Fate @ MindSay

So where are you at on Karma?  Do you believe?  What about Fate?  Ever since Danielle’s story, we have all been thrown into a very introspective mood.  On life.  On decisions made.  On choices, we had or didn’t have.  And the ramifications of these events. 

Cynthia was especially thrown into a reverie.  She started dating Clive when she was 24ish.  Clive was older.  By older I’m talking 7 years, give or take.  Cynthia grew up in a household of very dominating parents.  Her mom was the stereotypical mom of the 50’s.  At the stroke of 5 she had a drink in hand.  She had dinner parties.  The kids were to be seen, not heard.  Not very warm.  Not very inviting.  Practicality and respectability were of utmost importance in that house.  One didn’t speak of feelings.  Especially negative feelings.  It may have been a sign of the times or simply a function of our Midwestern roots.  Who knows?  Cynthia claims she felt stifled by it, but her behaviors and choices didn’t reflect this emotion.  Cynthia has always been my practical friend.  My go to for sound advice.  I can always count on her to give it to me straight.  So I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear where this story might be going.  I wasn’t sure I wanted to lose this vision of my friend.  Even if it was maybe fictitious.    So Cynthia and Clive started dating.  Cynthia lived with a roommate.  Clive had his own home.  Cynthia and Clive always fit.  From the beginning.  Theirs wasn’t a relationship of unbridled passion, at least to prying eyes.  They just got along.  In a good way.  So anyway Cynthia got pregnant not long after she and Clive started dating.  This was huge for her.  She was 24ish.  She was self sufficient financially.  But she was beyond mortified and terrified to tell her parents that she was pregnant.  She and Clive of course did “the right thing” and got married.  She told her parents she was pregnant, but that they were getting married and her parents were furious with her.  Well, as furious as passive aggressiveness allows.  But Cynthia and Clive are still married.  That was of course many years and children ago.  They are happy.  Ups and downs like all of us, but happier than most.  Why?  They didn’t know each other very well when they got married.  They didn’t have any time to get to know each other.  They had a baby.  Neither one of them had experience with children.  It was very new to both of them.  They didn’t have a lot of money.  They didn’t have much of a family support system.  So why did it work?  Cynthia claims it was luck.  Pure luck.  She lucked into a basically healthy man with no horrible habits and that was that.  End of story. 

I’ve always hated that explanation.  It seems so both unfair and random.  If it was luck, why did she get lucky?  Why haven’t the vast majority of us out there been lucky?  Was she deserving of that luck?  Hence the idea of karma?  Well, she had gotten pregnant without thinking it through like any average human being.  Not statistically a good decision.  But it worked for them.  And why did it work for them?  Millions of us get married because we’re knocked up and it never works out.  I have another friend of mine from high school who dated her then boyfriend all through high school.  They went their separate ways during college.  Healthy right?  Dated other people.  Reconnected before they graduated.  Lived together.  Then got married.  So they had been “together” for years before they got married.  They had each established their careers before they got married.  They had a reasonable amount of money when they got married.  They had dated other people before they got married.  They had both traveled some before they got married.  Everything a person could do right to make it work, right?  They got divorced within 3 years of their marriage.  Yikes. 

What’s the secret?  Did Cynthia just get lucky?  Did she make her own luck because of her upbringing?  Is it her practicality that makes it work?  Did my friend from high school have bad karma?  She was really snotty.  Did it just come back to bite her?  Was it fate?  Do we get what we “deserve”?  Are some of us simply fated for strife in our life?  Maybe it comes down to a dawg tale.  Maybe we make our own karma and fate depending on where we are at in our lives.    Which do you prefer?  Fate and Karma or Plainly Human?  

So, my search for a tea ball continued today.

I stopped by Montague's, certain they would have what I was looking for.  Alas, they did not.  But the gentlemen ahead of me in line recommended another store, that was 'somewhere downtown.  On Tejon.  Between Colorado and Boulder.'  Which is an area of about five or six blocks.

So I gamely drove up Tejon.  And down Tejon.  And nothing.

After several phone calls, I found that what I was looking for was on Tejon, just a bit north of Pike's Peak.  So I park just a bit north of Pike's Peak and put a dime in the parking meter.  My thought being, sure it's only six minutes, but what I'm looking for is right across the street.  Wrong - it was another block up.  As I continued up Tejon, searching (vainly, it felt like) for address numbers in store windows, I finally found the shop I was looking for and purchased a container for my loose tea.  It wasn't exactly what I was looking for, but it'll do.

Make nice talk with clerk, pay, and leave.  I cross the street and see, in the distance, a man near my car.  I'm wearing a skirt and it's a bit windy, so this girl ain't runnin' for nothin'.  I get a bit closer and realize I just received a parking ticket. 

So the tea ball that shoulda cost me three bucks and ten minutes of time has ended up costing me fifteen bucks and two days.

One day, I will learn to stop tempting fate.  Maybe before I'm 40.

I hope that I will one day learn to stop tempting fate.

I recently received some loose tea.  My work spouse Josh gave it to me, noting 'it's loose tea - do you drink loose tea?'

My response to him 'pshaw - I'll just need a tea ball.  They're easy enough to find.'

Fate likes to laugh in my face

This is how I feel. Honestly. Probably more info than anyone will want to hear, but I gotta get this off my chest.

I feel like I'm dying. I'm a 21 year old with the health problems of an 80 year old. My entire endocrine system is out of whack (thyroid, pituitary, hypothalamus), hormone levels of an 80 year old, oh yeah that fucking tumor in my sphenoid sinus (which comes out december 5), the hundreds of little moles that appear daily on my skin, and let's not forget the cripling depression and anxiety, drug use, and bipolarity. I could have my own fucking episode on House: MD. 

I feel pissed, angry, depressed, upset, like crying, like life's unfair, like I've lived passed my own expiration date, that no one in my family understands me or loves me, that no matter what I do it will never be right, that maybe just maybe I'm actually dead and in hell. This certainly would be a fitting eternal punishment, to live my life over and over and suffer the same fate, without ever knowing I've done it a thousands times over and without any chance of making a change. At least Bill Murray changed his fate.

Why am I posting this on thanksgiving? Because it's hard for me to think of anything I'm thankful for when all I want is to die. Sure, I have a house a bed, clothes on my back, food on the table and for that I am thankful. But what I want is a shot at life...a decent happy life without any of these issues. Maybe that's just how it's supposed to be, but is it so wrong for me to want something better? Don't I deserve a break here and there? If there is a god I'd like to kick him in the balls for a change. And if there isn't, then I only hope my atoms break apart and join the rest of the universe, until it implodes or something like that.

eh....going to cry in the shower now or something lame.

If you are ever lucky enough to find the one you will always love nomater what, my advice is this:

fight for that love with tooth and nail. no one will ever compare to that one. nomatter what happens in life you will always remember the one. and you will kick yourself for eternity for letting them go.

 

and if the fates dosent like you.... hahahaha... well.. the three greek bitches will have a pow-wow and decide to give you some one, who is so similar to the one that they would have been the one, if you had met them first. but the crule bitches will place them on the otherside of the planet. and you will suffer for all eternity knowing that they are there seeing other people.. and if the fates have it in for you.. then the new one will be in love with some one else the way you were with the one... man you would not know how much that would suck.