Feel @ MindSay

I actually feel good right now! I am done with Andy! It started with not calling him, and now he's been online and I did not start a conversation! He said hi and all I said was Hello. But then I was looking around on youtube and found a video, of a song I knew a long time ago. But right now it has a lot of meaning, and I sent the link to him! I will Survive! I FEEL GREAT RIGHT NOW! XD

I WILL SURVIVE!

First I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
without you by my side
But I spent so many nights
thinking how you did me wrong
I grew strong
I learned how to carry on
and so you're back
from outer space
I just walked in to find you here
with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed my stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I had known for just one second
you'd be back to bother me

Go on now go walk out the door
just turn around now
'cause you're not welcome anymore
weren't you the one who tried to break me with goodbye
you think I'd crumble
you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
as long as i know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
and I'll survive
I will survive

It took all the strength I had
not to fall apart
kept trying hard to mend
the pieces of my broken heart
and I spent oh so many nights
just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
Now I hold my head up high
and you see me
somebody new
I'm not that chained up little person
still in love with you
and so you felt like dropping in
and just expect me to be free
now I'm saving all my loving
for someone who's loving me

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Xv6lHwWwO3w&feature=related 

I really like to make guys feel good. And yes, of course that sounds normal, but I also mean sexually. which again, is probably pretty common, but I don't know if it's to an extreme. I suppose it most likely isn't abnormal, that I would want to pleasure those I care about.

But it just makes me really happy, and aroused sometimes. But even happiness that isn't sexual, it just brings me joy to make a guy have an orgasm.

I feel really disappointed if I try and don't succeed. It's only happened, once, but it made me sad. We weren't even going out. It's not about relationship I don't think, but I don't really know. I don't talk to many girls... so I don't have anything to compare with.

Could it be psychological? Is it a problem? I don't know... I just know that I could even have just met someone, as happened once, and I was playing with his little friend. I know it's not necessarily a sexual thing. I enjoy playing with it even when not involved in sexual activity, really. Like watching a movie, playing video games, etc. It usually turns him on, but I generally just like the feeling of it in my hands. And then, making him orgasm if we decide to engage in that.

Maybe it's a physical thing? I just like the touch, and to know how he is feeling. And having the power to make him feel good. Control or power, or just enjoying his pleasure? I don't know... It's kind of an obsession. But maybe not. I've never really talked to anyone about it. What do you think? Can anyone relate? >.<

I have talked about love a lot. But what is it? Do I even know what it is? I talked to a friend, and he says I don't. He says I can't feel love. He says I can't know what it is, because of my age. I have to say I completely disagree with this. I felt it was almost insulting to hear him say that. I know I'm probably doing to get mixed responses on this one, from people who share his belief, and people who agree with me.

I just don't think you can truly put an age on love. He says if you don't know what it is, you can't feel it. I don't think feelings are like that. Something can make you angry, and even if you don't know the word that means angry, or understand what it means to be angry, you can still be angry. We can have feelings and not know what they are. That's my opinion.

And love, I feel I know it very well. Too well, if that's possible. I have been in love a few times, and I don't doubt that it was love that I was and am feeling right now. People describe love in different ways, and have different definitions, and I think that's fine, but for someone to tell me that I can't feel love, when I feel it so strongly... I just don't know what to say to them.

Who can tell another person what they can or cannot feel? We aren't them, we can't know, and I don't think we should judge. Now I know I probably sound pretty nieve, and maybe I am. I won't deny it's possible. However, I believe in love, and I believe that I am in love. I don't see how he can deny that.

I believe that love is to care for someone immensely, obviously. I  think that is the basis. And we could define love, but everyone who's felt it knows what it is, and those who haven't, don't.

Love is a feeling. A very strong feeling. I am in love. I have loved someone for over two years now. I am quite certain of that. I have felt it so strongly it sometimes makes me dizzy, it makes me do crazy things. Anyone whos read my blog all along knows this.

I don't think someone should tell me what I can and can't feel.

With all my pretending everything is okay, I often fool myself. I'm at a constant state of crisis, of breaking down, I feel drained and dead and explosive with emotion, I could cry anytime and I feel like dying... but in public, I am okay. I am happy, and human. I am fine. I ignore and hide all my negative emotions so no one asks questions, so I can talk to people and have normal conversations, so I can make friends. I'm so bad at making friends and I seem to be even worse at keeping them. I don't feel like doing anything and I have so much to do.

And I think, well, why can't I do this? This work is easy, what is wrong with me? I try my best in everything and it takes forever, and sometimes I just can't get it done. I feel pathetic, and I think about all the things I go through every day, I just keep pushing, I know it's hard and I have reasons. But I don't think they're good enough. I still feel it's my fault I don't get things done. I'm not sure it is, considering I don't choose to feel the way I do and I fight every day to keep living.

"When you're fighting the current you forget how to live" is from a Goo Goo Dolls song called " Feel the Silence". It is one of my favourite songs and means so much to me. It describes so many things I feel, I can completely relate. I don't know how many time it has made me cry. I can't express all these things I'm feeling. And if I did, I don't really have anyone to express them to anyway. He was the only one that understood. And now he's gone.
Here's the full lyrics:

"Feel The Silence"

You lie awake at night
With blue eyes that never cry
All you remember now
Is what you feel

The truth remains
In midnight conversations
I asked for this moment
But you turned away

Sad like a lonely child
Broken the day you're born
I held the light to you
But I was so vain

And you remain
A promise unfulfilled
I ask you for more
But you push me away

And if we feel the silence
Holding this all inside
Everything means more now than
Words could explain

And if we feel the silence
Holding this all inside us
Looking for something more to say
I don't know where I'm going
Only know where I been
But you move through my soul like a hurricane wind
We've been so lost for so long
I don't know how to get back again
And we're drowning in the water
That flows under this bridge
When you're fighting the current
You forget how to live
And I wanted to reach you but I don't know where to begin
And you remain
A promise unfulfilled until today

And if we feel the silence
Holding this all inside
Everything means more now than
Words could explain
And if we feel the silence
Leaving this all behind us
When it's gone what will you say

How do we hold on
How do we hold on
How do we hold on
How do we hold on
How do we hold on

You lie awake at night
With blue eyes that never cry

Hmm... sometimes I get this I'm better you feeling in my blood, when there isn't really anything to be better about.
I mean, people can feel pain and such. They can get attached to people and create something out of it.

I used to be able to do that, but it's hard to remember how, why and when lately. I think I fake my feelings out so much, I just repress everything. I kind of feel like a shadow in a way. At the end of the day, you want to feel like you belong somewhere and feel loved. I just kind of dissapear in my room and think of things. I just stay awake on energy drinks and coffee all night...

Thinking, drawing, writing... watching the time go by.