Grieving @ MindSay 
love
It's safe to come out now, everybody; he's gone...
I cruise MindSay and everybody's talking about Michael's This Is It movie. :) I saw it right after it came out and I don't know why I never thought to talk about it here... I don't like talking a whole lot about Michael at all these days because . . . He's just too special to me. Diego quoted Michael from the movie yesterday and at first I laughed then that faded to a hurting smile, then I started crying...
I may have mentioned in my previous, recent post about him that his death has been really hard on me because it's brought him back into the news and everyone's daily conversations as the mega-star he was.
I wasn't alive during the height of that mega-stardom, and for a while there I was much too young. Being a fan of Michael has been during this later period, the relationship I've developed with his music and image and dare I say, him, has felt close and personal, never *out there* in the rest of the world, because he hasn't been out there, at least like he has been in the past. Michael Jackson posters and T-shirts and jackets and whatever else for sale? I wasn't around for any of that. He was just part of my own little private world, because I actively brought him there. If I wanted Michael Jackson stuff, I had to go searching for it - I didn't just run to the store and grab a T-shirt or pin or anything. I had to collect.
I feel like he's been pulled from me and splattered everywhere. He's always been a mega-star, I know. We don't love him for no reason - there's a reason he's so big. I'm not angry about his stardom. I guess I just have some resentment towards the general population for how they acted towards him during the later years of his life, how everyone made excuses for why they liked him - there always had to be some exception or something, "Oh yeah, I just really liked him back in his Thriller/Billy Jean days" was the most popular statement. That's cool, that's great...
Eh. I guess I don't really know why I feel like this. Angry. Resentful. Maybe part of me wants to place blame some place - on everyone that read the bullshit news papers and believed it for a second. Maybe part of me feels angry that he's not just mine anymore. Me, the bleeding heart, die-hard fan who knows all his children's birthdays, knows the address to Neverland Ranch by heart, knows every word he says and breath he takes in every song he's ever sang, who proudly and loudly stated my support for him every day at school during the second trial he went through even though I was criticized and questioned and badgered, I feel pushed aside now and lost in this sea of people now coming forward with their love for him. I don't doubt they have love for him. I don't doubt that they like and enjoy him. I just feel like another face in the crowd, though, and I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt and make me feel sad.
I used to feel so proud and enthusiastic when I'd decide it was a good day to wear some of my MJJ gear for the day - a T-shirt or prized pin or something. But now I kind of feel like if I wear that I appear to be anyone else that buys all the crap being sold with his face on it right now. And I don't think I am. That sounds so snobby, I know... This is so snobby of me, isn't it? heh.. Oh well.
This isn't going to go away completely, so I guess I will get used to it. It may die-down, but it will never go completely away, because he will live on forever like all legends do.
But now once again he's everywhere. T-shirts, on the news people saying how great he was... a movie. We all love Michael again, right? It's safe to come out now, everybody; he's gone...
I heard someone mention that people seem to feel safer saying that they like him now that he's dead, saying that he's this great person, they feel safer bringing back to mind the Michael everybody loved at the height of his career, or during his days with his brothers, and with that back in everybody's minds now because of the media, they feel okay just saying, "I've loved Michael", or "Michael was great" without any buts or back whens. Michael was great. Yes, he was.
People feel safer now taking a second to reflect and admit that Michael was great, in so many ways, in every way. He was superior. General people are saying that now. They are seeing it now, especially with this movie. I know a lot of people, not just die-hard fans, are going to see the movie. A few times while watching it I thought, looking over the dark tops of heads in front of me, "Do you see now? Do you see? Now you can see why we love him, can you? That's the Michael that me and every other fan have always known, have always loved, have always seen. This Michael has always been, always... You just didn't see, you wouldn't see, some wouldn't even look... But now that you see, don't you love him too? Couldn't you have loved him too while he was here? Why did we abuse this angel?" Because he looks different? Because he's eccentric? Augh.
I remember before he died, sometimes I'd wonder where all those crazy fans we see in videos are at now. Where did they all go? And why?
The movie was touching, indeed. I laughed. I cried. I smiled, I smiled so so much... I cried mostly on the way out. We stayed until the very, very end. Until the lights came on. There was a very special treat at the end of the credits and all of that other stuff for the people who stayed and waited. When that sweet treat was done, and the lights came on, and we started walking down the stairs of the theater, I really started crying.
