Fuck @ MindSay

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I didn't even want to see Shelly and Ashleigh today.
I told Shelly this last night, but she half-persuaded me to see them. She said if I was depressed and lonely, I'd only get worse. I did say to her that sometimes I lapse further even when I'm with people I like.

Although for the majority of the day, I've been wearing my mask - I've felt shit inside.
Shelly came at fucking nine in the morning - waking me and my mother up in the process. She laid in bed with me while I tried to wake up properly. She did try it on with me - but I was far from in the mood.
A few hours later she did persuade me, but I didn't enjoy it. It made me feel worse. I shouldn't ever let her when I feel that fucking shit.

Mam went off to ASDA, after she'd asked me to make her a list - but THIS was after she'd had a big fuck off go at me for barely anything. All I did was say that dad was a knob - which he fucking is, and she even agrees with me 99.99% of the fucking time - but nooo, the 0.01% of the time she doesn't agree with me was today - and she decided to have a rant at me about fucking nothing.
At the time, I was holding one of my zebra grip pens - the same ones I've used to cut myself in exams and when I punched Ash - by snapping off the metal clip, exposing the sharp join to the plastic - so on my way back upstairs, I did two vertical slices down my left arm.
I managed to keep my tears back - Shelly held me in her arms while I tried to calm down. I did write the list, but I didn't want to face the cunt again so I sent her down with it.

Ash came at half 12 and we played Guitar Hero 5.
Mam was gone for fucking hours, so we got to play on the drums without being ranted at. I managed to get a few diamond ranks on the challenges. Expert + is ever so fun.
Then we swapped to GH: Greatest Hits - Ash wanted to go on drums, so Shelly stayed on guitar and I went on vocals. We each picked two songs - Shelly picked Electric Eye and Bark At The Moon, Ash picked Heart-Shaped Box and Beast And The Harlot and I picked Caught In A Mosh and Play With Me - and only one of those six songs is of a moderate difficulty - the other five are all well high in the setlist.
I do know the majority of the songs on GH:GH though - and the ones I don't know, I could take a good guess at.

When mam came back, we expected her to have a rant at Ash - but instead, she came bearing the top hat that Mally had said he'd lend me for Spieluhr and a MUSIC BOX. :D
Well, it's a jewellery box, but it does have a winding key and a spinning figure inside. Well... It DID have - but it's broken off. The tripod inside does still spin - so using a piece of putty rubber, I've fixed the little cat off my old charm necklace to it - and it makes a pretty cool replacement.
The box made me feel all nostalgic though - I remembered playing with it when I was little. :/

Ash of course, just HAD to try on the top hat:



Shelly and I ate some hot dogs - Ash declined them, as she was set to be having a big meal when she went home.
We must've spent like an hour deciding on what we were going to do. Seriously, we ought to plan Saturdays in fucking advance, we must waste at least 1/6 of the day pondering what we're going to fucking do.
I showed Ash one of my ideas for an RCP video - via the screening of Sally's First Movie - a badly animated video I made when I was like 15. I was ever so surprised when both Ash and Shelly were amused by it.
Following this, I let them have the run of my condemned files on Mr. Maxtor - I let them watch some random videos of me at this tender age. Sigh. Shelly said I was cute. I fucking wasn't, I was the biggest cunt ever at 15.
I'm not a cunt now, I'm just a twat. I seem to have improved.

Eventually - we decided on Evil Dead: A Fistful Of Boomstick.
It was so cool - Shelly and I were cuddled up under my duvet and Ash was sat on the end of the bed. I'm glad they both don't mind watching me play games, for I am one of these people who enjoys being watched. Ash and I were in fits at the orgasmic secretary - the one who sounds proper pleasured every time she exclaims the character's name.

"OH ASH... SAY SOMETHING HEROIC!"

I've now finished off the second level and I've saved it around halfway through the third one.
Shelly fell asleep on me at one point - and I could only put up with her snoring for 10 minutes before we made her wake up.
Of course, I also felt obliged to show them both some hilarious FMV movies from Leisure Suit Larry. Shelly was more amused than Ash - but I think they were both generally disturbed by the Harriet X Twiggy scene. :)

Ash sodded off at seven, so Shelly and I got some time alone again.
Shelly loves me - she's done that what she said she hates doing - and I fucking love it. I can't wait till after Christmas, then I'll join her in doing it also.
For tea, I made us chicken fingers and spaghetti. I had a random craving for them so I put them on mam's shopping list. I ate my spaghetti cold with three slices of bread, Shelly's was warm and she had two slices.

At 9:20, I went downstairs with Shelly and watched I'm A Celebrity with mam and dad. Today's episode was fucking hilarious like. I didn't realise watching someone force down fish eyeballs and bork several times could be so damn funny. Mam took her home afterwards.

I wanted to fucking do our RCP introductory video today as well. They both fucking knew I did - but NOOOO...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I had a rethink about The Overseer costume. I've had a brainwave.
Who else wears a top hat and a suit jacket? Instead of wearing sunglasses, why not wear corpse paint like King Diamond? :)



I actually do think it would look pretty mint. Shelly agreed with me when she rang me.
Why she fucking rang me, I don't know - has she not spent enough time with me today, Christ's sake. Can I not have a fucking moment of peace.

