Fighting @ MindSay 
friends
Lost in the woods
It's been a year and some change since we broke up, but I have to say, the feeling in my heart hasn't died down a single bit.
I suppose it's easy to say that without taking everything in hindsight; that was always what pissed you off, though. My inability to actually perceive what had happened in the past, or at least, my ability to ignore it. It should be known, though, that it's not as if I have ignored the past. If anything, I've learned and adapted from it.
I remember telling you this and letting you know how badly I wanted another shot at things, and how that attempt resulted in heart ache, a fight, and crying on both of our ends. The entire situation seems so surreal, though. I feel as if my life was supposed to have been with you and that by being broken up with you my life has somehow been desynchronized. Nothing seems right. Everything seems wrong. It's weird, really. I've fought the depression and the loneliness only to find that even when I don't have the two of these I still want to be with you. Other women seem to look plain; drab even, laughing doesn't have the same effect unless I'm sharing it with you and I still go to bed every night wishing / hoping / praying that you will come back to me.
Without you, I feel as if I'm walking the same path that I have walked a hundred times before. Lost in the woods with no bread crumbs, my life has gone from a glorious walk in nature, side by side with you, to a nightmare. When will my heart wake up? Never; it knows that I am faulted for its pain.
I love you and will always love you.
Yoursonlyyours.
I suppose it's easy to say that without taking everything in hindsight; that was always what pissed you off, though. My inability to actually perceive what had happened in the past, or at least, my ability to ignore it. It should be known, though, that it's not as if I have ignored the past. If anything, I've learned and adapted from it.
I remember telling you this and letting you know how badly I wanted another shot at things, and how that attempt resulted in heart ache, a fight, and crying on both of our ends. The entire situation seems so surreal, though. I feel as if my life was supposed to have been with you and that by being broken up with you my life has somehow been desynchronized. Nothing seems right. Everything seems wrong. It's weird, really. I've fought the depression and the loneliness only to find that even when I don't have the two of these I still want to be with you. Other women seem to look plain; drab even, laughing doesn't have the same effect unless I'm sharing it with you and I still go to bed every night wishing / hoping / praying that you will come back to me.
Without you, I feel as if I'm walking the same path that I have walked a hundred times before. Lost in the woods with no bread crumbs, my life has gone from a glorious walk in nature, side by side with you, to a nightmare. When will my heart wake up? Never; it knows that I am faulted for its pain.
I love you and will always love you.
Yoursonlyyours.
Tournaments, fights, and tests O MY
This is it. The month when it all comes down to 2 men in a ring.
I'm serious.
My husband has his first amateur Mixed Martial Arts bout on July 19th in Smyrna, Delaware. I still have to buy tickets, but I will be there as close to ringside as I dare dream to get.
The Boy has his first yellow stripe test before the end of this month. He is also competing in the amateur tournament on August 9th. My husband will be fighting in that, as well.
Just pray with me that neither of them is injured in any critical way and still have their gorgeous faces when they are done!!!
I'm serious.
My husband has his first amateur Mixed Martial Arts bout on July 19th in Smyrna, Delaware. I still have to buy tickets, but I will be there as close to ringside as I dare dream to get.
The Boy has his first yellow stripe test before the end of this month. He is also competing in the amateur tournament on August 9th. My husband will be fighting in that, as well.
Just pray with me that neither of them is injured in any critical way and still have their gorgeous faces when they are done!!!
Friday Fight Fest
I can't stand it when her and I argue
When we bicker
When we can't work something out
I love how things are intense between us
But I hate when the intensity is interrupted by something
Especially when it's something petty
I hate the back and forth and back and forth
I just want amazingness
Constantly
To stay
To not fade in and fade out
Relationships take so much work.
But loving her is always worth it.
American Idol, God of Small Things, Thinkfast at Binghamton, & no more smoking.
I decided that, as I sat here and absorbed yet another episode of American Idol with my suite-mates, I would update here in my dear, stress-relieving blog. The last time I posted was Friday, but a lot of things have happened. Life at Binghamton seems to sit in the fast-lane; something is always happening here, something that tries the soul mentally, physically, or emotionally. I went home this past weekend and I feel I was hit on a dual front: home presented fights with my family, while back at school, I would have been presented with fights among my floor-mates and worries about one of my suite-mates (though those have been discussed tonight as well). I suppose I ought to start at the beginning, like always. This post may be long.
First things first: I've created a four-point to-do list for the rest of the semester. I was trying to think of some interesting and witty away message for AIM, and failing to do so left me with a list of what I'd like to accomplish this semester.
