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Depressed -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Wednesdays are just shit - it seems that nothing is ever going to change that. They always have been shit and as far as things have been going for the past 305 blogs, they always will be shit.
Tutorial was a pointless chore - just a rant presented in the form of a Powerpoint presentation from this gadge who is in charge of financial shite at Teesside Uni - but I did learn one thing - that scholarship Sarah mentioned; there's no hope in hell of me getting it. The tariff is 400 UCAS points - and there's no way I can get 400 from only three A2s. Fail.
Media Studies was an even more pointless chore - AM set us off doing some pointless "rebranding Teesside" work - and I utterly refused to work with nose-up-her-arse-Hannah - coz she's a fucking slag. Thus I was working alone, AM said I could work with Lewis - but Lewis has disappeared off the face of the planet this week. He better be back next week. :(
So up until now, the day was just a pointless load of faff - but when Photography came around - I got hyper off my tits - for no apparent reason. Hyper to the point where I thought it was hilarious to kick Shelly's pinhole camera across the car park. IT PROPER ROLLED. No seriously though, it WAS funny - just Shelly was in a pissy mood, so she decided to shout at me. So I proper bounded off back into college and she couldn't catch up with me because I had a massive lead and was walking faster.
Sometimes Shelly does this thing where she mentions something that REALLY doesn't need to be brought up - and she MUST do it just for the sheer sake of causing shit. Today she decided to turn around and say:
"I found a blonde hair in my bed this morning. It could have been yours, or it could have been Charlie's... OR IT COULD HAVE BEEN MARIA'S!"
And I'm like: "WHAT. YOU HAD YOUR EX ROUND."
She goes: "Yeah, I said I had A FRIEND round yesterday."
Thus, this destroyed my hyper mood. And when I drop from a hyper mood to a sad one - I LAPSE TO FUCK. So it's fucking obvious why I got so upset and refused to let Shelly touch me.
Then once again, she ignores my statement of DON'T TOUCH ME and tries to fucking hug me every three seconds. I mean seriously, can she not fucking listen?
Then when she tried to be violent back with me, I slapped her - so she wandered off to the table and sat and cried to herself - while I stood behind her with my half-empty water bottle, ready to BLUDGEON HER if she said the wrong thing.
When I had to go to film studies - Shelly stood in my way.
Now for one, it's a fucking stupid idea to stand in my way anywhere - but to stand in my way INFRONT OF A FLIGHT OF STAIRS? I hadn't realised how fucking stupid Shelly was.
I had to fucking fight my way past her - and after a run-in with some teachers at the door:
"FUCK OFF."
"Langage!"
"I'm sorry, but: SHE'S PISSING ME OFF - SHE WON'T MOVE OUT OF THE WAY, I HAVE A LESSON AND SHE'S GETTING ON MY NERVES."
After I finally fought past her - film studies was yet another wasted effort.
AM told everyone to "think of ideas for their film sequences" - and there's me, having already wrote my whole script THREE WEEKS AGO.
I sat right at the back of the room and because I had no other means to hurt myself, I repeatedly hit my knuckles with one of my beasty silver pens until they were red and sore.
AM did have a look over my script - she says there's nothing wrong with it, there's nothing I really have to change. She seems more excited about it than I am.
And bloody Ash seems more excited about Spieluhr than I am - it's so frigging weird.
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Dixie currently feels:
Depressed
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Blog #102
FAFF FAFF FAFF
I lost a bet with my mam yesterday.
We agreed on this - if I could find a pair of shorts I liked, and that fit me - I'd wear them to college today.
In effect, she did find me some. Khaki green cargo shorts with massive pockets.
So yeah, I went to college in shorts.
And since my jacket looks BEYOND weird when accompanied by shorts - I just wore my Anarchy T-shirt.
Oh, and my green Converse. Green Converse look so sexy with white socks and khaki shorts.
When the college bus was pulling into the clock tower car park - there was two infront of us - so three all piled up. Ash's taxi couldn't pull into the car park, so he had to go drop her off at the other entrance.
I was much amused.
I said this to her when she came up behind me.
She spent about 5 minutes smiling at me, upon realising I was wearing shorts.
(Don't even ask about the "Hey Man, Nice SHORTS" joke.)
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In English Language, we were doing the basic wodge of texts again.
Analyising them, mainly just feature-spotting.
One of them was a Captain Pugwash comic - and Mary read it out in a Scottish accent.
PISS LIKE...
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After we'd came back from town - we'd been sat on the green metal benches for AGES because it was warm outside - we went into the LRC.
Of course, this was to "do sketchbook work", but I couldn't be arsed.
I was mainly drawing random shit on my folder and sharing Lisa with Ashleigh.
Ash loves Vortex - this shitty game that came with my iPod.
It's similar to Crack-Up on the Atari, but in a circle, rather than straight.
So I let Ash play that and we listened to my NEW PLAYLIST.
I told Ash about my mam's suggestion for Saturday.
Shelly started to get upset.
And I don't just mean upset like she normally does.
I could understand fully about how she felt left out - but when she turned around and started saying STUPID things like Ash and I hated her and how she doesn't want to see us on weekends anymore - I started getting really angry.
