Frustration @ MindSay 
anger
There was this lovely woman, kind, very kind in fact, who did anything and everything she could for those around her. She cherished her friendships and relationships, taking great care to let those she knew in her life that she loved know that they were of extreme value to her. She didn't have worldly wealth, but she always helped out, held doors, offered a helping hand wherever she could. She gave of herself, when she could, wherever she could.
She did this with the most attention for her Mother, a wonderful woman who had become a widow 15 months earlier. She did this out of love for her Mother, the woman who gave her life, her Mother, her confidante, her best friend, the one person who loved her unconditionally since birth, someone who never judged her even when she did things that were others thought were foolhardy or risky. Her Mother who always took the time to talk to her, to listen to her cry, to just be there for her, day or night, no matter what. This was reason enough. However, she did this most especially because of the vow she made to him on his death bed. "Take care of Momma for me" he struggled to get out in his raspy voice. The voice had been ravaged by tubes and surgeries. 6 weeks of laying there having gone through every indignity possible, and he fought every one of them, all the while telling them he loved them. Telling them how much he would miss them, how special they were.
He Died, leaving a sadness within their hearts. They all grieved and gradually all moved on. She struggled as the go between with her siblings as they disagreed on any number of things that needed to be done, some regarding the worn down home they all grew up in, some regarding their Beloved Mother. She listened as she was talked to like an old dried up spinster with no life who should get a life and not spend so much time with her Mother cringing inside realizing that they don't have a clue just how close she was to her Mother. She felt sad thinking that he would not ever know how wonderful Mom was because he never took the time to ever really listen to her, or to get to know her as a person beyond the "Mother" that she was. She was an incredible woman, funny, sweet, loving and kind this Mother of ours. Strong beyond belief to have endured a lifetime of pain, with a faith in humanity and God that sustained her on her darkest days. They didn't know her at all! But I do! And I won't give her up, not because of selfish reasons though. Not because I feel like my life is somehow being cheated. Not because I have no time for me (I have as much as I need/want). Not because I need friends my own age as I have been told! I won't give her up because of my love for her. I won't give her up because of my respect for her thoughts, opinions and feelings, and most importantly...
I won't give her up because of that Promise!
I will take care of her Dad!
I PROMISE!
Why are you so against me getting to actually see you in concert? I am a very nice girl, and I shower pretty regularly (that's once a day in girl world). I even do silly things like donate blood, give money to charity, and teach kids with severe special needs; a lot of people think things like I just listed are examples of good karma.
And yet... and yet, I still have not seen you in concert since I was about a freshman or sophomore in high school (age 15 max...I'm now 24). I wasn't even a fan of yours back then; I knew a few songs, but I saw you guys play because you were opening for other bands (hell, I spent most of one of the shows just wishing Ian would put a friggin' shirt on!) I actually wanted to see. I've only really been listening to your music since about October of 2007. I think I've made up for lost time in the fan department, because I've let you guys creep up into my top 5 these last 2 years, but I still haven't gotten to see you play your music.
There was that botched show last September, where I had to leave at 10 to make the last train home at 12:30 (I FUCKING HATE NEW JERSEY STILL, BTW), and when I was still standing there at 10:15, my friend pissed at me because she swore we'd miss the train (we didn't), you still hadn't taken the stage. Not even one damn note. I got to see ISHC, and you picked great opening acts, but...too numerous.
And you KICKED ASS at the Bamboozle, where you played Green Day proud, but of course, I couldn't go on Saturday when you were playing yourselves.
And now, you're going on tour with Dashboard, DASHBOARD, another act I've been waiting to see since I was 14...and every damn show that in theory I could get to... I can't get to. Why aren't any of the shows that I could conceivably drive to (or hell, I'd fly to Chicago or someplace else I wanna go anyway) on Saturday nights? Or even shows more local to me on Friday nights? I realize I'm probably gonna have to go alone because I don't know anyone here. Fine. I'll be that girl.
....but give me a chance to fucking GO.
Incredibly Frustrated,
Emily
Everyone keeps asking me what's next and I cringe because I have nothing to tell them. I finish working for the Peregrine Fund next week and I head back for home with some fantastic memories and some more money in the bank.
I loathe job hunting. In the wildlife career its all about your experience, and even when you have enough experience you don't always get the job or there's no salary or there's no housing available or its just too far away. I keep running into this day after day of searching. It's very frustrating...
he's just going to go watch a movie with his best friend and won't be back til like 12:30. and i'm working anyway, it's not like we could go out instead or even go with his best friend because i'm stuck watching this old lady. but it's not really the fact that he's going to go watch a chick flick with another girl that bugs me. it's the fact that as long as we've been dating he's had this super strict curfew. seriously, getting to hang out with him until 11 is a miracle. his mom has these ridiculous rules even though he's 18 and graduated and i can't do a damn thing about it. and we're almost out of time, you know? the fairy tale is about to come to a screeching halt in about 5 days. school starts and then nothing will be the same. he'll be too busy for me or i'll be the same and we won't have this kind of time anymore. the entire summer my mom has been telling me to go ahead and enjoy it while it lasts but i won't be able to anymore. i've felt this whole time like his mom doesn't trust me or support us being together and i feel like tonight just confirmed it. if kris wanted to take me to a movie at 10 at night there's no way his mom would ever be ok with it but he's allowed, no, encouraged to stay out with her until 12:30 or later? how am i supposed to feel? i'm not even worried about who it's with, not at all really. i know they're just friends, but it hurts that they can spend this kind of time with eachother and i can't. it's like he never even wants to. anytime we go somewhere he's always in this huge rush to get me home even when my mom says we can stay out late. and his mom wants to know where he is 24/7. and we can't stay out late once school starts so it's something he can do with someone else but not me.
and i know i'm being stupid and selfish and unfair but that doesn't help this feeling go away. i thought i was done being jealous but i think it's just that i'm scared of running out of time. i love him so much and i'm tired of opportunities being taken away from us.
i wish i could be better for him.
;D
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im extremely frustrated
i had to change my name and email on here because im nervous thataj is going to find my blogs and read them all. theres nothing wrong with anything i write, but its my stuff, like... i suppose what im trying to say is its personal [even though you guys read it AND its on the internet]. the thing is that i think that you and i share a form of comradery because we are fellow bloggers. he on the other hand is an outsider...
im not making any sense
but anyways, he told me he was curious and he might start looking for me unless i showed him one of my blog entries of my own accord
what should i do?
i feel slightly violated and he doesnt understand that im being serious when i dont want to tell/show him
help?
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