Forgive @ MindSay

Been writin a bit about my son.

Got a call from my ex-wife last week. She told me that my youngest from her has been runnin away and doin what kids do when they run away. I'm scared for her. She's just 14. I haven't seen her since she was 6 months old. She has no idea that I think of her constantly... And there is a twelve year old restraining order against me from my ex. Even if I was asked to intervene I legally could not.

 

I hired a twenty year old helper. His dad left years ago, like when the kid was 12 or something. I dont know about his dad or what he thinks. All I know is that if I could change things and make it better I would. Even for him.

I wish I could tell them, all of three of them, and my new wifes daughter from her first also, I wish I could somehow let them know how much I care and want good things for them.

 

If you are out there and searching for me, I am here and I will listen first. If I can at all help you, my children, I will.

'

 

 

I am willing to do what I never would have imagined

I forgive you for taking from me what no child should have taken

I forgive you for causing me pain, due to your own pain

I forgive you for kidnapping my joys and tormenting my spirit to the point of  my inability to sleep

 

My mind has re played the nightmares so many times

A door knob in which I touch three to four times a night, a knob I could never lock

Smell in the form of fear has continued to cover the rooms as my body convulses

 

I am willing to forgive you so that I may live

I am willing to forgive you so that you may live

I am willing to forgive you because I refuse to give you one more days worth of power over my life

 

My eyes have been quick to judge and wish you death

My head  has often wished you pain

My heart was near close to wishing you hell

 

I wanted to ask why

I wanted to ask how could you

But non of these things matter anymore, there is no acceptable reason

 

 

My eyes are my own

My fear has been replaced with faith

My heart is my own

 

I saw the previews of my life yesterday and I learned you are no longer a part of the movie 

I forgive you and in doing, so I heal my wounds and free myself in ways I was never able to forsee

 

Thank you to mindsay friends that spoke and made me realize by hating I was hurting and jailing myself, instead of the person my hate was for.

 

This poem was written for the 18th and 19th PoetryChallenge (Forgiveness and Self respectivly) I am fairly happy with it all considered.

It is about just how difficult it is to forgive yourself for the faults that you perceive in yourself.

Anyway. Enjoy.

To Forgive the Self:

The young man hangs his head,
And wonders where he erred,
All alone his heart had bled,
And his voice was never heard,
He walowed in self-hate,
And he had no self-esteem,
His pain would not abate,
Until he died it seems,
Each night was filled with tears,
As he layed awake and cried,
Seeking to forgive his fears,
But he failed each time he tried,
But to end of days his self was marred,
Though to forgive he fought so hard.

ANYWAY

By Mother Teresa of Calcutta

(Just one word yet so much attributed to it. How beautifully she has written this poem.)

 

People are often unconscious, illogical & self-centered,

Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish & ulterior motives,
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and true enemies,
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest & frank, people will cheat you,
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight,
Build anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow,
Be good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough,
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

 

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God,
It was never between you and them anyway.

                                - - - - - - - - - - -

 

Had read this beautiful poem late last night and it still stuck in my mind when I woke up this morning. Having got up lesurely from my bed, I sauntered over to the bedroom window, looked out to the day-- it looked like it was going to be a good day despite the clearly downcast skies. Why? I don’t know. Maybe it’s a feeling one gets when everything within is peaceful, serene, and quite content. Not that nothing is bothersome or ‘kicking butt’ mine or somebody else’s, it’s just that some mornings do give us that ‘feel good’ feeling. Well, this is that particular morning. Apparently the neighborhood has had a good head start getting on with the day’s routine of chores. I hear a neighbor’s washing machine spinning away with their usual laundry. Coming down the street are young children in their blue crisp uniforms on their way to school. Following not far behind are two housewives perhaps on their way to the market, too. (‘Wonder what they’re going to cook up for lunch today.)  A car passing them slows briefly down to a halt; Mr. Perez, behind the wheel on his way to work, takes time to greet the ladies. Right across my window stands a proud mango tree with its trimmed branches (done ‘bout 2-3 months ago by Mr. Noble, my favorite neighbor) now growing new leaves in places where it used to be bare. And seen below at the foot of the tree is a small low-lying bush happily holding up its new blossoms for everyone to see. (‘Wonder though if people passing by do notice.) 

 

Quite an ordinary scene repeated in many places everywhere. In fact, I think it’s down pat to routine, for the human part that is. As for nature, it does what it does best always --- live. So it really is this – that no matter the threat of terrorist bomb scares, a heavy downpour, or whether somebody is gravely sick or has died today – they’ll do it anyhow. People get on with their lives. Nature does the same. Even if war explodes this very minute, it won’t stop the roses from blooming. They’ll do it anyway.

 

In just the same manner, do the good that you want to do. Teach your students well, close that major contract for your company, minister to your sick patients, police your area, speak up for the underprivileged, serve in a civic program for the handicapped, or continue loving your unlovable friend. No matter how you may feel - or despite the risk of being misunderstood - or if friends tell you that you’re overextending yourself this time, do it anyway. It’s not meant to please anyone; it’s something you must do because you believe in it. And by the way, has it ever crossed your mind that God despite our unworthiness loves us anyway? J  Lovely, isn’t it?!

 

posted on Thursday, June 01, 2006 8:41 AM

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Honestly, I tried to write about this since I first saw a music video of Hurt by Christina Aguilera. Somehow, I lost for words to write. Maybe it was a coincidence, the song touches my heart deeply. It reminds me of my late father.

 

"I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself
If I had just one more day, I would tell you how much that
I've missed you since you've been away"

 

My father died when I was 10. And am blaming him for all that I've been thru. Not until I realized, that am blaming myself because I don't know how to forgive myself. Forgiving... it is easy to say, but to look deeper into your soul and find it, like finding a needle in a hacksacks. Guess I'm lucky to find it!

 

"Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?
There's nothing I want to do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes and see you looking back"

 

I may not have my father besides me, but am glad that he was my father. He may not be around, but always in my heart. May God bless him, so I pray....

 

Christina Aguilera - Hurt (Acapella)