So Michael is dead now. He is gone from this world. It was so strange the first few minutes, watching him on that screen, and sometimes it creeped up again as the movie went on. It was creepy at first, seeing him doing what he always did best, in this behind-the-curtain way, seeing that was creepy at first I almost wanted to excuse myself out of respect for his privacy.
And I think that's also why I hate so much of this stuff. So much of his privacy was invaded while he was alive, and so much of it more since he's died. It makes me sad, but I know that as a fan, even though I would have loved to see him have it easier in many ways, as a fan I contributed to that so I can't be too angry. But sometimes it's taken too far. Not sometimes - a lot of times. He said he felt humiliated and raped due to some of the things that happened. He would never return to Neverland, he said. I don't blame him. I hurt for him.
Now that I thoroughly look like a raging maniac to some... I guess I'll go.
This Is It was spectacular. The show would have been out of this world. Michael does it like nobody else, always. Always doing his best, he outdoes everyone else out there, and strives to even outdo himself. We can see through this movie that he did. He did outdo himself. He always accepted no boundaries and no boarders. People criticized him for his lavish lifestyle, but it's that same passion that drove that lifestyle that also drove a lot of what made him so successful and wonderful. To be the best, to not accept mediocrity, to have things just-so. He knew what he wanted. He knew where to knuckle down and make things perfect, and where to let slack hang. He played well with others and gave lots of love. Lots of love. That's what I see when I look at Michael - love. And I think, in large part, that's what he wanted us to see all along. Not as a mask or face he put on, but because that's what he tried to spread along the way through his life, we just needed to see it to accept it. Well he was successful there, too. And it shows how thoughtful he was of his fans. When he would say, "And to my fans... I love you. I love you all very much.." I could feel that. You could see it.
We love you more, Michael. I kiss you!
I cruise MindSay and everybody's talking about Michael's This Is It movie. :) I saw it right after it came out and I don't know why I never thought to talk about it here... I don't like talking a whole lot about Michael at all these days because . . . He's just too special to me. Diego quoted Michael from the movie yesterday and at first I laughed then that faded to a hurting smile, then I started crying... I may have mentioned in my previous, recent post about him that his death has been really hard on me because it's brought him back into the news and everyone's daily conversations as the mega-star he was.
I wasn't alive during the height of that mega-stardom, and for a while there I was much too young. Being a fan of Michael has been during this later period, the relationship I've developed with his music and image and dare I say, him, has felt close and personal, never *out there* in the rest of the world, because he hasn't been out there, at least like he has been in the past. Michael Jackson posters and T-shirts and jackets and whatever else for sale? I wasn't around for any of that. He was just part of my own little private world, because I actively brought him there. If I wanted Michael Jackson stuff, I had to go searching for it - I didn't just run to the store and grab a T-shirt or pin or anything. I had to collect.
I feel like he's been pulled from me and splattered everywhere. He's always been a mega-star, I know. We don't love him for no reason - there's a reason he's so big. I'm not angry about his stardom. I guess I just have some resentment towards the general population for how they acted towards him during the later years of his life, how everyone made excuses for why they liked him - there always had to be some exception or something, "Oh yeah, I just really liked him back in his Thriller/Billy Jean days" was the most popular statement. That's cool, that's great...
Eh. I guess I don't really know why I feel like this. Angry. Resentful. Maybe part of me wants to place blame some place - on everyone that read the bullshit news papers and believed it for a second. Maybe part of me feels angry that he's not just mine anymore. Me, the bleeding heart, die-hard fan who knows all his children's birthdays, knows the address to Neverland Ranch by heart, knows every word he says and breath he takes in every song he's ever sang, who proudly and loudly stated my support for him every day at school during the second trial he went through even though I was criticized and questioned and badgered, I feel pushed aside now and lost in this sea of people now coming forward with their love for him. I don't doubt they have love for him. I don't doubt that they like and enjoy him. I just feel like another face in the crowd, though, and I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt and make me feel sad.
I used to feel so proud and enthusiastic when I'd decide it was a good day to wear some of my MJJ gear for the day - a T-shirt or prized pin or something. But now I kind of feel like if I wear that I appear to be anyone else that buys all the crap being sold with his face on it right now. And I don't think I am. That sounds so snobby, I know... This is so snobby of me, isn't it? heh.. Oh well.
This isn't going to go away completely, so I guess I will get used to it. It may die-down, but it will never go completely away, because he will live on forever like all legends do.
