Group Hug Time @ MindSay 
I had a CIP meeting tonight. CIP is the Critical Inquiry Project, a group designed to help teach social-justice education. This group is comprised of a favorite professor of mine, Bree, and 5 other people who I graduated NYU with: Dan, Emily M (As I am Emily E in all conversations since we're both there), Val, Veronica, and Symone. The first 4 I mentioned are first year teachers: Dan and Em have 5th graders, Veronica is a K teacher in a Catholic school, and Val is sort of teaching a mix of pre-k and k at another Catholic school. Symone had a semester at NYU to finish up but is now a pretty full-time sub at the pre-k center SHE went to all those years ago. I am the only one who is not teaching; I am in a classroom (well, THREE classrooms/FOUR classrooms at THREE schools technically if I count my fun week with Seth's class) 5 days a week, but I am there as an observer, a student teacher, and a tutor.
CIP has been everything. We hear how the classroom teachers (5) implement these amazing complex units (Val teaching her kids about poverty, Dan and his fair-trade chocolate, Veronica teaching her kids about gender) that aren't part of a typical curriculum, we plan how we can go next, we share resources, we learn from Bree who is infinitely wise and helpful and straightforward, and we support each other through tough times. First year teaching is notorious for breaking people down, and I hate knowing that my friends are going through things like this, but they all agree going to CIP is helpful not just because it helps plan the SJE (social justice education) stuff or make them stick to it, but it's a gathering of 6 other people we respect and trust and know care about our well being. Many times 'check-in' becomes a bitch-fest, a spot to talk about what's wrong, a chance for all of us to offer a hug, a tissue, or a suggestion. Sometimes it's just the only place we feel safe admitting certain things, and don't need anything more than the chance to say whatever it is we're thinking.
Tonight, Bree gave us an article about the stages first year teachers go through, and she asked us to read it, see if it was true, and how the group affected (effected? will I EVER learn when to use which?) these figures. Well, everything about this article rang true for me, even though I am not a first year teacher (see above). The anxiety, both good and bad, the fears, the doubts in my ability, the impending pressure, the hard moments, the changes in or deviations from the plan...these are all things that make my heart freeze up. I am a worrier. I do fret about things that aren't a big deal (like the time I let it slip to David that GPI had left? I didn't sleep that weekend, and it was never addressed ONCE), but they are real fears of mine. This has been a dream of mine for so long, but you can dream all you want, it doesn't mean it will come TRUE. I don'yt want to just be in a classroom. I'm idealistic; I want to make a difference. I want my kids to actually get things...more than just math or how to write an essay. That's what CIP is. But then I get so frazzled because I know I'm a pushover and if an administrator questions me and my planning, I AM going to take it to heart, I am going to redo everything, I am going to comply, and I'm not going to embody what the group is...and if I don't teach SJE my first year, will I the second? Will I ever?
All of this pressure, the whole being sick thing, the fact that Relay is SATURDAY, the fact that I don't have a job lined up, the fact that I have huge final projects looming (one is due MONDAY AFTER RELAY) that I have no idea where I'm going with, the fact that CIP's trip to Chicago I won't be at 2 meetings leading up to it and also as a non-teacher contribute so little to it as it is... I just started crying.
This is not new. I am a cryer. I have been a cryer my whole life; NEVER for attention like 'oh if I cry, someone will look at me', or to get out of trouble. It's just what happens. There is something in my body where things, happy, sad, depressing, stressful, hilarious, sentimental.... I feel them stronger than other people, or different, or whatever it is, but I start welling up. And I was trying to not make it obvious (this was just eye-leakage and a little need to wipe my nose, no noise) because I didn't want to focus on that, but Bree kept asking if I was okay and I nodded. But we finally shifted the attention to it, and I cried more, and let the group know my fear; that I'm going to cave to the administration and do my kids a huge disservice in the process, as well as let my groupmates down.
