Girly @ MindSay

So I finsihed the job I've been doing for two weeks, and now it's over. Goodbye. Miss Claudia, enjoy your new kitchen.

I go meet the new Sarah on Friday. We're going to meet at E'n'P and see how things go from there. I think it'll be fine, though. I can be a little quiet when I'm nervous, but I think that a lot of that has to do with me pawning the conversation off on other people. If it's just her and I, I guess I'll have to step up. I have a good feeling about this, but I still haven't figured out what to wear.

So I figured since nobody uses mindsay anymore that posting here would be argumentatively the same as a personal expression of thought like for example a diary. and for a second I doubt myself thinking " Tony you dumbass nobody keeps a diary anymore these days..." but after I think about it I wonder how much of that is true. I mean my whole life if I heard the word diary I would have laughed and thought it was silly. I think of a young teenage girl pouring out her emotions about her boyfriend, or the fight she’s having with her best friend. and I think its safe to say the whole concept of having a diary is much more reasonable and acceptable if the keeper is a female.

To be honest if one of my friends from the football team a.k.a the "pain train" were to admit during team dinner that he wrote in a diary each day it probably would have been followed by an awkward moment of silence and a quick change of subject by a watchful teammate attempting to dampen the embarrassment.. The night would have gone on like nothing ever happened. but maybe that’s not the end of the story.

Maybe that boy was still embarrassed at himself now. maybe there was a sick feeling in his stomach at how much time he had wasted with his silly childish diary. maybe he would throw it away or even burn it, discarding every record of his history and how he has felt as though it was a sickness. like it was holding him back. when the truth is that book full of paper was the only written proof that he existed. that he was more than just a name.

After thinking about it for a while I determined that even though I have never kept a "diary" or any form of documentation to represent my feelings... I cannot deny that I have questioned myself in other ways besides literature. Several times I have asked myself who I am. what I believe in. what I stand for, and so forth. Each time the answer I come up with was slightly, but not dramatically different. I will keep the details quiet because this is surely not a diary, and I have no reason to express my internal feelings. I am simply taking a little time to explore this lovely place I live in from a broader perspective.

My conclusion tonight came surprisingly quickly. my poor fingers could never dream of typing anywhere close to as fast as I think., when I actually take a little bit of time out of my day to do so..[2:44 am] .

Nevertheless I decided that every good thing I have done in my life followed a decision. Every choice I ever made had a ending. every cause had an effect. every night had a dawn. and every day had a new opportunity for me to do something great. this is what disappoints me because from my point of view I have not done anything great. I’ve only done good. clearly, this is what I started thinking about some days ago. and it might not make any since to the 2 or 3 people who might actually take their time and read it. however this is my general, non personal beginning, of a story that I can't tell. I cannot simply because I don’t know the ending.

P.S. ... my intention was to write a blog about the crazy dreams I’ve been having and the spooky windy noise and the anonymous postcard that brought me to writing this "broad perspective" today.. but I have reasons for not continuing thins rant. one because I ran out of time [3:02am] and another because this is once again, surely not a diary and I have no reason to express my personal thoughts literally, however if anybody was actually interested in my story [ doubtful because if I was talking to anybody I probably wouldn’t be on mindsay in the first place] can feel free to start a conversation, which could be considered an excuse for discussing personal things.

When I first found out that my first child was a girl, to tell the truth I was a lil disappointed.  I wanted a boy!  For the simple fact of hte matter I was a Tom Boy growing up.  I felt clueless on how raising a girl.  With a boy I knew I could handle the lil boy things cause I did them!  Plus lil girls even us Tom Boys go through the whole dress phaze when we are in our toddler years before we get smart and chuck themoff!:D  I knew I would have no problem teaching my boy to be respectful towards women and between hubby and myself let him be a lil boy.  But I loved my lil girl and was just as happy to get her.  DeLaney is a pistol!  And giving me headaches already at age 8 cause she is NOT a Tom Boy.  She likes her sports but she is a true lil girl at heart!

Ten months later I got my lil boy:D  And I was done having kids.  I had one of each, I wanted more but my body couldn't handle the pregnancies so the docs said no more since you got one of each mamma!  Coltin was not only my one and only boy, he was the first grandson on both sides of the family.  Randy has 3 girls and was told by Navy docs that due to the radation exposore there was a good chance he would never have boys.  My sister spit out her girl 10 months before I had DeLaney.  You should have seen my dad carrying around the kids after Coltin was born!  Coltin was always in the middle of Katie my neice and DeLaney when Grandpa was holding the babies!  Randy's dad was actually a pretty good grandpa right after Coltin was born, Coltin was the first boy born into Randy's family since Randy!  Then the dipshit went down hill.  He jsut wanted the boy to carry on his last name not to actually be a grandfather.

