Family Life @ MindSay 
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Family Weekend
Have you heard a child repeat some unsavory word you recently spoke?
Or witnessed a childish reflection of a thoughtless act?
As one who works with small people, I know the attitudes and words these little ones repeat were learned ... someplace!
Each of us (parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, teacher, friend) influences the life of a child(ren) in ways we never realize and seldom consider.
How will you influence the children in your life?
Live simply ~ TALK to children.
Love generously ~ Laugh with children.
Care deeply ~ LISTEN to children.
Speak kindly ~ Teach children.
~ B
The truth is rarely pure and never simple. - Oscar Wilde
Is it possible to spend ones entire life not good enough for anyone?
I have spent my whole life wondering this. I mean I did in all senses if you ask anyone that knows me spent most my life not being good enough for my own family. I never got good enough grade who new A(s) and B(s) werent good......I never was pretty enough....never dress right.......was never the right weight.....or height........never had the right hair color......new things at the right times......was organized properly......did things the right way........or mearly existed correctly. So you figure after spending 21 years not being good enough for the people that were supposed to love me unconditionaly I might actually be about to pick someone who I would be good enough for.
WRONG!
I met Ben who at first I couldnt get enough of just being friends with. I wanted him to be mine from the minute I layed eyes on him. There was something about him that made me want to do everything possible to be in his life and have him in mine. I threw parties, talked to him online, invited him over just to smoke hookah........did everything just to work up to finally having him as my boyfriend. Problem was a month into our relationship the pitter patter of little feet came along. No not puppy feet.....baby feet. I was pregnant with a little girl. He wanted a boy.......but we got a girl instead. He asked me to marry him and everyone in his family was convinced he was only doing it because he felt it was the right thing to do. I actually thought he loved me. For the longest time I was convinced that maybe he actually did love me and didnt ask me to marry him out of a sense of duty that he actually love me with his heart. Boy was I blinded by puppy love. I thought he and I were perfect ........we were happy, in love, and trying to make this young parent thing work. I should have known better. It was probably the fact that for the longest time everything seemed to be so perfect that I should have noticed how imperfect and impending doom things were gonna be at some point. Enter Maggie......I admit she was a BITCH from the begining. That nothing I did when I was around her was ever right. If I sniffled I was to sick to be around her son..........if I offered to do the dishes I was sucking up........if I called before I came over to her parents house and asked if I needed anything I was brown nosing......if i babysat for her sister I was just trying to suck up there as well. It never stopped and it was just with her. His whole family seemed to be playing these games and always changing the playing feild making it so I had to prove myself worthy of them. I finally blew up the day of Maggie's sons' baptism............I had enough of the bullshit crap treatment and I finally told Ben I had enough of it as well. I felt like I was constantly the bad guy in his families eyes that I wasnt good enough and they had set out to make him see it. I felt like I was a little kid again. At this point I was also 5.5 months pregnant and this was just more bullshit stress I didnt need. I felt so alone. A few weeks past and I was still feeling like I had done something wrong that maybe I wasnt good enough for him and that I never would be. I didnt feel like I had his support at all..........I felt like I was play dodgeball verse his family and was the last man standing on my team. I tried to explain to him how alone I felt and it was like I was talking in a different language. He kept trying to reassure me that it wasnt like that.........that he was trying to support me through this whole thing........but to me it certainly didnt feel that way.
