Feeling The Love @ MindSay 
love
So we were supposed to go see Ocean's 13 tonight, but after last night with her girlfriends she wasn't really up to going out anywhere. This morning my friend Jenna and I searched all over the southern greater San Diego Area for the only 2 disney stores to get Candace her Little Mermaid purse that she was looking for, by the time we found a hand bag, it seemed more like a beach bag but I picked it up anyway. Well she dropped me off back at my place, and I had some time to kill b4 I left to go meet her, and all of a sudden my phone starts ringing. I knew it was her because she is the only one to have My brown eyed girl for the ringtone on my phone, and the conversation is as follows:
Me - Hey babe, how are you feeling?
Her - My stomach hurts. It's not like I'm hung over but my stomach hurts really bad.
Me - Aww, Babe, I'm sorry. That's no good. U wanna go see the movie another day then?
Her - Yeah, I don't feel like going out.
Me - It's ok I understand. Did you take anything or eat anything at all?
Her - No.
Me - Sweetie, you have to have something, even if it's some carrots or maybe an apple.
Her - I know.
Me - I'm still gonna swing by your house today.
Her - why is that?
My - I got you something.
Her - Really what?
Me - If I told u that it wouldn't be a surprise...
Her - Can I get a hint?
Me - I will see you in a few hours ok?
Her - Ok. Bye.
Me - Love you bye. (click, I hung up.)
So I got up, put my shoes on and made my way to her house. (Anyone who knows me knows I walk everywhere.)
Halfway there I stop at the circle K and I pick up a bottle of Gatorade (Fruit Punch) She likes it when she isn't feeling well, and then I geo to her house and I knock on the door. I hear her yell from the bedroom window, just come on in. I open the door and make my way to her room, and I give her the purse, hand bag whatever....well she really liked it, which made me really happy. I handed her, her gatorade and she asked me to close her door because of her brother's "Stinky friends" so I did and I just laid down with her and we talked while we watched the first season of 90210 that I bought her a week ago. It made me really happy to just be able be there with her for a couple hours...just in the moment with her. She was complaining that she hadn't showered or brushed her teeth today, but I just smiled brushed back her hair with my hand and smiled. I said, funny, you still look like the most beautiful woman I fall in love with everyday, and ur not feeling well, showering can wait till later. Then her mom came home not feeling too well either, so I decided to leave because company seemed a little much with both of them not feeling well. So I gave her a kiss goodbye, and I headed out. now I'm home, I'm supposed to call her in a little bit so, I am going to just that....So yeah that was my night....day...whatever....I want y'all to have a goodnight.
Howdy Howdy all!
You know I have been concerned or rather confused by love these last few weeks and of course have yet to find my way out of the whole convuluted deal. Not to say that I don't dig the digging so to speak, I do indeed. I love learning a new person even if they already feel familiar. The thing is...I don't know what's next. Wait, that isnt entirely true. I know what's next what I have a porblem with is how to process all the new emotional content. You see unlike a host of other crushes...this one grew up on me. Bam! Out of the Blue---to channel Debbie Gibson.
Not that those other crushes were of no consequence. On the contrary, I still dig those folks as friends and appreciate them for being so cool with me until those feelings passed.
This is different. Can I panic now? This one is under my skin and man on man does it feel fancy. Feeling 16 at 35 is quite a feet indeed. Feels lovely, lovely indeed.
Okay so this one is pretty straight laced. You know the type. Ultra-conservative, raised but not a practicing Catholic. No body art at all. Yikes....I know you're wondering what the attraction is....
You know how I love poetry right? Of course you do. This one is a poet/performance artist...
Their writing works through me like ribbons winding about a naked Goddess in a classic work of art...(how is that for poetic 
).
Anyway, we are on a journey and we are taking the scenic route. The scenic route is best of course.
It is way nice to watch the birds and bees( 
) do their thing while we slowly work into doing ours. Here's to feeling like a schoolgirl or schoolboy depending on how you do your thang.
Yep, it's official....I'm in Love---HOLY HANNAH!
How about some poetry...here goes....
