Frienship @ MindSay 
friends
I understand that The Lord is with me. I understand that I'm never really alone. In days not long past I was perfectly okay with abstract comforts from the other side. And I suppose if I had no other option I still would be. But something in me has changed since September. I'm not the same anymore. I've developed, or at least unearthed a strange need to be somebody's friend. I desire friendship. It feels like I shouldn't. It feels like I should be okay with my solemn silent ways. And I am. But I'd rather (for the first time since I was small) share that with someone else. And not just anybody; I want to share my friendship with someone like me.
I miss the days long, long past when I was always one pea in a pod of two. Jake, Rilee in first, then Sean, Aaron, Lexie. I guess Alisa and I in the very farthest reaches of my memory spent a lot of time together before they pulled up roots and moved a little further away.
Things were just never the same after Rilee and Aaron moved away. I haven't hardly spoken to them since. You know what's strange, that just comes to mind now? I remember Rilee's old phone number. I remember when they came out with the 'dial down the center with 1-800-collect' comercial I had to laugh a bit, because you dialed down the center to get her phone number.
I remember I used to torment that particular phone number with prank calls all the time, until they invented caller ID. I think I made her mad.
My memories of those days are beginning to fade. I didn't lock them so tight in a time capsule like I did my memories with Alisa. Yet, the memories of Northridge are so much more recent than the others, so there is more there to begin with. What's more, they exist in somebody else's mind as well. This is why I have witheld continuation of my novel. One day I wanted to get together with Rilee and Lexie and reminiss, hopefully get some more ideas of what was important to them, what they remember, then I can finish. That manuscript I've printed, that 116 someodd pages of work, no, that's more of a pre-write. I really don't know what about those days was so powerful as to get me to reimerse myself in those memorae, but I feel this constant pull towards those things, those friendships, those adventures.
One time I need to make a list of the 'fantasies' (if that is truely what they were) we enacted. I will then select the ones that I can mold into a story. I know somewhat where it is going to go, but I didn't like the way it got there in the prewrite. There was much less there than needed to be. I covered too much time in so little writing. There was so much I had to leave out for sheer lack of...well...anything. Cronologically having this story appeal to my expost facto obsession is just difficult.
When I finish this project, be that in five years or a hundred, I feel I will finally be able to make peace with this strange Gift that caries with it such obsession, such sentimentality from which there is no escape. It feels more human to be so attatched, but at the same time It's a difficult thing to try and walk through the motions of life day after day instead of spending all day in a self-indulgent internal memior of nostalgic thought.
We had the Kings over for dinner tonight. I love spending time with the twins. Sister King, bless her heart, endures so much, and what's worse, she does the same thing I do. She must have endured similar rhetorical bully propoganda that she cannot beleive that she is not self-indulgent or overstepping her social confines by speaking to us, to anybody. She cannot wrap her mind around the fact that she matters to us, that her oppinions are valued. What's more, I don't think there are very many members of our sunday school class that give her the kind of reasuurance she needs. There are only four of us that openly do so, and two of them are her own daughters. That should not cheapen the effect, but let's be honest, it does. A cute girl telling me I'm sweet is more meaningful than my mother saying so. It's sad, but true.
The twins...I wish I could spend more time with them. They're a year older than I am. They are much more grown up than I am. But i think we have mroe in common than they admit. Especially Kaitlyn. Both of them grew up much the same way I did. They're the babies, and by a good number of years too. I see signs that they grew up in the same social hierarchy that I did, and occupied the same slot on the totem pole food chain. It was the roll of people like them and me to be stepped on by the popular crowd. It gave them a sense of satisfaction. I think for them their frustration and sadness at their role was similarly undealt with. They, like me, must now reconcile that.
Kaitlyn and I spent a long time talking when I made her ASL video for her. There was nothing else to do. We had to wait for hours during capture, translation, copy, copy, cut, post-production, the whole mess took a dang long time. But it was nice. I spent most of the day just talking with her. She'd try to describe difficult things about her personality. I understood much better than she thought I would. On more than one instance I was able to find coherent ways to express what she was trying to tell me. Why did I understand so well? How can I not? I feel, act, in deed I am in very many ways similar to her.
And not just her. Kristy is much the same, but because she is more appearantly outgoing it is hard to detect. She told me one time that she is not social by nature, but she tries very hard to act outgoing and inclusive despite her inate personality. Or rather, I told her that such was my disposition, and she told me that I had accurately described hers.
The twins are as different as they are alike, if such a dualistic concept is possible. I have no trouble at all telling them apart. Even at long distances it is easy to tell. Yes, their faces give them away, but even if they didn't I would be able to tell. Kristy walks straiter, her eyes jumping around calmly but quickly, as if she consciously does not wish to dwell on thoughts very long. Kaitlyn, like me, will stare absently as she walks at a tree or a bird or a crack in the sidewalk. If she's like me, then her thoughts are not on the tree or bird or sidewalk at all; that just provides something convenient for her eyes to do as her thoughts sink deep as her mind dwells upon them. But then, there is so much about them I don't know, so I can't say for sure. Much of this is hypothesis based on observations of subconcious anomalies that seem similar to mine.
