Feel Bad Again @ MindSay 
feel bad
you know you do, you kill me well
i'm having a problem with anxiety right now. i don't want to get all emo, but all i ever do is listen to other people's problems. i'm fine with it usually but lately i've just been having all these emotions of my own and i can never talk to anyone about them and i never get time alone hardly to just think. today i was with my friend and my crush and we went to a park and i just wanted to go chill by myself on the swings. i was fine there for awhile but then i started shaking really bad and breathing hard and almost crying and i felt like i was gunna puke. then, to make it worse, the guy i like snuck up on me and saw me like that. he asked what was wrong but i don't want to say anything because i don't want him to think i'm messed up and complicated. he gave me a hug, though, and i felt better for awhile. i really want to be with him because he makes me feel so good about everything. i like listening but talking about myself always feels awkward to me. i feel like crying right now. i don't even want to say all my real problems on here, it's just such bad stuff and everyone will judge me. i need to talk to my friends in person but they're always busy.
"Invisible walls are hard to climb"
http://www.onemanga.com/Tsubasa_Reservoir_Chronicles/1/04/
I've always liked Tsubasa Chronicles, but this picture has never spoken to me so much before as it does now.
We see each other. We're close enough to touch, but we can't. We reach out for each other, but the touch is stopped by the unbreakable glass. Our hands press against the clear wall, so close to each other and miles apart at the same time. It looks as if we're holding each other, for a second, but we're not. There's no warmth: just the chill of the smooth wall.
I can't say if I'm Syaoren or Sakura in this picture: frankly, I feel like both.
I'm not trying to be a mopey emo, but this is something that I'm really worried about. It's something that I've always done, and I don't even know why. It never mattered much to me before, mostly because I didn't realize I was doing it. Now that I know, I realize I have to change.
There is a glass wall around me, too. Ask me a question, and I will answer. Ask me a question about myself, and I'll change the subject. It's not as if I don't like talking about myself...I'm just as self-obsessed as the next guy, after all. The problem is I can't.
I feel things very deeply. I mourn, I laugh, I get so angry I want to destroy the world. Anyone who sees me would know this. But that's all you'd ever see.
I can't show what I feel. I feel like I can't communicate honestly to anyone. I'm more than happy to discuss all your problems with you, but the instant you ask about mine, I clam up. It's not that I don't want to talk about them, either.
It's that I can't.
I don't know how I got to be like this, but I feel so fucked up. I know there's something wrong with me, and posting this in some blog is the only way I can share it with anyone. My voice won't work, no matter how much I try.
I hate this. I hate this so much, being unable to share anything with anyone else. And it's getting to be the biggest problem I've had in my life so far.
My friend wrote this poem awhile ago, and I feel bad about using it here, but it just says everything I just wrote here so perfectly:
Your eyes pierce into me
Trying to read my soul.
I push you away, I try to run
But I can't escape your hold
You long to see inside me
What I hide so deep within.
But my shattered heart can't just come out
And I can't let you in.
Patient, you wait for me
And try to scale my protecting walls.
Please, stop this hopeless attempt to climb
Before one of us falls.
-Liza Pichette
(Link to poem: http://www.fictionpress.com/s/1963040/1/Before_one_of_us_falls)
There is someone trying to scale my protecting walls...but I'm afraid that I won't be the one that falls. And I want to. God, do I want to.
I've always liked Tsubasa Chronicles, but this picture has never spoken to me so much before as it does now.
We see each other. We're close enough to touch, but we can't. We reach out for each other, but the touch is stopped by the unbreakable glass. Our hands press against the clear wall, so close to each other and miles apart at the same time. It looks as if we're holding each other, for a second, but we're not. There's no warmth: just the chill of the smooth wall.
I can't say if I'm Syaoren or Sakura in this picture: frankly, I feel like both.
I'm not trying to be a mopey emo, but this is something that I'm really worried about. It's something that I've always done, and I don't even know why. It never mattered much to me before, mostly because I didn't realize I was doing it. Now that I know, I realize I have to change.
There is a glass wall around me, too. Ask me a question, and I will answer. Ask me a question about myself, and I'll change the subject. It's not as if I don't like talking about myself...I'm just as self-obsessed as the next guy, after all. The problem is I can't.