But now once again he's everywhere. T-shirts, on the news people saying how great he was... a movie. We all love Michael again, right? It's safe to come out now, everybody; he's gone...
I heard someone mention that people seem to feel safer saying that they like him now that he's dead, saying that he's this great person, they feel safer bringing back to mind the Michael everybody loved at the height of his career, or during his days with his brothers, and with that back in everybody's minds now because of the media, they feel okay just saying, "I've loved Michael", or "Michael was great" without any buts or back whens. Michael was great. Yes, he was.
People feel safer now taking a second to reflect and admit that Michael was great, in so many ways, in every way. He was superior. General people are saying that now. They are seeing it now, especially with this movie. I know a lot of people, not just die-hard fans, are going to see the movie. A few times while watching it I thought, looking over the dark tops of heads in front of me, "Do you see now? Do you see? Now you can see why we love him, can you? That's the Michael that me and every other fan have always known, have always loved, have always seen. This Michael has always been, always... You just didn't see, you wouldn't see, some wouldn't even look... But now that you see, don't you love him too? Couldn't you have loved him too while he was here? Why did we abuse this angel?" Because he looks different? Because he's eccentric? Augh.
I remember before he died, sometimes I'd wonder where all those crazy fans we see in videos are at now. Where did they all go? And why?
The movie was touching, indeed. I laughed. I cried. I smiled, I smiled so so much... I cried mostly on the way out. We stayed until the very, very end. Until the lights came on. There was a very special treat at the end of the credits and all of that other stuff for the people who stayed and waited. When that sweet treat was done, and the lights came on, and we started walking down the stairs of the theater, I really started crying.
So Michael is dead now. He is gone from this world. It was so strange the first few minutes, watching him on that screen, and sometimes it creeped up again as the movie went on. It was creepy at first, seeing him doing what he always did best, in this behind-the-curtain way, seeing that was creepy at first I almost wanted to excuse myself out of respect for his privacy.
And I think that's also why I hate so much of this stuff. So much of his privacy was invaded while he was alive, and so much of it more since he's died. It makes me sad, but I know that as a fan, even though I would have loved to see him have it easier in many ways, as a fan I contributed to that so I can't be too angry. But sometimes it's taken too far. Not sometimes - a lot of times. He said he felt humiliated and raped due to some of the things that happened. He would never return to Neverland, he said. I don't blame him. I hurt for him.
Now that I thoroughly look like a raging maniac to some... I guess I'll go.
This Is It was spectacular. The show would have been out of this world. Michael does it like nobody else, always. Always doing his best, he outdoes everyone else out there, and strives to even outdo himself. We can see through this movie that he did. He did outdo himself. He always accepted no boundaries and no boarders. People criticized him for his lavish lifestyle, but it's that same passion that drove that lifestyle that also drove a lot of what made him so successful and wonderful. To be the best, to not accept mediocrity, to have things just-so. He knew what he wanted. He knew where to knuckle down and make things perfect, and where to let slack hang. He played well with others and gave lots of love. Lots of love. That's what I see when I look at Michael - love. And I think, in large part, that's what he wanted us to see all along. Not as a mask or face he put on, but because that's what he tried to spread along the way through his life, we just needed to see it to accept it. Well he was successful there, too. And it shows how thoughtful he was of his fans. When he would say, "And to my fans... I love you. I love you all very much.." I could feel that. You could see it.
We love you more, Michael. I kiss you!
Grieving
I'm reluctant to post this because I know I am outside the comfort zone of knowing I am communicating to those who know and understand. I've talked about this with almost no one. I'm not ashamed. I was once embarrassed to say some of the things I might say, even though I was always a very vocal, obvious supporter... There were some things I would still deny, to avoid being chastised and made to feel like a freak. But I'm going to worry about that anymore. There is nothing freakish about it. This is just how it is, and it's beautiful.
I'm not yet at the point where I feel ready to talk about Michael and my feelings about him, my experience of him, me being a fan, those things... But I feel compelled right now to post briefly about how I'm dealing with the loss of him from this world.
I've never grieved before. At least not for a person. I think I went through a period of grieving when I cut off my dreadlocks, but that was slightly different, because it was ... well, my hair. heh.
This is slow. This is slowing sinking. I've not allowed myself to feel much for the past week or so.
