Family Life Experience @ MindSay 
Have you heard a child repeat some unsavory word you recently spoke?
Or witnessed a childish reflection of a thoughtless act?
As one who works with small people, I know the attitudes and words these little ones repeat were learned ... someplace!
Each of us (parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, teacher, friend) influences the life of a child(ren) in ways we never realize and seldom consider.
How will you influence the children in your life?
Live simply ~ TALK to children.
Love generously ~ Laugh with children.
Care deeply ~ LISTEN to children.
Speak kindly ~ Teach children.
~ B
I met Ben who at first I couldnt get enough of just being friends with. I wanted him to be mine from the minute I layed eyes on him. There was something about him that made me want to do everything possible to be in his life and have him in mine. I threw parties, talked to him online, invited him over just to smoke hookah........did everything just to work up to finally having him as my boyfriend. Problem was a month into our relationship the pitter patter of little feet came along. No not puppy feet.....baby feet. I was pregnant with a little girl. He wanted a boy.......but we got a girl instead. He asked me to marry him and everyone in his family was convinced he was only doing it because he felt it was the right thing to do. I actually thought he loved me. For the longest time I was convinced that maybe he actually did love me and didnt ask me to marry him out of a sense of duty that he actually love me with his heart. Boy was I blinded by puppy love. I thought he and I were perfect ........we were happy, in love, and trying to make this young parent thing work. I should have known better. It was probably the fact that for the longest time everything seemed to be so perfect that I should have noticed how imperfect and impending doom things were gonna be at some point. Enter Maggie......I admit she was a BITCH from the begining. That nothing I did when I was around her was ever right. If I sniffled I was to sick to be around her son..........if I offered to do the dishes I was sucking up........if I called before I came over to her parents house and asked if I needed anything I was brown nosing......if i babysat for her sister I was just trying to suck up there as well. It never stopped and it was just with her. His whole family seemed to be playing these games and always changing the playing feild making it so I had to prove myself worthy of them. I finally blew up the day of Maggie's sons' baptism............I had enough of the bullshit crap treatment and I finally told Ben I had enough of it as well. I felt like I was constantly the bad guy in his families eyes that I wasnt good enough and they had set out to make him see it. I felt like I was a little kid again. At this point I was also 5.5 months pregnant and this was just more bullshit stress I didnt need. I felt so alone. A few weeks past and I was still feeling like I had done something wrong that maybe I wasnt good enough for him and that I never would be. I didnt feel like I had his support at all..........I felt like I was play dodgeball verse his family and was the last man standing on my team. I tried to explain to him how alone I felt and it was like I was talking in a different language. He kept trying to reassure me that it wasnt like that.........that he was trying to support me through this whole thing........but to me it certainly didnt feel that way.
Flash To The Present
I am not 6 months pregnant and I now know I am not good enough. I spent most of today feeling like an elephant was cramming my head into my neck and throwing up. I had been feeling terrible most of the day and finally stopped being sick except for the head part.......right around the time Ben said he would be over after work and bring me ginger-ale. I was just looking forward to seeing him because I had thought we were finally possibley gonna head in the right direction. I had agreed to possibley put my feels of discontentment with his family perticularly his sister aside and go to there family photos on sunday. I thought maybe this might just work itself out after all. Once again I was farely nieve. He called me from his house (his whole family was there) and said he wasnt coming out becuase he couldnt afford to be sick. What he really ment was I have to fix my truck and I am just using your sickness as an excuse. I became so upset by this. I mean we had been around his nieces and nephews when they had flu, pneumonia, and whatever the hell else.......but now he couldnt be around me becuase I was sick. I finally confronted him on it and he admited he stayed home to work on his truck. I had just had enough becuase he couldnt just tell me that. I was just so upset because for weeks on top of everything else it seems like he wanted to be somewhere other then with me. It was like he wasnt happy anymore. I asked him why he always seemed he never wanted to be here and he said it was because he felt like he was always pissing me off........and for the billionth time in months I told him he didnt always piss me off. I tried to explain to him that I wasnt actually constantly pissed it just seemsed like every chance I thought we could get somewhat back to happy the next day something fucked it up. I felt like i was becoming that appauling to him because he never seemed to want to be around or atleast when he was here it seemed he was counting the seconds till he wasnt. I asked him if it was the fact he had to be a grown up finally. I just wanted to know what is was.
........i asked
Did he not realize his unborn daughter and i could be his family too
........or is that not what he wanted
........i asked
Did he just want a convinient family
that whenever he wanted to make it work it worked
.......i asked
He finally responded, "I love you, and i want you and my daughter in my life permently"
........then came his "shaking episodes"
(which seemed to happen everytime he needed to be serious or something he didnt like happened)
"I am not doing so well with the stress ass of late, I have woken myself up a few times in the last two weeks by that I mean from shaking," he said.
"I mean it seems like every day im getting yelled at for something, and the stress has been to much
I want everything to work, but then I keep fucking it up," he continued.