They have their own friends, their own age, from their own neighborhoods. I think though (hypothesizing) that they feel much the same way about their friends as I do mine. Perhapse I only wish they do, for if such was the case it would be a good experience to befriend them; true friendship.
But it is difficult because for the same reasons. They have enclosed themselves. They are caring and loving girls but have done much like I have. Ever since my friends all moved away, the attatchment, that comradery, that close friendship that we had left with them, at in the absence of such things, my heart ached. Subconsciously I have built walls around me, refusing to get too close for fear of the same sense of internal lamentation. Is it a farce to imagine that their walls are of the same brick and mortar?
Of course, five minutes talking with Hannah - REALLY talking - and all walls brake down. She has a penatrating power, it is near impossible to keep thoughts and feelings from her.
That aside, I would be willing to open myself up emotionally to the King twins if I could. If they'd let me. I fear that even if my wishfull hypothesies were correct that it would still be a long shot that they would feel the need as strongly as I do to find that kind of friendship. And besides that they have each other. I know that that can be a bittersweet relationship, but at least they've always got somebody they can turn to.
Not that I don't. But it would still be nice to have that kind of friendship as I have hardly known since those days past. Hannah was that person for a while, but I fear that the chasm my feelings for her have created has become unspannable. I don't think she has the capacity to fill the desire for frienship I have at this time. She's wonderful when she's around, but then ten miles is a fair distance, some days more than others.
The nights first tear.
And even when she is around, my nerves collapse and I become the sullen, meloncholy, ypained person I try so hard not to be. It's not her fault of course, but that does not lessen the pain that her presence can occasionally cause me.
The last time I saw her though, yesterday if it was not a dream, was a good visit, though short and emotionally shallow. Such shallowness and detatchment and emotional distance seem to make up the fabric of our relationship these days. It's a sad way to live, but not nearly so sad as the alternative; openness with each other.
So no, I do not feal utterly alone. The strength of my brothers from the far side of eternity are with me much more than I realize, and the spirit of my God is near me so very often. That total, chilling, heart-stopping alone feeling has faded into the most distant of memories, because I have only felt it when in the gall of my own weakness, which thing I have left long behind me. I am never alone. I feel the strength of wonderful, perfect beings that love me and have an active concern for me. I don't want to take away from the significance of that, however...
-I hate to include a 'however'-
I still feel alone in the lesser sense of the word, in the temporal and emotional sense. I desire friendship. On this side. Is that wrong? Should I just be satisfied with a distant but also deep friendship with a distant rose, with the unseen presence of a real but abstract God?
Or can I long for more?
The second tear.
This blog has three purposes:
1. Happy Valentine's Day MindSay =)
awww he's cute!
But this is my note to you, Mindsay:
I love you all with all of my heart. You are the most amazing people I have ever met in my entrie life. I thank you for what you have given me. I would spend a life time giving it back. I want you to know, that on this day, and everyday, I love you. Thank you for the support and giggles and everything wonderful you have given me. You are all truly angels, and I love you just the same! Thank you, and know, you've always got a friend in me. And in true Mindsay way:
2. To my Angel, Eugenio, Happy Love Day!!
Eugenio, my angel. I love you more than life itself. I would give my life for you. You are the reason why I am standing here today, talking to you and living my life. You give me meaning. You are the person in my life that I feel completly comfortable with, and the one I want to grow old with. You are my saving grace. Life without you would be meaningless and I would not be me. I love you so much, and I NEVER want you to forget it. Days will go on, people will grow up, things will change, but one thing that will never change, is that I will always be in love with your smile, your charm, you laugh, your eyes, your voice, your hair, your hands, your soul, your heart, and more over you. ti amo para sempre angel. luafb <3
3. HAPPY ANNIVERSARY HANA!!!
Today is a day about love, yes, I will agree to that, but today, is an even more important to me. It was the day that I met my Hana. My beautiful Hana. She is 13 hours ahead of me, she lives in Malaysia. But time and distance has not stood between us. We have our dreams of meeting, and having tea in France under the Effiel Tower. Jade is one of the sweetest and most loving people I have ever met. And, what a day to have an anniverary of meeting than on Valentine's day. Today marks exactly ONE year of being friends. Best Friends at that. She has been such a good person to me, and we have exchanged addresses and I have sent her gifts before, and her to me. It was amazing to have something she got for me. I read her letter all the time. She has beautiful handwriting. I am moved to tears when I think about how much of a positive influence she has had on my life. I love taking to her. I have talked to her on the phone a few times, and what I wouldn't do to hear her voice again, and to hear her laugh. She has such a sweet laugh. She's been so positive for me, to me and everything for me. I just hope that I am this to her as well. Jade, while I type this [ as I typed the other two paragraphs] I am moved to tears because no matter how far your are, know that everyday I pray for you, think of you and wish you were here. One day we will meet, we will drink tea, and we will hug each other. Why? Because I want it more than anything in the world. You are an angel, and I love you so much. What better day to have met you on a day that is more represented with love. Happy One Yeart Anniversary my sweet Hana =)
This is a comment that I said to Hana about sending her a gift, and having my love in it. It is from the top of her blog.