The weekend home was... fraught with arguing. I'm pretty sure my dad didn't take his pills Sunday as he was in a ridiculously foul mood and found fault in nearly everything I did. I'm used to the niceties and freedom of school now, so when Dad says something horrible to me now, I don't bite my lip anymore. Now I fly off the handle and downright yell at him. In that case, 50% of all the fights we have are my fault, but I feel that my anger is deserved. He instigates so much and yet, after having raised me not to take any nonsense from anyone, he expects me to lay down and take everything he says and then run off to fix whatever it is that's wrong with myself. That will not and never will happened. The fault of instigation does not lie with me but with him.
Ah... point of importance: The God of Small Things by Arundhati Roy is a really confusing and all-around badly written book. It has joined Volker Berghahn's Imperial Germany in its rank as the bane of my existence.
Went to slash participated in the Thinkfast competition in the Union tonight. It was fun, and really interesting. My one teammate was... kind of quiet at first, and didn't seem very friendly, but then things turned out all right. We didn't win anything, but the effort was fun. Ally and Theodora (two of the girls I met at Orientation) came with me to watch, and they ended up contributing to the team effort quite nicely. They saved our asses more than a few times.
Another point of importance: my parents traded in the truck for a new car, a blue 2008 Dodge Avenger. It's a gorgeous car, though I wonder if it was as smart a financial move as my parents claim. Somehow, I fear it isn't.
I've got WHRW meetings and classes out the ass this week. I've got a department meeting Thursday, the Student Association Debates to observe (for four hours), and an apprentice class for two hours on Friday. Binghamton's St. Patrick's Day Parade is this weekend, but everyone in my suite is leaving to go home. I feel like maybe I want to go home too, but I can't and I won't because I need to foster a life of my own at school. I can't keep clinging to home like I have been, especially considering how much my dad and I fight when I'm there. I'm a sucker for punishment.
There's also been a lot of worry about one of my suite-mates; she hasn't been eating properly when she's in our company, and everyone's really scared she's not eating at all when she's not around us. I don't know what to make of it, but I have noticed a big change in her since I moved in. I've tried to help the girls think of things they can do to help her without imposing on her or ganging up on her, but the list is limited. I know they'll figure out what to do; they know her well enough, and she's a good girl. They'll think of something.
Now that I've wasted even more of my valuable time, I am going to go and try to read, though I highly doubt that will happen. God help me; I'm going to die this week. There's so much to do and so little time in which to do it. Fucking aye...
--Snyder
P.S. My mom makes the most ridiculously yummy chocolate chip pancake's in the world. Better than Ever's, the chef down in Iroquois. Fuckin' amazing.
First things first: I've created a four-point to-do list for the rest of the semester. I was trying to think of some interesting and witty away message for AIM, and failing to do so left me with a list of what I'd like to accomplish this semester.
- Quit smoking - it's already been a couple days and I know that's a drop in the hat compared to my lifetime, but I'm determined this time around. Since I moved to Binghamton, my smoking has gone down by 75%, or so I'd say. Not many people here smoke, and the people I've met so far (my friends and roommates) are all either non-smokers or very light, occaisional smokers, so my pack-a-day routine has become about half-a-pack a week, if that. I bought a carton of cigarettes two weeks ago when I was home and in Pennsylvania and since ten, I've managed to smoke maybe a whole pack, but not before the cigarettes when utterly stale. I've always known how bad it is for my health but just didn't care to quit before. I don't particularly care to quit now, but I figure that, since I've already been weaned down to such a small amount of nicotine, there's no reason I can't wean myself completely off it. No time like the present, they say, and I feel my approach to this is logical as well as healthy. I've become indifferent to smoking, so I might as well be indifferent, a non-smoker, and healthy than indifferent, a smoker, and risking emphysema.
- Catch up on all my reading - the first week of school, I diligently read every word on every page of every book by the time it was due. Needless to say now, a month into the semester, I've stopped doing this. Up until last week, I was at least keeping up, even if I was skimming every now and again. Now, I've failed to keep up and am behind in my reading in all my classes. It wouldn't be such a big deal, but reading is absolutely instrumental in my Legacies of (Post)Colonialism class (we read, we analyze, we discuss), I have a test in psychology next Tuesday that I will have to study for (especially considering my last quiz grade was a 50%), and I have to do the reading for my German History discussion or my TA will know that I've been slacking (she's not really a Nazi about it [pardon the pun], but I really like her and I want to impress her and actually prove I'm capable of keeping up). All in all, I'm failing at this one so far, but I'm determined. If I can get back into the groove of reading instead of playing on my computer, I'll be all right. I've got about 70 pages to read in my novel by Wednesday and I've definitely got to read my psychology textbook before the test (at least the appropriate chapters). I'll have to do some magazine reading for that, too, and watch a few videos on the book's CD. Then... oh God, German History reading. I don't want to think about it. I suppose it's good I'm not going home again until Easter. I don't do work when I'm home.