I feel things very deeply. I mourn, I laugh, I get so angry I want to destroy the world. Anyone who sees me would know this. But that's all you'd ever see.
I can't show what I feel. I feel like I can't communicate honestly to anyone. I'm more than happy to discuss all your problems with you, but the instant you ask about mine, I clam up. It's not that I don't want to talk about them, either.
It's that I can't.
I don't know how I got to be like this, but I feel so fucked up. I know there's something wrong with me, and posting this in some blog is the only way I can share it with anyone. My voice won't work, no matter how much I try.
I hate this. I hate this so much, being unable to share anything with anyone else. And it's getting to be the biggest problem I've had in my life so far.
My friend wrote this poem awhile ago, and I feel bad about using it here, but it just says everything I just wrote here so perfectly:
Your eyes pierce into me
Trying to read my soul.
I push you away, I try to run
But I can't escape your hold
You long to see inside me
What I hide so deep within.
But my shattered heart can't just come out
And I can't let you in.
Patient, you wait for me
And try to scale my protecting walls.
Please, stop this hopeless attempt to climb
Before one of us falls.
-Liza Pichette
(Link to poem: http://www.fictionpress.com/s/1963040/1/Before_one_of_us_falls)
There is someone trying to scale my protecting walls...but I'm afraid that I won't be the one that falls. And I want to. God, do I want to.
I Keep Losing My Grip On Your Hand
I can't sleep. My body is addicted to caffeine, cigarettes, and Klonopin. My blood pressure right now is 102/62 and my pulse 112. I can't sleep even though I feel tired. I just read that in small doses, Klonopin causes insomnia. Hurry for fucking me! I've intentially gone without sleep for like a couple days, but never because of a fucking medication. If I hadn't gotten any sleep last night, I would've been pushing 48 hours without sleep.
I feel so alone. I have my parents, my boyfriend, and one friend who I hang out with when she's not working her ass off. They all are able to sleep. It gets so god damn lonely waiting for everyone to wake the fuck up. It frustrates me. I want to punch a hole throw a fucking wall.
I want to be off these medications. The damn doctor doesn't fucking understand shit. He may be able to sympathize, but only people who have gone through it can understand. This withdrawal from the Cymbalta, this addiction to Klonopin plus the reoccuring addiction to cigarettes and coffee, is Hell on earth - mentally and physically. I can't control anything which is making me want to cut myself just to be in control of SOMETHING, anything!
I feel ugly. I feel like a failure. I feel worthless, confused, lonely, miserable, depressed, stupid. I need support from the ones who love me, but feel like I'm not getting it in the way that I need to. My boyfriend lives in fucking Canada and I wish so bad that he would just come down here for a week. I would pay for everything even the missed pay, but he won't. He can't stand the idea of being with me only to leave me a week later. I need someone to hold me. I don't need people to tell me that it's alright or that everything will get better. I need silent love. I don't want to talk about how I feel or how miserable life is. I just want to be held. I want to be held by someone other than my parents. But who else is there? Not my boyfriend, not my friend who works constantly, no one. It seems all anyone can fucking do is be the damn broken record in my life and tell me that things will get better, that it's okay.
There is this person who makes videos on Youtube. I find him hilarious, but it's like no one else does. I mean, no one that I know. It's like having something funny to tell someone, but no one to tell. I don't watch this person's videos just because their funny, but because even though the person is just acting, he is able to express and do things that I can't do. He screams, he throws fits, he shows his true self to millions of people and I admire him for that even if it's just an act. I wish I could talk to him. I
I have an obsession with the band My Chemical Romance, but of course nobody I know is as enthralled with them as I am. I mean, they might like their music, but they don't know how side projects or watch videos about them or anything. That, along with the Youtube kid, makes me feel even more alone. More alien and outcast.
Right now if I could do anything I would go to this local, small cemetery. I don't know anyone who is buried there, but it's peaceful and calm. It has lots of trees and old tombstones. But of course, I don't have a driver's license and I know that no one is going to drive me there. But that is where I wish I could be right now. I can just imagine, sitting on one of the raised tombstones, a slight breeze against my skin, just thinking - not a care in the world. Just watching the world around me, asleep and at peace. /sigh
I feel so alone. I have my parents, my boyfriend, and one friend who I hang out with when she's not working her ass off. They all are able to sleep. It gets so god damn lonely waiting for everyone to wake the fuck up. It frustrates me. I want to punch a hole throw a fucking wall.
