Fucking Bullshit @ MindSay

It's not my goddamn fault his parents only had like 200 fucking minutes to share between 4 phones.

Accidents happen. BIG FUCKING DEAL. You get over it. I would help pay it if he asked because I know I helped create it.

I'm going to get cricket once I get a job so I can't be penalized for this shit.

Living here is depressing...

trying to find something to live for is worse.

"We're about at the point of struggling to get by." Well then you shouldn't have bought a $450,000 house in Las Cruces, smart ones. And the above quote is bullshit.

Basically, they're telling me they COULD help me with up and coming college but WONT help me do anything.

God. I meant it when I said my parents can go rot in their graves for all I care. They're not going to be paying for anything while I'm at college except their fucking house and taking care of my maternal grandmother. I know my parents wanted to get rid of me as soon as possible, but I this is WORSE than being kicked out the door, which has almost happened twice, by the way. How cruel do you have to be to clearly state that you will not allow your child to be able to come stay with you if necessary for any amount of time while they're alone trying to make it in college? I only know a few other parents who would even think such a thing. Most of the parents I know tell their children they will always have a home and a place to go, and they don't have parents that make a $200,000 combined income. And NO, they won't be helping me pay for anything. They're going to be selling this house for over $200,000, which will pay off a shitload on the mortgage. I'll be truly surprised if they pay for anything concerning my computer, let alone the MEAGER system I wanted. 

mike owes me a grand total of $184.25. stephanie owes me $66.25. mike is telling me that i might not see the money from either of them ever. if i don't get paid, i'm canceling both suddenlink- cable AND internet- and pg&e n they can both figure out who's name to put the account under. i don't care, i can live without internet, i'll just have to spend a hell of a lot more time on campus. i don't care, i can live without power. its scary, sure, but i'm not doing this fucking bullshit anymore. i'm pretty sure they're both gonna move out n if mike isn't, i'm going to ask him to n give all the reasons why. i just keep telling myself its only a few more weeks n i'm gonna be gone for four days at the end of this weekend. i really need to stop putting off having that fucking conversation, tho.

saw albert today. he asked how my trip was n i told him that it was good n how proud i am of my brother n how sad i am that i can't show him the videos that i took because he's not gonna know who my brother is unless i watch them with him. he was just like, "yeah, that'll take some arranging..." i then told him about the five page conversation i had in my backpack about why he shouldn't have said a damn thing to cyn, n he was like, "well i had to tell her something." "I wonder why you felt the need to." "because as soon as i saw her we got into a fight." he didn't tell me what he told her, but i'm sure it was none of her fucking business. seriously, that bitch just needs to fuck off n die. after that we just talked about the summer a little n how i kinda wanna meet w/ albert again next thursday at the same time we did this week, only maybe not talk for so long, because i don't think we're tabling next week n i don't kno when i'm gonna see him again. that wouldn't be such a big deal if it weren't for the fact that he doesn't read this blog, but he said he'd read it tonight to see the convo me n cyn have been having. i told him not to tell me that cuz then i'm gonna check, see he hasn't been on n be sad, but he insisted he would. (i see that he has been by, but that might just mean he clicked over here just so it showed up that he did, or maybe he did but he only looked for n read the posts that had me n cyn's messages in them) i guess cyn called him while we were talking n he had to go cuz he was supposed to meet up w/ her, (of course), n i finished telling him that i was worried about the summer cuz i'd never seen him n then we hugged each other "bye." as i pulled away from him i saw cyn walking up outside over his shoulder n i just said, "she's comin!" we said bye then n i paid attention to tabling n he went off w/ her n did whatever they needed to do. its such fucking bullshit...

but yeah, now i need to go to the bathroom n get back to campus to work on my stats homework that's due tomorrow, then i need to come back here n work on the paper for my project that's due wednesday. i hope cyn doesn't get butthurt i if i don't check my myspace for a few fucking days cuz i have school shit to do. (i kno right, so i shouldn't be on here but i go crazy if i don't get some of this shit out! crazier, i mean) that n sean is supposedly coming over tonight finally. if he is i'd better still fucking be in the mood, another reason i'm avoiding myspace n the possibility that i might have gotten something from cyn, but maybe she just didn't respond. i'm just wondering what they both had to do at 11:00 that was so fucking important that she felt the need to walk to the bss n get him if she knew i was tabling there n if she doesn't want to be a further source of stress for me...hmm?

six months probation. six FUCKING months probation. with no jail time. That's it. That's all that fucking bastard got for what he did to me. which means that i have a job to do in May if it's not done by then. this is fucking bullshit. and if i can't get any sort of record of all the money i've already spent failing to get myself fixed, then he might not even have to pay me. and how do i get him to pay for any remaining therapy? "civily". getting a lawyer. going back to court. seeing him again. him and that meth whore mom and probably his sister who's no better again. no. this is fucking bullshit. this is fucking bullshit and there is work to be done, and i will see to it that it is. god i need somebody right now. do you see why i have no one, now? because this is how fucking "crazy" i am. here i am, wanting to do the right thing, and i get shunned by those i care about most for it.