Fresh Start @ MindSay

So at some point yesterday, when my hangover was finally beginning to subside, I decided that I was going to make an honest attempt at a month of sobriety. I say attempt, not because I think I am incapable, but simply because since I started really drinking I never gave the idea of stopping any pause. I am sure it will be a good thing. I can't say that alcohol has really done anything but cause me problems. It's fun at the time of course, but it feels like it has been far too many months. I am starting to realize that drinking every night is beginning to take a toll on me. Not just physically. Though there is that too. I can't remember the last day (aside from today) where I went to work without some measure of a hang over. I forgot what waking up without vertigo felt like. I forgot that once I didn't have to take a twenty minute shower just to get my head together. I forgot that energy drinks did something other than fuel my stomach ache.

There is more than that though. Like many alcoholics (though I do not consider myself to be one) I was settling into a routine. Every day after work I'd swing by the same shop and pick up a six. I'd start drinking far too late at night, and toward the end I was finishing it up when the birds were starting to sing. This, as one can most certainly imagine, is not a good thing as it results in the aforementioned morning. One I repeated far too many times. I was trying to get away from the physical aspect of it though. We've all said and done some indescribably stupid things at some point during our relationships with alcohol, but I've found that even if I didn't, which to my credit was most of the time, I would always wake and think that I did. It provoked a certain sense of guilt. Almost always. Like the fact that I drank at all was a wrong thing. It didn't stop me, of course, but in retrospect it probably should have.

It stopped being something I did socially almost immediately. Anywhere I went, a beer was involved, whether it was to snag a bite to eat with a friend, or simply kick it and watch a movie. Speaking of movies, yeah, every movie I saw in the theater I did intoxicated. Any new movie that someone talks about I always think to myself: "Oh yeah, I think I saw that in the theater, and I was trashed. Maybe that's why they think it sucked and I loved it."

It stopped being a compliment to things, it became the thing that everything else complimented.

As soon as I realized that, taking a break was obvious. I am shooting for thirty days, because it is a nice even number, but really, my goal is to go until drinking no longer really occurs to me as something to do in and of itself. I want to be able to have a beer with dinner, instead of dinner and a six for desert.

I am making myself sound really bad, I realize, but whatever.

This decision comes at a good time for me. Things are about to get really complicated financially, and dropping a grip of money on booze would not help that. Very soon I expect that I will not be able to drive my car for a while, and so I will be primarily be biking to work. Though the prospect of around ten miles a day on a bike does not sound at all appealing on one hand, the flip side is that I am going to be getting more exercise than I think I ever have before. A chance to work off whatever beer my liver couldn't process. By the end of this complicated period, I expect to come out of it in shape and on the right track.

Speaking of on the right track: I live with alcoholics. This also is not a good thing. I want to get the fuck out of here. That is a topic for another post though, to be sure. Certainly it will be longer and more heated than this one. More updates to come on that whole "riding a bike" thing. It's been so long, I hope I didn't forget how.

I need to get out of town. I need to get out of this valley. I don't have anything here for me anymore. I have Rilee and I have the studio, and as much as I love those it's not enough to tie me down here. I need to get away. There's so much baggage here, so much pain. I need to flee all that.

I love Kathryn. I love her with a passion and a longing that...well it's not going anywhere. I would give anything to be with her and that's a problem. I think it's going to be easier if she's some mysterious girl from a mysterious past that I don't ever feel the need to talk about.

I move out to some place and tell almost nobody where it is. Least of all her. I attend a new ward in a building twenty minutes outside of nowhere and get a job. Get an apartment. Make my own way. After a while I even start dating. There's a really sweet redhead I met in Sunday School and I take her to dinner. She asks me where I'm from because I have a funny accent and I give her a very generic answer that doesn't so much as point to what state I'm from, or even country. She asks me why I left and I dodge that answer too. We rent a movie and watch it back at my apartment, with obnoxious roommates in and out of the kitchen the whole time. We don't know each other well, but she gets cold and snuggles up next to me, and that's okay. She notices a picture on the shelf of a gorgeous, young brunette and asks me who it is. I won't say. I take her home. She gives me all the indications that she wants me to kiss her even though this is our first time doing anything outside of church, but I won't. Because the truth is, there's only one girl whose lips I want to kiss, and right now she's a million miles away in someone else's arms, enjoying his warmth and smell. Right now I'm the last thing on her mind, because she has no idea where I am or if I'm ever coming home. I go back to my apartment, pull the picture off the shelf and fall asleep crying silently to myself.