I want to be off these medications. The damn doctor doesn't fucking understand shit. He may be able to sympathize, but only people who have gone through it can understand. This withdrawal from the Cymbalta, this addiction to Klonopin plus the reoccuring addiction to cigarettes and coffee, is Hell on earth - mentally and physically. I can't control anything which is making me want to cut myself just to be in control of SOMETHING, anything!
I feel ugly. I feel like a failure. I feel worthless, confused, lonely, miserable, depressed, stupid. I need support from the ones who love me, but feel like I'm not getting it in the way that I need to. My boyfriend lives in fucking Canada and I wish so bad that he would just come down here for a week. I would pay for everything even the missed pay, but he won't. He can't stand the idea of being with me only to leave me a week later. I need someone to hold me. I don't need people to tell me that it's alright or that everything will get better. I need silent love. I don't want to talk about how I feel or how miserable life is. I just want to be held. I want to be held by someone other than my parents. But who else is there? Not my boyfriend, not my friend who works constantly, no one. It seems all anyone can fucking do is be the damn broken record in my life and tell me that things will get better, that it's okay.
There is this person who makes videos on Youtube. I find him hilarious, but it's like no one else does. I mean, no one that I know. It's like having something funny to tell someone, but no one to tell. I don't watch this person's videos just because their funny, but because even though the person is just acting, he is able to express and do things that I can't do. He screams, he throws fits, he shows his true self to millions of people and I admire him for that even if it's just an act. I wish I could talk to him. I
I have an obsession with the band My Chemical Romance, but of course nobody I know is as enthralled with them as I am. I mean, they might like their music, but they don't know how side projects or watch videos about them or anything. That, along with the Youtube kid, makes me feel even more alone. More alien and outcast.
Right now if I could do anything I would go to this local, small cemetery. I don't know anyone who is buried there, but it's peaceful and calm. It has lots of trees and old tombstones. But of course, I don't have a driver's license and I know that no one is going to drive me there. But that is where I wish I could be right now. I can just imagine, sitting on one of the raised tombstones, a slight breeze against my skin, just thinking - not a care in the world. Just watching the world around me, asleep and at peace. /sigh
ohhhhhhhhhhhg odddddddddddddd... uhhhhhhhhhhh
no sleep last night almost
i had a bad fight and told someone to go hang themselves
then they said they would
ohhh fuck i feel bad
they didnt but i thought they actually would
fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck
then i had this bad ass dream and it made me feel even worse
then i felt sick at school
well not really
i just felt really faint and exhausted physcally and emotionally
so i went home
i made myself sicker
my brother came down stairs and told me he baked me a cookie
he sounded so suspicious
he was either doing something real bad or nice
i went to see it and he'd used all the cookie dough to make a giant cookie
and i ate half and feel sick
ima dumb shit lol
im going to get really fat one day
made a new bebo skin this is the main_bg
lol
gaia event
way dif this year
this is my bebo shit:
▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀
♬♪♫ MUSik iS MY B!tCH ♬♪♫
←Cazzazzleness,
Bring the violence`
It's significant`
To the life`
If you've ever known anyone`
Bring the violence`
It's significant`
To the life`
Can you feel it?`
<3 Violence Fetish // Slipknot
◄▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬
█║▌│█│║▌║││█║▌│║▌║║▌║║
© ςคzค 1кg/$2 ®
ιllιlι═══════[♥]═══════ιlιllι
нєyσ тнιѕ ιѕ уσυя...
(¯`v´¯)
.`·.¸.·´ ♥ ċ-ċ-ċ-ċäżä♥ ♥
¸.·´¸.·´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·´ .·´ ¸¸.·¨¯`·.