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And ending this now, I want you to know that I love you All, and this entry is awesome!
Yay for love!!!
I hope you all find some aspect of love today.
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!
did you reall think that I would go a whole entry an not wish this hottie a Happy Valentine's Day?
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY JOHN MAYER!!!!!!!!!!
WHOO WHOO!
HOT STUFF!!
[i think this is one of my fav pics of him... damn I love you John Mayer <3]
Alanis seems to have the answer:
i'll give you countless amounts of outright acceptance if you want it
i will give you encouragement to choose the path that you want if you need it
you can speak of anger and doubts your fears and freak outs and i'll hold it
you can share your so-called shame-filled accounts of times in your life and i won't judge it
and there are no strings attached to it
you owe me nothing for giving the love that i give
you owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
i give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege
and you owe me nothing in return
you can ask for space for yourself and only yourself and i'll grant it
you can ask for freedom as well or time to travel and you'll have it
you can ask to live by yourself or love someone else and i'll support it
you can ask for anything you want anything at all and i'll understand it
and there are no strings attached to it
(chorus)
i bet you're wondering when the next payback shoe will eventually drop
i bet you're wondering when my conditional police will force you to cough up
i bet you're wondering how far you have now danced your way back into debt
this is the only kind of love as i understand it that there really is
you can express your deepest of truths even if it means i'll lose you and i'll hear it
you can fall into the abyss on the way to your bliss i'll empathize with
you can say that you have to skip town to chase your passion and i'll hear it
you can even hit rock bottom have a midlife crisis and i'll hold it
and there are no strings attached to it
I have been able to develop life-long bonds with my colleagues that I intend to continue to nurture, for one day I plan to visit each of my friends in their part of the world. My roommates and I have developed a special bond from sharing different experiences together, realizing our faults and our strengths together, and engaging in extremely lengthy conversation over dinner, or at our apartment at nights that sometimes welcome the morning sun, together.
I have pitched the questions to my roommates to learn their perspective and reasons for:
-Why they wanted to study abroad?
-What they planned to achieve?
-And what would you advise/recommend someone wanting to study abroad?
Their responses were as follows:
Jennifer, a Marketing major and a very adventurous individual who has already travelled to Europe before, Mexico, and experienced a Caribbean cruise said that she chose to study abroad to gain “a better understanding of different cultures and to differentiate [her] résumé from others, as well as to make herself more marketable in the workplace.” She wants to, “achieve a greater appreciation for different cultures, and improve [her] French language skills while building international contacts.” Jennifer would recommend to, “anyone that is studying abroad to have a little experience in the language before arriving, (if going to a country with a different language to one’s mother tongue).” She also advises, “to prepare mentally and emotionally, to expect to have trouble adjusting to a new place because as we all know ‘there’s no place like home,’ and most importantly to research the area travelling to, so you would know a little bit about its culture.”
Kimberly, a New Zealand born triple major in International Business, History, and Politics, who resides in Australia and previously travelled to Indonesia said that she, “thought studying in a foreign environment would be challenging and extremely beneficial for the program in which [she’s] enrolled in”. [She] has lived in Australia, Perth for the most part of [her] life, so [she] saw studying abroad as a fantastic travel opportunity.” She hopes to achieve primarily, “knowledge, experience and culture,” She also wanted to, “learn how to speak French fluently, make connections with people from diverse backgrounds from around the world, and gain independence from back home.” She would advise, “to have no expectations, to be willing to compromise, to enjoy yourself, and to know that you’re in for a ride.”
My own thoughts will come next...
I felt so stupid today. I was sitting in the car with dad driving past Yatala on our way to the Hyperdome when I got a text. I opened it up, and my god, it's certainly one way to make me want to shrink away and hide from embarrassment.
Oh good lord, did someone get the wrong idea. I had no intention of going anywhere without you on Friday night lol. I thought I said that.
I felt sooooo stupid. Well atleast I'm loved :)
I had a good day. As I said, dad and I whent to the hyperdome. We got the cover for my phone and I now finally know how to use the infrared on my phone. I felt stupid again when the woman showed me how to use it and I had been fiddling with that exact same thing the night before. I'm become illiterate to anything technical, what's going on??? We got me two new pairs of pj's, I look so cute in them. One is Felix The Cat and the other are tigers with tame and wild written all over them. They're fluffy and comfy and I don't care how much I look like a little kid in them. Dad shouted me lunch at the cafe near Eazy dvd. Soooo yummy, but soooo expensive. He was amazed when I ordered a mug of tea, I drink tea, and the smell of coffee makes me feel sick these day. We forgot to buy the mug I saw on our way out. It was a playboy bunny play mate of the year mug, I love playboy bunny :)
Dad spoilt me rotten today, it was good, I'm feeling really great. Well a bit sick after the Chinese I just ate, I swear that chicken was cat, didn't taiste anything like chicken. Oh well, I've left the rest of it for Joel and Justin to eat. Oh yes, Joel is staying with us for a couple of nights...his dad tried to kill himself last night. It's a long story and I just hope the Joel's little brother's friends are showing him enough support as Joel is getting from all of us.
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