- Make the important phone calls I've been neglecting - I have to call my doctor's office back home to work out paying off my bill (or else bad credit report for moi!) and I have to call my community college back home so I can talk to someone about consolidating my loan there into my loans here. Otherwise, I'll have to start paying on that loan this summer, and I can't afford to do that right now. If it turns out that's what I have to do, I'll have to take out extra money for my loan in the fall to do that. I'm living very cheaply right now, with $450 to last me until May, and I can't afford any budget slip-ups. Having to repay that loan at this point in my life definitely constitutes a budget slip-up. Dear dear...
- Sleep as much as possible - I've actually done very well at this, considering how much I have to do, but not for long. As soon as Daylight Savings Time goes into effect, I will officially die and never sleep again, at least not until the end of the semester.
The weekend home was... fraught with arguing. I'm pretty sure my dad didn't take his pills Sunday as he was in a ridiculously foul mood and found fault in nearly everything I did. I'm used to the niceties and freedom of school now, so when Dad says something horrible to me now, I don't bite my lip anymore. Now I fly off the handle and downright yell at him. In that case, 50% of all the fights we have are my fault, but I feel that my anger is deserved. He instigates so much and yet, after having raised me not to take any nonsense from anyone, he expects me to lay down and take everything he says and then run off to fix whatever it is that's wrong with myself. That will not and never will happened. The fault of instigation does not lie with me but with him.
Ah... point of importance: The God of Small Things by Arundhati Roy is a really confusing and all-around badly written book. It has joined Volker Berghahn's Imperial Germany in its rank as the bane of my existence.
Went to slash participated in the Thinkfast competition in the Union tonight. It was fun, and really interesting. My one teammate was... kind of quiet at first, and didn't seem very friendly, but then things turned out all right. We didn't win anything, but the effort was fun. Ally and Theodora (two of the girls I met at Orientation) came with me to watch, and they ended up contributing to the team effort quite nicely. They saved our asses more than a few times.
Another point of importance: my parents traded in the truck for a new car, a blue 2008 Dodge Avenger. It's a gorgeous car, though I wonder if it was as smart a financial move as my parents claim. Somehow, I fear it isn't.
I've got WHRW meetings and classes out the ass this week. I've got a department meeting Thursday, the Student Association Debates to observe (for four hours), and an apprentice class for two hours on Friday. Binghamton's St. Patrick's Day Parade is this weekend, but everyone in my suite is leaving to go home. I feel like maybe I want to go home too, but I can't and I won't because I need to foster a life of my own at school. I can't keep clinging to home like I have been, especially considering how much my dad and I fight when I'm there. I'm a sucker for punishment.
There's also been a lot of worry about one of my suite-mates; she hasn't been eating properly when she's in our company, and everyone's really scared she's not eating at all when she's not around us. I don't know what to make of it, but I have noticed a big change in her since I moved in. I've tried to help the girls think of things they can do to help her without imposing on her or ganging up on her, but the list is limited. I know they'll figure out what to do; they know her well enough, and she's a good girl. They'll think of something.
Now that I've wasted even more of my valuable time, I am going to go and try to read, though I highly doubt that will happen. God help me; I'm going to die this week. There's so much to do and so little time in which to do it. Fucking aye...
--Snyder
P.S. My mom makes the most ridiculously yummy chocolate chip pancake's in the world. Better than Ever's, the chef down in Iroquois. Fuckin' amazing.
Yea you get mad but its normal!! :]]
Hey everyone well mostly everyone like me who gets mad at their parents every once in a while. well i sure do get mad at my mom ALOT i mean if we arent talking about school or something thats really important we are fighting or i mean argueing!!! and to tell you the truth i hate it, i mean everything about argueing with her i hate. i hate the way i feel then i feel guilty for yelling at her, then i get even more mad thinking bout it. UGH is there any solution to these problems??????? PLEASE TELL ME I REALLY NEED TO KNOW!!!!!
i take my madness to extreme i mean i dont cut myself if thats what your thinking but i mean a few days ago my mom took my cell phone away and i got so mad i punched the wall and bruised my knuckles reallly bad, i couldnt even bend them they hurt so bad!!! i need something to get the anger out!!!! i try to ignore her when we fight but sometimes it just doesnt work.... well what does??????my friend tells me to pray and the anger will go away but that doesnt work....my other friend said that i should meditate, that works "sometimes" but not all the time. for me when i get mad i just want to hit something or somebody, or mess something up or just something that takes energy!!! i dont play sports right now anyways so i cant get my anger out that way........ HELP!!!!!! i really need to know how to release this anger!!!!!
So............do you have these problems??????? how do you deal with them???? but dont worry if you thought that you are the only one who gets this mad and you dont think that nobody else gets as mad as you. and dont even start to think you have a problem bcuz you dont.....it is perfectly normal, everyone goes through it at one point. juss talk to somebody about it then you will prob feel MMMUUUUUUCCCCCCHHHHHHHHH better!!!!!!!
~*Heather*~
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