Friend @ MindSay

I got a chance to catch up with my friend who is in rehab. He got a 12 hour pass today and was able to come and sit for a while. I was so happy to see him I nearly cried just driving over here. He had his daughter with him, and they all got along just swimmingly with my son. It was a good visit, even if it was a short one. I was promised another letter this week, so I am looking forward to that AND his 24 hour pass, which is to come in just another month!

I love him so much. I don't want to let him go. At the same time I do want to, so I can move on. But every time I start to let go, I get scared and I hold on tight again. I have nothing to move on to. I know he's not there for me any more but I don't want to be completely alone. I just want him to be what he was for me before. A good listener, someone who cared, called randomly, always cheered me up and never failed to make me laugh. He's everything I could ask for. Except, he was. I don't want to let go of that. I keep thinking under all of his ignoring me and the phonecalls where he passes me over to his girlfriend... that he somehow still cares. I give up and I try again and over and over again. He made me feel wanted and understood. I need to feel wanted and understood. No one else has made me feel the way he does.I just don't want to believe that he doesn't care anymore.

How can someone just stop caring, with nothing triggering it? Maybe he never did. But he must have, and I still feel he does. I'm prbably just being stupid and should have moved on long ago. I just can't. I don't want to. I need to know for sure that he doesn't care. I don't know if I can ever know that.


I almost wish he could read this and know how I'm feeling and how much he hurts me. To see if he cares the slightest bit.

hmmm...so this actually happened couple months ago, but since i haven't updated in so long...ill just let it all out...

during the two years at science&math, i roomed with my best friend named kimmy.  she's a vietnamese, buddhist, and really out going, whereas im a korean, christian, and more introverted.  we were pretty darn good roommates until when i came home for an extended weekend and found out from another friend from our home school that kimmy has been talking crap about me behind my back...so basically all my friends from home school have turned against me...T.T

so the things that she has been saying about me are:
-cindy tried to steal my boyfriend
-cindy stole my new dress and ripped the price tag off and wore it all day, and everyone thought it was her's and told her how cute it was...
-cindy always eat my food

and i can assure u all that none of this is true...i have a great boyfriend of my own, i can't even fit into her clothes cuz she's like 4 sizes bigger than mine, and we mutually share our food.

so i haven't confronted her about it because i found out a month before school ended, and since i wasn't going to room with her next year in college, i wanted to end our relationship in peace...and the fact that she did something like this to me really hurt me...

i thought we had such a good, healthy friendship...we had so many good memories together, we understood each other, and got along so well.  she was always so nice to me in my face, but talked crap about me behind my back.

...and wut kills me is that she got the "best personality" votes for the yearbook...--_--;
and we're going to the same college, and she's expecting us to be still really good friends...
the hell am i suppose to do?

It's funny how fast my moods can change.

 

Yesterday i said some pretty hurtful things to one of my best friends. I hate myself for saying it. I never thought that i would be the one to hurt him, but i did and when he hurts i hurt too. It's like i feel his pain. When something's wrong, i don't even have to ask, i just know.

I'm afraid he's going to stop opening up to me. He's like a closed book. For years i fought to get in, i never gave up and eventually he let me in, now he trusts me. When he's upset it feels like i'm being stabbed in the heart.

I just want him to be happy, he has so much potential. He has no idea how smart he is, he's the only person who understands me. He puts on this act that he's all confident but really he's a lost soul waiting for someone to reach him.

 

We have both been through the same kind of things, his dad left like mine did, so when i talk to someone with the perfect little family and they tell me that they know how i feel and how they're "sorry" it makes me mad because they have no idea what it's like. But Jamie, i can relate to him, he tells me that it's going to be okay and i believe him because i trust him.