The day of his death, and the day after, I really believe I dissociated. I realized it when I was walking up the sidewalk and I couldn't connect with my own self or anything around me. I felt panic when I realized this, because it's an old feeling that I haven't had for a while, and it's always scary... but it didn't take long for me to realize why I was dissociating and just to slip into accepting it and moving on with that disconnect still there. I didn't care. There was still a pain there inside me and that's what was truly a(e?)ffecting me.
What are those Stages of Grieving? My mom was talking about them sometime last month...
I will never forget the moment that I saw those three words in the results of our search that day. "Michael Jackson Dies". TMZ was the first to report it. I didn't believe it. Nothing happened to me. There was hardly a reaction besides me putting my hand over my mouth. I didn't want to react. This was a tabloid type source and I could end up looking foolish if it was a lie. Best to keep calm until things are for-sure. All I knew for sure was that he was at the hospital after cardiac arrest. We would wait for more trust-worthy sources to confirm this. I would wait and wait before I would allow myself to accept this.
We didn't get total confirmation until that night. At least, I didn't. Even as more and more news sources began reporting this reality, I kept thinking that they were wrong and that eventually they would have to take back their statements. I was not going to be suckered into getting emotional about some sensational lie. Even that night when we went to my sister's house to watch the news to see exactly what was going on, and the news was saying it all over, and I saw on the screen the first time: 1958-2009, I couldn't believe it. I would not allow myself to believe it. Believing these reports was to admit he was gone. I didn't want to admit that. I don't know when I finally did, but at some point I moved away from denial...
I started thinking about how in the past few years I've become less passionate about him. At least at the surface. You could, at any moment in time, show me a clip of a performance or play a song or display a picture, or anything, and it would all immediately surface - the fan in me. If it was a performance, I probably had to use much of my will to contain myself. That was always there. But I stopped listening to my full collection of his albums every single day, I stopped ... obsessing. I guess it's wrong to say that my passion was gone. Rather, I had moved beyond obsessing every day like I had for years.
Anyway, I started - and I know now that this is crazy - but I started believing that the fact that my everyday passionate obsessive love for him had subsided, that had somehow caused him to die. That me not sending that love to him out into the universe every day somehow deprived him of love and knowing that he was loved and still adored by his true fans, and without that, he died. I became angry at myself for this and was beating myself up for not staying closer to his legacy in recent years.
I moved past this after a couple days.
I'm not exactly sure what bargaining is... judging simply by the word itself, I don't think I hit that stage. I don't think my constant urge in the first few days to just turn around and reach out and embrace him would be considered bargaining.... yeah, I experienced that, though. Maybe I did, for a few hours. I do remember thinking over and over, if he just comes back, and sees all of this love for him... I will never let that love subside into the back of my life again. I will make sure he is constantly aware of it, that that loving energy flows from me to him each day.
Depression... I'm there now. There is just this constant sadness in my heart. This slow, silent, heaviness there in my chest. Thoughts flash through my mind and feelings surge up and suddenly I want to cry, out of nowhere. Other times I feel totally disconnected. Other times I feel rational and like maybe I'm moving into acceptance. But that heavy sadness is still there. It lingers like a heavy fog.
Michael meant a lot to me. I don't think I'm going to try to talk about it here. I don't need to make anyone else understand. My love for him is mine. I've been a fan of his since I was about 6 years old and saw this performance they showed of the Jackson 5 of some show I was watching. Why they were playing it so many years later, I don't know... but I'm so thankful for that. I remember that moment like it was yesterday.
They announced they'd be showing a musical performance after the commercial and there was a brief clip. I stuck around to see it. I was amazed. I couldn't take my eyes off of Michael. He was singing Rockin' Robin. He astounded me, even when I was that young, and he was that young. I never forgot him, I never forgot that performance. I would think about it frequently in the following years. I didn't know they were this huge sensation at one point. At the time, he was just an astounding performer that I was lucky to catch on TV one day. I became a die-hard fan when I got a few years older and really discovered who he was.
After talking with other fans lately, since Michael's death, I realize, we all realize, that there is something we share, an understanding and certain love we have for Michael, that is only understood amongst us. If you don't have it, you can't know it. It's not capable of being put into words.
