False @ MindSay

 

as a young woman I tried reading the four gated city by Doris Lessing several times. I don’t think she is a writer for young women who think the entire world is spread out before them for their fun.  But as a 'mature' woman her words are just the thing that resonate within the mind and soul. This time I opened the Golden Notebook and was transported immediately. and this is following  the hack pop writing of Larry McMurtry filled with guys bonding and men who can't commit but dream about the one who got away and who is maudlin and macho and die because of it- or in spite of it- But lessing is about the internal landscape- the place women retreat to in order to survive. and it is wonderful when she describes the "break down" that some women in middle age have ( doctors call it hormones) but it is a profound cracking and dropping of the shell we were forced to construct and now as the shell falls away we are forced to view and learn to love the authentic self. I don’t think I am projecting here.

 

I had a very good session with the toe fungus psychiatrist ( she is an ice dancer in her free time hence the continued trauma to the toe and the fungus- she didn't tell me this i learned it elsewhere) anyway we were discussing the difference between being considering nice and being good. It was in the context of wanting to be liked, hence one is nice. and I challenged that analysis because I do not feel I must be liked by everyone and I am certainly not always nice. but I try to be good. and goodness doesn't always mean you are nice because goodness might mean sharing an uncomfortable truth or doing the very unpopular thing, or saying no when the nice person wants to do the wrong thing.

 

certainly all of us have known nice people who often were not good. Montgomery was filled with those women, people who were always smiling even while their husband was having you blackballed or they were going to go out to lunch and slice you apart verbally. so nice is a cheapo commodity  that I don’t care to have.

 

Henry James said" Civility costs nothing and buys everything." and I agree . However civility is very different from the "niceness" I am describing. Someone else said something like being able to judge one's character by how well they treat people who can not do something for them- such as street beggars or door men or someone else's maid or animal. and that sunk in. along with so many little them cliches from my father which turn out to be formative than we like to admit.

 

so yes, doris lessing is the one for me right now and I am back in the curtained canopy bed with soft greens and deep reds and it's aura is one of peace and comfort and whenever I want I can sit over a bidet of hot water and warm my chocho . that's good too.  Right?

 

Songwriting is hard.  I'm starting a thrash metal band with my friend Colin, and, being the vocalist, as well as the resident egomaniac, I am writing the lyrics.  With my attention span, it's difficult to write an entire good song in one sitting, but it is doubly hard to take a break and come back to the song with the same mindset as before.  But if I didn't think the effort would be rewarding, I wouldn't bother.  It's fun, but it's definitely difficult.  At least I don't have to write the riffs; I was never that good at that.  That's where I was amazingly able to put my ego aside and find a songwriting partner rather than doing it all myself.

The song I'm writing right now is about Pat Robertson and his diamond mining escapade with the ruthless dictator of Zaire.  I don't have the energy to give the details, so if you're interested in how hypocritical and vile Pat Robertson is, follow the links below.


The final link is certainly the most biased, but I have yet to find incorrect information on it.  But as you can see, this disgusting misappropriation of funds and faith is documented on several reputable sites as well.  Before I release the song on a CD, I intend to find paper sources and put MLA citations in the liner notes referencing said sources.  No libel, no slander, only facts.

That is all for now.  Don't listen to Pat Robertson, and if you know anyone who does, please do them the service of letting them know the exact kind of person they are looking up to.  Pat Robertson and his cronies are to blame for many of the problems in our country today, specifically the unreliability of the media.  I don't have links to back that up; I won't do all your research for you.  Look about; see the devil on your doorstep.

Rock Hard Ride Free,
Nathan

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Spent last night hanging out at lilr's. This was definitely needed.

I seem to have developed a condition recently - an oversensitive babble reflex. Actually, I've kind of had that for a few years now. Since I was about four.

Actually, I've just put a rule in place. I am not allowed to talk after midnight. Barest bones of communication, and that's it. No IM. No phone. Nada. Because at that point, something apparently takes off in my head. I'm not sure if it's the old identity coming out to play, or my rationale just goes to bed at, well, a rational hour. For whatever reason, the sorts of things that come out of my mouth after this time do not make me happy later on.

It doesn't happen around lilr though. This could be because lilr and I have been ridiculous together since early high school, or it could be that around her, I'm almost always the person I want to be. Perhaps a bit louder, but she has that unique talent of bringing out the best in people.

It's not anything specific with the decor (though we've decided that lilr is going to organize the entire Heavenly Kingdom when she gets there). It's not that I can wear whatever I want without having to worry that they'll think I look frumpy (this is a plus, but it's usually forgotten within the first few minutes of getting there). It's never anything external when I'm with lilr, because the internal is so much more fascinating that we forget it.

We watch silly movies and extract meaning and life application from them. We learn all the silly songs (much to her husband's amusement or consternation, depending on the day). We talk about our different beliefs. We play with the kitty. We talk about boys. We catch up on family. We exchange prayer requests. We speculate on the psychology behind characters who drive us crazy. This sound repetitive, but I'm trying to figure out how this is. With lilr, there's intelligence and silliness in equal parts, and I can be real.

That's it. I'm usually curbing the silliness around other people, and I don't try for heavier conversation with most people. But they're both what I'm most comfortable with and enjoy. Neither one is at all false, it's the censoring that's 'fake'. It's interesting, because I dislike being something I'm not - so when I'm around people, I'm quiet half the time, and I look forward to being out in the woods by myself...where I'm not talking to anyone.

Weird. I kind of wonder if lilr has to censor herself in some other ways. It seems that she's always been the quiet one, and I've been the noisy one, but when we come together, we're both just ridiculous together.

I did have too much pie. But it was good pie.