Grateful @ MindSay

I am grateful. I am grateful that I have my peace and safety back in my home. Grateful both my parents have overcome cancer and along with my grandmother have followed their dreams and returned home to Mississippi. I am so grateful and with that being said today was a lonely day, one of those days that you wish you could uncap one of your favorite days or a day you wished your fingers would never forget.

I wish I could feel mommy’s fingers through my braids today as I learned that someone I cared about is going to become a father with someone else (I wish them well but it still hurts).

 I don't remember grams smell, but if I could I would hold that in instead of the smell of jealousy wondering when the usual when is it going to be my turn (everyday I have to see a new e-mail saying oh congrats such and such had their baby or promotions so congrats to this one.....wish them well?

 I have two weddings to go to before February and I don't want to go. I love the people getting married, one is the brother mommy never had and the other is a friend who has shown me love beyond measure...but I can't deny the hurt. I have eaten myself into a whopping 30 lb weight gain and as much as I could say it had to do with the person we don't speak of I know that it still has to do with my unhappiness. I want to wake up and know htat someone loves me....not settle but loves me for me and have peace with that. I want someone to break down with or crack up with and not people that I can't touch or have to keep secret because it wont look right.

Why would God give me someone to love if I am back to not knowing how to love myself 100%?

This is for me and me only so if you get offended I am sorry.

You have brought me this far and I know you are not through with me...please hold me up so I know not to be through with myself. Please place me in the position I am supposed to be at so that I may be joyful and a blessing.

I tried to do the 24 hour happy thing and so far so good...guess the road back home on a virtual road trip is expected to be bumpy.

Today I am the big 64 and so far (I'm superstitious) I am really having a blessed, wonderful, friend-filled day.  I've received lots of fantastic presents and phone calls:   my spouse gave me a wonderful herbal book, Little Red sent me a great California landscaping book, my brother outside Philadelphia sent me a piece of McCoy pottery which had belonged to my grandmother, my sons are taking me to an Eritrean restaurant for dinner, and I just bought $100 worth of PLANTS for my backyard.  Two gardenias!!!!  Alicestreet suggested that I could now grow them in my enclosed hot tub area.  Yahoo.  Gardenias are one of my favorites.

And my younger son is installing the first of 3 gates which can be seen in the first photo above.  This gorgeous gate is the "utility" gate and so won't even be seen much, but I think it is beautiful, so I wanted to share it.  The other gate will be installed within a Japanese-type pavilion which he built over the rear entry where I will be getting out of the car to bring in groceries, etc. (2nd photo)    I feel so grateful.  For 35 years we have lived in this old place, and we are finally able to fix it up.  My husband and son have pretty much done all the work.  (I had a yardworker helping me too).  I did some of the work, but mostly had to keep the household going during construction and messes and did quite a bit of the plantings. 

When I wrote about Staycations, I wasn't kidding:  we are most likely going to be sticking close to home this summer for lots of different reasons - not just gas, but because now we really need to economize after all this construction.  But I am loving everything and feeling very grateful for my new kitchen, bathroom and backyard!   There's nothing like having a kitchen from 1948 and a bath of the same vintage, to make me feel grateful when they were rebuilt.  Thank you Mindsay friends, for all your caring and concern during the time I have been on here.  This is my 123rd posting and it is the 23rd - and my birthday - which is auspicious to me!

1.  I'm grateful to have had a nice conversation with a friend who helped me sort out my experiences yesterday.

2.  I'm grateful that mother-in-law got her paycheck today.  It was over two weeks late!

3.  I'm grateful that my father-in-law finally got the reports he needs from his doctor to go forward with his disability claim.  He has post polio syndrome and DESPERATELY needs this to get done with.

4.  I'm grateful that payday is tomorrow!!!

5.  I'm happy I got to talk to several wonderful people today on the phone:  my mother, my mother & father in law, and my good friend Bertha!  I also got to talk to a lot of good friends on the instant messenger.

It was a rather strange day today. I'll blog about that separately....

1. I'm grateful that I had a visit from my grandmother in a dream today during a small nap I took with Will. My grandmother passed away in May of 1999. I'm grateful I got to ask her some questions about some things I wanted to know. I'm not sure, now, what to do with this information or if it is really true or not. But...irregardless, I'm grateful to have had a visit with her today.

2. I am grateful that my whole family got to go on a really nice walk today together.

3. I'm grateful that we got to eat dinner out tonight at Taco Bell! I love Taco Bell and got a little break from cooking.

4. I'm grateful my husband is home this evening and not working overnight.

5. I'm grateful that I got an interesting visit from a bear just a few hours ago. I believe this is related to my grandmother, somehow, and I'm really glad that I was not hurt. More on that in my other blog in a bit.

My friend, Marlena, from MySpace has been keeping a daily gratitude journal for the past few months.  Even if she doesn't blog about anything else, she always does her gratitude journal entry.  It has been a joy reading it everyday and I have often thought about doing it, myself.  Yesterday, she issued a request for all of her friends to start keeping a gratitude journal, as well.  So, I'm going to give it a try!  Basically, you try to list 3-5 things you are grateful for each day.  I believe it helps keep you focused on the positive things in life.  I would issue a request for all of you to try to keep a gratitude journal!

1.  I'm grateful that I was able to attend Sunday school and church services yesterday morning with my whole family.  I truly love and look forward to seeing my "church family."

2.  I'm extremely grateful that my husband is alive and well.  I was reminded yesterday that others are not so fortunate as a newly widowed woman returned to church after losing her husband last week.  I'm so, so grateful I have my husband.

3.  I'm grateful that my children are healthy and doing very well.

4.  I'm grateful that we have, hopefully, been able to come up with a way to solve a huge problem that some family members have been experiencing.

5.  I'm grateful that I have a home to live in and most anything I could want or need.