Fuck Buddy @ MindSay

I asked him, "I just want to know if you see me being anything more than a fuck buddy." He replied, "I dunno, I want to be in my career before I start dating again."

I wasn't surprised.  I wasn't really hurt, but it didn't feel good either.

I don't really have much else to say about it right now. At least it's over.

i saw a picture of raver jimmy on facebook a bit ago. not on perpose and not cuz i was looking for it. there's a new Oregon Trail application on there where u can "recruit" ppl from ur friend list and then they're in your wagon and one of the ppl on my friend list had him listed under her wagon. it was weird seeing a recent picture of him, almost in the same way its weird seeing a recent picture of an ex. i remember how jarring it was the first time i looked at Nam's myspace a couple years back to see what he looked like then after i hadn't seen him for 8 months. i haven't seen jimmy in seven months and the last time i saw a recent picture of him was a couple months ago. i still feel a lot of the anger and rage in me that i did now that i've seen that, but its not as strong. part of that may be because carly isn't listed as being in a relationship on facebook anymore. (yay for the stalker feed. if u have facebook, u know what i'm talking about.) this could mean they broke it up, or that she just simply took that information off of her profile. i'm not sure, i didn't really look.

it could also be, tho, cuz even tho i'm hurt and i'm angry and that fucking stupid boy, i know that when albert comes home in an hour or two from work i'm going to get to see him, i'm going to get to hold him close and tell him i love him. i'm going to get to spend time with him, a guy who treats me right, a guy that's honest with me. so far the only things he's really lied to me about were why he'd get shy around me when we used to get stoned together before he told me he liked me in september, and he lied about whether or not he's tried meth before. (apparently its been 3 times and i don't know when the last time he did it was, but it had to have been at least over a year ago, i know that) when the second one came out, i was really hurt and he could tell. he asked if i was mad and i said no, cuz i wasn't, i was just...hurt. really really hurt. disappointed i guess, too, cuz he hasn't told cyn but he thinks she knows cuz the guy he did it with all three times would talk about it around them sometimes. it was so hard for me not to cry, and all i could say was, "i want to trust you, i really want to trust you." he knows about my experiences with meth, that much he does know about my ex and his fucked up family, and i just told him that if he kept something like that from me again and i found out, that may whatever god the prays to help him. i told him that i'm the type of person that likes to know shit when it happens- not this, "oh i told u a year later cuz i thought u wouldn't be as upset" bullshit, WHEN IT HAPPENS! i told him that if he tried to pull that shit with me i'd still be pissed and in not so many words that if he did that he probably wouldn't come out of the conversation looking as pretty as he did coming into it. i'm tired of men lying to me and keeping things from me and jimmy is just another one of those fucking guys, another one that fucked up and only further enforced this idea in my mind that men can not be trusted.

i feel so bad for albert because i really can't trust him with all my heart, but at least i've made enough progress that i'm not constantly suspicious of him either. he's honest to me about when he smokes cigarettes. he's honest to me about his feelings, thoughts, everything else. if i ask him, he'll tell me. with somethings, like smoking, i wish i didn't have to ask him and he'd just tell me, but i can't let myself freak out over things like that anymore and so far i'm not and i'm so fucking proud of myself for that, too, even tho i'm still scared and i'm still waiting for the moment when i open myself up too much and he hurts me and i just freak out.

blah, this was supposed to be a short entry and i've found myself ranting again. anyway, i was still really happy to see that carly wasn't listed as in a relationship anymore as facebook told me, but seeing a picture of jimmy again...i mean, i don't feel all that hate and dispare wallowing up in myself like i used to, but that might also have to do with some stuff carly told me...i know i haven't posted about that yet, n i would now if this entry wasn't already so fucking long. i need to get back into writing short ones again, haha.

but yeah, i'm gonna go nap a bit until albert comes home. hopefully i'll feel better then. writing this entry has made me feel slightly emotional now.

so this morning when i checked my myspace, i had yet another message from carly. i was gonna bite the bullet n look at all three messages, but i thought it would be better to wait until at least albert was off of work so i could have someone to talk to. i wish i could talk to reanna instead cuz he actually knows who carly n jimmy are, but her n i are having drama of our own. i'm gonna finally talk to her today, too, but again, not until i have some moral support incase i...well, i'm sure u're aware of how i might feel after having such conversations in the same day. things are also getting really interesting with me, cyn, n albert too, tho...its not like they've tried to get me to do anything, but the closer i get with them the more attracted i'm feeling to albert and i don't like it.

the one in my last post, the one where i saw raver Jimmy? (if it wasn't clear that's who i was talking about) well i also posted that on myspace...and carly responded...TWICE! i have two messages in my inbox from her n i'm scared as shit to open them. right now i actually need to try to catch the bus cuz i have to be somewhere, but shit...of all the things i could want but never thought would happen, her saying anything to me about him is right at the bottom of the list. and now i'm scared to see what she said, if anything. it might just be a sentence calling me a crazy slut or it might be something more than that. at least i'll finally be closing this part of this chapter of my life, or at least i'm making the effort to in trying to talk to her. if she doesn't want to talk to me then i'll make sure to put it in a suicide note or something, but hopefully i'll be able to answer some questions.

in the dream i saw someone i haven't seen in a long time, months except for here n there when i see a picture that makes me want to vomit. he looked a little different in the dream that he does in real life, but his voice was the same and i knew it was him. he even called me in the dream n his name came up on the caller ID. we talked in the dream like we were friends, like nothing had ever happened between us. he had a son, and when i asked who the mother was i got an unexpected answer, it wasn't the gf that he has now, the reason why things went bad in the first place cuz apparently it makes her sick to her stomach that we fucked even tho it was never while they were dating n we'd been doing it since freshman year. i guess because of that he's not allowed to talk to me, even tho she still can. (?)

its been fucking with me all day and i've been trying not to let it. it didn't help that when my comp restarted n automatically signed me on AIM he was online. i just had to say something, at least that i saw him in a dream n he was in humboldt for a project for some reason n he was staying here...n we just talked, like we were friends, like nothing happened between us, n that it makes me sad that he can't let that really happen. i had to sign off n go to class then, but its the first thing either of us have said to each other since the week before i last saw him in person.

i really just want to go back to my friends' place n study there, but i know i shouldn't. if i've learned anything and if this experience only enforced anything i've learned, its that i can't rely on anyone for anything. I just wonder why, after everything that's been happening these past couple days and after i finally started feeling like maybe this wasn't the end, why did i see him and why did this happen? I wish i could be rid of him, the memories of his flesh and sweat....but i can't.