RiverFront Day's Dance Friday night by some of our friends!  My parents took the kids for the night and over night so Randy and I could go out.  Well Randy and my friend's ol man had to work the next day so they maintained.  My friend and I said screw it!  Her in laws had her kids over night, my parents had our kids over night, other friends that showed up managed to talk their parents into keeping their kids over night and we had a blast!  We left our friend's house about 9:30 pm and went to go get gas.  Where we laughed our assess off!  Some chicy babe at the gas station was already ripped by quarter till 10!  She ended up leaning out of a duel diesel big ass truck to blow chunks in front of the county cop no less!  My girl then got hit on by that same county cop while paying for the gas!:P  We went over to the Bottle Shop and got beer and ice for the cooler and toook a cruse down by the dance to see if anyone was there, NOPE!  So then we headed down to the marina so we could see who was there.

 

We decieded to walk in and have a beer down at the Marina Bar.  Nothing but out of staters, ppl from Omaha and the Bluffs, and ol ppl coming in from the river.  The guys each had one beer.  My girl and I don't like beer and knew that is what we were pretty much stuck drinking Friday night so we guzzled two down at the marina to get that nasty ass taste out of our mouth.  Then we drove back up to the main street and hit the bar!  The bar was jumping!  We didn't get very far from the door it was so packed.  But that is okay we had a grand blast (us girls) talking to everyone coming and going from the bar.  Saw one of our friends' from higschool brothers there!  That was a trip!  He is older then my cousin who is older then my sister!  And here he is trying to hang with the young bucks!  Then we turned around to help out a friend of my friend who was being hit on by some drunk young buck straight out of highschool and saw "The Smurf and Torpedo Tits" from highschool!  Two girls that are 4 years older then us and thought their shit didn't stink.  Smurf is married to a guy from my brother's class who stands 6'3 and that bitch only stands 5'2!  Talk about your odd couples!  They weren't to happy seeing us there laughing at them!  Especially knowing the fact we know they are two elementry school teachers and ten to one some of their school kids' parents were at the bar drinking up also!  They stopped to talk to us because they knew we know more ppl than they did down there and Smurf's hubby was drunk off his ass really trying to talk to me about my brother!  Our hubby's were just sitting at the bar trying not to go to sleep on us and chatting with various guys they knew or worked with off and on.  I got Randy to do a Jager Bomb with me.  We decieded it was time to hit the dance and the beer garden when one of our other friends FINALLY showed up!

 

So we get to the dance, and of course it is one of the local bands that ruines every fucking song they attempt to sing or play, so we went on out to the beer garden where we promptly ran back into our friend's brother.  Laughed our asses off at our friends' ex sister in law who was getting rubbed up on by ol men and nasty looking men showing off her fake titties that she got in an attempt to keep his brother from divorcing her!  Nobody would do a shot with me so I talked my friend's brother into doing one.  Then I had some dude buy me another shot thinking I would go down with back to back shots with all that beer in me already, suprise.  That fucker took two steps from the beer garden and went down hard!  I laughed and went back to our group.  My girls were laughign and said when are ppl going to realize that when you drink you drink!  Randy was suprised at hell because he was trying to keep track of how much I was haivng because he has NEVER seen me drunk until Friday night! 

 

All we did was talk, a couple of dances with our men, go to the bathroom,a nd drink!  It was a blast!  We walked out of the dance about 1 and straight into a line of county cops and town cops waiting for the drunks to stagger out.  We lost my girl back in the dance cause she got to talking!  Her ol man went back into get her and Randy and I sat outside and talked to the cops!  I promptly took my shoes, my earings, and my necklace off.  Oh by the way you should have seen me!  I was looking HOT!  I had short black figure hugging capries on, a pair of heeled black slip on sandles, a brand new yellow, orange, and balck halter type top that showed off the tat tats (which I promptly made sure to say loud enough to my girls ex sister in law were REAL and NOT fake when my girl said loud enough boy you sure have big tat tats to be holding that top up!-were bad and catty I know!)  and I bought matching yellow big hooped earings and a black and yellow necklace to go with the outfit!  We finally got going back to our friends' house when he found his wife and he chitted up the cops a lil bit.  Thank GODS that the men were stone sober and just maintained their drinking while us girls got ripped! 

 

We took back country roads home and that is where I fully admit to saying I lost my cookies!  Mixing all thsoe shots with beer and then hitting back country roads so the guys could have a couple of beers on the way home.  Up and down, curves up and down on bluff roads with two very drunk ppl in the car is not a mix to make!  My girl was laughing her ass off at me and laughed even harder when I mangaded to say  "Hell at least I am not blowing chunks! It is straight up booze and beer!"  They guys were laughing just as hard because Randy still can't believe I was that drunk and I was still very coherant to remember everything!  Well I got the last laugh Saturday at 8 am when my girl woke me up!  She admitted to loosing her cookies after she went to bed at 2!  I was flopped down on my bed at 1:30!

 

We felt bad and fully admit we own our men big time!  They worked 12 hours Friday, came home and took us out to the dance and turned around and got up at 5am after going to bed at 2 am!  My girl had to pick up her youngest at her inlaws by 9:30 and I had to go pick up my kids sometime in the morning from my parents.  Well we did that and low and behold my parents took off with my kids!  So we went to my house with her lil girl and while I was picking up they sat back and relaxed!  I called my folks to find out when they were going to be home and after they got home, we grabbed my kids and headed back down to River Front Days!

 

We watched the parade and laughed our assess off at her brother in law's ex wife (the one with the fake tat tats!) because she thinks she is soooooooo cute and she cant' even wear decent clothes and her ass crack was showing all day.  Me and my girl are big girls but we have some class and know how to show our curves off properally!  And again we did.  We kept getting hit on all day long!  plus ppl were trying to steal my cowboy hat!  Yes I was wearing a cowboy hat!  A black straw one with a skull and cross bones on it!  Our four kids know how to work parades, they all had huge bags of candy which we promptly put away after the parade in the van.  Then we bought all 4 of them wrist bands to hit the street carnavale and let the 3 oldest go off by themselves while my girl took her lil girl around and I hit the store for bottles of water and motrin to work off our booze headaches! 

 

It was great.  Once I talked to a few ppl making my way back to my girla nd her lil girl, we found out the bar we were at last night was giving free BBQ Beef Sandwiches away from one of my girl's aunties.  So we went in and loaded up for us and the kdis.  Then her hubby showed up and let me know my ol man was home napping!:D  We loaded her man up on a plate and made our way back through the carnaval!  My kids and I finally made it home about 3:30, where Randy was sleeping on the couch!  I set the kids up outside in their lil pool and the phone.  Told them if they needed anything to come up to my room and wake me up and I promptly laid down on the bed for a tw hour nap!

 

Amazing what a weekend out will do for a person!  Today after my Moms gets back with the rug rats from Mass, the kids and I are treating Pappo and Daddy out to a nice Brunch for Daddy's day. 

 

Hope all the Dad's have a great Daddy's Day!  Same with the single Mom's out there!  Have a great Daddy's Day if you are also Daddy!:D