Flash To The Present
I am not 6 months pregnant and I now know I am not good enough. I spent most of today feeling like an elephant was cramming my head into my neck and throwing up. I had been feeling terrible most of the day and finally stopped being sick except for the head part.......right around the time Ben said he would be over after work and bring me ginger-ale. I was just looking forward to seeing him because I had thought we were finally possibley gonna head in the right direction. I had agreed to possibley put my feels of discontentment with his family perticularly his sister aside and go to there family photos on sunday. I thought maybe this might just work itself out after all. Once again I was farely nieve. He called me from his house (his whole family was there) and said he wasnt coming out becuase he couldnt afford to be sick. What he really ment was I have to fix my truck and I am just using your sickness as an excuse. I became so upset by this. I mean we had been around his nieces and nephews when they had flu, pneumonia, and whatever the hell else.......but now he couldnt be around me becuase I was sick. I finally confronted him on it and he admited he stayed home to work on his truck. I had just had enough becuase he couldnt just tell me that. I was just so upset because for weeks on top of everything else it seems like he wanted to be somewhere other then with me. It was like he wasnt happy anymore. I asked him why he always seemed he never wanted to be here and he said it was because he felt like he was always pissing me off........and for the billionth time in months I told him he didnt always piss me off. I tried to explain to him that I wasnt actually constantly pissed it just seemsed like every chance I thought we could get somewhat back to happy the next day something fucked it up. I felt like i was becoming that appauling to him because he never seemed to want to be around or atleast when he was here it seemed he was counting the seconds till he wasnt. I asked him if it was the fact he had to be a grown up finally. I just wanted to know what is was.
I met Ben who at first I couldnt get enough of just being friends with. I wanted him to be mine from the minute I layed eyes on him. There was something about him that made me want to do everything possible to be in his life and have him in mine. I threw parties, talked to him online, invited him over just to smoke hookah........did everything just to work up to finally having him as my boyfriend. Problem was a month into our relationship the pitter patter of little feet came along. No not puppy feet.....baby feet. I was pregnant with a little girl. He wanted a boy.......but we got a girl instead. He asked me to marry him and everyone in his family was convinced he was only doing it because he felt it was the right thing to do. I actually thought he loved me. For the longest time I was convinced that maybe he actually did love me and didnt ask me to marry him out of a sense of duty that he actually love me with his heart. Boy was I blinded by puppy love. I thought he and I were perfect ........we were happy, in love, and trying to make this young parent thing work. I should have known better. It was probably the fact that for the longest time everything seemed to be so perfect that I should have noticed how imperfect and impending doom things were gonna be at some point. Enter Maggie......I admit she was a BITCH from the begining. That nothing I did when I was around her was ever right. If I sniffled I was to sick to be around her son..........if I offered to do the dishes I was sucking up........if I called before I came over to her parents house and asked if I needed anything I was brown nosing......if i babysat for her sister I was just trying to suck up there as well. It never stopped and it was just with her. His whole family seemed to be playing these games and always changing the playing feild making it so I had to prove myself worthy of them. I finally blew up the day of Maggie's sons' baptism............I had enough of the bullshit crap treatment and I finally told Ben I had enough of it as well. I felt like I was constantly the bad guy in his families eyes that I wasnt good enough and they had set out to make him see it. I felt like I was a little kid again. At this point I was also 5.5 months pregnant and this was just more bullshit stress I didnt need. I felt so alone. A few weeks past and I was still feeling like I had done something wrong that maybe I wasnt good enough for him and that I never would be. I didnt feel like I had his support at all..........I felt like I was play dodgeball verse his family and was the last man standing on my team. I tried to explain to him how alone I felt and it was like I was talking in a different language. He kept trying to reassure me that it wasnt like that.........that he was trying to support me through this whole thing........but to me it certainly didnt feel that way.
