Feels @ MindSay

i am not loving my roommate right now. it is terrible.
every time she's here, it feels like the greatest weight has been put onto my shoulders.
every time she walks into the room,
it feels like there's darkness seeping through the walls.
to put it simply, she's a stuck-up, selfish, rich bitch
who is only motivated by the idea of making a lot of money.
and i've known her for years,
but i've never seen her the way i see her now.

(again, these suggested tags are ridiculous. my favorite: "olivia feels better." nice.)

He does it again, I'll show him how it feels.

Today's been an interesting day. It's the first day since dad's death that I felt like myself. Yes there were moments when I was sad and as always I thought of dad but those thoughts didn't turn my feelings into heavy sadness. I know not every day will be like today, but I believe its a start in the healing process.

The start...the beginning of a long journey. Its a journey I feel like I am walking alone.

The one thing I did realize today is how much I am not going to like this "me time" if I can't have any time with my love. I'm using this time to grow, to learn about me, to heal but if this time means not having any time with my love, then I'm going to begin resenting and hating this "me time" and if I begin to do that, then my growth, my learning, my healing will be stunted.

I'm hurting from losing my father and now while I'm trying to heal from his death, I'm hurting because I feel like I'm losing my love. Now, instead of feeling like I lost the most important man in my life, I feel like I've also begun to lose the most important love in my life.

I was actually feeling good about today, now I fee like shit because my heart is aching from not having my love and from not having my father. Instead of embracing this "me time" I'm beginning to hate it.

FUCK IT FUCK IT FUCK IT. I can feel this anger building inside me again and where I was looking forward to tomorrow and tackling a new day, now I'm dreading it. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

How do I balance the time I need for healing with the time I need with my love? How do I go about healing from the hurt and not hurt my love by not being with her? She says I'm allowed to be selfish and take this time for me but I don't want to be selfish, I can't be selfish. Why can't healing and being with her work together? She says she doesn't want to make this any harder on me but not hearing her voice, not getting an email from her, not having contact with her is hurting me and it is making it harder. I can't focus on healing when my heart is missing her, when my heart feels like its out of sync.

Do you know how it feels to have your heart ripped out, put through a paper shredder, and have pretty much no one even notice because they are so caught up in their wonderful lives?

 

Do you have any idea how bad it hurts?

 

Do you know how it feels to have the ONLY PERSON YOU HAVE EVER REALLYY CARED ABOUT be 40/50-ish miles away and know that you may not be able to see them for AT LEAST TWO YEARS?!

 

Do you know how it feels to have all your dreams shattered with one sentence? Everything you've ever hoped and prayed for taken away from you before you even had a chance.

 

I'm sure there are a few people out there that know how I feel, but I doubt that anyone I will ever talk to could understand how bad this hurts.

 

All because of one mistake, one amazing night gone horribly wrong, and an overprotective controlling mother, I most likely won't be able to see the MOST COMPLETELY AMAZING PERSON IN THE WHOLE WORLD again until I'm _{AT LEAST} 17.

 

I'm 15. So what? You think that just because I'm 15 I can't possibly ACTUALLY LOVE him??? Well, you're wrong. I know how I feel. I love him and NOTHING ANYONE SAYS IS EVER GOING TO CHANGE THAT.

 

And ... I'd end up pregnant??? Are you serious? That is so stupid. "Guys that age only want one thing." BULLSHIT! That is definately not true. Ugh I have soooo many ways to argue against that point, but a few of them would end up making me seem slightly slutty, so I'm just gonna leave it at that.

 

"People shouldn't date until they are at least 17." Okay, I'm sorry, we do not live in the '60s. There are 6th graders, 7th graders, 8th graders with boyfriends/girlfriends. Now, I guess I agree that that is a little young, but 15 and 16 year olds should be old enough and mature enough to handle it. It's just really stupid. My mom treats me like I'm in 6th grade or something.

 

My mom obviously doesn't know what she's talking about. If she honestly thinks that I don't really love him, she obviously doesn't pay attention at all. But the thing is, I think she does know that I really love him, It just scares her. Typical mother. Just, she is overprotective and very controlling, so since it scares her, she does everything she can to destroy it.

 

She has even said she would go so far as to call the cops on me if i tried to leave town and go see him. She says that whoever takes me will have the cops called on them for "kidnaping" me. Typical psycho.

 

So hopefully I'm not the only one that thinks my mom has gone beyond the typical mother being protective and went straight to this horrible i-am-going-to-destroy-everything-good-in-your-life mother. I absolutely HATEE it. I would do ANYTHING to get out of this house. Out of this town. Away from this life I thought i knew. Away from all these people with their fake emotions, their fake personalities, their i-am-always-happy-nothing-bad-has-ever-happened-to-me fake attitudes. It's sickening. People here aren't worth staying for. I hate everything baout this town. And I'm afraid that if I don't get out of here soon, I'll end up being sucked in and stuck here for the rest of my life.

I can just say that yesterday was the best day I have had all year. Or atleast it feels like it. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day together. We went out of town and even though we were going to get a part for his car we had a really good time just singing in the car and laughing with each other. You know how refreshing that is. He made me a steak dinner! YUMMY! it was so good. He was really sweet to me yesterday and told me how much he loved me and everything. He got flowers that smelt really good. I couldn't stop smelling them last night. But after I came home i just wanted to talk to him so bad. Because even though i had just seen him i missed him and wanted to be with him again. I love that boy so much. I would do anything for him. I think that he feels the same way about me. It feels so good inside to know that i have a boyfriend who cares about me and wants to be with me. He didn't even want me to go home yesterday. Which feels like a first. I dont even think that he realizes how much i care about him and what he does. Maybe me and him will last and be really good together. I mean i know there will be the rough times but everyone has thoughs. Well mitch if you are reading this you know how i feel about you. I love you so much baby.