Forgiveness @ MindSay

So, today is Yom Kippur, the day we're supposed to be inscribed in the Book of Life according to Jewish tradition.

Today is a day of self-reflection and forgiveness seeking, a chance to purge all the wrong-doings you've committed in the past year.  You ask forgiveness of those you may have wronged, and hopefully receive it.

So that's what this post is.  Incredibly informal and impersonal, I know... but it's just kind of a cover-all.  I do not consider myself to be overly offensive or abrasive on here, but I can't guarantee it.  For this, I want to apologize for any off-color or off-the-cuff remarks I may have made or seem to have made (sarcasm does not translate well on a computer, as I'm sure many of you know) that caused you pain or suffering, or just made you question my character.  I enjoy my time on Mindsay immensely, love getting to read updates from all of you, and only have the best intentions when conversing with you.  If I ever did or said anything that led you to believe the contrary, please let me know so I can work to repair it further.

There's a park about two and a half miles from my home. Big wooded place, couple of easy hiking trails, a small zoo for animals from the area that can't be reintroduced (except for prairie dogs. It's everyone's favorite exhibit in the zoo, and they don't even live in Minnesota anymore - they're all in South Dakota. Likewise the cougar. They're around, someone sees one every ten years or so, but the nearest breeding population is in the Black Hills.), and a few gathering places with jungle gyms and pavilions and fire pits. All the gathering places and the zoo are on one side of the river, and most of the trails are on the other side.

I've been wandering around, climbing on everything, and running through this place since I was five. I think there were a few years when I was a teenager, didn't have a car and was too caught up in the insanity that was going on then to remember how much I like it here. Just like being in the woods. I have a favorite trail, and some that are so familiar that they show up in my dreams perfectly, and a few that I don't know so well.

The Sumac Loop, well, now, I don't think I've ever been down that. I don't know much about sumac, only what it looks like, and what the berries feel like, and why you shouldn't ever burn it. So, the whim seized me last Sunday (lovely plan for Sundays - go to church, go hang out in the woods afterwards. Splendid.) while I was trotting down the river trail to go check it out.

Well, there's certainly a lot of sumac around. Used to grow in groves near the house where the sisters and I spent our earliest years. But there's more than sumac - a lot of pretty things on this loop that I never knew were here. Exploring around, checking life out - there's different trees than what I've seen elsewhere in the park, pretty grasses, some wild parsnip I steered very clear of, a pond completely covered in duckweed, and at times the trail is a shady tunnel-path through the trees.

And this is going to be unexpected, but at some point, I forgave Sirglad. I hadn't even known that I was still holding onto the frustration, but it released, and thinking of Sirglad didn't make me feel anything bad anymore. I was deeply happy - it just felt so good.

It just happens sometimes. You see something beautiful, and whatever ugly stuff you're holding onto, you just have to get rid of it, or you can't really enjoy this beauty. A lot of forgiving K happened while I was watching the Pacific. Forgiving myself, too. It hasn't been easy, but it's sure been blessed.

Three days after forgiving him, I ran into Sirglad for the first time in over a year, and I was happy to see him, no anger or anything. God's kinda funny sometimes, but He sure knows what He's doing.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Seriously!
Shelly and I have discussed today and neither of us have any idea what the fuck happened to the nine hours we spent together.
We didn't even play Guitar Hero or anything!

We've established that we spent around an hour on Facebook and Farmville - and around an hour cooking our meal and eating it - but fuck knows what happened to the other seven hours.

Regardless - I've really enjoyed today.
I've felt so close to my special girlfriend Shelly.

I was cuddled up to her on my bed for a lot of the time - kissing her and talking.
After the argument we had yesterday, it took us around 25 minutes to talk it over and come to a conclusion - whereby we forgave each other and made up properly.
I was scared about it last night, I thought it would end up us splitting up our relationship - and I'm glad that wasn't the case. :)

Fair enough, we had quite a lot of sex today - but surely, we can't have spent SEVEN HOURS doing it?
Amongst the things we tried out today - Shelly repeated what she did to me in March, but was a lot more intimate and involved. I fucking loved it - and I repaid her the best way I know how. :D

If only my dad hadn't been in. :)
I have a problem - if I HAVE to be silent - I devote so much concentration to actually keeping myself quiet, I can't enjoy what she's doing to me as much.Sucks. :(

Lesson Learnt: Never Trust Anyone

 

Why couldn't I have done more

should've known what you had in store

I didn't let you kiss

but I couldn't let you miss

 

You touched me

I couldn't stop you

Why did I trust you

I just met you

 

Already on your eighth

should've known it wasn't safe

now I'm left behind

to see what I can find

 

I don't regret

I've learned my lesson

lesson learnt:

Never trust anyone

 

maybe it was the alcohol

maybe something else

maybe it was just you

showing me yourself

 

are you sorry?