Flash To The Present
I am not 6 months pregnant and I now know I am not good enough. I spent most of today feeling like an elephant was cramming my head into my neck and throwing up. I had been feeling terrible most of the day and finally stopped being sick except for the head part.......right around the time Ben said he would be over after work and bring me ginger-ale. I was just looking forward to seeing him because I had thought we were finally possibley gonna head in the right direction. I had agreed to possibley put my feels of discontentment with his family perticularly his sister aside and go to there family photos on sunday. I thought maybe this might just work itself out after all. Once again I was farely nieve. He called me from his house (his whole family was there) and said he wasnt coming out becuase he couldnt afford to be sick. What he really ment was I have to fix my truck and I am just using your sickness as an excuse. I became so upset by this. I mean we had been around his nieces and nephews when they had flu, pneumonia, and whatever the hell else.......but now he couldnt be around me becuase I was sick. I finally confronted him on it and he admited he stayed home to work on his truck. I had just had enough becuase he couldnt just tell me that. I was just so upset because for weeks on top of everything else it seems like he wanted to be somewhere other then with me. It was like he wasnt happy anymore. I asked him why he always seemed he never wanted to be here and he said it was because he felt like he was always pissing me off........and for the billionth time in months I told him he didnt always piss me off. I tried to explain to him that I wasnt actually constantly pissed it just seemsed like every chance I thought we could get somewhat back to happy the next day something fucked it up. I felt like i was becoming that appauling to him because he never seemed to want to be around or atleast when he was here it seemed he was counting the seconds till he wasnt. I asked him if it was the fact he had to be a grown up finally. I just wanted to know what is was.
Did he not want anymore responsibilities in his life
........i asked
Did he not realize his unborn daughter and i could be his family too
........or is that not what he wanted
........i asked
Did he just want a convinient family
that whenever he wanted to make it work it worked
.......i asked
He finally responded, "I love you, and i want you and my daughter in my life permently"
........then came his "shaking episodes"
(which seemed to happen everytime he needed to be serious or something he didnt like happened)
"I am not doing so well with the stress ass of late, I have woken myself up a few times in the last two weeks by that I mean from shaking," he said.
"I mean it seems like every day im getting yelled at for something, and the stress has been to much
I want everything to work, but then I keep fucking it up," he continued.
"You can do better then me hun, Ikeep on puting stress on you and myself constantly I love you emensly hun I would give anything to keep you and our daughter happy I dont know what to do anymore, other then love you and try whatever I can, but that hasnt seemed to be wotrking," he eneded with.
I realized right when those words came from him that I myself was at fault for all of this. So that is it I thought........see I secretly new some how this was gonna happen.......When I had become not good enough for him either. I thought that by me loving him and supporting him was enough too......but I guess I had become such a monster trying to keep him in my life and get him to realize his daughter and I just wanted to be his family to. I should have realized when it took me 3 months just to get him into my life for more then a couple hours that I was out of my league.
"Whenever you realize that we dont necessarily need our own place to be our own family..........no matter where we are it can be good enough for you if you let it.......your daughter and I will be here when ever you decide to be here as well"
in later thought: I think I figured if I said those word my world wouldnt feel like it was crashing down so hard........
in reality thought: it all came crashing down at once
........i asked
Did he not realize his unborn daughter and i could be his family too
........or is that not what he wanted
........i asked
Did he just want a convinient family
that whenever he wanted to make it work it worked
.......i asked
He finally responded, "I love you, and i want you and my daughter in my life permently"
........then came his "shaking episodes"
(which seemed to happen everytime he needed to be serious or something he didnt like happened)
"I am not doing so well with the stress ass of late, I have woken myself up a few times in the last two weeks by that I mean from shaking," he said.
"I mean it seems like every day im getting yelled at for something, and the stress has been to much
I want everything to work, but then I keep fucking it up," he continued.
"You can do better then me hun, Ikeep on puting stress on you and myself constantly I love you emensly hun I would give anything to keep you and our daughter happy I dont know what to do anymore, other then love you and try whatever I can, but that hasnt seemed to be wotrking," he eneded with.
The Epiphany!
I realized right when those words came from him that I myself was at fault for all of this. So that is it I thought........see I secretly new some how this was gonna happen.......When I had become not good enough for him either. I thought that by me loving him and supporting him was enough too......but I guess I had become such a monster trying to keep him in my life and get him to realize his daughter and I just wanted to be his family to. I should have realized when it took me 3 months just to get him into my life for more then a couple hours that I was out of my league.
His Response
So I finally said the words that I was constantly choking into my thoat becuase I didnt want them to come out and be true.......... I said: He though that by us getting our own seperate place would fix all of this. That becuase we werent living seperate from our families that was why this was happening.