I'm getting good with my anger now - when I got pissed before, I'd just scream at people.
Now I can actually structure my sentences, speak calmly, but with this proper evil tone - and I don't swear very much.
Shelly started jabbing herself with her sketchbook scissors.
I couldn't bear to watch that - and I could see Ash was starting to get really upset.
Ash was taking her anger out by chewing on the lid of her Tesco glue stick - proper DESTROYING it.
Then I saw a few tears drip out of her - so I squeezed her hand and put an arm around her shoulders.
I know if you cuddle Ash when she's upset, she just bawls - so I keep my comforting close, but not TOO close.
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When we went up to Photography - Shelly barged through the art rooms and went to sit in the 4th floor toilets.
She was in there for a good 20 minutes.
Ash and I didn't bother her - I assumed she wanted to be left alone.
Paul wasn't in, we'd all been set our own independant tasks.
I spent this time trying to calm Ash down.
She was at the stage where she'd just randomly stop and start crying again.
I myself was the only one who hadn't cried so far.
When I get THAT upset, I just CAN'T cry.
When Shelly came back - she'd been cutting herself with the scissors in the toilets.
She wouldn't let Ash see them - so she tried to hide them with her other arm when she showed me - but Ash still saw them.
Then she started off on the same rant as earlier - and I started to FUME.
Ash burst into tears again, and Shelly put her head on the desk and did the same.
I could only watch Ash cry so many times before I'd start as well.
I put my head on her shoulder and cuddled her.
I only cried a little bit.
I needed to hurt myself as well - and Shelly randomly produced a staple remover from her bag.
I was wearing shorts, so I just ran it up and down my leg a few times gently to feel the metal on me.
Nowhere near as deep as I would at home with my own staple removers.
Besides, I sharpen mine - so hers were TOO blunt to do anything with.
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Today it truly felt that Shelly didn't love me at all. :(
I felt really sorry for Ash. Ash hadn't done a thing and Shelly was horrible to her - made her cry about six times.
Saying that, I hadn't done anything either.
It wasn't even my mam's fault, if you think about it.
Nobody had said they hated Shelly - and neither me, Ash or my mam does.
She's just beyond paranoid.
If tomorrow is anything like today, I won't be able to stop myself from crying like I did today.
Hey.
I felt it was time to write another one of these, as writing always makes me feel better and it's nice to get everything out. So if you're reading this then thanks, maybe you can give me some advice.
Lately me and my boyfriend have been fighting. Yesterday it got pretty bad. I sometimes feel like he can't tell me things because he thinks i'm gonna go mad or something. That's not the case, i just want him to trust me and be able to tell me things.
The way he acted when we were arguing really shocked me. He was so laid back about the whole thing, he even began to laugh at one point. It felt like someone was stabbing me in the heart over and over. It was the worst feeling in the world, i never want to feel that way again.
Guys say that girls are hard to understand but i think it's definitely the other way around.
We are strong, though and i know we can get through whatever we have to. We have come so far, i'm not letting anything or anyone ruin what we have, it's so special to me.
But anyways, to his credit he did make everything up to me. He went to blockbuster and got some films for us to watch and we had an amazing night. He proved that he loves me. I guess i just need to accept he cares about me instead of thinking that nobody could ever have feelings for me.
Anyways.. That's all i have to say for now. Will write another one when i have a more interesting story to tell.
Ciao for now x
So i'm minding my own busniess, dreaming and all of a sudden I start having this insane dream of the most ridiculous situation. So its me matt davey n some other entity i dont recall... and all if a sudden david is all up in my kool aid and tryin to spill it, i dont remember 'seeing' me do or say anythnig to set him off its like i was implanted in the middle of an already in action scene. He kept making a gun with his hands and pointing it at me 'oh u dont think id shoot you!' is all i remember him saying. I couldnt really react i was taken back by the situation cuz davey n i are good chums. I felt really weak and helplesss. Then matt says we have to hold him down to keep him from freaking out so we all grab a limb and just sit there for a while watching him.
t'was very strange... i love my davey... maybe i should call him today lol see whats up!
any insights?
I suppose it's easy to say that without taking everything in hindsight; that was always what pissed you off, though. My inability to actually perceive what had happened in the past, or at least, my ability to ignore it. It should be known, though, that it's not as if I have ignored the past. If anything, I've learned and adapted from it.
I remember telling you this and letting you know how badly I wanted another shot at things, and how that attempt resulted in heart ache, a fight, and crying on both of our ends. The entire situation seems so surreal, though. I feel as if my life was supposed to have been with you and that by being broken up with you my life has somehow been desynchronized. Nothing seems right. Everything seems wrong. It's weird, really. I've fought the depression and the loneliness only to find that even when I don't have the two of these I still want to be with you. Other women seem to look plain; drab even, laughing doesn't have the same effect unless I'm sharing it with you and I still go to bed every night wishing / hoping / praying that you will come back to me.
Without you, I feel as if I'm walking the same path that I have walked a hundred times before. Lost in the woods with no bread crumbs, my life has gone from a glorious walk in nature, side by side with you, to a nightmare. When will my heart wake up? Never; it knows that I am faulted for its pain.
I love you and will always love you.
Yoursonlyyours.
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