Feel Like Shit @ MindSay 
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feeling like shit
dejected
i didn't see albert today, even tho i was tabling. i got all excited n anxious, n then sure enough, he didn't come say hi. i hate when this happens, especially now, because it only makes me think more that something is up and he won't tell me. i told him when i saw him on thursday that i feel like he's hiding something from me, n he was just like, "i don't know what to say." the fact that i didn't see him friday or today only makes me feel that way that much more. sure, i kno its the end of the semester n he'd got a lot of school shit to do, but seriously, u can't take FIVE MINUTES out of one damn day to talk to someone? he's only taking like three classes n he only works saturday, sunday, and wednesday. he's got lots of free time!
n i know he's told me before that 11:00am monday n friday are the best times for him n cyn to see their marriage counselor together or for him to go to the dentist, but weren't they only seeing a counselor together once a month? and didn't he take care of all of that dentist shit like a month ago?
I really hope i see him wednesday so i can vent all this crazy shit out n get a better idea of what the hell is going on.
n i know he's told me before that 11:00am monday n friday are the best times for him n cyn to see their marriage counselor together or for him to go to the dentist, but weren't they only seeing a counselor together once a month? and didn't he take care of all of that dentist shit like a month ago?
I really hope i see him wednesday so i can vent all this crazy shit out n get a better idea of what the hell is going on.
I Keep Losing My Grip On Your Hand
I can't sleep. My body is addicted to caffeine, cigarettes, and Klonopin. My blood pressure right now is 102/62 and my pulse 112. I can't sleep even though I feel tired. I just read that in small doses, Klonopin causes insomnia. Hurry for fucking me! I've intentially gone without sleep for like a couple days, but never because of a fucking medication. If I hadn't gotten any sleep last night, I would've been pushing 48 hours without sleep.
I feel so alone. I have my parents, my boyfriend, and one friend who I hang out with when she's not working her ass off. They all are able to sleep. It gets so god damn lonely waiting for everyone to wake the fuck up. It frustrates me. I want to punch a hole throw a fucking wall.
I want to be off these medications. The damn doctor doesn't fucking understand shit. He may be able to sympathize, but only people who have gone through it can understand. This withdrawal from the Cymbalta, this addiction to Klonopin plus the reoccuring addiction to cigarettes and coffee, is Hell on earth - mentally and physically. I can't control anything which is making me want to cut myself just to be in control of SOMETHING, anything!
I feel ugly. I feel like a failure. I feel worthless, confused, lonely, miserable, depressed, stupid. I need support from the ones who love me, but feel like I'm not getting it in the way that I need to. My boyfriend lives in fucking Canada and I wish so bad that he would just come down here for a week. I would pay for everything even the missed pay, but he won't. He can't stand the idea of being with me only to leave me a week later. I need someone to hold me. I don't need people to tell me that it's alright or that everything will get better. I need silent love. I don't want to talk about how I feel or how miserable life is. I just want to be held. I want to be held by someone other than my parents. But who else is there? Not my boyfriend, not my friend who works constantly, no one. It seems all anyone can fucking do is be the damn broken record in my life and tell me that things will get better, that it's okay.
There is this person who makes videos on Youtube. I find him hilarious, but it's like no one else does. I mean, no one that I know. It's like having something funny to tell someone, but no one to tell. I don't watch this person's videos just because their funny, but because even though the person is just acting, he is able to express and do things that I can't do. He screams, he throws fits, he shows his true self to millions of people and I admire him for that even if it's just an act. I wish I could talk to him. I
I have an obsession with the band My Chemical Romance, but of course nobody I know is as enthralled with them as I am. I mean, they might like their music, but they don't know how side projects or watch videos about them or anything. That, along with the Youtube kid, makes me feel even more alone. More alien and outcast.
Right now if I could do anything I would go to this local, small cemetery. I don't know anyone who is buried there, but it's peaceful and calm. It has lots of trees and old tombstones. But of course, I don't have a driver's license and I know that no one is going to drive me there. But that is where I wish I could be right now. I can just imagine, sitting on one of the raised tombstones, a slight breeze against my skin, just thinking - not a care in the world. Just watching the world around me, asleep and at peace. /sigh
I feel so alone. I have my parents, my boyfriend, and one friend who I hang out with when she's not working her ass off. They all are able to sleep. It gets so god damn lonely waiting for everyone to wake the fuck up. It frustrates me. I want to punch a hole throw a fucking wall.
I want to be off these medications. The damn doctor doesn't fucking understand shit. He may be able to sympathize, but only people who have gone through it can understand. This withdrawal from the Cymbalta, this addiction to Klonopin plus the reoccuring addiction to cigarettes and coffee, is Hell on earth - mentally and physically. I can't control anything which is making me want to cut myself just to be in control of SOMETHING, anything!
I feel ugly. I feel like a failure. I feel worthless, confused, lonely, miserable, depressed, stupid. I need support from the ones who love me, but feel like I'm not getting it in the way that I need to. My boyfriend lives in fucking Canada and I wish so bad that he would just come down here for a week. I would pay for everything even the missed pay, but he won't. He can't stand the idea of being with me only to leave me a week later. I need someone to hold me. I don't need people to tell me that it's alright or that everything will get better. I need silent love. I don't want to talk about how I feel or how miserable life is. I just want to be held. I want to be held by someone other than my parents. But who else is there? Not my boyfriend, not my friend who works constantly, no one. It seems all anyone can fucking do is be the damn broken record in my life and tell me that things will get better, that it's okay.
