Fear Before @ MindSay 
fear factor
The Wisdom Of Fear
Fear has a way of throwing us off balance, making us feel uncertain and insecure, but it is not meant to discourage us. Its purpose is to notify us that we are at the edge of our comfort zone, poised in between the old life and a new one. Whenever we face our fear, we overcome an inner obstacle and move into new and life-enhancing territory, both inside and out. The more we learn to respect and even welcome fear, the more we will be able to hear its wisdom, wisdom that will let us know that the time has come to move forward, or not. While comfort with fear is a contradiction in terms, we can learn to honor our fear, recognizing its arrival, listening to its intelligence, and respecting it as a harbinger of transformation. Indeed, it informs us that the change we are contemplating is significant, enabling us to approach it with the proper reverence.
You might wish to converse with your fear, plumbing its depths for a greater understanding of the change you are making. You could do this by sitting quietly in meditation and listening or by journaling. Writing down whatever comes up-your worries, your sadness, your excitement, your hopes-is a great way to learn about yourself through the vehicle of fear and to remember that fear almost always comes alongside anything worth doing in your life
it stole the ability to hence go hither
no light shines on the absolute zero
the clenching, caniving in fear, anti-hero
I blame the one who steps foot in the path
and longing I will yearn for a final ending clash
but my curious eyes will pop the bubble of sanity
and threaten to expose the well-played fantasy
for what nails in the palm goes bleeding within
a rejecting of truth and accepting of sin
it's a blinding, undermining, whispy, chilling cold
after fires of perception flickered out under the folds
in fear, anti-hero tries to do good
but it makes cloaking the bearer an insidious hood
being haunted and chased by an anti-green it
ever finding, reminding what burning life is lit
as I lay in your arms.
I am so easily broken,
and you don't know it yet.
As I hide my face,
burrying it into your chest.
You can't see the fear,
the memories in my eyes.
The blue ones you love,
the ones that are flooding.
Spilling countless tears,
onto this cold pillow.
It has no warmth in it,
no comfort like you.
But you still dont know,
the fear that I hide here.
Below the surface,
behind this mask of lies.
This past is killing me,
breaking me apart inside.
Cause I love you,
but this fear is so strong.
It continues to control me,
making me unable to move.
Paralyzed and blank,
you wont see it here.
But I'm so afraid,
not of the past.
Not of what happened,
but afraid of how.
How much I'm falling still,
how much I love you.
How much I need you,
and you still dont see.
my fear of your hand,
has not to
do with your heart.
my fear of your hand,
has to do with,
im lost.
i dont know who i am,
so how do i
know you.
my fear grows
that me or you will be
used.
i know i'll hurt you
i can feel it now.
this guilty pain
maiming me inside.
you offer love,
it reachs out
like mine.
but my fear,
only allows it
to those,
who wont love me.
and when a hand,
of love
caresses mine,
i cower in fear and cry.
i want to be held,
yet i want
no attachments.
oh!
what a torture this is.
i want to
give in.
why i cant
i dont know.
these are the ways
of a commitment phobic.
This evening Saturday I experienced something odd.
I had a very strange and negative experience with drugs. Drugs have been a part of me and a part of my life and activities...artistic, recreational, things of the sort...for...ages. For as long as I clearly remember being as coherent of the world as I am now. I have, through and with drugs, expeirenced planes of being not within the reach of my sober mind...have experienced people in ways unbeleiveable to me...have intensified experiences tenfold...yes, drugs are a very interesting and deeply woven aspect of my life.
And this is not to say I havent had really awful experiences with drugs. I have...I certianly have...but not really like this. No, never really like this. I had not done anything really intense, save a bowl or two with friends in the woods....and perhaps it was something about the steady use of anphetimines...or the lack of sleep...or the forgetting to eat that day...but...I began to loose total control. I'm accustomed to being at times semi-out of control, but I've usually still some grasp on my functionings...but not this time. I could not control the way I moved, nor the way words escaped my mouth and slid down my front, nor the way I screamed and cried and was so increadibly afraid. I was sure. I was sure that the time had come for me to die. I was sliding down a bathroom wall beside a room filled with people and there was tile that was cold beneath me, and that was all I could know, save that total and inevitable feeling of my impending end.
And I was afraid. I was so afraid. The fear of death is so confusing to me, and I feel so completely childish and irrational when I think of it, and when it sends tremors and shivers down my spine and stomough, why do we fear what is inevitably coming to us all? Why do we expend energy on worrying about how afraid we are of something that will come reguardless of our petty fears? Is it instinct, and if so, is instinct a fighteable force? Are we so well ingrained with this primal fear and need to perpetuate and to procreate that we must burden ourselves with this completely useless fear?
I was brought to an upstairs bed and drowned myself in blankets, forcing the one who was with me to swear she would not let me close my eyes or slip, to swear that she would not let me die, crying, screaming, pulling my clothes off and pleading with her to save me, not to let me go. Telling her how fucking afraid I was.
And then, all of a sudden, it began to ebb down slowly. The boy came by me and I was still afraid, but in a more diluted way. My heart was still racing, but in a more mechanical fashion. He was there, and I was next to him, and I could feel him by me and there was solidity in that past my fear. Everything was conqured by the warmth and ultimite connection of skin upon skin, there is nothing more powerful on this earth then to connect.
It makes you wonder...it really fucking makes you wonder....this was not like any clumped carpeted seizure with a furrowed forhead and forced fingers manipulating muscles down the workings of my mouth. This was not any loss of time and space and reason through forests with blood flowing in streams and with branches morphing and swaying into limp and languid corpses, no, this was no late night hospital visit with my father and no need for charcoal, having vomited out all the toxins volunterilly, all the while watching him laugh nervously and not extend information to the doctor. This was diffrent.
Just....diffrent. I have no idea about much on this earth, but all I can know is that I am so in love with all of you.
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