As my kids are getting older I have no worries over my son becoming a strong confident respectful young man!  In my family males out number the girls big time.  He has tons of male influences not only with his father, my father, and my brother.  My cousins and uncles are in the picture also.  Randy's step father has done a magnificent job stepping in as Grandpa on Randy's kids and his sister's kids over their dad!  Coltin also has a very strong female presence in the families also.  My family is a predominate matratical family.  Boys get it through their heads real fast that girl's can do anything boys can do and boys can do anything girls can do.  We might not like everything they do but we will support it.  Coltin and all the male relatives his age,older or younger know that they best be respectful towards women also otherwise they might get slapped upside the head!

My daughter on the other hand is like I said before my headache.  At age 8, I am already hearing:  "Mom when can I wear make up?  Mom I am old enough to do this!  Mom, I am a girl I can't do that!"  This drives me batty!  So lately I have been making a point to sit my girl down once a day to once a week time permitting and not only talk to her but show her examples that girls can get dirty!  Girls can be just as strong and capable as any man!  That I expect her to be self sufficent in all aspects of her life that she considers a "male" thing.  I have no clue where she picked this shit up from.  I can only blame the parts of the country we have lived in the last 2 years.  The panhandles of TX and OK where people feel strongly that women are incapable of doing "men's" work. 

I ususaly start out by asking her what I do, a lot of ppl don't think being a stay home parent is helpful in showing a child especially a girl that this is important.  But it is.  She goes your my mom and you stay home to take care of us.  Then I go through how mommy did this in school, mommy traveled here before she meet daddy, how mommy worked up until the time the doctors said I couldn't with hers and her brother's pregnancy.  How mommy NOT daddy made the choice to stay home because it takes a family to raise the child right and not some daycare!  True some of the choices made when I stayed home were based off of money, but this is how mommy is helping the finances out by staying home with you!  I save money by not placing you and your brother in day care when you were younger!  Then I promptly go into the fact that Uncle Tracey for 5 years was a stay home daddy while Aunt Theresa works as a full time Nurse.  Uncle Tracey has only recently gone back to work!  Then I point out what her grandmothers do..........all three of them ........I didn't want to include RAndy's step mother but she has a good job!  Grandma P (my mom) is a full time nurse for the gov't!  She is on her 37th year of working!  Nursing is a hard job kidlet.  Grandma J (Randy's mom) is an over the road trucker!  A lot of women truck by themselves or with a partner who is either male or female.  A lot of times women truck with their spouses be them male or female!  Trucking is for the most part considered a man's job!  Grandma M (randy's step mom) is in banking!  And not some clerk or receptionist!  Before she quit her last job due to stress, she was a Vic President in charge of the loan department in a very large bank!  AGain banking is considered a man's job at that high of a level.  Aunt G maintains all of their farm accounts and even drives the rigs at harvest time.  Her daughter in laws both have college degrees one in business and one in nursing, they choose to stay home with their kdis but they help out on a daily baises with the farm.  Aunt G's daughter, Tammy is our vet.  She takes care of our animals.  That is something she worked very hard at by going to school for almost 8 years and then had to do residency for before she could go into practice with another Vet!  Aunt Nicole, daddy's sister, is a Sgt Major in the US Army and going on her 19th year being in the Army. 

I go on and on in this line and then I usually show her pictures of other women on the net doing the same types of jobs that Uncle W over in Iraq does and what Daddy does.  DeLaney has shown a strong interest in astronomy.  Which my neice Katie has also.  At the moment my sister is a lil better off then we are and manged for hte holidays to get Katie a telescope.  We promised DeLaney when we get moved to outfit her room in the cosmos!  And if she can keep her reading and spelling grades up to at least B's and no slacking at the end of second grade we will get her, her own telescope.  DeLaney made the comment that space of any sorts is a guy thing and that she doesn't want to be teased.  Randy told her she coudl do anything that she wanted and that both he and I believe that.  And today I found the perfect article to show my lovely girly girl daughter that if she wants to become an astruanaut when she gets older she will be in good company!:D Shannon Lucid,  Margaret Seddon, Kathryn Sullivan, Judith Resnik, Sally Ride, and Anna Fisher.  These women were the first group of women that were inducted into NASA as female astronaunts in the year of 1978!  Shannon Lucid at age 64 is still working for NASA!  Here is the article from msn:  http://www.cnn.com/2007/TECH/space/01/26/shannon.lucid.profile/index.html

I know a lot of people say the confidence of our girls is stronger then ever especially with so many of us being strong women.  But that isn't always the case.  My girl knows she is beautiful and smart.....she gets told daily by us and other ppl!  But she fails to have confidence in our abilites to do "boy" things because of antiquated ideas in a lot of our countries people in the rural areas!  The only way my daughter and many other girly girls are going to get confidence in their abilites to do anything they want is if the parents, various family memebers, and the public at large raise their confidence up!  I am going to keep talkign to my girly girl about how she can do anythign she wants, show her articles, pictures, talk to her about hte history of various jobs that include women.........and keep denying her make up till she is old enough .......until she realizes that not only is being cute a bonus but having that mind she has is extra bonus!  That she is not only smart enough but confident enough to do anything her lil heart wants.  And her brother is a big help because he is all for his sister doing stuff for him instead of him doing it himself!:D