Feeling Weird Today @ MindSay

You ever have dreams that make you feel icky throughout the day?

That happened to me this morning and I still can’t figure out why I feel so icky when I think about it.

I know part of it is because of my conversation with Lux this morning.

I met fiatluxinme one night while chatting on mindsay…I was chatting about house music and she started telling me about this body and soul dance fest being held at Webster Hall.

Anthony and J loooooove house music so they okay'd this meeting and trust that Anthony, J and my brother were there.

We met up and now talk at least 5 times a week by phone. Anthony loves her and they talk as much as she and I do. She’s in Europe now with the Nigerian.

Lux: girl…this fool keeps asking me when am I moving to England…told him he’d have to kidnap my ass first.

Me: better be careful…we don’t want your clit cut off and for you to become part of a harem. (her sister teases her about him constantly)

Lux: my people can be such asses sometimes…I was standing in line with Ricky and this big ass African says, “Hmpf, she think she’s white standing here with a white man and why she dye her hair that color”….I turned around and was like bitch first of all”….then Ricky pulls me back and says, “First of all I ain’t white I’m Puerto Rican,  don’t let the blue eyes fool ya, and I don’t date women, if your man wasn’t so fucking ugly I’d take him from you..mmmm hmmm he keeps lookin’ at me!”

Me: *ctfu* I love Ricky.

We talked a bit more and then got off the phone and I fell asleep.

The Dream: I had a dream I was walking to Lux’s building but then I was leaving it and the whole time in my dream I had this heavy scary weird feeling, like I was being watched.  I started walking toward her building again when I get a text from…now if you read this rv1501 which I doubt as we've never chatted or anything, don’t be offended as I don’t know you and I’m sure it has nothing to do with you but seeing your name on my berry creeped me the hell out.

I go into the lobby of the building and I’m the only white person and I keep thinking about what Lux said to me. I wasn’t afraid but I was afraid to get on the elevator with a bunch of men. There were women dressed in African garb sitting in the lobby on the sofa waiting for the men to go up first. I waited with them but I kept feeling as though I were being watched and I had a sinking feeling in my heart and stomach. The next thing I know…I’m outside and really afraid, then my sister calls and I tell her how scared I am and she says that I should come back into the building that she’s upstairs waiting for me. I then tell her about rv1501 texting me and she laughs and then says that she gave him my phone number. But when I get upstairs she tells me that her boyfriend gave him the number and I get that scared feeling again and all of a sudden…I’m back outside looking for a bus. And then rv1501 started calling me and saying weird shit like I can see you, I’m watching you.

What the fuck was this about?

Partially my talk with Lux, I'm sure.

I’m thinking this is about what I read on Sunday morning when Andrea and Anthony were fighting. I read something about that email he’d intercepted from some sicko guy to me.

All day long I have this icky feeling of nightmares that I must have had but can’t remember….I can only remember this dream and throughout the day, the dream has made me feel weird.

When I get to school today I see Beth who states, “Darn  Belle you look like you’ve been crying all night”

Me: I cried for a little while yesterday

Beth: are you okay?

Me: yeah…I’m fine…I’m just tired.

Beth: look….i’m sorry about all that shit….that was a stupid thing to say and I’m sorry…I don’t think you should be embarrassed to be German…I don’t know why I said that….and I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings…..it was fun hanging out with you…you’re such a chill girl….I guess the conversations about you started innocently….I was shocked that you’d spent so much money…..I’ve never seen anyone do that…I mean…I knew you were upset but that …..I’ve never seen that.

I just hunch my shoulders and say I’m not caring about that anymore.

Beth: do you wanna have a coffee?

Me: no…I’m about to go home.

Another funny thing is….freako here on mindsay just asked for my cell and I told her I’m not allowed to give it out to people I meet on line, that I have to clear it with Anthony but that if we chat through emails for a while maybe I’ll be able to do so in the future.

I guess I’m all icky and weirded out because of what I’d read, and the remembrance of chatting with someone online who pretended to be a girl but was really a man.

Yuck!

I have more to blog after I eat something. 

I don't know what's wrong with me but, I've been feeling out of it all day, like my body is disconnected from my consciousness.  I had to keep trying to reconnect myself if you will.  I went out with Environgirl today and I kept making a conscious effort to focus and put my mind back into my body. I know this makes absolutely no sense, but this is the best way I can describe it.  It's just weird.  

and I'm feeling no pain.

I'm home alone.

Dave has gone down river to visit my friendly neighborhood drug store .... mom is at a senior women's group get together at the restaurant I once worked at .... and me ....

Home alone and feeling no pain .... wait I said that already.  No food all day .... five beers ... yeah, feeling no pain.

I'm feeling the need to ramble on ..... not sure about what ..... but I need to ramble .....

I've seen my husband cry in the last few weeks .... not like since his father died has it been like this .... his friend with Alzheimer's is getting worse by the day.  Today was heartbreaking to see his reaction to a visit earlier in the day.  He's lived through so much of this already.  It just doesn't seem fair.  John's family is depending on Dave so much.  Not only to give them breaks but to just spend time with John as needed .... which is almost everyday.  I am filled with pride yet overwhelming grief ...... I hate to see Dave reminded daily of what it was like to watch his father die. 

Lola is sick.  She is maybe doing a bit better but sick just the same.  She will have surgery on the 27th to have a lump removed from her tail.  She has survived cancer before with all but two teets removed ..... and I'm afraid that we may be doing battle again.  But the biopsy will let us know for sure.

I've been dying to get to the claim .... I need some time at the river .... I really really do.  Its the only place I can truly come to terms with my life and think about how to proceed with it.  My fathers presence is there and I know he will help me.  He has before.

I believe in ghosts .... spirits .... the afterlife.  I've too many experiences not to.  Guess I felt the need to throw that out there.  Why?  Who the fuck knows .....

I'm tired and am ready to close out another wasted day.  Am I really as shit worthless as I think I am ..... for real?  Give me strength .....

Not quite sure what would happen if I didn't have this outlet.  Thank you Mindsay.

Enough drunken ramble .... I really could just go on about shit (and I do mean shit)  forever. And probably scare what friends I do have here away.  So maybe I'll quit while ahead.  And just one more thing ... THANK GOD FOR SPELL CHECK.

Peace.  J.