Fuck @ MindSay

We're not talking about Cheney at this point.

^{You fuck 'em.}

^{Fuck 'em fuck 'em fuck 'em.}

^{That's exactly what you do.}

 

 

^{_{By the way, I've started to stick my middle finger down my throat as if to say FUCK YOU FOOD.}}

_{^{I'm not gonna be bulimic I'm just gonna be pretty, betch ;)}}

Fucking shit this is so not my fucking week dude. Fer Real!

 

Well chuck told me last night that he really liked Sara. ok I  dont really care but then this morning Rayaena tells me and sara that shes going out with Chuck since last night. so Sara is half about to cry because he pretty much got her hopes up high and he was probably just going to use her. How fucked up is that. Well we sat down and fucking were hella fucking late to biochemistry. Its stupid.

 

then in that class its just so fucking gay you have no idea. OMFG! The teacher is a fucking weirdo! i swear! The second I say something negative she flips out on me. its like what the fuck does she have against me?!

 

Then tony is being a totaly dick weed! fucking shit. i told alex that he would probably have sex with her a thousand times more than he would with me and she asked and I guess he realized i said something about it because this morning he gave me a fucking dirty ass look and fucking looked at Alex and said so loud! and Im not even kidding, but he said it in the ruddest voice ever "Alex I WILL fuck you" and then he walked off and fucking shit it was so stupid. I dont know how to change shit dude!

 

Then I was talking with Jackie yesterday and she says I need to ignore all the bad things. that maybe I should change into the person I want to be. What do I want to be? a hardcore person? Fuck no. i want to be normal. nota prep but the way I am is normal. yet I hate who I am inside. you see what Im saying? its just so fucking stupid and I cant handle how people always say this stupid shit about me when they dont evemn know me

 

I fucking hate my life so much right now. last night I was about to overdose. i seriously was. And all because Im alone...I have no one and no one is out there........so for everyone who always tells me that someone's outhere for me.....get a fucking clue and realize....I HAVE NO ONE IN THIS FUCKING WORLD!!!!!!

Wow, everything I thought was going to be apparently isn't.

If this is all for revenge I feel it. Like none other. And it makes me so ashamed for what I've done. This mountain of bullshit I have created and the mountain of regret I have within myself. She is my backbone. I've let that go.

 

I don't know what else to do now. He's here. I'm nothing. She says I am but I still miss her more.

 

She's moving on though. With another that I never would have thought. I threw my whole life away and now I have to watch my world burn. I burned these bridges and I was late to the construction yard to try to rebuild them. Fucking watch. It never has the right time.

 

I see beauty in the whole world around me. And I've learned some things while away. I know how to show it. I know how to take the small things I used to sweat and turn them in to other things. Fun times, good times, a time to do something together. A time when we could just smile instead.

 

So now I'm going to try to get past this. I'm not sure how. I only have a few close people right now. And I seem to be self medicating all too much lately. I don't like that. I want to be back on solid ground this much I've learned as well. She's my everything and yet I let her count the stars alone. I put her on a ship and set her a sail and she's now seeing the world that I should have seen with her. My heart is in my stomach and all I want to do is pull it out. But I can't. I have a feeling it will be there for a while.

 

I wish I was the only one that would do.

I'm getting very tired of being talked AT. Tired of listening to stories of people I don't care about. Losers without real jobs (but with serious coke habits) that I don't enjoy on any level. I don't go out because downtown St. Pete is even worse than it was a year ago.

The circus has come to town and left all its carnies behind.

The last two people I've hung out with have done nothing but talk. Talk all OVER me, talk around me, and generally not ever shutting the fuck up. Or trying to fight people in Tampa. Or going on and on about this person on a bike and that person on a bike, and who hits on you and who won't leave you alone.

Seriously? At 26 this is all I get? What the fuck? Where is the line between normal and fuck up because I totally toe it and can't stand the extreme of either.

Why can't people just be satisfied with themselves to the point where they shut their trap and enjoy their company. God knows I wish I could... but your flapping jaws are kind of halting that.