And they were amazing. I knew they would be. To start, if they weren't in my top 5 people when we graduated (the way I hung out with Val all the time, or had my strange but perfect relationship with Dan), I have grown closer to the people in this group than other people a year ago who I don't get to see now. They pointed out that things I was feeling, thinking...they're universal. And Dan had things to say about me carrying him through undergrad, and my scheduling, and Val mentioned my classroom plans which Em said was a good thing to have planned already, and Bree mentioned that when she went to Dan's class the day after I was there, the kids were like 'oh, you're not Emily'...and while I don't think that's all going to prove I'm going to be good at this (what it proves is I focus on details too much and that kids LIKE me, a fact I've known since I was 5), but hearing that these very capable, very honest people believe in me...it means a lot. It really does. Even if they were just being nice and trying to calm me down (they've all dealt with crying Emily of various stages/reasons), they did it. They were the best support group anyone could ever ask for. And that's probably why CIP is so critical for us; not just instruction (which I will need a LOT of next year), but people like Val to tease me, Bree to somehow make what I was warbling an intelligent, justifiable thing, Dan to give me a hug and threaten that if I cry again he'll kill me, and someone to squeeze my hand and let me know I'll be okay.
So I'll be okay.
http://www.filecabi.net/video/Alan_Watts.html
possibly the most insightful way to look at life.
Things seem to be getting alot better with me and mum, we actually talk and stuff without yelling and whatnot. Uni seems to be getting a bit more hectic with assignments left right and centre.
As for youth group, our group has set ourselves goals that we're able to reach which is a good sign, its almost a few months from now that we'll have our birthday/anniversary type celebration which means we have to start getting our acts together and work hard though my commitment is starting to lack a bit.
Not to mention being the listener to some peoples problems, when is it the right time to say no "i need my space and vent time too"?
I guess what I miss the most of social interaction between me and others. I haven't seen my friends outside of gdpt in a while. And for the people I do see most of the time they're complaining about something and i'm sitting there listerning. The fact that I feel so alone sometimes bothers me alot and on top of that only talking to me when they really need something makes it worse. I feel a bit scared that my social skills have withered away and I don't know where/how to gain them back again.
Maybe I just need someone to give me a good kick in the ass and tell me that lifes not going to wait for you to stop moping. I don't even think what i'm going through is considered moping. Maybe i've just forgotten what it's like to open up and be my true self.
high jack tony.
they told me i'd get my braces off the LAST time i went there. i was supposed to get them off like 4 weeks ago.
but guess what?
I DIDN'T GET THEM OFF.
but the last time i was there, they're all like, "oh yeah not this time but the next time on the 7th. you definetely will get your braces off on June 7th."
but guess what?
I DIDN'T GET THEM OFF.
and guess what?
I'M WEARING ANOTHER GROUP OF STUPID BANDS THAT I'VE ALREADY WORN BEFORE.
fucking ass. i hate them. i'm serious.
OMG, bettie just reminded me of something through one of her posts:
There was a group of people on the corner near Bally's with signs that said "FREE HUGS!!" They were calling out to all the passersby, and I thought it was hilarious (yes, I was kinda drunk, but that's besides the point--shhhhhhhh).
I walked over and stood in the middle of all these people who just stared at me like I was going to do something bad. At the time I had on black boots, camoflauge pants, a black hoodie, and a camo-skully (I forgot I was dressed like a thug...no matter how divaliciously delicious I felt). After about what seemed like for ever, I said, "Damn y'all. Thugs needs hugs, too!" They laughed histerically and all gave me a group hug.
How could I have forgotten that? LOL
( You: "Cause you were drunk!" Me: "Shut up!")
So 
Every year, it hits me hard. Equally as hard as it did the year before and sometimes more so, but the fact is that the years I did experience with her will always be in my heart. I can still smell the smell I used to do when I walked into her house, I still remember the fabric of her couch when I used to sit on it and I still remember the way she hugged me.
Of course, it's upsetting as it is every year. Thing is, they say time is a good healer. I tend to disagree because sometimes, time can't heal shit. That's just the way it is. Time goes by as it always does and time is responsible for nothing.
I'm not bitter about the fact that such an amazing woman passed through my life so quickly. I'm just sad that I didn't get the chance to hug her again, or get her a glass or wine again or sit and play cards with her. I'm sad that now I know what love is, I can't tell her that I love her or miss her.
This time of year is never the best time for me. It's pretty bloody crap actually! Another year older and missing someone so much it hurts, even though you never really knew them, but you loved them anyway, despite all their faults they may have.
I'd like to thank Laine for making today pass better than it has in the past 20 odd years and baby, I want to tell you I love you, from the bottom of my heart, to the top and all the dribbles of love that have made a puddle underneath because my heart is overflowing.
I love you Laine. I'm sorry I'm so difficult this time of year and thank you, thank you for being so supportive.
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