Landing On My Feet
"Whenever you realize that we dont necessarily need our own place to be our own family..........no matter where we are it can be good enough for you if you let it.......your daughter and I will be here when ever you decide to be here as well"
in later thought: I think I figured if I said those word my world wouldnt feel like it was crashing down so hard........
in reality thought: it all came crashing down at once
All I got for Christmas was...
... a headache and some anxiety.
I love my family but for god's sake I can't stand being with them. I'm sure we're no more dysfunctional them any other American Family but I still can never seem to enjoy being with them. and the worst part is that I always feel that it somehow is all my fault. You know, like if I had been smarter, and done better in school or not made as many mistakes in my life we would have been some sort of Norman Rockwell painting instead of the mess we are today.
Of course, I know that it isn't my fault and the Rockwell Ideal is impossible but I just feel so guilty for my fucked up life.
I like being with my father, sometimes, but never when we are with the rest of the family.
I have never ending love for my mother, the woman is a saint. She tries so hard in vain to make everyone's Holiday a good one. And he didn't completely fail I enjoyed some parts of it.
I get the feeling my older sister, Kris, hates my fucking guts.
The only one (of my siblings) who shows real love is my Littlest sister Maria. I can tell my brother, Joe, is forcing himself to be nice but really is just tolerating because he fells he has to. And Katie is pretty much in the same boat as Joe but I think Katie actually hates me as well where Joe doesn't.
Christmas Eve I went to dinner at my folks and midnight mass with the family. After mass I just felt so horrible.As soon as I got home I ran up to my apartment to grabbed my cigarettes and lighters and went outside to smoke away my guilt. I went onto the isolated bridge near my house and watch the half frozen river flow and looked up at the city's skyline and just screamed at the top of my lungs one loud F-bomb. It felt so damn relieving.
Christmas day wasn't much better (although the ham was good :P)
Mark
I love my family but for god's sake I can't stand being with them. I'm sure we're no more dysfunctional them any other American Family but I still can never seem to enjoy being with them. and the worst part is that I always feel that it somehow is all my fault. You know, like if I had been smarter, and done better in school or not made as many mistakes in my life we would have been some sort of Norman Rockwell painting instead of the mess we are today.
Of course, I know that it isn't my fault and the Rockwell Ideal is impossible but I just feel so guilty for my fucked up life.
I like being with my father, sometimes, but never when we are with the rest of the family.
I have never ending love for my mother, the woman is a saint. She tries so hard in vain to make everyone's Holiday a good one. And he didn't completely fail I enjoyed some parts of it.
I get the feeling my older sister, Kris, hates my fucking guts.
The only one (of my siblings) who shows real love is my Littlest sister Maria. I can tell my brother, Joe, is forcing himself to be nice but really is just tolerating because he fells he has to. And Katie is pretty much in the same boat as Joe but I think Katie actually hates me as well where Joe doesn't.
Christmas Eve I went to dinner at my folks and midnight mass with the family. After mass I just felt so horrible.As soon as I got home I ran up to my apartment to grabbed my cigarettes and lighters and went outside to smoke away my guilt. I went onto the isolated bridge near my house and watch the half frozen river flow and looked up at the city's skyline and just screamed at the top of my lungs one loud F-bomb. It felt so damn relieving.
Christmas day wasn't much better (although the ham was good :P)
Mark
Hide and go seek?
I am a person who has always needed an exorbitant amount of "alone time." Where I can be in my own space, no one within arm's reach, where my brain can just go do whatever it is that it does when it has a moment.
Since my earliest years, I've been this way; it's just part of who I am.
I find myself, here with one more month 'til school starts, tending to list away from everyone else in the house. If the kids are in the living room, I'll go to my room (always accessible, always with my ears open, and the bedroom is directly off the living room, anyway). If the Spousal Unit is in the bedroom, I'll come here to the office. If I don't feel like typing, I'll hide in Cartoon Ranger's room and read or talk to myself. <smile> Yes, really.
Not all the time, but more of the time as the summer goes on.