If I'm here, I'm going to talk to her. I'm going to beg her for every scrap of attention she gives me. I'm going to watch her relationships for any sign that they aren't working out, even though she's becoming much closer with other men than she cares to be with me. If I'm here, I'm going to be pining after her, even though I promised myself that I wouldn't take her back if she broke my heart again. The truth is that I would in a second, because I'd trade this heartache a thousand times for one more kiss. That kiss isn't waiting for me. That's why I need to run as far and as fast as I can.

I'm in no condition to serve the Lord. I'm a wreck. I wanted nothing more than to go on a mission since I was five years old but right now I'd give up that dream in a second to make her mine forever. I'd propose to her now if I thought she'd say yes. But I don't, and so I'm going to run. I don't know where and I don't know how but I'm not staying here. I'll join the army if I have to but I can't stay here and not have her. Maybe that will change after a few months. But I doubt it. Because no matter how over her I am, she's always going to be the one I never should have let get away. She's always going to be the one girl that was perfect and for some reason I blew it. I can't live with that. I love her too much, but it doesn't matter to her so I'm running. Don't ask me to give you a call when I get there; I won't. Don't ask for a mailing address and don't ask for a phone number. This life is coming down around me and there's nothing holding me down. So if I don't get around to saying it in person whenever the time comes: goodbye. I hope to see you again someday, but don't go holding your breath.

Well they are on their way.  Orlando or bust!  A new life or at least new possibilities. They both admitted last night separately that they were nervous about the move. Being away from home and families. On their own, adults. My husband and I admitting to ourselves that we will miss them, but putting on brave faces as we watch them drive away in the dark towards their own future.

 

Wow.  So, I weighed 177 lbs the first morning we were back from our trip to Michigan for Christmas.  Between all the stress of what's been going on and this bad cold I've had for over a week now, I weighed 164 this morning...  I've wanted to lose a little weight, but this hasn't been the way to go about it.  I guess it's not all bad if I can make sure to eat healthy, exercise and maintain it now.

Well, I have an appointment with the attorney to start writing up the separation agreement on Wednesday.  Can't believe we're actually doing this.  I had to tell her about it this weekend.  She's been wanting to know if I'm going to keep the house.  I basically decided I should go ahead and leave it for her.  I just don't want the debt on my own.  I'm going to get out and start over fresh.  But, I was going to wait and put it all in the agreement, but she was demanding a date that I'd know down to the point where she was saying, "fine, I'll just get an apartment and the house is yours."  I didn't want her to even know I'd been to an attorney, I figured that was my advantage, but at that point, I figured I had to tell her. 

So, I won't be in my house much longer... probably a month.  In a way, I guess it's kind of exciting to be starting over, but not in a very fun way.

I asked her to please tell me whatever she wasn't saying because I still figure there must be something since this still doesn't make sense, whether it's another guy or whatever.  She said what she hasn't been saying is that she just doesn't love me anymore.  Well, she's basically said that before, but then she actually had the nerve to say she thinks I never really loved her either.  Unbelievable...  That probably hurt more than hearing she didn't love me. 

I cant start to tell you why I am "this way." Maybe cause its biological, environmental, or just because. Its not like I chose to be bi-sexual. I dont know how to tell others, and I have gotten alot of request to pick the cherry off the tree. Well, i finally gave into my feelings. I had my first girlfriend my senior year in high school. Yeah she was the first and it was FANTASTIC. We did end up breaking up though after 6 months, and that shit hurt bad, so i swore of girls. Its not right to love another female anyway (right???). plus my reputation was going down the drain. I couldnt be the basketball star with a full scholarship and 3.6 gpa with a girlfriend all around type of girl. How does that sound?!?! Anyway after a year apart, and me dating a guy for six months, (yeah a guy who is sexy 2) there she is, my ex,  at my door wanting to start fresh. Now I cant stop thinking about her, damn what the hell am I suppose to do???