I'll just say this simple statement: He was always, always gorgeous to me on so many levels. Sure, he was a great dancer, absolutely amazing singer, wonderful songwriter, and the stage was created just for the coming of this man... But he was also a great humanitarian, a loving, innocent, caring soul who was constantly striving to be the best he could be. And he was the best. He was not only the best he could be, he was the best anyone could be, all over the world. But he needed to be even better than that. A perfectionist, sometimes to a fault. We all have our faults. Michael wasn't a saint. His death has, in a lot of ways, grounded me as a fan. His human-ness is more obvious to me. But he will always amaze me with his beautiful spirit (oh, that laugh...) and excite me with his talent. His beautiful, inspiring eyes and smile are forever etched in a frame in my mind and in my heart. And yes, every day, through all his life, I thought he was sexy as hell. I'd kiss those lips every day if I had the chance, with love.
<3
I'm not yet at the point where I feel ready to talk about Michael and my feelings about him, my experience of him, me being a fan, those things... But I feel compelled right now to post briefly about how I'm dealing with the loss of him from this world.
I've never grieved before. At least not for a person. I think I went through a period of grieving when I cut off my dreadlocks, but that was slightly different, because it was ... well, my hair. heh.
This is slow. This is slowing sinking. I've not allowed myself to feel much for the past week or so.
The day of his death, and the day after, I really believe I dissociated. I realized it when I was walking up the sidewalk and I couldn't connect with my own self or anything around me. I felt panic when I realized this, because it's an old feeling that I haven't had for a while, and it's always scary... but it didn't take long for me to realize why I was dissociating and just to slip into accepting it and moving on with that disconnect still there. I didn't care. There was still a pain there inside me and that's what was truly a(e?)ffecting me.
What are those Stages of Grieving? My mom was talking about them sometime last month...
1) Denial, IsolationI can truly see where I've gone through several of these stages. I'm not an expert on these stages so I don't know about if they are supposed to go in order and all that.... I don't really care. I'm just noting how I see that I've gone through them.
2) Anger
3) Bargaining
4) Depression
5) Acceptance
I will never forget the moment that I saw those three words in the results of our search that day. "Michael Jackson Dies". TMZ was the first to report it. I didn't believe it. Nothing happened to me. There was hardly a reaction besides me putting my hand over my mouth. I didn't want to react. This was a tabloid type source and I could end up looking foolish if it was a lie. Best to keep calm until things are for-sure. All I knew for sure was that he was at the hospital after cardiac arrest. We would wait for more trust-worthy sources to confirm this. I would wait and wait before I would allow myself to accept this.
We didn't get total confirmation until that night. At least, I didn't. Even as more and more news sources began reporting this reality, I kept thinking that they were wrong and that eventually they would have to take back their statements. I was not going to be suckered into getting emotional about some sensational lie. Even that night when we went to my sister's house to watch the news to see exactly what was going on, and the news was saying it all over, and I saw on the screen the first time: 1958-2009, I couldn't believe it. I would not allow myself to believe it. Believing these reports was to admit he was gone. I didn't want to admit that. I don't know when I finally did, but at some point I moved away from denial...
I started thinking about how in the past few years I've become less passionate about him. At least at the surface. You could, at any moment in time, show me a clip of a performance or play a song or display a picture, or anything, and it would all immediately surface - the fan in me. If it was a performance, I probably had to use much of my will to contain myself. That was always there. But I stopped listening to my full collection of his albums every single day, I stopped ... obsessing. I guess it's wrong to say that my passion was gone. Rather, I had moved beyond obsessing every day like I had for years.
Anyway, I started - and I know now that this is crazy - but I started believing that the fact that my everyday passionate obsessive love for him had subsided, that had somehow caused him to die. That me not sending that love to him out into the universe every day somehow deprived him of love and knowing that he was loved and still adored by his true fans, and without that, he died. I became angry at myself for this and was beating myself up for not staying closer to his legacy in recent years.
I moved past this after a couple days.
I'm not exactly sure what bargaining is... judging simply by the word itself, I don't think I hit that stage. I don't think my constant urge in the first few days to just turn around and reach out and embrace him would be considered bargaining.... yeah, I experienced that, though. Maybe I did, for a few hours. I do remember thinking over and over, if he just comes back, and sees all of this love for him... I will never let that love subside into the back of my life again. I will make sure he is constantly aware of it, that that loving energy flows from me to him each day.
Depression... I'm there now. There is just this constant sadness in my heart. This slow, silent, heaviness there in my chest. Thoughts flash through my mind and feelings surge up and suddenly I want to cry, out of nowhere. Other times I feel totally disconnected. Other times I feel rational and like maybe I'm moving into acceptance. But that heavy sadness is still there. It lingers like a heavy fog.