I still answer questions, laugh at jokes, hear commentaries on whatever any of my guys is commenting on, but I do so from across the house. We're not a "walk over here and ask me" kind of house, in general. Just a "make sure you call my name first so I know to listen" kind of house.
We'd probably drive some folks nuts.
This doesn't mean I am not an active mom. I was thinking about it, earlier today. Trying to remember if Mums was always in the same space we were in, etc. And then I remembered: We used to do something amazing when we were kids, in my house. We used to play outside. We'd leave in the morning, run around with our friends (or go to their houses), play, eat lunch at home or at a friend's, and then be home when the streetlights came on. That was the rule. As I got older, there was softball with the neighbors right down the street. Bicycle riding. Lots of activity nowhere near Mums.
I remembered this with a sense of release of some residual guilt. I am not a "bad mom" because I need and seek out my space where I can find it. I'm just a mom whose kids don't play outside because it's just not as safe out there as it was before. Or we're more aware of dangers than we were when I was a kid. In any event, my children can't just go play as I used to do.
I've already started crossing the days off before school starts on the official school calendar put out by the district. Sad? Yeah, but it keeps me sane.
Whatever works. :)
Since my earliest years, I've been this way; it's just part of who I am.
I find myself, here with one more month 'til school starts, tending to list away from everyone else in the house. If the kids are in the living room, I'll go to my room (always accessible, always with my ears open, and the bedroom is directly off the living room, anyway). If the Spousal Unit is in the bedroom, I'll come here to the office. If I don't feel like typing, I'll hide in Cartoon Ranger's room and read or talk to myself. <smile> Yes, really.
Not all the time, but more of the time as the summer goes on.
I still answer questions, laugh at jokes, hear commentaries on whatever any of my guys is commenting on, but I do so from across the house. We're not a "walk over here and ask me" kind of house, in general. Just a "make sure you call my name first so I know to listen" kind of house.
We'd probably drive some folks nuts.
This doesn't mean I am not an active mom. I was thinking about it, earlier today. Trying to remember if Mums was always in the same space we were in, etc. And then I remembered: We used to do something amazing when we were kids, in my house. We used to play outside. We'd leave in the morning, run around with our friends (or go to their houses), play, eat lunch at home or at a friend's, and then be home when the streetlights came on. That was the rule. As I got older, there was softball with the neighbors right down the street. Bicycle riding. Lots of activity nowhere near Mums.
I remembered this with a sense of release of some residual guilt. I am not a "bad mom" because I need and seek out my space where I can find it. I'm just a mom whose kids don't play outside because it's just not as safe out there as it was before. Or we're more aware of dangers than we were when I was a kid. In any event, my children can't just go play as I used to do.
I've already started crossing the days off before school starts on the official school calendar put out by the district. Sad? Yeah, but it keeps me sane.
Whatever works. :)
What does it mean about family?
I have such a good time to talk with someone speacial. He said he would love to have his own family. His family would be warm and understanding. Like me!! those of his words remind me how the wonderful life are?? I mean, if he can find the right woman who can be a good mom for his kids, that would be great for himself and someone around his life. Just like me!! I try to find someone speacial like him. I know, his thinking that means me..I am doing good with our relationship. We plan to see each other and let me know about his family soon. He asked me about my future after i finish my program here! I am also telling him with my hopefulness and dreaming about enjoy spending a time in USA. My dream come true more than 90%. Just only 10% have to come from someone who I love and want to spend the rest of my life with. It might be someone or even him. If today we can understand each other and realize about too many thing going on in the realistic life. I would think about him, he maybe is my first choice. I mean, maybe I would spend all the rest of life with him....
Im glad that I can pass one of darkness problems. I am stronger woman now. I encourage to meet some of different thing.
Dear! God . pls bless me all the thing going on, and also be with me. Let me know and walk in the correct way and answer me all of situations. Could you let me have a good time and relationship with him all along..He said he didnt want to get hurt, and me either!!
See Ya reader..I gotta go >.<
Kitty
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