Girlfriends @ MindSay

Spending the morning with a girlfriend who loves you is one of the best soul fillers I can imagine. Toni and I had coffee and bagels at this great little coffee house half way between our houses and we ended up spending four hours on the black leather sofa discussing God, families, yiddish, books, faucets and men. That's my idea of heaven.

 

 

and my little sewing machine arrived today. I am a chapter advisory board member for the American Sewing Guild local chapter... in charge of community outreach and that means if I want to participate in some of the activities I have to haul my machine with me. well my sewing  machines are worth thousands of  dollars, are heavy lunkers, set into custom made furniture and i am not lugging them anywhere. So I spent about 100 for a ten pound Brother machine ( all my accessories will fit it) that I can take on a community service sew.

 

So what's am I talking about? A community service sew could be going to a nursing home and doing alterations. or a hospital and helping sew memory quilts with families of oncology patients, or a women's shelter and teaching them to sew or making toys for kids.  or to a ballet school and teaching the teens how to make tutu's. ( these are all actual projects we have done this year) Many community projects can be done at home and the stuff broght to a meeting. like chemo hats or walker bags or dialysis pillows or anti ouch bags for mastectomy patients. But many are group gigs where we spur each other on, socialize and sew. and now i have a lightweight machine to do that. and i stole a small piece of luggage from the storage closet for a rolling cart to hold my gear. Later I will fill a cosmetic roll with accessories etc and I am all set. One must be organized you know.

 

 

so since albert told me he has a crush on me in september, its basically allowed him to lower his defenses. as he put it, he's bascially naked around me now. because of that, i've gradually been able to lower my defenses around him, too, something that only this semester i was able to learn to control. cyn on the other hand i have always kind of had a thing for, at least physically...there's a lot of make out sessions and what not that i haven't had the chance to post about on here, but i always thought it was just for fun. so when she told me she likes me over thanksgiving break, it was kind of surprising... n i know i posted a little bit about that a while ago. it  scared me at first cuz i thought they'd want a threesome or something n i wasn't sure if that was something i was comfortable with.

 

long story short, this past sunday albert picked me up from my place to go hang out with him n cyn. in the car on the way there it came up and he asked me if it was weird that i know they both like me n i said yeah kinda, n that part of that is because i'm scared they'll expect things of me that i'm not sure i'm comfortable with. we talked about it a little bit, and then we ate dinner n just hung out. Me and albert started drinking n watching movies afterward and i think out of the four movies our drunk asses played, he watched maybe half of one and i saw just enough to get what was going on. We spent the whole time talking- about how we felt, what we thought, just everything about the whole situation. he told me that him and cyn had been considering getting a girlfriend for a while and i was actually really amazed that every concern i had, ranging from what if he got me pregnant to the plainly obvious what if this fucks up your/our relationship, was something they'd talked about before.

 

fast forward to last night (trust me, there's a fun story in there i wish i had the time to get into), the three of us sat and talked and yeah...they'd been wanting a gf for like two years and we just talked about everything, emotional investment, the fact that i have somethings to work on, what if i like somebody else, pregnancy, all of it...cyn even brought up a conversation that i'd had with her that i didn't remember until she brought it up last semester sometime when i said that i don't care if other ppl want to be in polygamous relationships, but its not something i'd ever be a part of (she said that made her sad XD) well...joke's on me cuz now they have a girlfriend...and I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!! AND A GIRLFRIEND!!!

