Grandpa @ MindSay

My grandpa passed away early this morning at around 5am. It was a relief...I haven't cried yet, but I'm sure it'll happen soon. He was just suffering so much and it was sooo hard to hear him struggling to take a breath and to just hold onto life. He's in a better place and won't ever have to suffer again. I'm sad, but I will always remember everything about him...he's a hero to all. As of right now, the funeral is either Tuesday or Wednesday...and the rest of the week is going to be spent with my grandma.

It started out as such a great week...and it was--up until this morning. Now I'm mixed between happy, sad, and worried.

My grandpa was doing pretty good, and just got over the bad case of pnemonia late last week. The start of the chemotherapy treatments went well, and he was doing okay--fabulous compared to the beginning of last week. They found blood clots in his bladder, his blood pressure is still low, and so are his platelets...but all in all--it was a start to a good week for him....until last night/early this morning. He started having trouble breathing again, and his chest started to feel heavy...so he was moved to intensive care. The doctor was coming in this morning (we haven't heard anything yet), to check it all out, because it might be congestive heart failure or pnemonia (again)...or a combination of both. Either way--it's not a good thing at all. It just makes me really sad, because there's nothing I can do to help...just stand here and play the waiting game, I guess.

On the other hand, Josh is most likely going to be coming with me to my graduation party. I was talking to Amanda yesteday at work, and she said she's going to try and make it (and I know she has a bachelorette party that day, too...so I understand if she can't), but if she can't--she doesn't know how Josh is going to get up there, because he keeps asking her if she's going and whatnot. So I told her if it comes down to it--he can always come up with me when I go after work on Friday night. That means I get to spend two and a half hours there (and back on Sunday), and the whole weekend with him. And my family will actually get to meet him (although we're not dating...yet). Oh well, it's going to be a good time next weekend. And Amanda said she thinks he actually likes me, which is different from the other girls at first...because he's never wanted to get to konw them well, let alone open up as fast as he did--usually it takes dating them a little while before he'll even start to explain the things he told me Saturday night. This could end up to be a great thing. =D

Hopefully everything turns out okay.

<33

Right now, there is a huge mixture of emotions fluttering in my brain and creating butterflies in my stomach. In the past few weeks, I've felt confusion..happiness..frustration..nervousness..and sadness. But through it all, I'm right back where I started--happy. I'm done with highschool and all that drama...I've had the most amazing times with friends...and I've met two awesome guys (or at least gotten to know them better). I can't wait for this new chapter in my life to begin, and I'm not sad to leave the rest behind. I've begun to live out every opportunity I'm faced with, and I'm not regretting any of it.

On the other hand, my grandpa bas been in the hospital for almost a month...and he's not doing so well. The sunday of Memorial weekend, I went to see him and he didn't look so well. And then we went to see him the next week, because my uncle and grandma said we should probably come home...and cried/had tears in my eyes for the first five hours we were there...then he woke up for the last hour. At the start, his skin was so gray, his blood pressure was 60/20 (average for an adult = 120/70...or somewhere close to that), his breathing was really shallow, and he struggled just to take a breath. It was so hard to see him in that condition...and as selfish as it sounds--I don't want to lose my grandpa quite yet. When I saw him there in that hospital bed struggling for a single breath of air, I wnted nothing more than to take his place and have me be the one who's going to die soon...I wanted to become some higher power and somehow make him better...better than before even. Unfortunately, that's something I just can't do. Since his platelets have been so low and keep dropping (his keep falling to about 7...they're supposed to be at 150) every time they give him blood transfusions, the only thing they can try now is chemotherapy treatments to try stimulating the platelets, even though he doesn't have cancer. Since that weekend, he's gotten a little better...and he's getting really tired of being in the hospital. Yesterday, he told my grandma he wasn't going to take his pills, eat, or drink anymore...and that he was going to ask my dad if he should or not......and he also told her to go measure a casket, because that's where he's headed. It scares me, because some of the things he's said lately sound so final...as if he'll truely be leaving us all sooner than later.

Then comes the confusion with the two boys. I have two crushing on me right now...and I kind of like both of them, too. They're both awesome, but I don't know what to do...ugh! Josh is 24 and probably lives 20-30 minutes away from me...I met him through my friend Amanda, and I already see him almost every weekend. He's really nice, and before Saturday night all I wanted was for him to talk more because I didn't know him hardly at all...but that night he really opened up. He's had a really rough past, but he's back on track now. Shaun is 23 and lives in Duluth...which is like 4-5 hours away. He's really nice, too. I met him through my friend Brooke (he lives up by her parents), although we haven't met in person--which is what needs to happen before I even consider dating him. I think I'm going to just wait it out and let whatever happens, happen.

I changed a lot in only the past few months. I've decided that in the past, I gave my everything in order to make everyone else happy. While I satisfied everyone, I was only left with unhappiness, because I used all my effort to put a smile on other's faces and paid absolutly no attention to myself. Well, I'm done with that...I'm sick of going out of my way to help others out, and getting nothing in return...therefore having to fake that I was happy, too. I've given up so many things that could've been so much more...and I'm done with living my life for everyone else. I'm still going to think of others, but keep myself in mind, too. I know what I want, and nothing is going to get in my way of achieving my dreams and goals. I'm done living in someone else's shadow...it's my turn to shine now.

I'm also trying to change my image a little...because I'm so self consious a lot of the time, and I'm always thinking I'm fat. I've already lost 10 lbs in a little over a week with just eating less portions and healthier foods. And I'm not gonna lie, I'm starting to like it a lot. We'll see where this gets me with my self confidence.

Although I probably have a lot left in my brain that I'd like to get out...I can't think of anything else to untangle and put on here.

Love you, my little blog-reading friends.

<33 Nicole