There is this person who makes videos on Youtube. I find him hilarious, but it's like no one else does. I mean, no one that I know. It's like having something funny to tell someone, but no one to tell. I don't watch this person's videos just because their funny, but because even though the person is just acting, he is able to express and do things that I can't do. He screams, he throws fits, he shows his true self to millions of people and I admire him for that even if it's just an act. I wish I could talk to him. I
I have an obsession with the band My Chemical Romance, but of course nobody I know is as enthralled with them as I am. I mean, they might like their music, but they don't know how side projects or watch videos about them or anything. That, along with the Youtube kid, makes me feel even more alone. More alien and outcast.
Right now if I could do anything I would go to this local, small cemetery. I don't know anyone who is buried there, but it's peaceful and calm. It has lots of trees and old tombstones. But of course, I don't have a driver's license and I know that no one is going to drive me there. But that is where I wish I could be right now. I can just imagine, sitting on one of the raised tombstones, a slight breeze against my skin, just thinking - not a care in the world. Just watching the world around me, asleep and at peace. /sigh
POHOB.
i need to learn how to be more confrontational.
and how to not be afraid to argue with someone and say mean things and have mean things said to me.
i need to learn how to really stick up for what i believe in when it comes to talking about people.
and how to not make myself look or feel stupid in the process.
i'm sorry, Caesey.
i feel like shit now.
i should've said something. i know it.
i'm sorry.
and how to not be afraid to argue with someone and say mean things and have mean things said to me.
i need to learn how to really stick up for what i believe in when it comes to talking about people.
and how to not make myself look or feel stupid in the process.
i'm sorry, Caesey.
i feel like shit now.
i should've said something. i know it.
i'm sorry.
(no subject)
I finally got the My Chemical Romance movie, "Life on the Murder Scene." I haven't finished watching it all, but so far it's excellent. The most important part so far, to me anyway, is when Gerard talks about how he was on anti-depressants like Wellbutrin (I was on that shit too) and then how he started messing around with other shit like Xanax and getting completely mashed all the time. Eventually, he became severely depressed and suicidal.
It makes me feel good to know that there is someone who I look up to that has been through a lot of the same bullshit that I have. It's funny - in a quote I read by Gerard, he said it made him feel good to look out on the audience and know that he wasn't alone in the way he was feeling, like depressed and confused.
Fans, and even Gerard, have said that MCR saved their lives. Today, as I sit here at almost 3am, I can say that I feel like MCR has finally saved mine. There have been other bands, like Slipknot, who really helped me pull myself through life, but that's the only thing they did - just pulled my through. I never felt any better and things never improved. I feel, though, that MCR is a different band. They said that they aren't a band because they just love to play, but because they want to help people and make a difference in people's lives. They definitely have.
I know it sounds stupid, but just knowing that Gerard went through almost the exact same bullshit that I've gone through - being on anti-depressants, constantly being high as fuck on OTC drugs, having major suicidal tendencies - it just makes me feel good to know that someone I look up to so highly has walked the same path that I have. I makes me feel closer to him as a person, not as a celebrity. It makes me feel like I'm not alone, that someone understands me.
Unfortunately, he found his path in life. I haven't. I know that I don't want to be on anymore anti-depressants or fucking ADD medication. I want to find a therapist and work out all of my problems. I want to graduate high school and move on to bigger and better things. The only problem is... I have no idea what I want to do. It's like I can't see that far into the future (I think the depression does that to me). I'm a good artist, I love reading, I love doing all sorts of interesting things and I'm a very open-minded person, but where will all of that take me? How could I make a career out of being an artist? I would love to do FX makeup, but how would I get on the track and get a job doing that? Maybe I was just too sheltered in life. I'm 18 years old and have never had a job, never gone to a party, I don't even have my driver's license yet. I guess I'll just have to take it one step at a time.
It makes me feel good to know that there is someone who I look up to that has been through a lot of the same bullshit that I have. It's funny - in a quote I read by Gerard, he said it made him feel good to look out on the audience and know that he wasn't alone in the way he was feeling, like depressed and confused.
Fans, and even Gerard, have said that MCR saved their lives. Today, as I sit here at almost 3am, I can say that I feel like MCR has finally saved mine. There have been other bands, like Slipknot, who really helped me pull myself through life, but that's the only thing they did - just pulled my through. I never felt any better and things never improved. I feel, though, that MCR is a different band. They said that they aren't a band because they just love to play, but because they want to help people and make a difference in people's lives. They definitely have.
I know it sounds stupid, but just knowing that Gerard went through almost the exact same bullshit that I've gone through - being on anti-depressants, constantly being high as fuck on OTC drugs, having major suicidal tendencies - it just makes me feel good to know that someone I look up to so highly has walked the same path that I have. I makes me feel closer to him as a person, not as a celebrity. It makes me feel like I'm not alone, that someone understands me.
Unfortunately, he found his path in life. I haven't. I know that I don't want to be on anymore anti-depressants or fucking ADD medication. I want to find a therapist and work out all of my problems. I want to graduate high school and move on to bigger and better things. The only problem is... I have no idea what I want to do. It's like I can't see that far into the future (I think the depression does that to me). I'm a good artist, I love reading, I love doing all sorts of interesting things and I'm a very open-minded person, but where will all of that take me? How could I make a career out of being an artist? I would love to do FX makeup, but how would I get on the track and get a job doing that? Maybe I was just too sheltered in life. I'm 18 years old and have never had a job, never gone to a party, I don't even have my driver's license yet. I guess I'll just have to take it one step at a time.
Murphey's Law of Emotional Stability
A person will not feel like shit until every single person that could offer emotional reinforcement is unavailable.
And don't feel guilty about it Hannah. I wasn't going to tell you what was up anyway. Okay, that's a lie, but there's still no way you could have known. Not that it will matter, because you're not going to see this for a good long while, likely as not.
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