Feeling Depressed @ MindSay 
My chest feels so heavy. My stomach feels empty. How long will this last? This feeling of hopelessness... how long will it last? Feels like it'll last forever. I hate myself today. I hate who I've become. I'm so pathetic. I'm like a child. A small, insignificant child. I want to crawl back into the womb and die.
I'm so scared. How can I function in this world? How can I... Why did end up this way? Why did I have to suffer through all of that depression? Why couldn't I have been one of the normal kids who went out with friends and had fun? I never got a chance to grow up. I could stay like this forever - a child, mentally, trapped inside this adult body. I never got a fucking chance to grow up dammit! And now I'm expected to grow up instantly. It's not fucking fair!! How can anyone expect that from me?! How?! Don't they understand?
Why am I me? I fucking hate myself. I hate my body, I hate everything about me. What is my fucking purpose in life? Someone tell me! Don't leave me guessing, God! Don't leave me alone in the dark! For fucks sake, don't leave me alone at all! Please don't leave me! Join with me forever! Please...
I hate people but I love them. I shun them but I want them near. Why? Why do I do that? I can't stand people but I'm always so lonely. Is this really the Hedgehog's Dilemma? Does that explain everything?
I feel so guilty for holing myself up in my room all day. I feel especially guilty because I know my dog misses me and I know she doesn't understand that I'm depressed and shit. It's not fair to her, but it seems like I can't even muster up enough energy to move.
"Being born isn't really that uncommon...
Almost everything in this world is meant to die.
In this world, a life born is nothing more than an insignificant speck and shouldn't even be counted as an existence. Death is natural.
Then why are you alive? Is it because someone wanted you? Who wanted you? What is your reason for living?"
Now, I feel this weird emotion deep inside... like I want to die. But I'm not depressed or even bored with life. I just feel like dying. I can't figure out why though. Or maybe, I'm depressed, but just don't notice it anymore. Besides being bored, I used to want to die because I wanted to see God. I didn't want to have to wait to see Him later... I wanted to see Him and wanted to see all of the angels. Who knows? Maybe that's the reason why I want to die now. I have been watching a lot of religious shows lately.
I feel like I'm reverting back into my hermit ways. I was doing pretty good for awhile, you know, getting out of the house every day and shit, but seems like I haven't been wanting to leave the house again. Maybe, deep down, I'm just scared of what lies ahead. I certainly don't feel that way on the surface though. Maybe, I want to be dead, because I'm scared of/don't want this adult responsibility. But, again, I don't feel that way on the surface.
I've taken quite a liking to these expensive dolls that people seem to buy, dress up, pose, and take pictures of. I would never own one (even if I had the money) but they're cute. I like how androgynous they look. 'Androgyny = hot' in my book. Seeing those smooth, flawless faces makes me jealous and envious. I wish I was a beautiful, androgynous man.
For the past week or so, I've been feeling really tired, no motivation or ambition, wanting to just be by myself all day, etc. I'm also getting migraines again every day. I'm having trouble thinking and remembering stuff again. It's like a cycle or something.
I don't know what's going on, but maybe I'm spending too much time inside on the computer. Who knows? I just know that even my parents have noticed this change in me and are concerned. I hope I don't fall back into depression again. Fuck.
Is it possible to feel so mentally fucked up that you make your self physically sick? 'Cuz I have been going back and forth between feeling depressed and emotional numbness all week. I gotta say of the two I dislike feeling numb less then feeling depressed. Maybe Roger Waters is right we can become comfortably numb.
Any way, Wendsay night I was sitting in my recliner when it broke. This sent me into feeling depressed all over again. I felt like I was so fat and stupid for breaking the chair. The next day I woke up feeling drained of energy and feeling so depressed. I skipped all my classes and stayed in bed until like three of four in the afternoon. It was raining outside which didn't help my mood, so I stay inside all day. I finally got up and to make myself feel better I put on some of my new dress clothes and told myelf that I was someone very important with some very important place to go. I still didn't go anywhere or do anything.
That night I barely slept a wink. I was lucky if I got three hours of sleep. I had a headache all day. I went to work and look some aspirin, it didn't help a bit. Later when I had something to eat it made me feel really naucous. I couldn't concentrate and I kept dropping stuff. I asked my supervisor if I could leave early (which I hated to do because I need the money). Obviously, I left work early.
It got me thinking that maybe my mental health had somehow effected my physical health. I didn't go straight home I ran an errand and went to see some fireworks downtown (we were having our unual holiday festival call "silver bells in the city"). The fireworks was a bad idea they just made the headache worse.
I got home and layed down for a while. Then got up and fixed the chair. Today I feel a little better.
Thanks for Reading,
Mark M.
I saw Katie online and my dumbass decided to take another crack and repairing and rekindling our friendship. so she mentions she has a myspace and i asked for her link and she said no. its one thing if i found her, but she couldn't just give it to me. she was afraid i might show somebody. like who? she didn't know. it hurt a lot cuz we were pretty good friends in high school, and she used to be up for hanging out whenever i wanted to and we always had a good time when we did. but i dunno. i guess she's changed or i did something and i don't know what it was, or whatever. this is one of those little things that makes me even more depressed, angry, whatever when i'm already feeling really depressed and angry. she really did used to tell me everything, but whatever. just another one of those things i'm helpless to, and i don't think this is worth working for because after this i just want to spend all my time in arcata and never come back here, at least not like this. the only thing i might do is come here for winter break to learn how to drive, but that's if i get my lisence before then and if i either don't have a job or have a job that will give me the time off of work. it would be another month of loneliness, though. i dunno. maybe by then J will be single again and we'll be better friends. Yeah, i'm stupid.
i've gotta be honest, though. i've thought about the idea that J made up that he has a gf. like maybe he just doesn't want to fuck me anymore because i've gotten so fat and unattractive or because he doesn't have fun with me anymore. i mean, he could have told me on monday that he had a gf instead of telling me that maybe we could do something if he wasn't going to a rave. and he could have told me when they got together, but i can understand that one a bit more. funny that the ONE TIME i get up the courage to ask him if he wants to fuck one night and he not only turns me down but is in a relationship. part of me wants to ask him at least why he didn't tell me monday the next time i see him on, but that seems really weird and stalkerish i think. maybe some of the answers on all those surveys i posted scared him off, haha. i don't know. i just feel really ugly now.
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