"You can do better then me hun, Ikeep on puting stress on you and myself constantly I love you emensly hun I would give anything to keep you and our daughter happy I dont know what to do anymore, other then love you and try whatever I can, but that hasnt seemed to be wotrking," he eneded with.
I realized right when those words came from him that I myself was at fault for all of this. So that is it I thought........see I secretly new some how this was gonna happen.......When I had become not good enough for him either. I thought that by me loving him and supporting him was enough too......but I guess I had become such a monster trying to keep him in my life and get him to realize his daughter and I just wanted to be his family to. I should have realized when it took me 3 months just to get him into my life for more then a couple hours that I was out of my league.
"Whenever you realize that we dont necessarily need our own place to be our own family..........no matter where we are it can be good enough for you if you let it.......your daughter and I will be here when ever you decide to be here as well"
in later thought: I think I figured if I said those word my world wouldnt feel like it was crashing down so hard........
in reality thought: it all came crashing down at once
I love my family but for god's sake I can't stand being with them. I'm sure we're no more dysfunctional them any other American Family but I still can never seem to enjoy being with them. and the worst part is that I always feel that it somehow is all my fault. You know, like if I had been smarter, and done better in school or not made as many mistakes in my life we would have been some sort of Norman Rockwell painting instead of the mess we are today.
Of course, I know that it isn't my fault and the Rockwell Ideal is impossible but I just feel so guilty for my fucked up life.
I like being with my father, sometimes, but never when we are with the rest of the family.
I have never ending love for my mother, the woman is a saint. She tries so hard in vain to make everyone's Holiday a good one. And he didn't completely fail I enjoyed some parts of it.
I get the feeling my older sister, Kris, hates my fucking guts.
The only one (of my siblings) who shows real love is my Littlest sister Maria. I can tell my brother, Joe, is forcing himself to be nice but really is just tolerating because he fells he has to. And Katie is pretty much in the same boat as Joe but I think Katie actually hates me as well where Joe doesn't.
Christmas Eve I went to dinner at my folks and midnight mass with the family. After mass I just felt so horrible.As soon as I got home I ran up to my apartment to grabbed my cigarettes and lighters and went outside to smoke away my guilt. I went onto the isolated bridge near my house and watch the half frozen river flow and looked up at the city's skyline and just screamed at the top of my lungs one loud F-bomb. It felt so damn relieving.
Christmas day wasn't much better (although the ham was good :P)
Mark
First of all,
I have to say sorry that I have not update for awhile. I got into a big trouble. I moved again and didnt work as an aupair anymore. Both of two familie freaked me out. They treated me like a child and slave. The reason I came here just want to get more experience and those of things were right to give me a lot of experiences. Bad mood, feeling and unhappiness also be with me now. I cant get through!
I left them already. I did not want to do that tho! but I have no choice for my decision, and I really know about I have to realize and accept a lot of thing would happen to me after I decided.
Right now! I just only try to find a new job for living. I have a lot of friends who care of and never leave me alone. They all give me strenght no matter what happened and who am I. I promise myself that suck life is not gonna come back to me again. I just do not want the same damn thing will happen to me again and ever. I heart hurts so bad.
The second family who I lived with treated me very nicer and better than. Just for some reason they also need me a lot even on my day off. I hated that kind of opinion! They said they really want someone who can be a part of family. Yes, this is my asnwer but they meant that the part of family has to be around them no matter what! Right now, let me tell you guys, No thank you. I do not absoluteloy want to be one damn part of their family. That is no fair at all. I work 10 hrs a day. No more TV or cell phone whenever I have some important thing to deal with. Yes, I knew that I have to keep my eyes on them no matter what but these of suck medthod never ran into my mind. I also have my own idea to take care the kids. I am 26 growing up people who can deal and solve the problems with them my own. I do not want a suggestion. ALright! that would be fine if they want to warn or give me suggestion but should not let my feeling down all the time!! That is the same damn thing! I guess!! I have no connection with my family. The last family who i lievd with for 0 months, they offered me about the phone call and internet! They were nice and feel more than welcome to use. But this family made me fail that I cant make my phone call to family and friends. For the food, I had to pay for myself. They didnt pay for me. Alright these things were suck and damn things I never meet in my country.
I have to move on again. OH! That is so sad bcoz I leave a lot of things I love their. Also my documents, stranscript, Hello Kitty and stuff. However, I should be glad that I can get out of there and continue my life as I decided myself..
I hope my experiences ahould be useful for anyone who really want to be an aupair. I will keep thinking in the better things I found and got..........
Good Luck then
Kitty
I met some of the most amazing, caring and awesome people. I am truly blessed. They were loving, honest and truest people I have been charmed to know. Thank you to my family and those I consider family as well. This includes Fairydustings, Readbooks, Ukonzukai (and hubby), Jewfroart & Bovisrex.
One bad experience cannot take away the awesomeness of those I care about. Thank you soo much for being there for me!!! Thank you soo much for your hospitality.
YOU GUYS ROCK!!!!!! I will try to go through my pictures tonight when we get home. I hope to post them soon.
Sorry for being all emo previously. *HUGS TO YOU ALL*
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