Feeling @ MindSay

So I am retracting all previous blogs about how amazing the next few months were going to be cuz they have suck suck sucked.... For starters about 4 months ago I ended a relationship to venture into another, the relationship I ended was over the course of two years we had been "seeing" eachother but only actually saw each other three times over the course of that relationship because of him being in the army I have no complaints about the relationship only the way i ended it was stupid and naive ending it for a guy would turn out to be fucking two other girls behind my back as he proceeded to lead me on and feed me lines and all the drama that unfolded after he slowly stopped talking to me or returning my calls and finally someone spilled to me what was going on... but i'm over that now but since these events my social life has become a trainwreck I am slowly destroying everything i had and turning it into a pile of rubble.... it's the end off all i know.... I wish he would forgive me for my stupidity, i know we didn't have the best relationship in the world but I love him and it kills me to know he hates me... but there is nothing i can do but move on or further destroy myself threw drinking and random casual sex.... so be it i have condemed myself to this life.......

Michelle and I have an eventful last couple of days. During therapy last week I was told that my diagnoses of Borderline Personality Disorder was misdiagnosed. So there I was sitting in therapy feeling more lost than I ever had. She says my problem is I am emotionally and physically disconnected. I need to allow myself to feel and express my emotions. So my process of taking my armour off started on Friday night. During an intimate moment with Michelle I started to cry so hard. But she kept saying, "open your eyes and see me". That was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. It is my response to difficult things to close my eyes, drop my head, and cry. And then I started to tell Michelle about things that I had never told her about. Then Saturday night we spent a couple of hours talking again. She tells me she is more in love with me now because I am opening up and being 100% honest with her. How can I allow someone to love me? Running has always been my response to love and being "comfortable". I have always believed I was unloveable. Michelle says I have a golden heart. What does that mean? That I am a good person? How could someone see that in me. But at the same time I want to see what everyone else sees in me. I am told by many people that I am a very good person with many things to be proud of. Well, I guess I should try and go back to bed and cuddle with Michelle. She woke up because I wasn't in bed. She always knows when I am missing. Could it be love?

WARNING: CRUDE STUFF AHEAD.

What You Don’t Get

You knock on the door,
Pissed because something didn’t go your way;
Marching in, with bloody knuckles and tousled hair,
I’m feeling pretty down, so let’s make this short, okay?

Your girlfriend didn’t wanna fuck,
And your friends weren’t up to getting drunk tonight;
Got kicked out of the bar,
Because some little dickhead wanted to pick a fight.

Yeah, sure, I’m pretty fucked up,
But, then again, you’re pretty damn fucked up, too;
I ain’t got no sweet-tasting remedy,
For your eternal case of the blues.

If you ain’t gonna listen,
You might as well just go back home;
I’m no miracle worker,
So stop shouting at me for wanting to be alone.

You never realized,
How narrow-minded you actually are;
I can’t help you,
Mend your wounds and stitch your scars.

Stop hatin’ on the world,
It gets us nowhere;
Stop holding grudges on the innocent,
When you really should be blamin’ you and your own affairs.

I care too much,
When you can’t give a fuck;
Empathy is in my nature,
Well, I guess ignorance is in yours.

I tried to help you once, twice, a third,
I can say that I tried;
Well, dear, the problem ain’t me,
The issue is that your heart withered and died.

Stop complaining that I sound like a bitch,
I’m being open and honest, I’m gonna tell the truth;
You came to me, so that’s how it’s gonna be,
Hey, I’m not the only one who’s acting uncouth.

I know, friend, I sound like I’m smart,
It’s past experiences that have made me that way;
But I’ve offered all I can,
And now there’s nothing left to give.

Now, get out of my face,
With your skin toned red, and breath of stale cigarettes;
Turn around, close the door on your way out,
We both know this ain’t over yet.

Yeah, seeya fuckin’ next time…

I can’t really complain,
It happens often, every now and again;
People knockin’ hard upon my door,
Wanting me to take away the pain.

They don’t know how lucky they have it,
What they don’t seem to understand, what isn't clear;
Is that it takes everything in me,
Just to make myself believe that I can feel.

---

Emily G. Fieldus
March 16th, 2009

My heart sighs every time it smiles.

Andy's back at school.

He helped me with math today. Well, he tried.

He makes me laugh like no one can.

He was wearing some sort of cologne though, which disappointed me. He has such a wonderful natural smell.

Why do you torture me so. Just finish me off... but no,

Stay a little while longer...

I am feeling much better today than I was yesterday, although I am still having body pains and my throat is sore today. I am working on my final test for English Literature and it is proving to be difficult.

 

I saw a headline today on MSN about a pastor who encouraged his congregation to improve their marriages by being more intimate. Hmm... I saw an article like that in a magazine a few months ago. I think I am going to try it. I better wait until I am feeling a little better, but I have heard many reports on how well it works.

 

I have, since I have been sick, slacked on praying to the LORD, but I am going to start back tomorrow and rededicate myself to His love and mercy. Thanks Featherdawn for always blogging about Him and making me realize where I should be.

Jesus died for us, will we live for Him?