With that being said, it wasn't just Shelly being annoying - we had Adam, ranting ten to the dozen about Matty - and we all know I don't give two flying fucks about him - so I danced around the point, only answering the comments I wanted to. Adam didn't bother me that much though - he didn't fucking upset me like Lewis did.
Problem with him is though, he doesn't fucking realise when he's actually upsetting me. I NEVER want to fucking discuss university, UCAS or anything fucking related - so when he's on a fucking rant about it, I'm obviously not going to be happy about it.
Then the fucking arsehole has the nerve to tell me to grow up and he doesn't understand my problems. Well who the fuck cares? I don't want him to fucking understand - did I tell him to? Did I say I wanted him to? He doesn't fucking NEED TO. And when I'm answering someone with ONE WORD ANSWERS, that clearly fucking means I don't want to talk about whatever they're discussing.
And from fucking university to then talking about the bastard film sequence - WHICH HE KNOWS I don't want to assemble or even THINK about - so that got me even more upset.

I'm fucking lapsed out to fuck at the moment - I have been for the past few days, since around fucking Thursday. There's only one thing that can lift me from it, and it's not going to happen - so I'm soon to abandon all hopes of ever getting out of this one easily.

"I wont miss your arms around me, holding me tight."

"I wish I could scream out loud, that I love you. I wish I could say to you, don't go..."

And I know that no one has understood this yet. Why it hurts so much, why I can't believe in love. Why I can't trust my feelings any more. Because they say I will love again. Well, I might feel love again. But nothing has felt that right. And it hurts that anyone assumes they know what it's like if they're telling me to get over it.

Everything just feels like a lie. Without him, it feels wrong. I feel like I'm betraying him. Even though he's not mine, he still feels like mine. And I've been in love many times.

And of course, whenever it's over before you want it to be, you feel sad, and it doesn't feel right. But this time...

You just can't believe how right it felt, and still feels. Such a strong comfort, that we made love the second night after meeting. And it wasn't passionate, it wasn't in any heat of a moment...

It was gentle, and comfortable, and slow, and romantic. It was the most right thing I ever felt, being so close to him. Love has felt good, but nothing has ever felt this right.

And part of me still believes that we met for a reason. That we made love, and it meant something. And that maybe right now isn't the time, but that we'll find each other again, and will be together. I know... it sounds so silly. And my skeptism and pessimism says that's ridiculous. But I can't shake that belief. It felt too right to be wrong.

No one ever made me so happy. Nothing's ever made me hurt so much...

Now I think about ways to kill myself, every day. There's a window that could be so easy. I have pills, but it might not be guaranteed. There's trucks, but I might not die, either. I figure the window is the easiest and most certain... I almost did one night. But I texted my friend and he made me stay with him.

I just don't believe in love. I used to think everything happened for a reason, but there's been no reason for this. He just decided he didn't love me anymore. I didn't cheat on him, I didn't treat him badly, he said it had nothing to do with me. What did I do wrong? What did I do to deserve this?  I know bad things happen, but what am I to learn from this? Besides not to believe. To never trust my feelings again.


If you have any comments about you having gone through this and you got over it, you can shove it. : D

today has been pretty lame. i wasnt feeling social and i was avoiding people. i feel like a bitch for doing so, but sometimes i just want to be alone. i might've blown up like i always do and said something i'd regret. luckily i kept to myself. some dumbass fucked up alot of people's ceramics, they werent monitoring the kiln. and i had like 7 pieces in there, luckily none were messed up, they were just discolored from what they were supposed to be.

there was a guy i used to have a crush on in h.s., he died yesterday. it's really tragic the way he died. it's sad that happened to him. i always remember his eyes, they're so pretty. he seemed like a nice guy, always smiling. idk him but rest in peace man

 

i didn't take my medicine today, because i thought i had an exam. but the exam is scheduled for this thursday. the medication makes my mind forget alot of stuff. i think i wrote about it before. so i skipped taking it today for the exam, n i been feeling shitty all day. but at least i get more prep time for the exam. and i actually thing i will do good this on this one. i don't think im going to feel good tomorrow, i am gonna wait to take my medicine till around noon, so the mornings going to be horrid. im goin to donate plasma in the morning, i try to avoid taking medicine before that, so the medication doesnt just get washed out in the plasmapheresis process.

 

i had a good nap today, but i was freeeeezing when i woke up. i had several blankets around me, idk why i was freezing so bad. my mom said i should get my thyroid checked. or i might be anemic.

 

i'm feeling really sad. i don't know what to do to make it go away anymore. usually i would just play video games, but i don't feel like doing that anymore.

 

there is a weird dude that has been bugging me alot to play games with him, and then he got all bitchy because i wouldn't download n play games with him some days ago. he's such a fucking weirdo, he kept asking me to move with him, im thinking wtf are you a serial killer o que. he was being really annoying. i need to block that dude. he's wack

 

i want to do something tomorrow. something alone. i guess i'm getting used to being a loner. because thats what i have always been, and it's what i always will be. so what can i do other than embrace it. i think i'll go take a walk in the forest, or go to the movies by myself. i cant think of anything else. i want to ride my bike but i don't have a bike anymore.

 

 

I need to fix this.
I need to do my homework on time every week.
I need to set my priorities up a little bit better.
I need to remember how much I hate being rumdrunk. I hate it a lot. My body just absorbs it and I don't feel nearly as drunk as I am, and then I feel like complete and total shit the next day.
I need to take care of myself.....not embarrass myself.



fuckme.