Feelings @ MindSay 
About everything that's happened
In the past few days.
Never thought I wanted
To see your face.
I never thought
That I'd feel this bad,
When you were gone.
But apparently, I was wrong.
I've been hopelessly scared.
I never thought that I'd care about you..
What am I supposed to do now?
These emotions I feel for you
Are scaring the life out of me.
I never thought that it would matter,
If anything happened to you.
I never thought that I'd care,
Now I do and it's scary.
I don't think I'm falling for you,
I just wish that you were here
And I could show you
That at least somebody cares about you.
Now that you're gone,
Tell me this...How am I supposed to live without you?
This feeling down
Deep in my heart.
Is telling me
That if you were alive,
You'd and I
Would be the best of friends.
So many things are going
Through my head.
I never thought that I'd feel this way.
Now I fear it's too late,
To show you, just how much you mean to me.
What am I supposed to do now?
These emotions I feel for you
Are scaring the life out of me.
I never thought that it would matter,
If anything happened to you.
I never thought that I'd care,
Now I do and it's scary.
I don't think I'm falling for you,
I just wish that you were here
And I could show you
That at least somebody cares about you.
Now that you're gone,
Tell me this...How am I supposed to live without you?
I can't let go now,
No matter how hard I try.
I can't erase all of these feelings,
That I feel for you.
All you needed was someone,
To hold you and tell you
That it'll all be all right...
What am I supposed to do now?
These emotions I feel for you
Are scaring the life out of me.
I never thought that it would matter,
If anything happened to you.
I never thought that I'd care,
Now I do and it's scary.
I don't think I'm falling for you,
I just wish that you were here
And I could show you
That at least somebody cares about you.
Now that you're gone,
Tell me this...How am I supposed to live without you?
[repeat chorus]
I just want you to know,
Down here,
Somebody cares...that someone is me.
I have no right to complain about anything.
I have it so good. I'm a North American teenage girl who has so many opprotunities and should use them.
But no: I must be selfish and not do any of my shit. I'm a week or more behind in all my classes even though it's only the 3rd week of school. I really do think that they should put some less fortunate kid in my place at Westgate, because at least then the recources will be used and won't be wasted on a selfish punk like me.
I guess it's good that I at least realize how spoiled I am. I think about it all the time lately: For example, today Ian Tyson (the comedian, not the singer) came to our school and in his comedy/motivational speech he said "High school's hard..." and I immediately thought "No it's not. Poverty is hard. High school is just a place where spoiled brats like me come to mainly chat and maybe learn something if they can get off their lazy ass and use the opprotunity effectively."
However, just thinking about how lucky I am all the time doesn't justify my selfishness. I really should get up off my ass and do some work..however I know very well as soon as I'm done writing this I'm off to sleep and I will get up 20 minutes before the first bell rings at school and end up late/just about late for class.
Writing this all down doesn't justify my selfishness either. It just gives me a writen summary of myself (written by myself) to look back on, and maybe hit me hard a day I forget how spoiled I am.
*sigh*
-Kristal
I'm having so much fun with this boy. He treats me so well and appreciates that I treat him well. So...accepting of who I am. Most non-smokers have this...vendetta against smokers and a cynicism for smokers who are trying to quit and struggling to do so, but there's none of it. He loves that I'm trying, applauds the success I'm having, but doesn't begrudge me slip-ups or regression. And he knows the crap I went through and doesn't judge me for it. I just...love the acceptance. I love his whole demeanor. So...in tune with my own. And well...as you can see, he's pretty easy on the eyes, too.
Here's my only hesitation: He lives in Sacramento. I mean, it's Sac, not Spain. But he's been gone for a little over 12 hours, and I already want to go down and see him. It worries me that he's a) already talking about me needing to move to Sac and b) that I'm looking for loopholes and ways to make that work without feeling like I'm jumping into it. Mostly just a matter of finding a way to feel comfortable with the intensity of my feelings.
Neutral -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dianne
Today was my last session with Dianne.
I felt really sad about that.
I took my last chance to do so - and I put the Abigail film trailer on my iPod and let Dianne watch it.
She then made the greatest comment I've ever recieved on it, and one of the best things she's ever said to me:
"BLOOD, GUTS AND WHEELCHAIRS!"
(This then later became my personal message on MSN, and then an addition to my screenname. :D)
After I'd told her about my sudden likeness to Extreme last week - she burned me four of their albums.
All neatly presented in white envelopes. :D
One thing she said to me that made me feel happy, but weird - was: "You have so much talent. You're being WASTED here!"
