Feelings Of Love @ MindSay

What is love?

Welll in dictionary love means to have strong feelings for another human or thing.

But can those strong feeling that you think you feel not be love?

Can they be something else, maybe a belief of love.

Kids my age go around saying they love each other but is that really true.

Or is it like i said a belief...

Once in my life i believed i was in love but i was never noticed

I used to giggle everytime i saw him sometime and overcome of some feeling came over me

Could it of been me faking it .....

Did i want to believe i loved him or did i actually love this kid.

Well at a ninth grader at highschool ive learned many things..

And love has been one.

I felt something new just recently..but it was opaque

or vague

i couldnt describe it, it was something new

It was like a little light inside me

so warming yet i felt myself

and

then

i realized

what

it

was

.....

(love)

 

 

 

I burn with desire for you but ur feelings remain untrue So move on is what I must do I just can't hold on to you You've given me no reason to believe That ur heart and ur love I will achieve I'll cry for now, but move on I must I might find somebody, I just have to trust that life will unfold as I hope it will be so I will have love and a lady for me Goodbye my friend, it's been fun You've got what u wanted we are finally done

J: hey, so about tonight, since the last time I have started seeing someone, and I'd be up for still talking to you and everything, and maybe if things don't work out with the girl we can do something, but I am not one to cheat on n e one, so gonna go have to go for a no tonight

.......

 

fuzzycookie1: its cool
J: all right, thx
fuzzycookie1: so ur like dating someone now?
J: ya
fuzzycookie1: its cool. i'd been meaning to ask you if you were seeing anybody else

......

 

fuzzycookie1: so were you seeing anyone else while you were seeing me? (i'm just curious)
J: no, this happened over the week and weekend since
fuzzycookie1: k
fuzzycookie1: does she go to hsu too?
J: sorry, but not me to lead on peeps, so figured I'd tell u now rather than tell u I am busy and blah
J: no
J: shall we talk about somethin' else?
fuzzycookie1: haha, k
fuzzycookie1: well thank you for being honest. i appreciate it
J: mhmm
fuzzycookie1: i'm not like mad or anything if it makes you feel better
fuzzycookie1: we had just had a casual thing so its cool

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Anna: so whats ben up?
fuzzycookie1: well
fuzzycookie1: i just found out (as in a couple minutes ago) that my favorite fuck buddy now has a girlfriend :(
Anna: awwwwww
fuzzycookie1: so i'm trying not to lose it cuz that's a dumb thing to los eit over
fuzzycookie1: yeah
Anna: no its not
Anna: dont ever say your feelings are stupid again
fuzzycookie1: well, i can't make any promises but i'll try
fuzzycookie1: this really sux, though
fuzzycookie1: and i'm kinda jealous. i mean, we could never date because we're too different, but still
Anna: no matter how little it is your feelings always matter and never be sorry for that zak  always made me feel like shit b/c of my feelings and he always said they wre wrong and i relized that your feelings are important b/c thast what makes you you and you should never feel they are stupid or dont matter or anything like that
Anna: i always care about your feelings and they'll never be little or stupid to me b/c i love you hunny
fuzzycookie1: awwww
fuzzycookie1: i love you too
fuzzycookie1: and see? there's one reason why right here :)
Anna: your my beat friend and youv ben the greatest friend to me i couldt wish fro someone better

 

so maybe i kinda lied to him about how i feel...god i feel so fucking embarassed and stupid right now....damn...

so ive been so busy lately. ive been working like everyday now and i have to deal with school and other things.

 

i just recently broke up with jason not too long ago. he just didnt really.... appeal that much to me. i know that makes me sound really shallow and like an asshole but you cant make a heart feel something that it doesnt want to. i just couldnt take the fact that he was the one with the feelings and love towards me. he was so much in love with me and so much commitment but i couldnt dealt with it because i didnt feel the same way towards him. i felt like i was hurting him each day when i talk to him or see him so i just figured id break up with him so he wouldnt get any more attatched than he already is. the thing is... hes already attatched to me. he already is in love with me and i dont want it. i dont want a boyfriend right now, and it breaks my heart that he still loves me no matter what and that im the one for him, he claims.

 

well other than that, my friends from out of town are coming today and the rest of them on sunday. should be fun cuz we plan on going to michigans adventure and what not.

 

well im out. ciao!

 

x3 angela

I think love, as most all of us think of and experience, is something which is really very selfish. I don't think we fall in love with people, but rather the feelings we get from them.

When we think of the word "love," a lot of things may come to mind, but probably the most dominant is our own - unfortunately often lusty - emotion. I think we fool ourselves (subconsciously) into thinking  that we love a person because of them. Because of "who they are," because we relate, because we're different, because we struggle and rise together. Really, though, it is not about them; it is about us. We really love the emotions this person makes us feel, and we try to hide from that truth through attempting to validify the lie by saying, "I love this that and the other thing about this person. I really do..." I'm not going to doubt that this cannot and has not been the case, but that it is indeed much less often the case than loving the feelings brought to us through interaction with them.

All of that said, I think this makes it clear why we get depressed and saddened in relationships. When we aren't recieving the self-gratifying feelings and emotions that interacting with the person produces, depression ensues. But what are we really depressed about? What are we really missing & longing for? The feeling; the emotion that they feed us. And while we are grateful for the feeder (aka the person we "love") - or at least hopefully most of us are (heh) - the reality is all we really care about is that we are being fed. Anyone can be feeding us, as long as we're getting it. It doesn't matter what spoon you use, just as long as you get fed, and that you get fed what you like, of course.
But back to the depression... We become so dependent on that person as our source of happiness and fulfillment that when that source is gone or ceases for a time, we don't know what to do. We begin to starve because we don't know how to feed ourselves.

So this brings me to two main points:

1. We MUST learn not to depend on others to make us happy. We have to learn to be totally independent in this. We have to learn to feed ourselves.
   
2. and - Only after we are whole in this respect, loving ourselves and not relying on anyone else for this love at all, only then can we really love another person. Love them truely for who they are rather than who we are when we're with them.
   

This all begs the question: What is real love? And how do we stop this selfish, distructive behaviour?

These are all reasons that I really don't want to be in a relationship right now and intend on waiting until later in my life, when I have hopefully developed in this area, to have a partner. I think a relationship including two people with the same realisation and understanding is a true partnership. Any relationship (intimate or otherwise, just to remind us all) not built with this foundation cannot be a real partnership. That is because we are only in it for self-gratification and any giving we do in the "give & take" part is ultimately to keep this source in our life.

Another thing this brings to mind is the guilt many of us experience when a relationship is deteriorating or done with. Many of us often blame ourselves and find mistakes we made that may have contributed to or caused the breakdown of the relationship. While some of these things may indeed be parts of our personality that we should work on improving/changing in order to better ourselves, I think some of them - for instance holding back from doing certain things or rejecting certain ideas/impulses/expectations are deep intuation coming up. Something is off and we sense this, but we can't put our finger on it. This something is selfishness. That deep knowing that this can't be forever or be stable because it is imposible without self-love first.

So we should examine situations to differentiate between the two. To identify our flaws (for lack of a better word) and to identify what may have been this instinct that we heeded and should actually look at positively rather than feeling guilty about it.

Peace, Love & Respect
-Liv-