Feeling Alone @ MindSay

I keep giving myself too much to do again,
thinking "I can do it in time!" only to find out I can't.
I'm starting to sink under again,
I'm beginning to feel like I'm not as great under pressure as I thought I was?
Or maybe there is just more pressure this time?
I wish I didn't feel so alone in all of this,
I know I'm not I've got family and friends to pull me through.
But right now It's just not feeling as close like it used too?
Some how I've been managing to blame this on my becoming more adult like?
Which is the biggest line of bullshit I've ever heard myself spin.

There are some things that are dragging me down that I just don't want to talk about,
They are just too close to what makes me what I am for me to feel comfortable to just say.
Sometimes I think if I just spill all my secrets and come unraveled,
I won't feel like this anymore.
Which makes me feel extremely highschool-ish and dramatic...which is also bullshit.

I've been setting myself up for dissapointment again.
Call it a character flaw?
I didn't realize it till Mindy was in the hospital and thought she was miscarrying...
I thought...if she had lost that baby I had been crushed...
I knew there was a big chance she could miscarry the baby...
But some how I didn't let that bother me and just kept on about it?
Then I realized that this kid was somthing to hope for?
That's why I was putting so much stock into this,
I feel like I don't have much to hope for right now for some reason.

I have to step back from everything again...
Before I make stupid decisions?
I looked back at the entry where I said I was getting a new tattoo...
I still am...but it's going to have to wait...it isn't a priority right now.
Priority is things I NEED:
books for my classes,
a camera for my photography class,
a new set of graphite pencils for my drawing class because my old ones are just about ready to go to the big paper bin in the sky, 
a new cell becasue I run my life with it and my current one is being a p.o.s. and making me stressed*twitch*,
a vehicle that likes to run,
a laptop and I'm willing to forgo the fancy graphics laptops for the time being...get a cheap one that will run the net and a word program and preferably won't crash and lose all my shit.

I need to accomplish all this preferably before the 21st of August...
with 2 paychecks before then each being a little over $600 and emptying out my bank account...
lets just say...unless I can con my mum into being generous...I am seriously royaly fucked

well as I end this extremely happy post I would just like to say thanks for reading this...and if you skipped to the end cause your lazy...well...fuck off...lol j/k thanks for taking a second anyway... I hope you all understand why I'm not around so much right now...and hopefully I'll be around more soon.