Still Another Day
from Aun Poem XV
We, the mortals, touch the metals,
the wind, the ocean shores, the stones,
knowing they will go on, inert or burning,
as I was discovering, nameing all the things:
it was my destiny to love and say goodbye--Pablo Neruda
Goddess Bless
I love that. I love that even though it's been months since I've written anything here, or weeks since I've dropped by to check my messages, I love that when I click the little Login button, it still comes up with my information all filled out, as if the site is waving and wrapping an arm around my shoulders and saying, "Hey. How you been? It's been a while, hasn't it. Come on in, out of the cold, let's get you warm." It's a feeling I haven't felt in a while, that feeling of complete welcome. It's good to be writing again. Note to self: Never stop writing, no matter what is going on. It's just healthier this way. Besides, have you forgotten? You have a talent for this stuff. No one else really thinks so, no one else seems to realize it, but you're a good writer . You've got something here. Don't just let it go because you get busy. Maybe this is what you are going to do with your life. Maybe this is what you are going to pursue. Maybe you'll go to college and live in an apartment with people you know and heat up a quick bowl of oatmeal and take it to your room and clutch at it for the heat and try to read the text books where the words will just jumble in your head and in your mouth because you're trying so hard to understand but you work all night and you sleep all morning and you go to school to learn things that you don't want to learn to try to get to the career you want so you can make a small, meager pay check and try desperately to make yourself happy, and the only moments of goodness you can find are when she calls and you smile and lay back on your air mattress because that's what life is all about.
And there you are, on the inside with your artsy intelligent Village people friends, and I am on the outside wiping away at the frost on the window and staring at you with a longing in my soul as I've never felt before, and we both smile and nod and there are tears in my eyes and on my cheeks and I know that we love each other, but we're just too different, you and your Uma Thurman ways. Someday, someone will read through these, and think "What a genius" and I will smile and think to myself, I told you so.
We were in my car the other day, at a red light, the one by Glade's on Main and I was telling you about how someday, somehow, I was going to be wealthy. You looked at me and asked, "Why?" and I didn't have an answer for you. It doesn't matter who you are, or where you come from, you always want what you don't have. It's human nature, which is why the Buddhists are so famous for their bliss and their great content with themselves, because they have obviously been able to fight something that every single other person in the world has inside of themselves which makes someone question.
If they can fight want, which everyone has inside of themselves and is thought to be unavoidable, can I fight the cancer within me?
And the little boy with the scrawny arms and the small sunken eyes on the bed next to her says that she's talking out loud again and that the cancer is just as bad as his AIDs and that they all die in the end so why not just accept it and the thought of that kind of cynacism in such a young boy makes the watchers around the world cry because it's emotion, and the irony that you don't understand that makes audiences cry. Can you believe that?
Can you believe me?
No one really cares but you about what I think, and these are the things I think. These are the streams of thought that weave together to make themselves something worth thinking about. But will I ever make anything of myself? That's a question. I want to develop scripts for video games, I want to stir emotions in people with pictures and words and make people cry just like Uma Thurman and Peter Jackson, I want to give people those little lumps in their throats because it's so damn beautiful. I want to be a beautiful people. But I graduate soon and really I want to write but I can never create a story worth reading. I can never make a plot worth listening to or when I do it doesn't have enough twists and turns to be engaging. That's why I love classical literature, it had just the right amount of twists, not like these new Dan Brown books, with so many twists and turns they get old and it's not even the same novel after so many twists, that half way through it's like you're reading an entirely different book and maybe you think to yourself that you saved money by buying two books in one, or maybe you think to yourself that this isn't what you paid for at all. Like a rollercoaster with too many twists it doesn't have time to build up speed and so all it accomplishes is making you sick in the brain.
Everyone makes movies about couples who are in love, and the boy loves the girl and the girl loves the boy but there is a trial of some kind that they go through and then they're stronger for it. No one makes movies about Uma Thurman and her love for the younger man but even though they love each other, they just know it's not right. No one makes movies about lesbian couples that have to stay hidden but everyone knows anyways but one of them can never get enough, never get enough of the other and when she texts to tell her she's with him she wonders if they are together and if they were both just mixed up all along and are really in love with each other... no one makes movies about that because desperate housewives in the midwest and mothers in the mid east would never go and see it.
