Frustration @ MindSay

My sister-in-law, who lives down the street, just walked over as I am sitting on the porch with my laptop to chat with me, and the topic turned to God and why He allows things to happen in our lives we don't understand. I wondered aloud along with her at the mystery of Our Lord and His ways, and He told us His ways are not ours, yet there are times when life seems so crazy I would just like a glimpse into "His ways" for some security of future days and a sigh of relief for momentary lapses of reasons.

 

But then I think, how would we ever grow in Our Lord? How would our trust ever become stronger, how would our faith blossom in His grace if we didn't have the trials, the fires, the battles, the lost moments? We wouldn't. And as difficult as it is to be in the midst of the fires of life sometimes, my dear friends and others who are reading this.....hang on. Just hang on.

 

Soon we will understand.

 

Joseph

For whatever reason- I can't let 'it' go. This must be something I really need to deal with. From what approach, I haven't figured out yet. Naughty me, I've been hiding from people to keep from having to confront repeat issues- and this one found me by going through someone I've only seen TWICE.

 

In essence, I can't rightly define the fear right now. I know a small part of the primary problem is just wanting to be somewhere, go somewhere in life, do something necessary and valuable, scrapping to get it done- then having some jackass throw a stick in the spokes. I'm always in the habit of putting so much energy, so much focus into things and then someone- someone I hardly think of- nonchalantly negates my endeavors. Is it about coping with bumps in the road? Maybe. I don't know. I usually charge right up to, over and around things. I think part of it is the approach. The shitty underhanded approach. Maybe it's about dealing with those in 'authoritative positions'. I did this personality thing the other day during a break from work and the results read that people in my category typically 'had issues with authority figures'- especially those who abuse their power.

 

Well, ain't that the biggest fucking understatement of the year.

 

All I know is that something about this whole situation stokes the deepest area, the core of that deep seated anger that is really not a good idea to fuck with. Part of me thinks it is just grief that never got all the way out. Grief that festered into something very, very nasty.

 

I keep rolling around with this. Gnats. I call these issues gnats because they keep flying in your face no matter how many times you wave them off. This gnat is not going away. The issue still pisses me off and when something nags at you this much, there's no 'letting it go' or 'blowing it off'. Not for me. When there's a weed in the yard, I don't cut it down and 'hope it goes away'- I dig it out with a backhoe. I want it dealt with and gone.

 

I don't know where this is all stemming from but when I find out, put your hard hats on. Ethel's coming with the large machinery.

I've had too many other "situational stressors" to know whether he should change my meds or not.  He did after all change them last time, and the time before.  This logic does make sense to me on all levels.  I've experienced hilarity and comradeship at work with the other ladies of the "back office" when we laugh at situations of day to day work life and our similar reactions to some of the ridiculous stuff we encounter.  By the time I'm home, I'm tired and all hilarity has worn off.  I just want to sit and do nothing but watch tv or read or sit w/the laptop. 

Am I just pissed off coming home w/no energy and K still not working?  Is my apathy competing with his?  He seems to have lost all inclination to get things done and look for a job.  How do I light a fire under him when I'm still searching for a spark for myself?  I feel like I use every last ounce of me when at work.  I don't have anything left to lift him up when I get home except for thinly veiled comments/questions about his activities of the day. 

I don't like the person I feel I'm becoming when I come home.  I don't like the person I see him becoming.  The whole situation is just upside down. 

The Dr. recommended that I rest this week that we're off work.  That makes sense, but the other carbuncle of a house is still waiting to get a big load of crap taken out and that won't happen if I don't arrange times to do it and accompany him there.  He needs to seek professional help with a therapist and employment office or it's not going to get better.  We've both got the same ADD personality, but he's unmedicated and unmotivated to seek help for it. 

Only one more after this... told you the journal didn't end up amounting to much.

 

Monday, January 14, 2008

 

The decent, civil conversation from Saturday, the tentative kindness and reluctant but comforting embrace, what I thought might be a step in the right direction all fell apart again yesterday.

 

I tried to start a conversation in the spirit of what was said on Saturday, to expand on that and try to bring her closer again.  But suddenly, all the blame was being placed on me again.  I'm not saying I'm not to blame, I know I have things to work on, but the difference in her attitude, her outlook, from Saturday to Sunday was like night and day.  I got frustrated, I got angry.  I didn't mean to, didn't want to, but it happened.  And, I don't mind.  I think she needed to see me show some anger.  She needed to hear some of the things I had to say.  But, she didn't like it.  As soon as the discussion gets difficult, as soon as she loses a little bit of all the control she's had over the whole situation, she tries to walk out the door again.  She needs to be talking, we need to be communicating, but she can't do it.  I don't know who she's talking to.  She barely talked to E, she won't talk to C after she told her she was making the biggest mistake of her life, she won't go to counseling, and she wants her space from me.

 

I may have said a couple things I didn't really mean, and I fear I may have pushed her even farther away, but a part of me doesn't care anymore.  I'll keep trying, keep fighting for this, but there's also a part of me that figures if she's giving up, what's the point of trying anymore?  I mean, I'm so lost, so confused by everything, I just don't know what to do anymore.

 

I don't think she knows what's going on, don't think she knows what she wants.  The difference in her from Saturday to Sunday is proof of that.

 

I don't know, I've been talking about it so much today and going over so much in my mind, I can't write any more tonight.  I'm just too lost, too hurt to go over it anymore.

 

One last thought..  Does she think that if I had known she was hurt and unhappy, that I would have done nothing to change that?  But, I couldn't see it, and she doesn't say anything, so here we are.

I pretty much lost my mind last night. Threw a vase..which broke of course. It missed the window but hit the edge of the sill and broke a piece of wood off. The vase had a lot of little marble like glass decorations in it which went everywhere of course. It also had some old flower petals and shells. It made a huge mess. While trying to clean that up I got more frustrated and irritated and knocked over the little shelf that had my little pots of plants started in them. And some candle holders and a few other knickknacks. Most of the things were fine except for one candle holder top that broke. The plants went everywhere:( some had dirt on their roots still but some didn't. At that point I realized I was totally nuts. And just stopped for a few minutes and went and got R to help. The plants are now back in their pots and hopefully will recover. They are all mixed up now and I have no idea which is which. Thats not a problem if they keep growing cause it will show eventually. The rest of the mess is almost cleaned up now.

I talked to a friend of mine who has always had a temper problem. He told me that when I start getting frustrated or irritated or downright angry to sit down and write it out. Sounds like a good idea. Hopefully I will remember when I need to.