Get Well @ MindSay

"Life in the fast lane,

     Surely make you loose your mind;

Life in the fast lane,

     Everything all the time;

Life in the fast lane,

     Uh huh..."

Hey all...

Sure seems like it was just yesterday when I was burning up the keyboards trying to post about this and that in the life and times of Snigglefritz.  Oh my, how quickly the tide can turn some times.  I know that between work and life in general...time has become quite a commodity and it always seems to run out when it comes to wanting to do some personal chit-chatting here with all of the fine folks at mindsay.  I do hope that all is well out there and I do extend a heart felt well wish for a speedy recovery for our good friend snuggs. 

So, today (and yesterday) is/was my birthday.  Yipee!!!  Oh the perks of being a Leap Year baby.  I am fortysomething today and am looking forward to seeing what this next year has in store.  Perhaps changes at work...perhaps chages in life...perhaps changes in feelings.  Who knows what is hiding just around the corner?  Only tomorrow will tell.

Until the next time that I can cheat a few minutes away from the tasks at hand...take care and be good to one another.

'As long as I can open one eye and see someone I love, I want to live'

-someone's 94 year-old grandmother

Listening to NPR today to a program outlining the

parameters of options to the very, very old

were talking 90-100 Y.O.A. here

I began thinking about death

a-gain

but moreso

about

the near handful of people who frequent this site

who've recently attempted to do mortal damage to themselves

what is more painful

physical pain

emotional pain

psychological pain

spiritual pain

who knows

but I think that until a person

experiences pain made of up

a horror-cocktail of all of the above

a person doesn't know true pain

physical pain caused by the nerves endings

sending impulses to the brain

warning of

wrongness in the physical self

people who suffer from cancer

chronic arthritis

gout

various groin disease

they cry out so loudly

in their pain

attacks to the very core of our cells

our joints- which permit movement and fluidity thereof

our lymphatic system- that in charge of our very internal well-being itself

the place we get together to create life

our collective 'y's'

attacks on those places so very vital

can cripple the will to prevail

just let it end

of course

it appears to me

that once physical pain presses a certain limit

emotional control is the next to go

broken at the very place our feelings

begin and end

the pain pushing against our own self-control

loving the sky, the sun, the stars

but damning them all the same

as long as a person in great physical pain can see these things

is aware of them

they have proof that they will most likely

be there in the next hour

when the meds wear off

in the hell-space of the hour or two they must wait

for another dose of whatever drug will alleviate the physical pain

for another few hours...

I cannot imagine this

physically broken

then the emotions to follow

then like a broken dam

the pain of self-awareness busts down the last remnants

of belief

of want/desire to be, to exist

psychologically

a person who is dying or in the throes of physical ailment

realizes what they must live with

we can transplant ruined organs

fly men to the moon and beyond even if we'd invest the funds into the research

we can build amazing buildings

clone animals and most likely ourselves

we can take the soybean and make anything from it

but we cannot stop the pain

the impending death

a death which we will each face

but to the person who is wretched with a physician's diagnosis

death has a set of shoes

death has a face

death has become more than something in the future

for some they find what will most likely end their lives

it may not be what their worst fear was before

the diagnosis

but it is now known

for some, burning alive might begin to seem like a darn good option

compared to the anal bleeding from this drug that stops the pain from this area

compared to the failure of the liver do to the intensity of the reaction from that drug

compared to the loss of youth due to the toll that drug takes while saving the person from death

the sick age in ways and increments that you can see inch up

day by day by day

not everyone talks about their brushes with death

some of us don't speak about what we may have gone through in another part

of our lives

but as everything physically begins in our brain

if the brain is damaged in any way

it can affect personality

it can affect outlook

it can affect the very chagrin of fate

one day a person suffering

may wake to find they believe in nothing

that the pain on so many levels has scorched their very soul

they are not the same

on the outside looking in

when people

friends

loved ones

see the stress upon the face of such people

the first thought sprining to mind may be

wow

how strong he/she is!

how magnificent he/she is in their struggle to survive!

but some wish to let go

they cannot endure the pain any longer

it is much more complicated than the

physical pain

the emotional pain

the psychological pain

because somewhere in the suffering

a person finds that while the love around them from those they love and who love them

may be true

the pain is truer

there can't be a prayer to stop it

a God to interviene

the cross is much too heavy to bear

the person suffering becomes the nightstalker

hiding behind the corners of buildings in their own reasoning

slouching in the darker alleys of their inner thoughts

lurking

waiting

for the moment and the courage

to end it all

people who fight for their very lives after an accident are one form

of 'brave'

but people who fight for the release of death are Strife Warriors

I cannot imagine wanting to end my own life

I can imagine going against the grain to do things that satisfy me even if they put off others

but I cannot imagine going against my own life to satisfy the need to end such

a huge amount of pain

such an enormous amount of pain

I am reading though the posts/replies/responses/reactions

all stemming from Bettie's attempt to end her pain

I think to myself

I am glad she failed

I understand she will continue to hurt

that it may get worse for her due to the toll the attempt may have taken on an already weak system/body

but then again I will hope

that this woman will wake up one morning

feeling

that as long as she can open one eye

and see someone she loves

she will be glad to be alive

*****

I don't know you, but you must be an amazing person to have so many people love you so much... this blog reminds me of what my friend Justin did for his friend, JP on myspace.  JP had already passed on and they kept his myspace alive for over a year (still going) he gets comments every day. 

This is even more amazing because you are still alive, and you can still be ok.

I hope that some how you can feel this, see this, and work to get well.

Your friends need you, please... I'm sure you're trying, don't ever give up.

love,   iiioxxoxxoiii