ιllιlι═══════[♥]═══════ιlιllι
╔════════════════════╗
║██████14♀WEGC07██████║
╚════════════════════╝
«l๏שєร คภ๔ ฬเll ๔เє Ŧ๏г {♥ℓσℓℓι ♥ ηιηα ♥ נσнη ♥ мυѕι¢ ♥ мαкє-υρ ♥ ¢αρѕι¢υм ♥ кαтαмαяι ♥ ƒяιєη∂ѕ ♥ && ♥ тσωη}»
♡
«lєคשє ค ς๏๓๓єภt ๏г ค ๓єรรคﻮє คŦtєг tђє ๒єєק {єνєη ιƒ уσυ αяє α яαη∂σм} ๒ยt ภ๏ гคภ๔๏๓ Ŧгเєภ๔ร гєợยєรtร»
♥
«♀ + ♂ = ♥♡♥»
♡
«*★*★ ©ⓐⓩⓐ ⓛⓞⓥⓔⓢ ⓣⓗⓔ ⓢⓗⓘⓝⓨ ⓣⓗⓘⓝⓖⓢ ★*★*»
ιllιlι═══════[♥]═══════ιlιllι
P E A C E ~ O U T
dont know why im posting it....im bored
fuck
oh man i haet it when 'agatha' dresses halloween
creepy shit aye
im listening to
i am hated // slipknot
and using suggested tags
Old man logan:
Want some candy, bub? Sure, lemme just reach into this fish here...
i had a bad fight and told someone to go hang themselves
then they said they would
ohhh fuck i feel bad
they didnt but i thought they actually would
fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck
then i had this bad ass dream and it made me feel even worse
then i felt sick at school
well not really
i just felt really faint and exhausted physcally and emotionally
so i went home
i made myself sicker
my brother came down stairs and told me he baked me a cookie
he sounded so suspicious
he was either doing something real bad or nice
i went to see it and he'd used all the cookie dough to make a giant cookie
and i ate half and feel sick
ima dumb shit lol
im going to get really fat one day
made a new bebo skin this is the main_bg
lol
gaia event
way dif this year
this is my bebo shit:
▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀
♬♪♫ MUSik iS MY B!tCH ♬♪♫
←Cazzazzleness,
Bring the violence`
It's significant`
To the life`
If you've ever known anyone`
Bring the violence`
It's significant`
To the life`
Can you feel it?`
<3 Violence Fetish // Slipknot
◄▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬
█║▌│█│║▌║││█║▌│║▌║║▌║║
© ςคzค 1кg/$2 ®
ιllιlι═══════[♥]═══════ιlιllι
нєyσ тнιѕ ιѕ уσυя...
(¯`v´¯)
.`·.¸.·´ ♥ ċ-ċ-ċ-ċäżä♥ ♥
¸.·´¸.·´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·´ .·´ ¸¸.·¨¯`·.
ιllιlι═══════[♥]═══════ιlιllι
╔════════════════════╗
║██████14♀WEGC07██████║
╚════════════════════╝
«l๏שєร คภ๔ ฬเll ๔เє Ŧ๏г {♥ℓσℓℓι ♥ ηιηα ♥ נσнη ♥ мυѕι¢ ♥ мαкє-υρ ♥ ¢αρѕι¢υм ♥ кαтαмαяι ♥ ƒяιєη∂ѕ ♥ && ♥ тσωη}»
♡
«lєคשє ค ς๏๓๓єภt ๏г ค ๓єรรคﻮє คŦtєг tђє ๒єєק {єνєη ιƒ уσυ αяє α яαη∂σм} ๒ยt ภ๏ гคภ๔๏๓ Ŧгเєภ๔ร гєợยєรtร»
♥
«♀ + ♂ = ♥♡♥»
♡
«*★*★ ©ⓐⓩⓐ ⓛⓞⓥⓔⓢ ⓣⓗⓔ ⓢⓗⓘⓝⓨ ⓣⓗⓘⓝⓖⓢ ★*★*»
ιllιlι═══════[♥]═══════ιlιllι
P E A C E ~ O U T
dont know why im posting it....im bored
fuck
oh man i haet it when 'agatha' dresses halloween
creepy shit aye
im listening to
i am hated // slipknot
and using suggested tags
Old man logan:
Want some candy, bub? Sure, lemme just reach into this fish here...
lol
suggeted tags
fuck you mindsay
I feel neglected by myself
I really can't believe I didn't do a b-day post on the 3rd of September for myself.
I feel bad.
Anyways, I'm sixteen as of then.
I feel bad.
Anyways, I'm sixteen as of then.
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