Getting Closer @ MindSay


 

   
So today is..
My sister Hailee's 12th birthday. That one year closer to a teenager, one year closer to a boyfriend, one more year closer to high school. GAH, this sucks. I don't want her to grow up. I want her to stay like my sister Caity's age, 8. I don't want her to have an interest in boys. This is going to suck.


Anyway, I don't know what to do with  my whole personal life situation. I love this one girl, but there is a girl that I have previously dated that loves me, and is a very good friend. If i go back with the one I love, I fear the other is going to drop me. I don't want that. I really don't know what to do. GAHHHH.
 
 
   
 

home from the war
Well, the time is drawing closer to when I can go home again and see my wife again.  I know I will have a safe journey but I hope that you all wish me the best anyway.
 
 
 

   
more love

I'm just going to start writing here, and see where it takes me.. 

 

Today I:

 

Woke up with my four month old daughter snuggled up to me for warmth,

went to the farmer's market,

discussed making mead (see former blogs) with the most prolific beekeeper in the area,

discussed going into business with two friends growing and selling gourmet edible mushrooms,

got asked to be a model for a gorgeous female artist (and accepted),

came one step closer to moving into my first actual house,

thought about my new job growing plants in a landscaping nursery,

tended my garden,

rode my new motorcycle,

nearly crashed on my new motorcycle,

ate dinner with my family,

am thankful for all the things which bring me to this point, right now.

 

There are so many things in a day, if you look for them, and if you appreciate them.  Even mundane events in your daily life can have utmost importance if they take you closer to your dreams and desires for bettering your life.

Think carefully about how the little things matter.

Do you lose patience with your loved ones for not relating to you, or do you simply allow them their opinions and let love flow from your center?

Even the most hopeless situation involves a choice.

 

If I had chosen to ride my bike faster today, I wouldn't have squealed tires for five seconds and stopped short of the car, I would have squealed tires for three seconds and gone through his back windshield.  But how could I have known that ahead of time?  Choices are made without thinking, and that is why sometimes we think we didn't make the choice.  Now, i have crashed before, and I KNOW how it feels.  So when I ride I am mindful of my experience while still enjoying the ride.

 

Don't take this as advice to dwell on the past.

 

Now is the only place to be.

 

Namaste

 

Steve.

 

 
 
   
 

-

Ever get the feeling of hitting rock bottom... emotionally and mentally?

 

Having that void inside you grow and grow, and all you can do is surpress it and keep pushing forward... it gets old, and it makes you tired and wary.  Having a fear that you cant overcome- all you can see is your worst nightmare growing closer and closer to becoming real, and being scared to death because of it.  Being pushed into forcing a smile to keep those you hold dearest to your heart to make them feel at ease, then having them go away and leave you with the desire to just sit down and cry.  Waking up every day, only to realize its another day lost in time that we all can never get back...

 

I really wish I could rest my mind as well as my body...

just because I'm sleeping doesn't mean I'm at ease.

 

I'm still scared to death of losing you...

 

~O~

 
 
 

   
(no subject)

-Company-

 

I can feel more alone

in a sea of people

than i could ever feel

sitting next to you.

we have more privacy

in a crowd of strangers

standing closely

whispering.

our words are running together

the tone and mood

felt rather than heard.

I can see us

standing amoung bodies

far away from all of them

we hear each other.

Show me you can handle them

drawing closer to us.

show them you can handle me

moving closer to you.

murmur something in my ear

mumble into my sterno-cleidomastoid

make it quiver with your utterance.

i dont want abandonment

i dont want your gap to be filled

just stay with me

and keep me company.

 
 
   
 

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