 

this didn't really hit me until like four or five hours ago even tho i guess my part in this relationship started last night, and i'm scared shitless. i'm scared i'll ruin their relationship or ruin our friendship and i'm scared to get attached when all its ever done is hurt me. one thing that i mentioned last night is that now that i've finally learned how to not attach myself to ppl so easily, its like now i'm in a situation that i have to get attached again. i'm also scared cuz i mean... i've fooled around in some form or another (including giving just a hand job) with...12 different guys (7 of them i had sex with). of those 12, 2 were boyfriends and even then it only ever meant anything with Nam, my last boyfriend, and him and i never had vaginal intercourse so that means this:

 

of the 12 guys that i have had some sort of sexual contact with, it only ever meant anything with one of them and that was two years and...four months ago, and of the 7 guys i've had sex with, its never meant anything with any of them. This is the first time in my life that sex might actually mean something, the first time in the four years and four months since i lost my virginity. and only the second time anything sexual has meant anything to me with a guy...i guess its scary cuz as with everything else in my life, look at how much getting attached, especially when it comes to sex and men, has hurt me? i even talked to cyn and albert about all of this and he was really understanding... and he said it was cute, hehe.

 

the fact is tho, we're all scared right now, none of us are really sure what we're doing...and at the same time, i just can't stop smiling. I have a BOYFRIEND and a GIRLFRIEND. i'm loved, i'm happy, i'm scared, and i just feel great about the future right how. its so weird!

 

its amazing how something so simple can make u feel so amazing once u stop n think about it... no matter how fucking scary it can be at the same time. For the first time in a long time I can say that yeah, a lot of things really suck right now, but in this moment I am happy...happy...

my husband claims that I have been cranky every day since he had his nasal surgery. I beleive that today is the first day I have been cranky. Until today I have played games with him, watched what he wanted on TV, plumped his pillows, pulled up his socks, made him tea, cooked soft food. been woken several times a night. but last night he started with the instructions and orders - first about taking out the trash and recycling- which I am not an idiot and can manage alone and then about cooking the chicken breasts. finally and luckily a girlfriend called and I convinced her to meet me at starbucks in ten minutes and I got some time with a grown up who isn't relying on me to bring him or her anything and WHAT A RELIEF. I came home ready to be nice again and servant like- gave him some homemade chicken noodle soup, plays board games and now we are finally going to see some TV.

A few months back, one of my friends had an ectopic pregnancy.

Knuter might remember this - he was using a public computer after me, so he probably remembers that I'd been looking up a bunch of stuff on it (mind, he hadn't realized that I wasn't done, and I hadn't realized he was going to be using it - I was coming back from something - so he just thought they were particularly annoying pop-ups). I was pretty concerned about her - she's a sweetie when you get down to the right level. On top of that, she's a really cute psycho-spaz, who tends to wrap herself in silliness and doesn't quite connect on the same human level with everybody. It's an interesting trick - not too many people know what the real her's like. I'm not entirely certain she does.

Anyway, part of this means that she'll never be the one to tell you what's going on with her. She has a few close girlfriends, and I'm friends with two of them, so it's possible to find things out, but you can't really ask her.

Due to me being rather busy all the time, there'll be weeks that go by when I haven't seen someone. I haven't seen Sirglad since shortly before Spring Break. Mind you, that's a good thing, I'm working on keeping my distance there right now. Short explanation is that this is the time of year when we fell in love the first time. Last spring, we couldn't stand each other. This spring, we're friends again, but there's still some unresolved emotion floating around that I don't particularly care for. In the interest of not making messiness (and not jeopardizing what I've got with Knuter), I'm just staying out of his way.

But I haven't seen my little squirrel-friend in ages, either. So that by the time I finally DO see her again...I'm not sure what to say. My usual style would be, after some unrelated conversation, "So, what happened there?" but I don't know how she feels about it. It'd be an incredibly emotional thing for me, but I don't know what the little squirrel reacts to emotionally.

Maybe I'll ask one of the girlfriends. Probably a lot safer.

I'm so excited! Tonight (actually at 12:55 AM early Monday morning) my girl TRISTAPREZ will be in Houston!!!! She will be here all until Thurday, then Thursday afternoon, she, Environgirl and I will be driving down to New Orleans for our spring break.  The Chocolate Trifecta will be in full affect ya'll! Can you feel the magic?

 

We are looking forward to our time in the "Big Easy".  All three of us are in sore need of a girl's retreat and a location change.   Don't worry, there will be plenty of pictures of the three of us setting the town ablaze and I may even be able to put up a short post.