Michael meant a lot to me. I don't think I'm going to try to talk about it here. I don't need to make anyone else understand. My love for him is mine. I've been a fan of his since I was about 6 years old and saw this performance they showed of the Jackson 5 of some show I was watching. Why they were playing it so many years later, I don't know... but I'm so thankful for that. I remember that moment like it was yesterday.
They announced they'd be showing a musical performance after the commercial and there was a brief clip. I stuck around to see it. I was amazed. I couldn't take my eyes off of Michael. He was singing Rockin' Robin. He astounded me, even when I was that young, and he was that young. I never forgot him, I never forgot that performance. I would think about it frequently in the following years. I didn't know they were this huge sensation at one point. At the time, he was just an astounding performer that I was lucky to catch on TV one day. I became a die-hard fan when I got a few years older and really discovered who he was.
After talking with other fans lately, since Michael's death, I realize, we all realize, that there is something we share, an understanding and certain love we have for Michael, that is only understood amongst us. If you don't have it, you can't know it. It's not capable of being put into words.
I'll just say this simple statement: He was always, always gorgeous to me on so many levels. Sure, he was a great dancer, absolutely amazing singer, wonderful songwriter, and the stage was created just for the coming of this man... But he was also a great humanitarian, a loving, innocent, caring soul who was constantly striving to be the best he could be. And he was the best. He was not only the best he could be, he was the best anyone could be, all over the world. But he needed to be even better than that. A perfectionist, sometimes to a fault. We all have our faults. Michael wasn't a saint. His death has, in a lot of ways, grounded me as a fan. His human-ness is more obvious to me. But he will always amaze me with his beautiful spirit (oh, that laugh...) and excite me with his talent. His beautiful, inspiring eyes and smile are forever etched in a frame in my mind and in my heart. And yes, every day, through all his life, I thought he was sexy as hell. I'd kiss those lips every day if I had the chance, with love.
<3
Feeling Like I'm Dancing on the Edge
I saw my therapist today and told her how my heart has started just pounding at night when it's time for bed. I take my Lunesta and compose myself to rest and feel my heart pounding away. I thought it was from a soda or chocolate or something, but she immediately sensed anxiety to be the cause. She made me realize and be able to vocalize how I am afraid to deal with this anniversary of my mom's passing. She said people with a history of depression tend to be afraid to grieve or feel sadness for fear of falling down into depression. That's how I feel! Like I'm dancing on the edge of a pit that has no end. I pace back and forth between knowing the anniversary is coming and that things will be weird, with the fact that I feel better mentally. I am afraid of descending back into the sadness of last year, my mom's fear in her eyes when she would look at me in the ER, reliving my idiot father's last betrayal, knowing she's in a box in the ground. It's been emotionally exhausting and I came home and slept it off.
Tomorrow is the AV Poppy Festival and I can't wait to wander around all the crafts booths. Must remember a hat! Only working 3 days next week is also a grand thing!
I also want to go to the Body Worlds exhibit in LA.
Tomorrow is the AV Poppy Festival and I can't wait to wander around all the crafts booths. Must remember a hat! Only working 3 days next week is also a grand thing!
I also want to go to the Body Worlds exhibit in LA.
Emotions: The good...the bad...the ugly
In the book I'm reading JB say's "Feelings of grief are very intense and often very mixed. We may feel emotions in an entirely new or different way. For the sake of maintaining our emotional health, it is important for us to admit our feelings, not deny them. We must learn to tolerate and accept our emotions as well as the loss itself."
The intensity of the emotions I feel are exhausting. Right now I'm at a point where my emotions are not swaying back and forth in what felt like an uncontrollable wave crashing to shore again and again and again. It was so hard right after dad died. During the day I was busy helping mom, making arrangements, traveling, planning, keeping busy and when night came all the emotions I put aside during the day would come rushing at me. I became physically exhausted, I couldn't sleep and when I did it was only for 3 or 4 hours. Those first two weeks were hellish. I felt like I was a walking zombie.
For the last few days, my emotions have been more even keel. Monday night was hard, I lost it. I cried and cried harder than I ever have. I'm not sure exactly why but as painful as it was to go through that period, I felt a release. I know I won't always feel like my emotions are leveling out and I also know I won't always feel like they are out of control. Both are part of the healing process.