Did you know I'm ashamed of how I bite my nails? And there's no reason for it either. I feel like Frank McCourt, trapped in the drink, not wanting it, not having any reason to drink it except that it's in his blood, and that's how I feel. No reason to do it except that there's nothing better to do. I like to make art and I wish I could do things and draw them right out of my head but I just can't get the synapses to fire like that, can't get them to connect from the pictures in my head to the lines on the paper. I can copy pictures pretty damn well, and it's satisfying to do at least that and I wish I could find something that would let me do that for a living, taking my own pictures and then copying them in graphite but who would want to buy a drawing of something when the picture is right there, just as ready and looking far better than what I produced? Someday I'm going to do something incredible and worth doing and people who know me now will sit and say to themselves, "I knew her. Always a bit mussed in the head, but I knew her." And they'll make up stories about how they were my friend, or about how I was mean, or something, any kind of interaction with someone famous that they once went to school with because that's what housewives do, fat housewives with their bellies spilling out from beneath the shirts filled with children, and they'll say that to themselves until they believe it, until they believe whate'er stories they make up about them and I. You and I want different things out of life, and I wonder if we aren't like them. Nothing is worth doing, nothing is worth having if you're not somehow involved in it, but we both want different things and if I give up what I want for you at least I'll have you and I'll have some semblence of happiness but I'll never be at peace whenever I hear about someone on the news or watch a movie with successful actresses and successful screenwrites and successful directors, and what kind of a life would that be? Would I be able to handle it, always being happy but never at peace because I let myself go, I let my dreams go so that I could have my everything? I'm going to do something great with this world, I just wish as hell I knew what it was, so I could get on with it and be at peace and then have you.
Some children wrote letters to God. Some children wrote letters to Santa.
Me?
I wrote letters to Bette Midler.
~Alisa
Update! Firelight's photos are amazing! Just really wonderful photography.
Howdy Howdy all!
Okay, I will be the first to admit that I have been in what I believe was love. I will admit that just because I loved someone didnt mean that I would not hurt them, not intentionally mind you but I hurt them still. And hell who's to say that acting on that knee-jerk thing rather than taking a deep breath and thinking, thinking, thinking first isnt indeed intentionally hurting someone, even someone you love?
What about those times when you want to...I dont know....behave and do but the rug still gets pulled out from under you?
What keeps you from chunking the deuce and renouncing the whole setup?
What keeps you from just saying "I'm gonna get mine whether you get yours or not?"
Is it karma? Are we just performing so that we won't muck things up for our souls when the next stage(if you believe there is a next stage that is) comes?
If you go buck wild will that land you in a place akin to Purgatory or something? If so, do you care enough to live as if this Purgatory-like dive exists in the nethers?
Okay, you got me. I do try to behave so as not to pollute the universe with my psychic filth or junk energy as it were. I do believe that you get what you give as many religions teach. And so I reign in my baser emotions and motivations in an effort to keep my cosmic space as blemish free as possible. Where was I? Oh yes Love....
What makes me think I was indeed in love? I mean I have heard of
Parental Love-even when you mess up big time the best parents don't let you get off scott free but they dont write you off either..
Sibling Love-sure you think your brother or sis is full of beans but if someone else tries to stir their pot the gloves come off...
Friendship Love--You friends become family through shared experiences and when something pops off you can crash on their couch or munch vittles from their fridge with little or no yakety yak!
Societal Love--Your general concern for humankind (if you aren't a jerk or --insert vampiric political party of choice here--) You see someone in need of a buck, or a hug or even more a group in need of a check and you out of actual concern break them off a piece of your American dream Actualized.
LOVERS--this is the one.
Husbands and Wives (if they are lucky) are not just spouses but Lovers on some level.
Couples (ALL couples in love) should have this thing between them that ignites some spark (even after the relationship has passed the springtime stage and moved into winter).
I have felt that between me and another on occassion and I have wrapped myself around that feeling and let it burn me, burn me, burn me. I loved that feeling of familiarity couple with some small new-ness.
What happens if you loose that? Or if you never really have but press on into relationship territory? What then? Can it be cultivated...that spark?
I have heard that folks grow to genuinely and wholely love one another in the abscence of that spark.
I dont know if I believe it though. I mean if you have a general feeling of friendship with someone and they are really very good for you otherwise (you know-they encourage your creativity, make you feel good about who you are, and basically tell you what you know but need to hear periodically), then can that or rather should that be enough. Should you be greedy? Is that Greed?
They just don't set you off or give you that tingle--that quickening in the breast that you know is necessary for a real and true fit.
