Gender Identity @ MindSay

A work in progress. A painful journey. Anyone suffering with the reality of being intersexed, or who has someone in their life who suffers from a physical, genetic or hormonal gender disorder may benefit from the journal of my experiences.  To be unable to identify with either sex and yet exhibit characteristics on some level of both is no fun. Often misunderstood. We feel forced to solitude, hiding, desperate seeking, secrecy, emotional deprivation and withdrawal. A constant need to learn who we are and how we can fit into a world where no one can fully understand is our perpetual mission.  I will share observations and experiences, medical results, and research.  When and where I can I will address questions and hopefully shed some light on an unfortunate condition to which there is no cure.  

No matter what sex you are now, imagine being, for a moment, in a body that you've never quite liked.  It shouldn't be that hard to imagine that.  There may be things about your body that you're uncomfortable with.  You might want bigger boobs or a smaller nose.  But imagine even harder now that you are not the same sex you are now.  If you're a girl inside, imagine how uncomfortable it is to be a boy on the outside.  Or if you're a boy on the inside, how uncomfortable it is to be a girl on the outside.  You may not have all the power in the world to change yourself completely, but there are things you can do to make yourself over. People who decide to get sexual reassignment surgery are simply doing what they can to be more like how they feel inside.  To deny themselves their own identity is to not be true to themselves.  It's not about trying to lie to the public about their sex.  It would be just as bad for them to continue to live in the identity nature assigned them.  We all have the right to transform.  And we should all respect someone else's need to really be themselves.

I've seen way too many well-meaning, self claimed liberals really pick on transsexuals and hermaphrodites.  For some reason we can accept someone who is gay yet some people can't tolerate someone who is a tranny.  People unaccostumed to people with gender identity issues (which is basically most of everyone on the street) can't help but STARE at someone who is in mid-gender-transition.  A transsexual doesn't have to dress like a huge drag queen to get attention.  It's hard not to notice that the tall woman standing next to you was once a man or, in some people's opininon, still a man.  It's even harder for the ignorant masses to treat such an individual with dignity.  It's like most people turn into giggling school kids when they spy a tranny down the street.  They can't keep their ignorance to themselves.  Before long they're openly jeering, yelling obscenities, or telling the tranny that they're a "dude."

To be a transsexual takes a lot of guts, and a lot of money.  Most never completely transform overnight for lack of money to get the surgery or some just prefer to be "a chic with a dick" (for lack of a better term).  Some people with gender identity issues never come out of secrecy because of the emotional impact it will have on their family and community.  There's also the hormones; an increase of estrogen in men can put them through some scary emotional rollercoster rides.  Sexual transformation is very hard to do, but don't forget that the person it's hardest on is the person undergoing the change.  

And it's not just the guys-wanting-to-be-girls or girls-wanting-to-be-guys that have it hard.  Don't forget that there are many people out there born with ambiguous genitalia; people often referred to as hermaphrodites.  Most hermaphrodites are not completely half-female or completely half-male.  Many are born with some gender qualities that lean more toward one sex or another. 

Imagine not ever being consulted about getting your sexual identity straightened out.  Imagine that your parents, while you're a little baby, decided for you that you were to be a boy or a girl.  Imagine being raised as a boy only to find out you're really a girl when you start suddenly menstrating...  That's what happened to one of my friends.  

I have a friend who is a hermaphrodite and I hope she doesn't mind me writing about her.  She appears more male than female, has a deep voice, etc.  At times things are really difficult for her.  She has had to deal with people mistaking her for a dude.  It's not her fault that she looks more like a guy.  It's her parents who decided to raise her as a boy and, when she found out that she was different, she was rejected by her family and had to fend for herself.  From early on she's learned the hard way to be tough.  I admire her courage and defiance and wish that some idiots would stop treating her like she's some kind of freak, because she's not.

I've seen people react to her negatively.  We'd go to a restaurant and correct the waiter/ess if they accidentally call her "Sir" -- very rarely do people apologize for the mistake and I'll sit there with her and fume at how people will stop and stare at her.  My friend just ignores the treatment, but then there are times when even she can't ignore it.  She may look manish, but who cares?  Yet complete strangers will treat her like she's fair game for name calling.  It's really terrible.

This friend introduced me to other people with gender identity problems.  Most Herms or SHes (a term used for the He/She pronouns to make it easier for folks who aren't sure what to call them, to continue to call someone a he/she is kinda silly) are really normal, believe it or not, and are very open about talking about their lives.  There are questions they have to deal with over and over again by people unfamiliar with their condition, but the worst thing is when people make fun of them.  I think it's even harder for herms because too often people confuse them with transsexuals.

In any case, whether you're a herm or tranny, sexual reassignment or sexual modification is a major ordeal to get through.  First off, you have to have a sense of humor if you're going to get sexual reassignment surgery but there are times when it can be a more difficult transition for other people. Sexual reassignment is a process that takes many years and few trannys look exceedingly beautiful while in mid-transition.  It takes a while for the homones to take effect and even longer for family, friends, and co-workers to adjust to the person's changes.

I have another friend who was a girl who turned into a boy.  Over the course of fifteen years I saw her go through the many phases of her change.  It was very fascinating.  And, no, I didn't ever look for the contents of her pants!  What I witnessed was a very round, feminine frame slowly gain a rugged, boyish, hairy visage.  It kinda reminded me of seeing an adolescent boy going through the changes of puberty.  First there was the peach fuzz chin stubble and later a full beard.  When she was a woman, she was already kinda manly to begin with, but her family was furious with her.  She also lost a lot of friends and business (she was a jeweller) all because she decided to be different.  It didn't matter that she was a talented artist or skilled businessman, all people would see in her is that ugly duckling transition she was going through and they picked on her mercilessly for it.   I wondered why there wasn't more people around her like me.  I found her changes to be as awesome as those I see pregnant friends go through.  I even told her that she should document them on video or in photographs.  She laughed at me.

It takes even longer for a community to adjust to someone that looks "off" or challenges their concept of gender identification.  I don't know why it's so easy for people to pick on folks who are only doing what they can to be true to themselves.  I can understand why it would be an ordeal for a husband or wife, but if you're a parent or a sibling of someone going through a sexual change, I would think that you'd support them and love them no matter what.  If my brother decided to change his sex, I'd think it was cool.  But perhaps that's just me!  I guess if you're used to having a family member who is of a particular gender and they suddenly reveal that they're going to change, it would be dramatic and emotional.  I can imagine that some people would even feel a little betrayed.  But in the end you have to admire someone who is willing to go through the change and risk it all on creating some happiness for themselves.

It doesn't matter if someone is good looking or not when they change their gender, they're still a human being who should be respected.  Whether or not you agree with transsexuals, remember that it's not your life, it's theirs.  Respect them for standing up for themselves.  Admire them for the courage it takes to be different.  Because, after all, you might not be so normal yourself...

I guess I've been blessed to know such individuals myself.  I'm not a transsexual.  I'm very comfortable being female and couldn't imagine even wanting to be a boy.  Yet I can respect someone else's wish to be what they are on the inside completely on the outside as well.