What is hard for me is to go through those dark days and not feel guilty about how I'm feeling. I know it's a natural process but I feel bad inside, like I'm dragging down those around me, dragging them into my mood and my emotions.
Those are the times when I need to express myself, my feelings and not keep them bottled up but I feel like I'm burdening others when I talk about my feelings. Yet talking about them is what I need to do in order to heal and walk through this. I'm just so use to keeping my feelings bottled up inside...to suddenly talk about them, is beyond difficult for me. What is even more troubling to me is that I finally found someone who I feel safe in expressing myself and talking with and now I'm taking "me time" and my safe outlet is gone. So how am I to work through my grief when the one person I can talk to about anything isn't around?
I haven't told my love and I'm not sure if I will, about what happened the night before my father died. He was in bed, he couldn't get up, he didn't have the strength to even talk. I could tell how hard it was for him to simply lift up his arm. So I laid beside him and held his hand or stroked his arm and simply talked to him. I told him what I was up to, what was going on, I wanted him to hear my voice in hopes that it helped him rest and maybe it would give him some peace. I also told him that I was in love with someone very special. I wanted dad to know that I love someone and that someone loves me...that his baby girl wasn't alone and was cared for. He didn't know who but I hope he could see the love within me and could see that I was happy,,,that I had found happiness with someone very special.
The intensity of the emotions I feel are exhausting. Right now I'm at a point where my emotions are not swaying back and forth in what felt like an uncontrollable wave crashing to shore again and again and again. It was so hard right after dad died. During the day I was busy helping mom, making arrangements, traveling, planning, keeping busy and when night came all the emotions I put aside during the day would come rushing at me. I became physically exhausted, I couldn't sleep and when I did it was only for 3 or 4 hours. Those first two weeks were hellish. I felt like I was a walking zombie.
For the last few days, my emotions have been more even keel. Monday night was hard, I lost it. I cried and cried harder than I ever have. I'm not sure exactly why but as painful as it was to go through that period, I felt a release. I know I won't always feel like my emotions are leveling out and I also know I won't always feel like they are out of control. Both are part of the healing process.
What is hard for me is to go through those dark days and not feel guilty about how I'm feeling. I know it's a natural process but I feel bad inside, like I'm dragging down those around me, dragging them into my mood and my emotions.
Those are the times when I need to express myself, my feelings and not keep them bottled up but I feel like I'm burdening others when I talk about my feelings. Yet talking about them is what I need to do in order to heal and walk through this. I'm just so use to keeping my feelings bottled up inside...to suddenly talk about them, is beyond difficult for me. What is even more troubling to me is that I finally found someone who I feel safe in expressing myself and talking with and now I'm taking "me time" and my safe outlet is gone. So how am I to work through my grief when the one person I can talk to about anything isn't around?
I haven't told my love and I'm not sure if I will, about what happened the night before my father died. He was in bed, he couldn't get up, he didn't have the strength to even talk. I could tell how hard it was for him to simply lift up his arm. So I laid beside him and held his hand or stroked his arm and simply talked to him. I told him what I was up to, what was going on, I wanted him to hear my voice in hopes that it helped him rest and maybe it would give him some peace. I also told him that I was in love with someone very special. I wanted dad to know that I love someone and that someone loves me...that his baby girl wasn't alone and was cared for. He didn't know who but I hope he could see the love within me and could see that I was happy,,,that I had found happiness with someone very special.
Missing Mom
I really miss mom today. This is the third holiday without her present. I feel her presence, but it's not the same. I have her pictures, but that's not the same either. I have memories, but that's not the same. I wish I could hear her laugh. I want a hug. She's not here to tell me about all the phone calls she got from everyone. She's not here to tell me about everyone's lives and how ya'll are getting along. She's not here to tell me about all her troubles. She's not here to tell me a funny story about her life. I vividly recall the last time she asked me to go into the bedroom to pray for her. I remember the times she would be in the hospital and she would want me to pray for her. She's not here to tell me about something she read in her Bible. Or something new God showed her. She's not here to complain about falling asleep during her prayers. She's not here to remind me to do better. She's not here to scold me about something she wasn't too pleased about that I did or didn't do. She's not here to tell me I done good. I miss her. I can't hardly wait till I get to see her again. I hope its soon. I'm glad I took the time to cook holiday meals for them the last two years before she left.
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Re: Actually, a survey instead. - 3 is still in the top ten! 1 2 tie my shoe!
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