I like the idea of my talent being wasted. Well, not disappearing - but the idea of having so much, I can't use it all. I like that idea. :D
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Today we discussed the problem I've been having with spontaneous crying.
I'm still not sure of the EXACT reason - but we discussed the reasons behind it.
Because I was never allowed or encouraged to show emotions through my life - particularly with me being brought up being told it was wrong to cry - we think that that's a factor that contributes to it.
The fact it also occurs sometimes when I'm having sex - it could also be just another method of release.
With the excessive amount of emotions felt at that time - I'm bound to just explode into tears, right?
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I think the most meaningful session we had was the day we discussed Regenbogen Streifen.
I discovered so much more about myself that day. Ideas I already thought about myself - but they're never truly concreted until you've spoken to someone you trust about them.
Dianne even hugged me today.
It was odd - before she even asked me, I was thinking the exact same thing. Ending the sessions on a hug. :)
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When I first started my sessions with Dianne - I had to mark how I felt about 4 different things on a numbered scale.
Confidence, Motivation, Self-Esteem and College Life.
Originally, my Confidence was marked at 0.
I re-marked it today as 1.
Originally, my Motivation was marked at 1.
I re-marked it today as 3.
Originally, my Self-Esteem was marked at 0.
It still remains at 0, unfortunatley.
Originally, my College Life was marked at 2.
I re-marked it today as 4.
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Those scores just prove that Dianne has helped me - even if it only seems a little bit - it feels like she's helped me quite a lot.
There's been a lot of occurances during this colleg year where I've just NEEDED someone to talk to - so I'm really grateful for having Dianne there at those times.
I'm thankful for everything she's done for me.
It’s only those who are lost themselves that can say, “You just don’t get it. You don’t know how I’m feeling.”
I say that because most of the time, I can’t even describe how I’m feeling. When I say that I’m sad, and somebody typically asks why, I can’t snap to an answer. I can’t even think of an answer, except “I don’t really know.”
There are too many factors that could have lead up to my brutal mood swings, which have calmed down, but are still active. It could’ve been the loss of my obsession, addiction, love, care, and time that I had to leave behind the beginning of this year. It hasn’t been the same without them. I have a strong feeling in my gut that that could be why. I say “I’m over that”, and mean it at the moment. But in my heart I don’t really know if I’m speaking the sincere truth. Despite the fact that the thing I treasured for so long, for nearly three years, has been brutally awful for me – I still think. Despite the fact that I know if I go back, I’ll be damaged with scars that won’t heal, I know at least I’ll be able to feel the fake care and love that I was once treated with. That I once felt, despite the fact that it wasn’t true.
I long for something. I’m desperate for the feelings that are yet to return. That’s one of the main things I want. I want to feel safe in somebody’s arms, but they won’t come to embrace me and my tear-stained face.
Recently, I purposely trained myself not to feel. I was sick of feeling. Whenever I felt guilt or shame swamp me whenever I knew I did something wrong, I brushed it off – and eventually it stopped. Whenever somebody insulted me, I told myself over and over that it doesn’t hurt. No harm has been afflicted. And so it was. But unfortunately, it’s the same case with falling in love. I can’t even do that anymore. The only things that I ever can feel anymore are happiness, anger, and sadness. There’s no excitement, fear, or infatuation. Just happiness and sadness. I trained myself not to feel anything else, and, thanks to that, my heart is so used to that that I cannot get it back to the way it was beforehand.
And yet people still praise me. They tell me how much of a great person I am. I didn’t save the day. I never magically healed somebody. I never helped somebody who was in great need. I don’t get where they get the “great” from. Or the “inspiring”. I’m not in any way special than your next person, unless you want to count the special that means “I ride the short bus with a stick person on wheels slapped on it”.
I want to love again. I want this anger taken away. I want to fall asleep and never wake up. Not die - just fall into a sleep which means I don’t have to face my reality for another day. I want to live in my own dreams. I want to be standing there, in my own dreams, feeling the sweet bliss that rarely ever seems to visit me. I want to love and be loved. I want to stay happy without being haunted by the emotional scars that will never seem to heal. I don’t want to feel angry or hostile whenever somebody confronts me about something. Anything.
All I want to be is back to who I was before… At a time where I could feel, at a time where I was happy, at a time where I felt loved, at a time where I did feel accepted, at a time where I could smile without forcing it, at a time where I didn’t cry this much, and at a time where I wasn’t insecure.
“You don’t understand me.” And I don’t think anybody fully will until they have the condition of my heart beating within their chest.
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