Frustrated @ MindSay

I was really hoping John McCAin would redeam himself today. I usually vote republican, but with Sarah Palin on the ticket McCAin would have to work really hard to get my vote.

My problem with palin is NOT what most people would think. it's not her stand on abortion. It's her record on the disabled. She CUT funding to special olympics.And a good part of her balancing alsasks's budget was done by CUTTING respit care to families with special needs children,home aid, medical assistance. These are all VITAL services if you have a special needs child that you want to keep at home instead of in a medical institution. And if she did it in Alaska she might do it if she became president. And yet, she claims to be our "friend" as a mother with a special needs child.

And there are LOADS of problems with McCain. For starts, we tried his economic policies for the past 8 years and we aint exactly doing brilliantly. Then theres his involvement with the Keating 5. That would be a savings and Loan scandel. Do we want someone connected to a savings and loan scandal in charge with the current economy? Oh and he voted no on a bill that would help Veterens. And he's just so rude! I can't believe how he (a) called Obama "That one" and (b) turned away wwhen Obama went to shake his hand. And don't even get me started on McCain's health care plan and how it wouldn't work for anyone who can be denied health insurance due to pre existing conditions.

Does this mean I love Obama? NOPE! But it comes down to my interests(republican for the most part) and what is better for the country.(ufortunately probably democratic right now) Right now the important issues are the economy,education and healthcare(basics) not PERSONAL values. We can rebuild the "bedroom issues" once the country is no longer about to implode.

Wanna know why I'm frustrated? Well whether you care or not I have to get it out of my head:

• Obama's running mate stinks of raw meat and compost to me. I just DO NOT LIKE him at all. McCain picked the person I would rather see as VP mostly b/c she is pro-life and pro-homeschool.
• I feel the need to make up a schedule of things for my daily life, but I can't bring myself to do it because I hate trying to be consistent, since it only lasts for a short time and I always fail. Even with the most general of schedules, I still fall short. I am sick.of.it.
  
• want my husband to get his alternative job tucked away NOW so the day when he says THAT IS IT won't give us a gap between. The only reason he is gritting his teeth and going through day after day at this job is b/c the other one has not firmed up yet.
• I am sitting in silence waiting for the inevitable stomping of the upstairs neighbors coming home and ruining my zen-like moment of peace.
• The in-laws have my child this weekend and are holding him hostage till my husband physically comes to get him, which is going to completely ruin my start back to homeschool schedule. They do this EVERY YEAR!!! * the simple solution: dont let them have the kid : does not work in this situation. nothing is ever as simple as that in this family *
  
• I have so much to get done and I am trying to slow my mind/body down to do it all in small increments so I don't get overwhelmed, but my brain is still screaming "BUT THIS >>> BUT THAT <<<< " Ack!!!
• I have a migraine....*sigh*
  

So after what happened last night (and maybe I over reacted) I really don't know what to do anymore. I understand why Christi and I have had continued problems throughout the past year but hell who knows if that will change.

 

Part of me feels like giving up. I don't know that anything is ever going to be good again. But I feel like giving up makes me weak. And you know you can't make someone change. You can't make someone see your point of view. This is why I think maybe I should give up and get over it. I'm sure we'll both be fine. I love her. I've never loved anyone like I love her but you can't make someone love you in return.

 

I mean I've been reading over these past entries. I see my mistakes. I can work so they don't happen that way again. I can make her feel a way I've not let her feel in a long time. I see these mistakes like I've never seen them before. I may have said I saw them in the past but I don't think I really did. Not the way I do now.

There was a time in my life when I thought I knew what I was doing and where I was going. A time when I was strong. Independent. A time when I knew who I was, or at least thought I did. Not anymore. I'm clueless. I have no idea what I am supposed to be doing, where I am going or even who and what I am.

Depression sucks.

It sucks the life out of you. It sucks the life out of the ones you love and that love you. It shuts you off from the world.

I have no idea how I got here and what's worse is I have no idea how to get out. I have had to cry my heart out and beg for help assuring them I would be dead if I did not receive help. They help until they feel you can move on but you can't. You want to talk, you need to cry and vent and yell and scream. You want the pain to stop and go away, leave you forever with no chance of it returning. You want to hear yes, it happened and no, it was not your fault. You need and want someone that really understands. You want your sister back because she was the only one who knew and understood.

No one understands that.