I must ask

or is this, to you,

all in the past?

 

you didn't even come back

You just ran away

No apology given

you are not forgiven

 

You wont be forgotten.

 

I wrote this after being touched against my will soon after I started going out with my current boyfriend.

 

We were at a party, and I was talking with him. We decided to go for a short walk down theroad a bit, it was in the open, night yes but still. We decided to sit on a car and look up at the stars. Then he started trying to touch me. I just kept telling him no. He was like " it's only been four days, just tell him it was before" I said no, don't touch me but I was too scared to run away. I was afraid he might hurt me, knock me out and then do things. He started humping me ( with clothes on) I was unconfortable... He said " this will have to do", I think had my aunt NOT come up with her truck looking for me, he might've raped me.. I'm sure HE was thinking about it. When she came up the hill he was like " hide! get down!" I was like "no way!". I quickly got into the trucK with her she asked me where he was I said I don't know.. hiding. I was so out of my head. One thing she said really hurt, and I cried. She said, and I can't beleive it " Now I see why your mother doesn't trust you!". I couldn't say anything. They had been looking for me for an hour. I thought I heard them I said " I think I heard my name" and he said you're just looking for an excuse. Again I was too afraid to move, or try to get away. I was punished to stay in the house the whole next day which I had no problem with. I stayed in my aunt's room where I had slept all day, listening to my music and crying, and of course writing. I wanted so bad to cut then, so I flicked elastics.

 

This was around the time after everything else had happened, I just started going out with my boyfriend, as I said. I was so broken and lost. This didn't help. I called my boyfriend emmediately and told him what happened. He knows I cheated once before on Nick, but he believed me. I also told my cousin, who loves me and tries to protect me. He went out looking for him ,but he had run home. This didn't help with my fear of alcohol...this adds to the list of reasons why I'll probably never drink.

edits in Capitals, along with some punctuation fixes

Every year, I hop a plane to D.C. for a big event my company does.  I'm one of the lucky pups who gets to work his ass off, there.  This year, the kickoff date was April 26.

This year, the timing was perfect.  Lorelei's niece, C.C., was getting married on April 25 at 10 a.m.  So I flew out the evening of the 24th to Salt Lake City.  Lorelei drove down from Portland and shared a hotel room with me.  We went out that night with C.C.'s two sisters, one of whom brought her hubby.  (Last time I'd seen them was at their wedding.)  My friend malkross and his new (to me, anyway) girlfriend also joined us as we all congregated at a coffee shop.  Yes, Utah does actually have coffee shops.  And, as of very recently, they also have legal homebrewing.  Go figure.

The wedding the following morning was very nice, and I got to see the bride's brother and parents, as well as Lorelei's mother and her now ex-husband.  Yeah, the one who, during their split, was rude as hell toward me when I went to the aforementioned other wedding.

I never really held that against him, honestly.  I knew how much pain he was going through, and he's the type who needs to deflect it onto others.  So I greeted him no differently than I would have if that had never happened... shook his hand, asked about his daughter and her family, and so on.  At the end of the wedding, before I had to dash back to the airport, I said goodbye to him, then the rest.  And when I turned to go, there he was again... for a second goodbye.  He was clearly choked up, his voice quavering as he shook my hand again and said, "I'm really glad you're doing well."

Unexpected... but appreciated.

Once the business part was over, Jacquie drove me up to my friends' house north of Philadelphia before she returned home to Harrisburg.  I stayed with Brent & Gina and their two boys for four nights.  We had some great pizza and cheesesteaks... and Brent and I hit Monk's Cafe in Philadelphia, touted as one of the best beer bars in the world.  And I was certainly wowed.  They've got a beer list that was probably eight pages long, and none of them were crap beers.  Mostly, they were Belgian ales, my favorites.

Brent is a die-hard Yuengling fan.  And it's a decent brewery, I'll admit.  But nothing like the stuff served here.  I ordered him two beers that afternoon: a Piraat and a Delerium Tremens.  He liked the Piraat and loved the DT.  Mission accomplished.

One day, we drove up to Wilkes-Barre, where we got together with another dear friend, beccapooka, and her husband.  We had lunch at a Thai restaurant and kicked around a bookstore and used record store for a while.  Then it was back "home."

I'd planned to get together with siannon, but she was really sick.  (Hope it's not the pig flu, hon!)

Then on Sunday, it was time to come back to Sac.