I don't know...maybe the holiday season is working me over and causing all this blah blah blah....
To Be Continued...
Poetry to the rescue.....
A Lady
You are beautiful and faded
Like an old opera tune
Played upon a harpsichord;
Or like the sun-flooded silks
Of an eighteenth-century boudoir.
In your eyes
Smoulder the fallen roses of out-lived minutes,
And the perfume of your soul
Is vague and suffusing,
With the pungence of sealed spice-jars.
Your half-tones delight me,
And I grow mad with gazing
At your blent colours.
My vigour is a new-minted penny,
Which I cast at your feet.
Gather it up from the dust,
That its sparkle may amuse you. --Amy Lowell
Goddess Bless
Howdy Howdy all! The light stuff first, then heavy then a wonderful poem!
Well guess what, The Prof in my Renaissance Culture and Society class and Life in the Middle Ages class has decided to provide us slakers and procrastinators with a little extention for handing in our research papers! Can you say thank goodness? I mean I had them done but they are not as well written as I would like or as they should be so now I have 3 whole days to spruce and tune them up! Woo Hoo!
This morning I did my usual meditations (I say usual but it has only been going on for about a week or so) and I focused on FEAR. Like anyone else I like to think that I can face a challenge head on and never flinch u ntil the job is done. No whining, no complaining just nose to the grindstone work, work, work. This kind of thinking gives me a sense of empowerment and a certain level of confidence, but is it real empowerment, is it a false sense of confidence? I'd like to think that it isnt faux bravery but to be fair I have to check out both sides.
When I was a kid I was afraid of the dark. You know the boogieman and such. Now I am not necessarily afraid of the dark but I am afraid of what might be out there just for me that I may or may not be prepared for. Do you ever get the feeling that the more you know the less you understand?(Not to quote Don Henley but you get my meaning).
I mean items about yourself you thought you KNEW outright become debatable the more you live and the more information you take in. You ever think 'I thought this but now that I know that, I am not sure'. Those are the moments that give me pause lately. No I am not terribly old or anything but still, thoughts swim and the mainstays drown in new information all the time. Also to be fair I have been involved in a lot of odd situations (crime, the police, crap from childhood, bad relationships) and they all factor into the way I live my life.
I'll give an example.
I have a fear of being buried alive. It is my likely my biggest and most live altering fear (as I tend to live my life largely conscious of it).
I dont like elevators and almost ALWAYS opt for the stairs.
I tend to take jobs that let me WALK about rather than being chained to a desk or cubicle.
I always have my bedroom window cracked to give me the feeling of space.
I prefer to be outside more than anything in the world and leave the house often to walk around the city.
This fear is not just about being physically put underground while still sentient or the physical feeling of confinement but it manifests in more abstract ways as well.
I have had serious relationships but the most serious ones have been open and highly unorthodox.
I fall in love not necessarily easily but I tend to be more interested in the idea of loving than working through the parameters(sp) of a relationship proper. You know, I like the idea of love but practice is not a strong suit. I always worry that I am not performing well enough for the other person and usually it brings things to a halt.Now don't get me wrong I put myself out there for some folks and face a boat load of rejection but still, how would I behave if someone I wanted very very much did finally reciprocate?
I don't typically like to 'talk' a lot (especially on the phone). I think of love in terms of the physical because I generally say things that muck it up in the end (sometimes--not always).
I tend to get nervous when asked a lot of questions about myself. Not that I am on the run from the cops or anything I just think that the more someone knows you, the MORE they KNOW you. I dont like that inside out feeling that comes with love. Mostly because I can be a very odd duck and I worry, worry, worry that someone will think I need FIXING rather than embracing my oddities. It one of the reasons I have not 'settled' on anyone to settle down with yet. The worst thing I could do is settle, I would never put someone through that! LOL!
I have friends who want to try to 'fix' me all the time and so I don't spill a lot of my beans to them....
All of this comes back to fear. I have decided to tackle a few things in this area and of course I am afraid of where it might lead me but likewise I have faith in myself enough to know that this is a way to be more comforable in my own skin and to enrich the lives of the ones of love now and later....
Oh well, that is all the contemplation I have time for today so tell me....
What is your biggest hurdle to self actualization?
How about some poetry...here goes....I love this poem....(Yes, still)
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