Feeling Bad @ MindSay

Today, I have a plenty of time for updating my blog. Then I bet I can tell you guy more about my feeling and thinking. I called my friend in my country, she gave me some strength and cheer me up. She said, I should pray with Him about every situation happened in my life's time. So, I tried to pray and keep thinking in a positive way that bad event is going to be better. However, when I went out to some place that we had gone. I felt like I did miss him by that time. I couldnt force myself to did not think of him. I got hurt too bad from him and I did love him too.!! Was that wired feeling? Oh no!! I dont know now..I hurt myself that I am still loving him forever. I have him in my sight..I dont know what to do without him. Hehe!! Some of my opinion, I want to disappear from his life but I can not do that..That is kind a sad story bcoz I know, he has never stop caring of me...He will feel sad tho if I do that. 

This is long and boring, and you don't have to read it.  I just needed to write it all down, because I want to keep track of when I get like this... so I can tell the doctor whats been going on.. .

I had an "episode" lastnight as my mom called it.  I was sitting here all fine and dandy and then it hit... I felt like I was going to pass out or throw up, or do both at the same time. and it became hard to breathe.. (oh yes lots of fun) ... I did what the doctor told me to do when I have one of these, and laid down with my knees up.. but it didn't help, so I stumbled into my moms room and woke her up, and was like "help me please" then I started crying, because I remembered how when I used to feel like this, before we knew what was wrong, i'd sit in the middle of the bathroom floor crying because I didn't want to wake anybody up feeling horrible and alone and scared... i'm such a loser.  So she went and got the blood pressure cuff and took my blood pressure which was REALLY high for me, seeing as how my normal is usually close to 100 or 90 over 40...so I laid in bed... and she sat with me.. and just talked about all sorts of different things trying to take my mind off of how I was feeling.... she started fanning me with a book becuase I guess I looked really bad.... it made me laugh and get scared.... cause i've never looked bad enough to make her do that before.... haha.   I eventually fell asleep and I guess she left.... but before she left for work this  morning she woke me up and asked how I was feeling, and if I needed her to stay home with me... and I said i'd be okay so here i am. 

 I feel like crap... but im breathing so lifes good. 

i really feel bad of ot going to the province to attend the October Encounter just to do my thesis.  in four years of my college life, this is the first time that i was not able to spend my semestral break in the province with my family and friends... we need to finish our thesis as soon as possible.  it will be my passes for graduation, so then, i have no choice than to stay in the city and do the task for our thesis.  good thing, the thesis is a group thesis.

now, i am alone in my room, in our apartment.  my brother went to his part time job in bulacan and will be back tomorrow afternoon,  tomorrow, i will be going to teachers village east for a follow-up interview with our thesis respondents. huh!

i am on fast right now.  i fasted the whole day.  i just want to humble myself before the Lord, thank Him for his blessings, and ask Him to bless me always.  I miss worshipping God.  I was not able to do wholehearted worship past days.  i was so busy but then, He was always with me.  I'm just repaying His goodness though i know this is not enough.